I read it. Awesome job once again! Nothing was offensive, though his description of his sibling was a little (very) frisky. Altogether, it's extremely entertaining and I'm beginning to understand these characters more.
Evan is quiet, which I never would've guessed given his way of collecting girls. I myself am fairly quiet. So, I have a suggestion for you on that note: My dad told me that quiet people (Evan) are what sociologists call introverts. What are introverts? I am an introvert, and have been for years; and from reading this, I know Evan is an introvert too. You can definitely use this to expand Evan's character, because a lot is known about introverts-
1) They plan way ahead, yet they procrastinate.
2) They think big (as in failure-is-not-an-option or I-gotta-win).
3) They're quiet and controlled on the outside, but are a raging mess on the inside.
4) They're obsessive in some way that few of their peers know about (i.e.- ticking, phobia, strong desire, etc.)
5) They're intelligent; school is a breeze, because they think so hard.
So, from reading this, you may find that Evan is a total introvert, which really intrigues me to read more. I also realized that you managed to keep Vivian the same person in this chapter as she was in Chapter One- a lot of writers aren't able to keep consistent with their characters, but you are, so good job on that.
A criticism I have is the cussing. I know what you're thinking: Welcome to real life, kid. But you could do with less.
Other than the cussing, though, it was greatly entertaining and I can't wait to read more. Your writing is unique in that it depicts people the way they are without holding back- I'll be sure to learn something from that!
Awe, thanks for the review Formslipper! I recently came to love Evan myself. I'm writing chapter 26 as we speak, and I'm falling more for his character each section. I can see how in some ways he's an "introvert." He's quiet around the adults, yet he lets his inner self out around his closest friends and he's smart and mature in his own little way. As for the language, gees, I should tone it down, the funny thing is my friends say I should tone it up because teenagers use that type of language especially people like Evan and Vivian since they're so "bad." Vivian's character's quite a handful and you're going to find out how in the very next chapter. I'm glad you're liking it so far, it's very inspiring when it comes to motivating me to continue on the rest of this story. I look forward to seeing what else you have to say when it comes to Vivian's character in chapter three.
So I liked the description of Vivian by Evan. That speaks tons about Evan and it's a positive character building going on. But try not to make it look like an info dump, okay? Because, though her description sound nice to read, they become quite a mouthful. Like 'mellifluous copper skin.' It borders on wordiness. So I would suggest cutting down on it. Because I would love to hear his thoughts on Vivian yet when stated like this, I don't feel like reading that info chunk and I want to skip it. Also; I think you could do with some more showing.
Now as a stand alone chapter, this bored me. I mean, okay, 2 points are the Principal's daughter's coming and the little bit about Vivian. Vivian's dialogue is good, but I would like to see some more in this chapter. I'm saying this because the story has an interesting premise and I would like to see it developed. So, they're regular's to the Pricipal's office. Is there something that stood out? What was his mood like? Little things like this should help you out to make it better. Then, it will seem like the story has a backbone with some reinforcements.
Good luck! ~Lava. (Also; if you'd like to reply to this, I'd rather you PMed it to me. That way I can keep a track of it. ^^)
~ Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know. - Ian McEwan in Atonement
