Painful Reminders

Can I never just forget?
Forget it even happened?
Close my eyes,
disappear,
away.
One memory or word
reminds me of it all.

What can I do to make it go?
Don't show the pain?
Close my heart,
let no one,
inside.
One brush of a stare
sets me off the edge.

The painful reminder
of his
sick
hands.
The painful image
of his
sadistic mind.

The little girl
that I
was
but no longer
am.

The ability
to
forget
is lost,
lost in
thousands
of
dreams.


Cut myself?
Kill myself?
Abuse myself?

What can I do
to get through
this pain?

How can I
heal this wound
in my heart?

Before I
begin to
fall
apart?

I'm losing
pieces
one
by
one.

First the arms
then the legs
the eyes
the ears
the rotten brain.

These
painful
reminders
poke holes
in my skin.

Leaving
me leaking.

Dripping everywhere
leaving
my
mark
wherever I go.

These
painful
reminders
crawl down
my throat
choking me,
gripping me,
dragging me,
to the dark.

This is for the stuff that you wish you could forget
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Hi there!

So, um, yeah. This isn't awful, and I've definitely seen poetry that is much worse, but I feel like you can, by any means, do better than what you have here right now. The grammar is good, and I can tell that you know what to say, but other than that, it's just kind of unimaginative, blank, and there's nothing here that's really going to be remembered about this piece. Why? What you have here has been done to death. Sure, a lot of us get so depressed in our lifetimes, and that's why it's a common theme, but if you want to write about this, fine -- but if you want it to stand out and really be great, you have to make it your own.

One way that you can do this is by adding more images and detail. You can even see how much it's lacking from the physical fact that stanzas are very thin; almost like skeletons. Fill those out! Who is this character? What are they trying to forget, and why? How do his troubles affect those around him? If you want to make people to be able to relate to this, you can keep it vague, but still include more details about the life they live; that's how a lot of songs work. What does the area that they live in look like? When you add your detail, imagery will come; think of metaphors, similes that you can use to describe the character's situation.

Also, another rule you can try to follow is show, not tell (yes, it exists in poetry too). Instead of telling us why your character feels this way, show his interactions with others, put him in situations. That way, we'll be able to see what's going on, make connections to our own experiences, and relate to him that way.

Overall, this is not a bad piece, and with some revision, I can see it becoming something really sad and moving. Hope this helps and that I wasn't too harsh; feel free to drop me a note if you have any questions.

~ Elinor

I like the poem alot. Its dark and again like I have said before your poetry is unique. I really cant think of anything to change. I can relate to this poem 100 percent. Maybe in your next poem you could add imagery and use some more descriptive words? Just a thought. Other than that good job.

helloo,
I want to start of with: This is absolutely beautiful and sad! You have captured that feeling of being hurt very well in this poem..It is so sad when things like that happen to a person, because that person will never forget and it will always leave ugly scars..And I think that everyone who has been through that kind of thing really can relate to your poem!

What can I do to make it go? I think 'make it go away' will sound better, but maybe that's just me
Don't show the pain?
Close my heart,
let no one,
inside.
One brush of a stare
sets me off the edge.

One of my favorite parts:

The little girl
that I
was
but no longer
am.

I think there should be comma's here:

These
painful
reminders
crawl down
my throat
choking me,
gripping me,
dragging me,
to the dark.

Hopefully this helped a little
Great write!
-qaralynn-