I Desire Lies to Ring True

What if I spoke of
life as prosperous,
enjoyable,
perfect,
human equality exists,
no humor at your pain,
no cries to muffle?

Then, I persuade you.
Somewhere, life Is perfect
as I speak.
I convince you,
I know where.
I promise to take you.

For I spoke with lies
you wished to hear.
I must tell you,
I am merely
a liar.




Hello all, this poem is fairly short and the vocabulary needs some work, but the emotion is there and I would like to make this one work!! So suggestions, opinions, and critiques would be amazing, just like you for reading this! Thank-you.--DaRiEN

Great!, i am first.... so here my points on the poem

Somewhere, life is as perfect

i think this line is good but "as" here weaken it. it'd be better if life is perfect since you already supposed that from the beginning . the flow is there and the emotion too!
but i think you should work on the end, can be more powerful!

i like it, keep up and update us with your work!

I like this poem a lot, especially the ending. The way the lines gradually get shorter and the last line, being the shortest, has a great punch to it. All I can suggest is many be at beginning the line.

What if I spoke of

Perhaps use a comma.

What if, I spoke of

This just slows the pace a little and gradually draws the reader in, making it more like you're sharing a secret or telling a story. But that's just an idea great work! xXx

I liked this poem, even though I didn't really know what was going on. Add more, a lot more and it could turn out really good. It can be way better than it is now, but it's a good start.
Great writing, Emmy.