Raül's Legacy: Part 1

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Wow, it's been a while... (clears throat) Sorry, my writing vocals are a bit rusty. :D Anyhow, this is a quick idea I came up with, hope y'all like it! Comments and reviews, as always, are greatly appreciated. ^^
...And yes, the title sucks, live with it. :P

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He held the pulsing curiosity in the cage formed by the talon-like appendages fixed to his left gauntlet. Thick black ooze trickled out from the object's core; Raül's claw was already heavily stained by the dark liquid. The object expelled more of the liquid with every faint spasm. The ooze sought out the crevices in Raül's vermillion armor and pooled there, creating a breathtaking contrast of midnight black on red.

A breeze of wind caused a ripple just at the edge of Raül's vision. He turned his head to regard the animated lapels of a long coat. The coat belonged to a male Rashani; its prone form was unmoving and the unnatural angles of its splayed limbs told of a brutal death. Raül watched detachedly as the wind managed to throw back the thick leather and revealed a ragged hole in the Rashani's chest. The grevious wound leaked the same black blood as the heart in Raül's armored grasp.

Raül's gaze lingered awhile on the exposed flesh, then shifted to the softly beating heart. It was slightly smaller than the one beating in his own chest, but otherwise nearly the same. How could beings so similar in appearance be so different at heart? Raül watched as the now nearly unnoticeable pumping motion pushed forth more blood. He decided it had to have something to do with the corrupted liquid running through the veins of these Rashani. At least he assumed it were corrupted, nothing else explained the peculiar color.

He looked again at the ruined chest of the youthly male at his feet. Yes, he had done that. He had plunged his sharp talons into that writhing abomination and ripped out its racing heart. He had ended the life that had proclaimed itself above him. True, they had come from the skies and wrecked havoc upon his people, but that had been only due to their completely dominant technology. Thankfully the gasses in the Earth's air had made slow but steady work of their light-sticks and exploding... things. Raül's mouth twisted into a lesser scowl – his equivalent of a grin. Now the Rashani had to revert to good old steel, and the battleground was as even as it could be.

”Maybe more than even...” he muttered to himself.

”Sir? Say you something?”

Raül turned to look at one of his captains. Verbally challenged Shiraev had raised an eyebrow as an inquiry. Raül shook his head, partly to answer Shiraev's question, partly just to clear it. No sense in delaying this. He took a deep breath to steady himself. It was time to unleash the demon within; to hell and back with it.

Reaching into the darkest realms of his soul, Raül raised his left arm above his head and screamed with insanity-riddled fury. 350 thousand throats answered his scream, amplifying it to ear-shattering frequencies. The sheer force of their anger engulfed Raül and fed his growing frenzy to breaking point. He crushed the suspended heart in his iron grip, splattering the whole of his left side with dark life-blood. His soldiers' roar grew into a deafening storm of howls. Raül laughed out loud in delight. He grasped his grounded sword by its long hilt and wrenched it free with a shower of earth.

”For three hundred years we have grovelled! For three hundred damned years we have stood by and watched these demons-” Raül indicated the corpse with a bloody talon, ”-murder our kinsmen and rape our planet! But no more! Today, my loyal comrades, today it ends! The time has come to redeem ourselves in the eyes of our ancestors!” A strange gleam entered Raül's eyes. ”In the eyes of the Gods themselves. Let us drive this scum back to the Abyss! Let us drag them there by their shattered bones! Let us strip the very skin off their chests and wear them as trophies!”

His army answered his lustful words with a wordless cry of hate. On impulse, Raül spun around and plunged his bloodied talons into the Rashani's corpse. He tightened his fist and felt the keen edges biting into the stringy meat. He flexed the muscles of his arm and, with a primal cry of triumph, ripped out a chunk of swollen dark red meat. Raül turned back to the rows of gleaming armor and threw back his head, letting the dark blood gush down onto his upturned face. The already frenzied soldiers threw back their own heads and let out wild shrieks and beat their weapons on armor and shield.

Raül let the noise wash over him and revelled in the animalistic pleasure of it. This was his herd. It was his duty to lead it to victory. The bitter blood dripped from his chin and hair as he snapped his head back to his men. And by the Gods they would win.

