Be Quick.

I feel like this has potential, but it's lacking something. Help me out?

Quick, go!
Everybody, just leave me here,
like I'm your dust.
Ignore me,
as if I'm a simple stain,
unnoticeable on your being.

It's ok.
Take the little warmth,
that slowly gathered between us,
and sell it to a stranger.

Everybody, just leave me,
and keep walking, growing taller,
yet thinner. A skeleton.

Don't even look back at me,
to see if I'm still there.
Just go, and be quick.
Leave
as if
you were
waking up
from a mere dream,
that you'll never remember.

well!
i can feel the emotion, and i can sense the flow too.
i like it, but you can do some extra look in the last (ending)stanza to maintain the flow.
it's a bit stuck with flow! Again i like it very much.

Keep it up and update us with more of your work!

Hi there housecat. Lavvi in to review for you today.

This is pretty good, but obviously not perfect if you, as the poet, feels that something is missing

I'm not sure what your idea is for the poem, so perhaps you should make it clearer purely for comprehension purposes. Also, I felt that everything was very scattered, it was rather uneven. I'm not sure how you could fix that, but I'm sure it has to do with rhythm and the way the words are

Yours,
Lavvi

Hello housecat!

Hmm... you're right! It does feel like there's something missing. I think it's because it's jerky and it doesn't really completely what it wants to say in the stanzas before jerking to the next stanza. Let's look at your poem in more depth, shall we?

Quick, go!
Everybody, just leave me here,
like I'm your dust.
Ignore me,
as if I'm a simple stain,
unnoticeable on your being.

Okay, so in this stanza, you have yourself described as "dust" and "stain." I think the dust is a more interesting simile here, since in Christianity you have the "dust to dust" imagery that is kind of cool, but it doesn't really seem like you want to invoke this kind of imagery and that you're flitting past it really quick. Also, stain? Part of the reason why stains are so bothersome is because they are easily noticeable. If you had a stain that was noticeable, it wouldn't matter. So it seems like you're contradicting yourself here!

It's ok.
Take the little warmth,
that slowly gathered between us,
and sell it to a stranger.

I think this stanza is one of the more interesting stanzas, however it also seems to be the most short-changed. I love the description of warmth... it is so tactile and so personal and the very fact that you would take the warmth and sell it to a stranger is a heartbreaking idea. Why not delve into this a little more?

Everybody, just leave me,
and keep walking, growing taller,
yet thinner. A skeleton.

From dust to a stain to a skeleton... there doesn't seem to be much consistency in these transformations, so they kind of seem awkward.

Don't even look back at me,
to see if I'm still there.
Just go, and be quick.
Leave
as if
you were
waking up
from a mere dream,
that you'll never remember.

This
is
where
you start
to do this
gimmicky poem thing.

Haha, just kidding! But, it does seem a bit like you're hitting enter randomly because you're not sure what to do with it. So, from dust to stain to skeleton to dream, you finally end! It's kind of weird.

Anyway, hope that helps! What may help you personally is to tie your images together and make it more consistent. That way, it can be stronger overall.

You're right, I think it is lacking something, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm a little confused about what this poem is about though. It just sounds like a person who is easily forgotten, but it seems to change around a lot.

Nice job though! I hope you find what it's missing!

Unlike, all the others, I don't think there seems to be anything missing here. It's pretty good actually. I love the emotions you sent through the poem. I also love how you use imagery in this poem. Like here:

housecat wrote:as if I'm a simple stain,
unnoticeable on your being.

Although there is something bothering me, I think it's because the tone of the poem doesn't match the message in there. The tone seemed... fast paced at times, while the poem's content seemed to be of misery. But anyway, that's probably just me, thought I'd point it out anyhow.

Hope that helps!

Hello there.
It's good on your part to accept that there's something wrong in the poem. It lessens the load off the reviewers back. XD

housecat wrote:Quick, go!
Everybody, just leave me here,
like I'm your dust.
Ignore me,
as if I'm a simple stain,
unnoticeable on your being.

The starting itself doesn’t seem a good one. It is a bit abrupt, jerky as many say. And as Snoink said, stain is the first thing to be noticed if a person has one. Then how can it be unnoticeable? And “on your being” does not sound that good. If you used “on your existence” or something, it would be good. What do you think? The imagery here was simple yet cool.

It's ok.
Take the little warmth, little is the perfect word for this line. It would be good if you reword it.
that slowly gathered between us,
and sell it to a stranger. Good imagery. That whole thought of selling the warmth is very touchy an sad. ):

Everybody, just leave me,
and keep walking, growing taller,
yet thinner. A skeleton.

By growing tall and thinner, did you want to point towards the shadow of a person walking away? If not, then you might want to tell why it was growing taller and yet thinner.

Don't even look back at me,
to see if I'm still there.
Just go, and be quick.
Leave
as if
you were
waking up
from a mere dream,
that you'll never remember.

It feels as if I am reading the first stanza all over again except the dream thing at the end. You should widen up. Talk about other things. Like why do you want then to leave, and leave so "quick", and stuff.

I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:

hey.. I'll point d only mistake i sensed.. The flow overall was good but sort of lost in the last stanza. Then also maybe you should change the ending a bit.. modify little, then it will be more clear and open plus it will help clearing a lot of confusion.. That's all I felt was wrong.. To see the good points.. I'll say a very well written and thought out poem.. The motivations and inspiration was nice.. The theme too was brilliant.. But the depth of emotion had me captivated.. Love it!!
harshita...