Flight 764-Chapter 1

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1.
You could say that Gerald Falco was an unlucky man. Even the time he won two hundred fifty dollars on the two dollar scratch off lottery ticket he had purchased at Austin’s tiny convenience store on the corner of Broad Ave., he had been unlucky. Yes, he was lucky he had won the money, seeing he never liked to gamble on anything in the first place. It became unlucky when he was walking up the alley between 3rd and 4th street that a stranger by the name of Clyde Dempsy pulled out the .38 pistol and positioned it right in the back of Gerald’s head.
“Give me the money, piggy.”
“Sure, take it.” Gerald said with ease. He reached into his Columbia jacket, and pulled out the two hundred fifty, along with the three dollars and twenty cents he had left over from his ten he had used to pay for his pack of smokes. The dimes fell loosely through his fingers and onto the pavement.
“Please, sir, don’t hurt me. I have a daughter. I love my daughter.” This was true.
“Thank you so kindly” Clyde said and put his size 10 ½ boot squarely on the seat of Gerald’s ass, and Gerald went sailing into a dumpster that belonged to one of the towns many pubs. This one happened to be the Rosy Pub, which favored the Latino race. He felt something in his coat pocket smash against the dumpster, and realized it was the pack of cigarettes he had just bought. By the time Gerald got turned around, Clyde was gone.

Gerald picked up the two dimes he had dropped and gathered up what pride he had left, and went on his way. He had things to do and would not let this little incident set him back. He glanced down at his watch, and noticed that it was 2:45 P.M. His daughter, Justine, would be home within the hour. Gerald reached into the right pocket of his coat, and found what he was looking for. He pulled out a smashed pack of Marlboro Reds, and wrinkled his face in disgust. He opened the fresh pack and pulled out several broken cigarettes, and finally found one that was worthy of smoking.
“Asshole” he muttered to himself.
He pressed it to his lips, realizing it looked like a banana, and then reached into his other pocket for his lighter. He found it, lit the cigarette, and inhaled a deep drag. Pure bliss, he thought.

He was trying to figure out a way of telling his daughter what he had gotten her for her graduation present, without ruining too much of the surprise. It’s all in the art of the surprise, as Gerald’s father used to tell him. For Gerald’s sixteenth birthday, his father had gotten him a car, and taken him to a dealership and told him, “now one of these here cars is yours. I’m not gonna tell ya which one it is, you will have to figger that out for yourself. Your car will be the only one that is unlocked.” It took Gerald at least an hour to stumble upon the little blue Chevette that was his, and the one he least liked in the whole lot. Justine had made it very clear to her mother that she did not want her present at her graduation ceremony. So instead, her mother sent her a card in the mail with a fifty dollar Hollister gift card inside. Justine threw it away. She didn’t favor her mother too well. You will find out why soon enough.
She was due to graduate high school two days from today, which would be Wednesday. Gerald had the surprise of a lifetime for his daughter, which he knew she could not throw away.
Last edited by BigDaddyDawg1899 on Tue Apr 26, 2011 6:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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corner of Broad Ave, he had been unlucky


corner of Broad Ave., he had been unlucky Add a period for the abbreviation of avenue.

daughter.%u201D And this


I was always told never to start a sentence with And but I'm not saying you have to change it or not. Can anyone else verify?

the two fifty

change to two-hundred and fifty Even though you previously said he won $250.00 they may miss read it here as 2.50 instead.

was 2:45 pm


change to : was 2:45 P.M. A.M. and P.M. are always capitalized.
and told him %u201Cnow one of these


I'd put a comma between him and "now : and told him, "now one of these...

That's the only things I noticed that stood out for grammar. I think this story does have lots of potential and can't wait to read the rest! Keep up the good work. An
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Hi, so I think this story is pretty good so far. However, I think (and this is just a personal opinion) that it could use more feeling. How did he feel when he thought back to the present he was given for his sixteenth birthday? Did he look back on the memory bitterly? Did his hands clench up with anger? Was there sadness? And when he was getting mugged:

“Sure, take it.” Gerald said with ease.
He seems pretty 'at ease', considering the situation. I know that I wouldn't be able to say anything with so much grace in the face of a mugger. Was he good under high-pressure situations, as he seems to be? Does he shut down in the face of danger? Was he thinking of ways to disarm the mugger, worrying about the gun that could very well end his life?

Mostly, I would just work on putting more emotion into the story. Of course, some stories are actually meant to sound quite detached in order to make the meaning more powerful, but that depends on the writer's intentions for the story.

Again, this is all just my opinion, and I hope I don't offend you with it any way. The only grammatical error I can detect that others haven't pointed out yet is that you wrote "figger" instead of "figure", in Gerald's flashback about his sixteenth birthday present.

Best of luck to you !
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Hey thanks for the review. The reason i spelled figger instead of figure is I wanted to the reader to know he talked that way, sort of red neckish. It was meant to be that way and there is also a reason why he has no emotion, which I will get to in a later chapter. Right now Im trying to get the reader to understand he really only cares about his daughter, and he is so unlucky, that he is used to things going bad. Thanks for the review




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Hey! This is really nice and interesting so far! I love the way you started it. It made me want to read more :D There we're a couple of things though.
“Thank you so kindly” Clyde said


I don't think somebody who was stealing from someone else would say "Thanks you so kindly" If it was meant to be sarcastic maybe you could say: "Thank you so kindly" Clyde said sarcastically. Or if you really wanted him to sound mean you could say: "Thank you so kindly" Clyde growled sarcastically. Or muttered or something along those lines!

Also,
By the time Gerald got turned around


I don't think the word "got" should be there. I think it would sound better without it.

One last thing, You could have been a bit more specific about the way Gerald felt throughout the whole chapter. Details are the key! Haha. Great job otherwise! Keep writing, I cannot wait to read the next part! Maybe you could make it a little longer though?
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I read it. Every word dragged me into the story. I felt like it had a nice feel to it. Good job!




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Hi there!

I liked this. I think it serves as a nice intro to the rest of the story, which I'll read and review in a minute! :) Although I wasn't sure what the first part had to do with the story, he part where Gerald's money was stolen. Maybe it leads up to something else, but it seems detached, like you don't really need it.

That's really my only complaint. I can't wait to read the next chapter! Great job! :)
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Hi and thanks! Basically, I put the part about him being robbed by clyde for 2 reasons. 1, I wanted the reader to have a demonstration of a time when he was unlucky, and his emotions through it happening, and 2, Clyde Dempsy will appear in the story as a character and be going through some problems himself in later chapters. Hope this clarifies some of your questios! Thanks for reading!




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This piece kept you hanging. First, the fact that he was unlucky even though he won the lottery. Then, he gets mugged, and it doesn't really faze him, except for the fact that his cigarettes were damaged. then, he goes on to tell about his daughter throwing away the gift card, saying that he'll explain later. It really kept me into it, and I can't wait to read more.Keep writing!
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