Lifewish: Prologue

Lifewish: Prologue



Fluid, graceful, poised. Back arched, arms raised, toes pointed. Breathe. In, out. Left foot out behind me, neck craned. Balance, balance. Lower. Back straight, toes pointed, arms up around head, spin on toes. Breathe. In, out.
"Good, Garnette! Relax your shoulders. Great. Now hold it, hold it!"
Toes pointed, arms up, wrists down, fingers splayed. Breathe. In, out. Right foot up behind me, neck straight. Elbows locked, toes pointed. Breathe. In, out.
"Amazing! Simply amazing. You can relax now, Garnette. Great job today. Personally, I don't think that there's anything to worry about for Evaluations, dear. You are born to dance, honey!" Mrs. Brooks gushes.
"Thank you, Mrs. Brooks! I appreciate it." I shake her hand politely as I sling my duffle bag over my shoulder.
"Oh, it was nothing, sweets. See you tomorrow!" My ballet teacher, Mrs. Brooks, squeals as she escorts me out the door. My mom is waiting for me in front of the squat white building. She honks the horn at me to hurry me up. It doesn't work. I take my time crossing the parking lot, looking both ways as if a car might come. This is highly unlikely, considering that it is a foggy December morning and it is about two degrees outside. My mom honks again as I approach the car. I open the door and climb in. My 6-year-old brother, Declan, is asleep in his car seat.
"What took you so long?" My mom calls at me as best she can while she meticulously applies a fresh coat of lipstick.
"Sorry," I mumble.
My mom nods, satisfied, and revs the engine. "So, how was practice?"
"Practice was good. I've perfected my adage," I say, not being able to hide my pride.
"Mmm, great."
"And Mrs. Brooks said that I was done with Evaluation training, and that she thinks I'll make it!" I blurt out suddenly.
"Ah, good for you."
We ride in awkward silence the rest of the way home.

When we reach our house, I wake Declan and bring him inside while mom gathers the grocery bags from the trunk. I swing open the huge front door, and stop in my tracks. Sitting at our long dining room table is- is-
"Hello, Garnette. Please have a seat. I'm Deborah Holland, the Director of Evaluation." The woman says, her tone poised and elegant. She is dressed in a beautiful yet simple silk dress, with a string of pearls around her neck.
I take a seat next to my dad, across from her. "Hello, Mrs. Holland." I say politely. The woman smiles.
"Such a wonderful daughter, Evan. You should be proud," she tells my dad, who beams.
"Thank you, Mrs. Holland," He says, his tone full of awe.
"Now, Garnette, dear, I've heard that you are quite the ballet prodigy."
I nod, blushing.
"Yes, Mrs. Holland, she is! Our little star!" Dad says, still grinning.
My palms are sweaty. This is the woman who can ruin my life. This is the woman who can end my life. These thoughts keep bouncing around in my head. I shake them off. Deborah seems too nice. I look up to try and focus on what her and my dad are saying.
"...and I believe that you are ready, my dear." Mrs. Holland and my dad are both looking at me expectantly.
"Um, I'm sorry, what?" I ask.
"Well, I get that you're nervous and all, but, dear, this is a big opportunity," Deborah finishes.
"Er, no, I mean I didn't hear what you said."
"Oh. I said that I thought that perhaps you could have an early Evaluation. I think you're ready, my sweet," Mrs. Holland finishes.
"Uh, um," I swallow. "Er, yes. Yes. I'll do it."
"Wonderful! I will see you at Evaluation Center this Saturday." Mrs. Holland says, clapping her hands in delight.
My dad's grin stretches even further. I don't think that he's stopped smiling since Deborah arrived.
"Goodbye, Mrs. Holland," I say as she picks up her briefcase.
"Oh, goodbye, dear. Practice up for Evaluation!"
"I will!" But she is already gone.

"Oh, congratulations, Garnette! You'll make it! You really will!" My dad gushes.
"Thanks, Dad." I say, trying to sound chipper. I look over at my mom, in the kitchen, who has been silent the entire time.
"Mom?" I hesitate. "Did you hear what Mrs. Holland said?"
"Yes," she answers timidly, "Yes, I did. Good for you."
I stand up and go to her. "Mom, is anything wrong?"
"No, no." She gives me a weak smile.
"Garnette, it's eight o'clock. Why don't you go to bed?" My dad suggests.
"But, dad, why would I go to bed at eight?"
"Um, long day?"
I get that he is trying to send me away so that he can talk to my mother. "Okay, goodnight."
He sighs, relieved. "Night, Garnette."

[spoiler] Hey guys! This is part of my new novel, Lifewish. I would very much appreciate reviews of any kind! :3 Thanks so much. Yours, Pen

Well hello there! I shall review this
So this sounds fantastik

The first paragraph seems to be ranting a little. Starting with love, right into the second sentence, you've already skipped to a totally different subject. This kind of confuses me... Starting with another sentence might help with that, or just adding a bit more about love first before starting into the rest, while making a nice link would help.