”They are no better than us! They are just blood and bone, see how they bleed! So let your blades sing! Let their armor weep! Feast upon their despair and shatter their hopes!” Raül's lips drew back in a feral grin, revealing two rows of teeth filed to sharp points. ”Yes, feast and grow strong. Today we take back our honour! Run with me this day! Run with me and show these rotten curs the way to hell! If you go down, you go down screaming bloody murder! And when we win! When we win...”

Hundreds of thousands of voices hushed as their commander bowed his blood-soaked head. Raül willed the wind to blow and blow it did. It caught his long, dark hair in its spiraling embrace, whipping it around like dark fire. A sudden fury clenched Raül's abdomen and he flung the steaming meat from his hand. Barely controlling his sudden rage, he spun around once more. He pointed the quivering tip of his two-handed sword at the horde of Rashani on the other side of the wasted valley. Wasted by the Rashani's hands. Eyes clear as a raging furnace, Raül found himself drawing in as much air as he could.

”THIS NIGHTMARE WILL CEASE!” he roared out with all his might.

His men screamed their defiance to the demons and surged forward, all sense of ranks and rows forgotten. Next to Raül, Shiraev started up a chant and soon the whole valley echoed with it.

”THIS IS THE END! THIS IS THE END!”

Raül broke into a run of his own, laughing, completely at ease with his darker side. No thoughts, just scream and kill. His grip tightened on his massive sword as he put on a burst of speed to reach the front line. This was it. The end.

To be continued...
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The like-button is at your most gracious disposal. Regardless of this, have a nice day. ^^

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Last edited by WaitingForLife on Sat Aug 13, 2011 9:41 am, edited 3 times in total.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
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Hey there Life,

I'm Tanya, here to review.

Well, ordinarily, I don't read these types of stories. Just a little too dark for my tastes. But this was good. I really enjoyed it. There was no info dump and no confusion. The info flowed out perfectly and your mc seems very realistic.

Although, I do want to say that this sounded more like a prologue than a chapter, but maybe that's just me.

Nice work on this, it was a great read.

Tanya :D




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Thanks a lot for the comment! :)

As for the prologue thingy, this will only have like three parts to it, maybe four. I'm only going to write about the actual conflict, nothing afterwards. Hope that cleared it up a bit. :P
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
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Hey there! I'll be reviewing this for you today!

First of all, I did like this. Mostly the ending because it seemed very power compared to the rest of the piece which I felt was a bit confusing.

For the opener, it was confusing! I was actually lost and didn't have a real clue to what you were actually talking about. Then I thought your characters were birds like...real birds and then I thought they were human then demons. I was quite confused by this so is there a possibility of you maybe making it a bit more clear. I did rest myself by telling myself that they were, hopefully, demons. I think. I don't know. LOL.

You actually kind of used an overabundance of adjectives in the first few beginning paragraphs. It became sort of hard to read and all the descriptions made your sentences a bit too thick and hard to picture, if you know what I mean. So that also added to some of my initial confusion.

It was actually only until the middle of the story where I figured it all out. They were in the middle of a war. xD
I do like the story after the middle though. The first half, I think you might need to work on letting us know what these characters are and setting up and actual setting so readers aren't asking questions while reading.

You had good grammar and punctuation so I won't go deep into that much at all. I did like your descriptions though - when they didn't lose me. I felt they were at time, quite clever in their own way.

As far as the story goes, I don't really know what's going on and the reason behind the war but I hope they win. lol
You character is a bit like any other war-hero character so you might want to try to give him something that makes him stand out besides the fantasy part of all this.

Overall, this was good and I did enjoy reading it.
Keep up the good work and let me know if you have any questions. I'm a quick PM away. ^___^

Alright! Keep writing!
-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Thanks for all the constructive crit. ^^

Haha, I'm actually glad you were confused about what the main characters were, as that was sort of the point. BUT I'll put in more description about what the MC actually looks like, as bird-people weren't really what I had in mind. :D Also, the fact that they were in the middle of a war was supposed to be sorta hidden too. But I'll see if I can make the first paragraph less blotchy, you had a good point there. :)

As for the typical war-hero, I wanted to make a quite-clichéd-epic-battle-with-a-twist sort of thing. This was mostly to practice my war-scenes in general (as in the actual fighting), so that's why I won't be taking too much stress on the clichéd plotline :P

Anyhow, thanks, I'll clear up the beginning and continue on with the next part. :)
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
◥▶◀◤



Sometimes even shooting stars find wishes that miss their marks.
— TryHardNinja