Not My Daughter

So this is my pathetic attempt at poetry. For obvious reasons, I don't write poetry very often, so please nail me on the format. I wrote this for a family friend whose daughter has gotten involved with the wrong people and is heading down this path. I tried it in a prose style, but it just didn't feel right. So poem it is!



Please, young man,
Not my daughter.
I see the mischief in your eyes,
And I fear you’ll hurt her.
But I also see the way
She looks at you,
And I know that there’s nothing
That I can do to change her mind.
I beg you, don’t lead her astray.
Not my daughter.

Please, officer,
Not my daughter.
She’s never done anything
Wrong until now.
It’s that boy she’s with.
Have you arrested him?
She would have never
Done it without him.
Please, she’s not cut out for prison.
Not my daughter.

Please, God,
Not my daughter.
She’s not ready
To meet You yet.
I cannot even be sure
Which way You will send her.
She wasn’t even driving.
Take him instead.
He was the one behind the wheel
After several shots too many.
So please, don’t take my daughter.
Not my baby girl.

I don't know why you say you suck at poetry, this is actually really good. I tend to like very image heavy poems, but you have made an exception. I will try and review it some.

Please, young man,
Not my daughter.
I see the mischief in your eyes, These lines gave me a few images that were a little mysterious. Cool.
And I fear you’ll hurt her.
But I also see the way
She looks at you,
And I know that there’s nothing
That I can do to change her mind.
I beg you, don’t lead her astray.
Not my daughter.

Please, officer,
Not my daughter.
She’s never done anything
Wrong until now.
It’s that boy she’s with.
Have you arrested him?
She would have never
Done it without him.
Please, she’s not cut out for prison.
Not my daughter.

Please, God,
Not my daughter.
She’s not ready
To meet You yet.
I cannot even be sure
Which way You will send her.
She wasn’t even driving.
Take him instead.
He was the one behind the wheel
After several shots too many.
So please, don’t take my daughter.
Not my baby girl. It's cool how you switch perspectives here when it comes to how you talk about her. Not exactly a creative line of itself, but in context it adds some interest.

All in all, the poem was blunt and to the point, but it did carry the emotion you were trying to convey. Stop saying you suck at poetry, and write some more!

I enjoyed that a lot!
One small suggestion at one line.

And I know that there's nothing
That I can do to change her mind.

I kind of thought that it would have been slightly better if you changed it to: And I know that there's nothing that I can do.
'To change her mind' just seemed a bit extra.
Other than that, it was wonderful! It actually made me a bit sad inside
Keep going

Kirah

You should wash your mouth out with soap for saying you are bad at poetry I loved this!! It was great, although I agree this is more of a prose piece then actual poetry. The story behind it is good too! I agree though that the last line should be reversed so you stick with your pattern of saing "not my daughter." PLEASE keep writing! You get a 'like' from me.

-Jessa

I liked this poem alot. Very good use of imagery and descriptive words. I think it's a sad beautiful poem. The only thing I can say is I thought the poem was a little choppy. So maybe you could work on i just a little but other than that I would really like to read more poetry from you. If you have anything else you would like me to review please tell me.

Sadness. Awe!

This was really well written. You conveyed the emotion very well.

Searria H. wrote:Please, young man,
Not my daughter.
I see the mischief in your eyes, This line is.... Amazing.
And I fear you’ll hurt her.
But I also see the way
She looks at you,
And I know that there’s nothing
That I can do to change her mind.
I beg you, don’t lead her astray.
Not my daughter.

Please, officer,
Not my daughter.
She’s never done anything
Wrong until now.
It’s that boy she’s with.
Have you arrested him?
She would have never
Done it without him.
Please, she’s not cut out for prison.
Not my daughter.

Please, God,
Not my daughter.
She’s not ready
To meet You yet.
I cannot even be sure
Which way You will send her.
She wasn’t even driving.
Take him instead.
He was the one behind the wheel
After several shots too many.
So please, don’t take my daughter.
Not my baby girl.

Good job!

You honestly should write poetry more often! I think that this was pretty creative and actually very interesting to read. You used the right amount of imagery and I could feel some of the anger. I don't really have anything to say about this, it seems fine the way it is.

Hello there.
I liked this piece a lot. After reading, it felt like much of a prose piece rather than a poem to me but the strong storyline made everything even. I point out everyones flow and rhythm but no, not this time. This did not need a flow to be a good piece. It was better without it. But if there was a flow to it then it would have a real masterpiece.

Please, young man,
Not my daughter.
I see the mischief in your eyes,
And I fear you’ll hurt her.
But I also see the way
She looks at you,
And I know that there’s nothing
That I can do to change her mind.
I beg you, don’t lead her astray.
Not my daughter.