Now, the government forbids any kind of relationship (except hate, or course). "Any kind of relationship, with Unwelcomes or other humans, is hereafter strictly forbidden by law. For if this is to occur, he/she may get attached and refuse to participate in the Escape from the Unwelcome." -from "Policies of Humankind", p. 651, Section 7

This ,right here, makes me think of Nineteen Eighty-Four! o.O Flashback. It's a nice theme, because it makes people think about life, and its meanings, and I'm rather curious of what you'll do with this.

Overall, nice beginning, that's for sure. You used information well, just giving us enough to make us curious and wanting more. There are lots of questions left unanswered. I'm excited for the rest!

Keep on writing!
-Truth-

I really enjoyed this my only suggestion is to space paragraphs and dialogues so people don't lose their spot or not know who is speaking the lines. Other than that I don't have any spelling or grammar mistakes to point out whatsoever. I thoroughly enjoyed this and I can't wait to read more if you add more to this. It would be wonderful to keep reading and I'll be keeping an eye out for more!!!! Good luck and Keep up the amazing work!! Happy Writing and best of wishes! I hope you receive many helpful reviews and that this review helps in some way no matter how small hehe.
Soulkana<3

Hello! I thought your picture thingy was really pretty! I love the flower and the font. Which font did you use?

So my main issue with this is that a lot of it is dialogue. I think you need to slow down the pacing a little bit and take time to describe things a little more. For example, what does your main character's mother look like? Her father? What color is her mom's lipstick?

I would also like to see a little more back story on your main character. Has she always wanted to dance? Maybe you could provide some more insight on her relationships with her mother and father.

Hope this helps!

- Jelly

Thanks everyone! And Jellybean, I used www.picfont.com to make the cover. The font is Folks3. Thanks again for your reviews!

First off, let me warn you: this is my 666th review. It may be extremely evil.

That said, I'd like to tell you that I saw this on the Bamboozle page, and that's why I started reviewing it... but as soon as I realized that it was about ballet my eyes bugged out of my head. I'm a ballet dancer, you see, and I just had a weekend of intense performances. Right now I'm sitting on the couch feeling as though my legs are going to fall off. =.= Anyhow. *ehem* That's not really related.

So. There's not really much to go by yet (because this is so short!) but I think you've off to a good start. The emotions seem to be there, and from what I can see you have a good group of characters lined up. I'd be interested to see where you take this.

One question I have is this: are you a ballet dancer? Because some things don't seem quite right to me--for example: "toes pointed, arms up around head, spin on toes." That's not something I would ever think while dancing. Firstly, "toes pointed" is really a no-no. You actually don't want your toes to be pointed. You want your ankle and foot to be pointed--yes, you want the shape to extend down to the toes, but they are not what initiate it. Especially if you're en pointe. If you're in pointe shoes, you don't want your toes to be pointed--you want them extended. Also, when you're dancing you think mostly about the muscles behind what you're doing, not about what you're doing. So, for example, thinking about lengthening the front of the ankle/foot when pointing.

"Arms up around head" can be called a number of things, depending on what method you study, but you would never call it "arms up around head." Generally, that's fifth position--if she's studying the Cecchetti school, it might be called fifth position en haut, but a ballet dancer wouldn't really call it "arms up around head." And ballet dancers very rarely use the term "spin." Actually, we're told all the time to "turn, not spin" since "spin implies being out of control which is something you want to avoid at all costs.

Anyway, I'm not going to keep lecturing you on this because it's probably boring you. But if you want any more help with talking like a ballet dancer, just let me know! I'll be happy to help you.

a

Ballet! I've never done it, but I love stories with ballet.

Anyway, the main thing about this piece that I noticed was the dialogue grammar. You definitely need to fix that up! Instead of this:

"Practice was good. I've perfected my adage." I say, not being able to hide my pride.

It should look like this:

"Practice was good. I've perfected my adage," I say, not being able to hide my pride.

Also, I think the parents' relationship with the girl is a bit odd, if that makes sense. They seem kind of flat, as if they only live for their little girl, lol. But! I don't think that would be the case most of the time. Having parents that thought very highly of me, they still had busy lives and they couldn't spend every waking minute of theirs thinking about me. Though, sometimes I thought they did!

The ballet routine seems a bit... flat. I've never been in ballet, so I don't know the specifics, but I have played music, and they really don't want you to just focus on the technique. They do, to a point, but they also want you to focus on the art, especially if you are really good. So it seems weird that her thoughts are purely physical and devoid of any feeling. I don't know whether these thoughts are true or not, lol. It just seemed a bit weird to me.

I really, really don't trust Mrs. Holland. The way she's acting is sneaky since she seems to be singling out Garnette completely. Maybe she is going to hurt her knees or something? I don't know! All I know is that I don't really trust her at all and I think she is a sneaky lady who will turn out to be very, very evil as time goes on. If this were in fantasy, I would think she would be the evil witch of sorts!

Anyway! You should definitely write more of this! It's really nice to see a story about ballet and such... and I would like to find out how a prodigee of ballet gets along with life.

Also... I want to see her little brother more. He's cute. Though, I've never seen a six year old sleep in the car, lol. Usually, they seem to be wiggling impatiently.

Thanks for all your help! And Azila, it's awesome that you're a ballet dancer, because I need someone to help me with that. My best friend is a ballet dancer, but she is out of town so I couldn't ask her to help me (maybe you could?) Basically, I just Googled pictures of ballet poses and ballet videos, and described them (not the best way to do it, I realize now) . It'd be so awesome if you could help me with that first part. Also, congrats on your 666th review! That's amazing! I will keep you posted for sure. Thanks again everyone for your great reviews! Much appreciated!

Yours,
Pen

Very good! This is a nice start to the story. Well written... If there are any major changes that need to happen, I didn't notice them.

There are a couple of little things, though.

That break between where Mrs. Holland leaves and her dad speaks is a bit strange. I would leave it all one piece of writing, and maybe to separate them have a little line like, "My dad spoke the second the door shut behind her", or something. A little pause, but not a huge, awkward break. Otherwise I feel like I'm traveling into a new scene, and I'm really not. The dad speaking comes just a few seconds later.

There was a feeling I had most of the way through... It's something that's hard for me to put my finger on. The story was good, but I had a feeling that it was almost too... Uh... Cheery?

The line that implies Mrs. Holland can end her life alludes to seriousness to come, as does the mother's silence. Speaking of which, the mother's silence is making my plot brain go wild. Is she just worried for her child? Or did she have an older sibling who didn't make it? *wiggles eyebrows*

Anyway, there's some foreshadowing about seriousness, but there's also a lot of happy, and smiling, and pride... At least when she's actually doing the ballet moves, she should be focused and intense, keeping in mind that if she's not good, she won't live. Or maybe not during the ballet moves, but as she walks out. A blend of pride and anxiety. And I think she would hesitate more before taking the Examination early. Maybe she feels like things are moving too fast all around her, she could have a panicked thought, like, 'I'm not ready.' Or maybe it's just her character that she's confident, she's never had a doubt that she'll make it... But she'll probably have at least a few doubts.

Very nice start, but I'd like to see more tension and conflict there to lead us into the rest of the story. Make us wonder, 'Is she really going to make it?' because that's what's going to keep us reading. Right now it seems like nobody has a doubt.

Keep writing.

First: Since this is a writing site, and you're not submitting the cover for reviews, either hid it in a spoiler or don't show it all. It's somewhat distracting. (That, or maybe provide a link. It doesn't really matter, so long as you don't present the reder with a big road block right away.)

Fluid, graceful, poised. Back arched, arms raised, toes pointed. Breathe. In, out. Left foot out behind me, neck craned. Balance, balance. Lower. Back straight, toes pointed, arms up around head, spin on toes. Breathe. In, out.
"Good, Garnette! Relax your shoulders. Great. Now hold it, hold it!"
Toes pointed, arms up, wrists down, fingers splayed. Breathe. In, out. Right foot up behind me, neck straight. Elbows locked, toes pointed. Breathe. In, out.

I loved this part! Some of it was kinda fragmented, but you can get away with that because you're showing her thoughts.

Personally, I don't think that there's anything to worry about for Evaluations, dear. You are born to dance, honey!" Mrs. Brooks gushes.

I live in the South. Women here are known for "baby," "honey," "sweetie," "dear," "darling."
I don't think I've ever heard someone use them as close together as you just did.

I know the teacher's gushing, but take out either "dear" or "honey."
XD

"What took you so long?" My mom calls at me as best she can while she meticulously applies a fresh coat of lipstick.

Try "What took you so long?" My mom called, meticulously applying a fresh coat of lipstick.


I think Snoink's right about the dialog, though I didn't see a difference in the way she wrote it. X3 The dad's a bit too gushy-- he doesn't seem natural. I think you really just need practice-- this is a common thing I see when reading something by a young writer.

Having said that, I can tell by the reviews before me that you've already improved. Good job! Keep it up. I'm sure you can make this piece shine, it's just going to take some more work.

Overall, I really liked this. (I used to take ballet. X3)

This was an interesting read, and I must say that I particularly liked the first paragraph or two. Switching on and off between the woman commenting on her and her stream of conciousness had a cool effect to it. It not only demonstrated how many intricate details she has to focus on while dancing, but also the result of that focus. Stream of conciousness is a difficult style to perfect, but you did quite well with it for the brief instance that you used it.

As for what I think you could change, the pacing could use some work, as I felt like the story progressed a little bit fast. for instance, we have a brief scene at the studio, and then a paragraph or two on the car ride, and all of a sudden we are home. This could be stretched out a little more, by adding more detail and description, and possibly a bit more explanation. Usually a prologue is an optional chapter that readers can read because they want to know even more about the story, or because they want to know backstory. While including backstory isn't nescessary, a little more explanation in this peice would do it well.

All in all though, good job, I'll be reviewing the first chapter next, keep writing!
Your friend,
---Psudiname