LoveBites Chapter 2

Kayla was a student at Newbridge High school, a popular eighteen year old with great friends, a boyfriend and a bright future in front of her. She came from a good family; her father was one of the best lawyers in the city and her mother was a real estate agent, money was never an issue.

Arms linked, Kayla and her boyfriend Sean walked through the halls of Newbridge. Whispers from other students in the hall were heard when they passed by, commenting on what they’re wearing, how good they look together, some expressed their jealousy of Kayla for dating Sean, others expressed their jealousy of Sean for dating Kayla but they didn’t care, they loved each other, even if others thought it was impossible for them to be in love at such a young age.

Kayla and Sean walked to Kayla’s locker, seeing Ashley and Samantha waiting for them there.
“Hey guys!” Kayla said, hugging them both.
“Hey!” they both said in unison.
“Excited for tonight?” asked Samantha
“You know it!” exclaimed Kayla
“It sucks that I can’t come!” said Sean
“Its ok babe, there’s nothing you can do about it, I understand!” said Kayla in an assuring voice
“Yeah, we’ll just have another celebration on a day that you can come!” Said Ashley
“Only this will be the official celebration” said Samantha jokingly
They all laughed, the bell rang and they walked to their next classes.

Kayla was turning eighteen that night, and they were all excited about it. But Sean couldn't come to the celebration because his father, a very successful business man, invited a potential business partner over for dinner that night so that they could discuss the pssibility of a partnership and he wanted Sean there to help him make a good image. Sean didn't complain about this, his father was working hard for the partnership and after all, he was doing this to be able to send his son to a good college, but he didn't want to miss Kayla's birthday. What he didn't know was that his father may have possibly saved his life that night.

The girls got ready and left, they went to a club and danced through most of the night, they drank heavily and danced with random guys. After hours of dancing and drinking they left the club, found their car, got in and drove off, Kayla was driving.

They drove for a few minutes, all while laughing simply out of their drunken haze

"Hey Kayla, guess what?" asked Ashley
"What?" answered Kayla, followed by Samantha and Ashley bursting into a slurred chorus of happy birthday, followed by all three of them laughing
"So what do you-LOOK OUT!" Shouted Samantha.
"wha-" Kayla had no time to finish her sentence, she was suddenly swerving out of the way of a big truck, colliding with it on the side of the car. All three girls were hit on their heads, they were all bleeding and unconcious

The next morning, Kayla woke up with barely any memory of that night, she didn't wake up at home or in a hospital, she kept thinking she was dead, but she was sure heaven wasn't going to have black silk sheets, and she highly doubted hell would have bright white walls that looked like smooth shiny bricks. She looked around, there were two windows at each side of the bed, just beside the bed side tables only a little higher so that a person could look comfortably through them without having to lean down unless they wanted to, the windows had black curtains strung up, letting the sun shine through. Looking around the room she saw the door, it was a big double door made out of what looked like mahogany with golden door knobs.

"Ah, your finally awake!" she heard a male voice say, she looked in the direction the voice came from and saw a handsome black haired man with dark blue eyes, his skin was almost as white as the bricks on the wall.
"Who are you?" Kayla demanded
"My name is Ryan" He said, not at all shocked at the way she asked her question "I am a vampire, I found you in the car crash last night and saved you."
Kayla just lookes at him, horrified, did he say vampire? they don't exist, do they? and what does he mean by saved me? can a vampire save a human without...
"Where are Ashley and Samantha? Where are my friends?" she asked angrily, she was almost yelling now but Ryan still remained calm, he moved closer to her, she didn't move.
"I'm terribly sorry" he said "your friends died in the car crash, I couldn't save them, but I was able to save you just in time"
"What do you mean save me?" Kayla asked, choking back tears at what she just heard.
"I turned you into a vampire to save you" Ryan said. That sent Kayla off the bend.
"A vampire?!" she shrieked, jumping out of the bed and slamming her back against the wall as quick as lightning.
"Woah!" Ryan exclaimed "be careful! your not used to your abilities yet!"
"How can this happen?! how can I be a vampire?!" Kayla yelled.
"I don't blame you for completley freaking out!" Ryan said.
Kayla looked at him, when he spoke to her the first time he sounded so formal, now it feels as if he was a classmate of hers or something.
"It happens to everyone, even me, you'll get used to it once you start learning all about vampires and how we live." he said then flashed her a smile "first lesson, we don't sparkle!"
Kayla couldn't help but smile at that comment.

Over the next few weeks Kayla learned all about the vampires, their story and how they lived.

The vampires started out millions of years ago, they adapted, but they had all gathered from across the world one day and found a place they could live together in one big community, it was a large palace that used to be a base for a human clan some several thousand years before. They renovated it and made it look like new. They had a big plan for the future, a plan to create a world seperate from the humans, a place where they wouldn't kill humans without wanting to because of their hunger for blood. They would live off animal blood, it's as good as human blood with less guilt involved, not to mention less risk of being discovered. Last year there was a rebellion war which killed hundreds of vampires including the clan's old leader. after the war the rebels left the clan and made a clan of their own but there was a state of war as both clans fought for reign over the other!

Kayla got used to her abilities, learned to hunt animals in the forest while still keeping her secret safe, she grew closer to Ryan as he was the one who saved her and trained her.

This was good, but again it needs some touching up. You are saying things almost too matter-of-factly. Like if someone told me I was a vampire I'd laugh and wouldn't believe them. The fact that she just accepted it and believed him seems a bit strange.

Kayla got used to her abilities, learned to hunt animals in the forest while still keeping her secret safe, she grew closer to Ryan as he was the one who saved her and trained her.

This sounds too much like sort of a rushed end to the chapter? What abilities did she have? How did she learn to hunt animals and what animals? Did she find herself always 'hungry' and did she despise Ryan for turning her into a vampire, or did she in fact, like it?

I really enjoy the story line of this, and i giggled at:

he said then flashed her a smile "first lesson, we don't sparkle!"

Words can't even describe how happy I am that you aren't going to put this in your novel xD Anyway, again great work and keep it up! I enjoyed reading this (:

This chapter, as beginningtowrite already pointed out, felt very rushed, especially near the end. In addition, some of the facts don't quite match up within the chapter. In the beginning, you state that Kayla is eighteen and popular. Later on, you state that she's turning eighteen the next day. You can't be both eighteen and turning eighteen. Is she eighteen turning nineteen, or seventeen turning eighteen?

Another thing that I noticed was how unrealistically Kayla took the whole "your friends are dead and you're now a vampire like me" thing. It would take quite a bit of time to process her friends' death, especially if they were as close as you made them seem, and then there's the matter of Kayla's disbelief on the vampire matter not lasting very long. Unless part of the vampire transformation process includes making one able to believe what was previously inconceivable without asking too many questions, trusting a person you've never met before, and forgetting about how your best friends are dead because you were drunk and not paying attention while driving, then her reaction feels entirely contrived and unnatural.

If you spend more time on Kayla's reaction to the whole event rather than brush it off in your rush to continue the story, it will make your story stronger as a whole since we'll be able to relate to Kayla and care about her more. Right now, I don't know enough about Kayla, and with how she just basically forgot her best friends and that she was responsible for their deaths, I'm not sure I even want to know more about her. Quite simply, I don't care for Kayla as a character, so I don't care about what happens to her or what she does, and by extension, what the rest of the story is about.

You might want to fix that.

Hey there!! Spitfire here to review!

I didn't find any nit-picks, so I'll skip that and go straight for the main things.

First off; your characters seem wayyyy too perfect. I mean Kayla and Sean. They have everything, are everything and are in love. It's too much. Nobody is perfect, especially since they're teenagers. They'd complain, have fights and so on.

Second, as the two before me have mentioned, Kayla's reactions need to be more profound and realistic. You need to explore that much more than go through the rest of the story.

Third of all, your story is going way too fast. You're so concentrated on the bigger picture that you're passing over important info/actions. Take your time, prolong the scenes, like the one with the vampire, and so on. The rest can wait for a later chapter.

And that's all I gotta say. I like your writing style (and the fact that you make no mistakes..makes it so much more enjoyable to read )
Work on the things I mentioned and it'll be great!!
Spitfire