The starting line was not as good as it could have been but then you managed to gather the attention of the reader. That one line, the third one, told a whole lot of things just by a few words. I could now tend to feel the intentions of the guy and the lines which followed just made everything rock strong. But the lines could have invoked much more emotions than it did now. It was just as if you were told the story. I couldn't feel things happening. But this whole stanza sets the mood of the poem.

Please, officer,
Not my daughter.
She’s never done anything
Wrong until now.
It’s that boy she’s with.
Have you arrested him?
She would have never
Done it without him.
Please, she’s not cut out for prison.
Not my daughter.

Do not capitalize the words after a comma even if it is the other line. It looks kind of odd and takes off the all the concentration. The 'w' in the word 'wrong' in the fourth line should not be in capitals. Here, you tell that the daughter and the guy are arrested by the police, but you do not tell us the reason why they are arrested. I kinda linked the mystery behind it. It provokes the reader to read more of the poem to ind out what finally happened.

Please, God,
Not my daughter.
She’s not ready
To meet You yet.
I cannot even be sure
Which way You will send her.
She wasn’t even driving.
Take him instead.
He was the one behind the wheel
After several shots too many.
So please, don’t take my daughter.
Not my baby girl.

The reader expects the reason of the arrest over here, in this stanza but it is not here. Instead you have jumped to a totally new thing. Death! Right from the police station to a car accident. This was a bit abrupt. You could have added another stanza in between these two for explaining the reason of the arrest and the release. From here, I get a faint hint that these two people could have been doing drugs or something like that. Is it? I liked the ending. Here I could feel the emotion of the parent pleading for her daughter. Good job.


I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:

First of all, that's so sad. I feel bad for your neighbor. It's completely unfortunate when this happens to a loved one, or even someone you know.

Please, young man,
Not my daughter.
I see the mischief in your eyes,
And I fear you’ll hurt her.
But I also see the way
She looks at you,
And I know that there’s nothing
That I can do to change her mind.
I beg you, don’t lead her astray.
Not my daughter.

First of all, this is a really good picture that captures the attention of the reader really well. I also like how you transition from please young man, please officer, to please God. This is setting the mood for the poem, making it clear that a boy the main character is dating caused this to happen to the girl.

Please, officer,
Not my daughter.
She’s never done anything
Wrong until now.
It’s that boy she’s with.
Have you arrested him?
She would have never
Done it without him.
Please, she’s not cut out for prison.
Not my daughter.

This part of the poem proves that the girl hanging out with this boy has proven badly for her. Obviously, she has gotten into trouble with the police.

Please, God,
Not my daughter.
She’s not ready
To meet You yet.
I cannot even be sure
Which way You will send her.
She wasn’t even driving.
Take him instead.
He was the one behind the wheel
After several shots too many.
So please, don’t take my daughter.
Not my baby girl.

This part is really sad because all these events leads up to the girl getting in a drunk driving accident with her boyfriend.

I really liked this poem. Besides the bad things that happen that happened to this girl, I liked the way you wrote it. The three sections, and they tell a story. And they transition really well! This really captured my attention, as the reader. This is literally the best poem I have ever read! I can't wait to read more of your poems. Please tell me you will be writing more!

Tell me if you need anything else reviewed!!!!!

~Forti(:

Okay, this was excellent. I kind of prefer intense poems with big points behind them to ones just about a pretty river (though I do like those) but this was great. First, I love how you reused the word 'please' multiple times, like the dad isn't even going to threaten even more, he just wants his daughter to come home safely. And the way you switch POV also conveys this, which I really liked. You also used repetition with 'not my daughter' until the final line when you used, 'So please, don’t take my daughter.
Not my baby girl.'
And this just pulled it all together. Excellent!
The way the father just sounds desperate and the daughter sounds in danger and everything seems wrong makes this poem so right... does that make sense?
I thought it very poignant.

This is pretty good. It's the most sensible thing I've read all week. This is the kind of stuff that actually deserves a feature, lol.

I'll review it fully later-time is lacking at the moment.
>review<

-Jojo

awe SOME

I really liked it! It made tear up a little bit towards the end. You kept the rhyming consistent, as far as I know. But, overall it was a very good poem, and I'd love to read more! Keep on writing!

Heeyyy! THIS IS AWESOME! Really, really amazing. You're a very good poet, I like your style of writing and your stanzas are very well built! Good, good, good. I have no complaints! This was just really beautiful, but sad poem!

Look, I'll give you all 5/5 icky sticky spiders!!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness