The Legend of Dana(Chapter 1)

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As far as James was concerned, he was willing to risk life and limb for this job. Whatever he must do, he does it without excuse. He had every reason to decline this offer, but his boss refused to let him turn down this chance-of-a-lifetime offer. All he wanted was a good night's rest, nothing more. Although he liked to walk the streets of Calmsville, he hated doing it at eleven at night. The city was rumored to be full of theives, rapists, murderers, and ghosts at this late night hour, so the streets themselves were momentarily deserted. Lamplights kept the streets illuminated, at least until sunrise where all activity is present. James had a feeling that he wasn't the only one in Nightshade Avenue, but he had no idea who was with him at this minute.
He saw a lonesome man sitting on a bench, seemingly harmless. The man's face was circular and moonlight pale, his cheeks flushed from any trace of color. His eyes were a luminious blue, but from where James was standing they look grey. He stared at James for at least three minutes, then stood up. He was a head taller than James. He held a calm expression for the moment, but left James without warning.
James chased the stranger until they were in a dark alley. James said loudly, "There's no use running away, mister. You're cornered and got nowhere to hide."
The stranger suddenly laughed satanically and said, "That's where you're wrong, kid. I got everywhere to hide. There's only one thing I can do to get out of this, and you can't stop me from making my getaway. So long, sucker! Dana the Lonely Heart is now splitting the scene!" The stranger jumped and - to James' surprise- flew off into the night, laughing his metallic and satanic laughter.
This made no sense to James, but nonetheless he attempted to follow this Dana person and get some answers out of him. He thought, Call me a kid?! Nobody has called me a kid since I was eighteen. I'm only twenty-three. How old does he think I am, eight? While, I'll show him. James gave up and went home, disgusted of his pain. It was three days later when James set out to chase this "Dana" person again. James checked Nightshade Avenue, but the bench was deserted. He yelled, "Come out and fight like a man! I don't know who or what you are, but you'll pay for calling me a kid! I'm only twenty-three years old and still young!" At first James had no answer, but then he heard someone singing. The song itself was like some kind of dark melody, but James wasn't sure. Regarless of this, he followed the singing to a small cottage on the outskirts of Calmsville. He knocked on the oak door and asked, "If anybody's home, can I come in?"
The door itself slowly swung open and a voice said happily, "Come on in, kid. You got some nerve to drop in on my neck of the woods. I hardly have any visitors these days, so don't be shy. I don't bite."
James asked as he walked in, "Are you Dana?"
The voice answered, "I am he. In case you're wondering where the hell am I, I'm by the hearth in the living room. I like to watch the flames dance on the wood at this time of night."
James noticed the place was like a Mexican-style house from the inside. Almost everything from the front door entrance to the living room was decorated with Ancient Mexican furnishings. However, the living room itself was like a study in the Middle Ages. Facing the fireplace were two chairs, one of which was occupied. James assumed the occupant of the left chair was Dana, so he stood close to the chair and said, "You have the right to-"
"Don't play Smokie with me, kid," Dana said annoyed. "I've been running from the law for a long time, but it's not your law I'm still running from. I obey the law of mortals just the way my equal taught me. The law I'm running from is the Law of Vampires, written by my grandsire."
James snapped, "I'm not a kid. I'm twenty-three years old, not eight. Just where are you from? Egypt?"
Dana chuckled darkly and said, "Not exactly, but I've been there. I got cousins there who love me, even if they know I'm older than I look. They know my real age, but they still love me regardless of what I really am." He sighed as he stood up from his chair. Turning around to face James, Dana's luminous eyes looked sky blue as they clashed with his black clothes. His hair was a dirty brown and messy like he just got out of bed when he sat on the chair. His lips were close to a lifeless faint pink and in a straight line as he kept eye contact with his guest. Dana's clothes made him look like he was in his late twenties, but James assumed Dana was older than that. "Not everything about me is true, amigo. I look like I'm in my late-twenties, but I'm actually 826 years old. My physical age is none of your concern, and neither is my life's story. I don't have the time for such matter. For now, I must leave for the hunt. You can house-sit for me if you like this place. I'll be back in two hours tops. If I'm back before then, I'll be home three hours after dawn. See ya." He went to the door, but stopped after his right hand grasped the doorknob. He turned his head to James. "Yes? You want something from me?"
James asked nervously, "If you're a vampire, then how can you be around during the day?"
Dana gave in to his satanic laughter. Grinning wickedly, he answered, "I'm the only one of my kind that can be out and about during the daylight hours as well as the night time." He turned the knob and stepped out the door. "Now I must make haste. I think I can beat my equal to a nest of rapists. She and I just love to race each other during the hunt. Loser has to feed off rats for the rest of the night. This time, I'm not going to take it easy on her. See ya later, amigo." It was after this when Dana closed the door and went about his private affair with his "equal," whoever she was.
James decided to wait for Dana to show up. He gave himself away by telling me his actual age, James thought. Then he tells me he can go out in the daylight?! What kind of a vampire is he? A psychopathic vampire or something? He sounds a little crazy.
That's because I
am crazy, Smokie boy, Dana's voice said in James' brain. I haven't done a sane thing in eight centuries, but at least I don't look crazy. I can do anything crazy and walk away without a scratch.
Turning around, James saw Dana accompanied with a young woman. She looked like she was in her early-twenties with a perfectly round face and presumably molded bosom. Her eyes were dark emerald, almost like they were balls of moss packed in her moonlight pale skull. The clothes on her matched her eyes, making them look almost black as Dana's clothes. James asked, "Who's your friend, Dana?"
Dana smiled and rather shyly answered, "This is Diana, my companion and equal. She's my latest child and only surviving one. I'm proud enough to have her, but ashamed of the wroungs I've done to her in the past two decades."
Last edited by Redfang18 on Mon May 09, 2011 2:11 am, edited 9 times in total.
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables




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First, is this supposed to be a whole chapter or only part of one? It is very short for a whole chapter.

As far as James was concerned, this was like the adventure he had when he was six.


This starts off boring and rather dry.

Already he was willing to risk life and limb for this job, not that it was life-threatening. Whatever he must do, he does it without excuse.


This makes no sense! He is ready to risk his life, yet, there is no risk to his life? What?
What is he doing?

The sky was too dark for James to handle.

What?

He saw a lonesome man sitting on a bench, seemingly harmless. The man's face was circular and moonlight pale, his cheeks flushed from any trace of color. His eyes were a luminious blue, his hair dark as the clothes on him. He stared at James for at least three minutes, then stood up. He was a head taller than James, even though he wore no shoes to protect his feet from the mud ten inches ahead of him. He held a calm expression for the moment, but left James without warning.
James chased the stranger until they were in a dark alley. James said loudly, "There's no use running away, mister. You're cornered and got nowhere to hide."


This lacks relevant description while over describing unnecessary information.
For example: What are the surroundings? I got a bench and an alley. What about buildings, city, other people around? What is the setting?
Why do we need to know the stranger is barefoot? Why does the mud matter?
You say, "his hair dark as the clothes on him", let us ignore the improper grammar for the moment and let me point out the description problem, what if he is wearing white, or purple, or lime green, or red, or...you get the picture? More description needed!

"That's where you're wrong, kid. I got everywhere to hide. There's only one thing I can do to get out of this, and you can't stop me from making my getaway. So long, sucker! Dana the Lonely Heart is now splitting the scene!" The stranger jumped and - to James' surprise- flew off into the night, laughing his metallic and satanic laughter.
This made no sense to James, but nonetheless he attempted to follow this Dana person and get some answers out of him.

Is this supposed to imply that 'Dana' can only escape in one way or is it supposed read 'Dana' has a way to escape? As it is now it makes it sound like 'Dana' is running out of options and has to fly away.
Also you failed to describe any kind of age frame so 'Dana' calling 'James', 'kid' seems a little confusing.

With a little tweaking this could be a very interesting story beginning. I would like to know more about 'Dana' and his funny colored hair.
~FW~
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~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!




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As you wish. This is just a working progress, so don't judge the novel itself too soon.
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables




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Well, this is intersting. You've left the readers something to look forward to and find out in the next chapter, which is the point, I think in the first few chapters until you've drawn the readers into the story.
Also, I think that you should hint that the man is who James was looking for or something like that, instead of having James jump out of the blue and say that he now has nowhere else to hide. It's a bit confusing and sudden.
Also, you should refrain from dumping all the information to the reader in one quick paragraph. Like this:
Redfang18 wrote:He saw a lonesome man sitting on a bench, seemingly harmless. The man's face was circular and moonlight pale, his cheeks flushed from any trace of color. His eyes were a luminious blue, his hair dark as the clothes on him. James assumed the stranger's hair was either dirty brown or jet black, but the clothes were unmistakably black since the distant lamplight made the color clear. The stranger stared at James for at least three minutes, then stood up. He was a head taller than James. He held a calm expression for the moment, but left James without warning.

I don't think that we need to know everything about him right now. Maybe later on, if he appears again. But not right now in one quick paragraph. Think to yourself whether it's important or not. If not, then you should leave it out until later on.
And lastly, I agree with freewritersavvy about how this could turn interesting if you tweak it a little, draw the reader in. Don't tell them everything and leave some, but not all, details out. :)




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As you wish. I'll fix it up to keep everyone interested in the novel. It's a working progress, but I'll take advice from others.
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables




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This was so interesting. I am curious as to where this will go. That's all i can say because I really didn't see anything wrong with it. I hope you write more because I so want to read some more :)
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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This was so interesting. I am curious as to where this will go. That's all i can say because I really didn't see anything wrong with it. I hope you write more because I so want to read some more :)
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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This was so interesting. I am curious as to where this will go. That's all i can say because I really didn't see anything wrong with it. I hope you write more because I so want to read some more :)
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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eh, the beginning was somewhat dry and boring. Didn't capture me the way a vampire story should. But overall, good job (: It was kind-of short for a chapter of a book, but I'm ready to read more if your willing to write.




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Hell, Gheala here! I'm sorry if you find me a harsh reviewer, but it's for good causes!
-----------------------------

As far as James was concerned, he was willing to risk life and limb for this job. Whatever he must do, he does it without excuse. He had every reason to decline this offer, but his boss refused to let him turn down this chance-of-a-lifetime offer. All he wanted was a good night's rest, nothing more. Although he liked to walk the streets of Calmsville, he hated doing it at eleven at night.

Honestly, I don't that opening is good for the first chapter. It didn't interest me. Even though I could see that you write very well and your writing style is nice, I didn't like those lines. I felt as though it's a chapter in the middle of the book, not an intriguing introduction to a novel.

The city was rumored to be full of theives

"Thieves" instead of "theives".

The man's face was circular and moonlight pale, his cheeks flushed from any trace of color. His eyes were a luminious blue, but from where James was standing they look grey.

-"Luminous" instead of "luminious".
-"looked" instead of "look". Past tense all the way! ;)

He stared at James for at least three minutes, then stood up. He was a head taller than James. He held a calm expression for the moment, but left James without warning.

James chased the stranger until they were in a dark alley. James said loudly, "There's no use running away, mister. You're cornered and got nowhere to hide."

No, look. That sounded a little dull. I wanted to her James' breaths while he chased the man, his heart that beat rapidly. I wanted to see his eyes concentrated on the man while he followed him. I needed more details. Think about it.
The stranger suddenly laughed satanically and said, "That's where you're wrong, kid. I got everywhere to hide. There's only one thing I can do to get out of this, and you can't stop me from making my getaway. So long, sucker! Dana the Lonely Heart is now splitting the scene!" The stranger jumped and - to James' surprise- flew off into the night, laughing his metallic and satanic laughter.

Alright, this seriously confused me. I don't know anything about Dana. Remember, this is the first chapter and I want to know about what I'm reading, but the conversation and the movements make it seem as though I'm reading the second chapter, or the end of the first chapter.

He yelled, "Come out and fight like a man! ...

New paragraph here. Always start a new paragraph when there is a new quotation.

Regarless of this, he followed the singing to a small cottage on the outskirts of Calmsville.
.
"Regardless" instead of "Regarless".


The door itself slowly swung open and a voice said happily

I don't think there was a need of "itself" here. "The door slowly..." would be better.
Also, how was it opened slowly and was swung open? Swung is a fast movement, but slowly is slow.
---------------------------------
Alright, overall!
You need to proofread. You have many spelling mistakes and they need to be fixed. Also, try to practice more on making your paragraphs shorter.
Long paragraphs distracts the reader, not to mention that you need new paragraphs when you have a new quotation. The reader might seriously be dizzy from all the long lines and paragraphs there and readers don't like that.
I also think that you rushed the chapter. It was so very rushed, with so many details crammed inside it. It was crowded and I ended up not knowing what I was reading about. Vampires, the law, Dana. Honestly, it confused me.
I'm not saying you should re-plot. No! I'm only saying you should take it easy and slow down a little. Novels are more about literature than about the details of the story. Always remember that. So, break down the events and scatter them along the chapters to come.

That was all! Good luck and good job!
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




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Hello hey hi!

He had every reason to decline this offer, but his boss refused to let him turn down this chance-of-a-lifetime offer.

Got the same word twice in one sentence there.

What exactly is this job that James is supposed to be going about? As far as I can tell, we aren't told and so I'm not really sure what he has to do with Dana at all. He just sort of seems to be following Dana around because Dana called him a "kid".

Which, by the way, bothered me a little. While I can understand that James might be insulted that Dana called him a child, his behavior in retaliation did seem really childish. I mean, so the guy called you a name. So what? Shrug it off. Instead, he goes chasing after him like two kids on the playground calling each other meanie heads. It just doesn't seem like the course of action a mature adult on an assigned job would take.

When is this story supposed to be taking place? I was sort of thinking it was a period piece in the beginning, just 'cuz I was imagining smoggy London, I guess, but then James starts to recite the Miranda Rights, which didn't exist until the 60's in the U.S. A little more setting would be nice. James notices the interior of Dana's house, but that doesn't tell us much about the outside. Anyone can decorate with a particular theme anywhere. Knowing just where and when we are would help ground the reader and let them know exactly what they are dealing with.

"Not everything about me is true, amigo. I look like I'm in my late-twenties, but I'm actually 826 years old. My physical age is none of your concern, and neither is my life's story. I don't have the time for such matter. For now, I must leave for the hunt. You can house-sit for me if you like this place. I'll be back in two hours tops. If I'm back before then, I'll be home three hours after dawn. See ya."

Wait, wha? I am a little confused. First Dana is all like "dude, I'm 826 years old!" and then he's like "not going to tell you anything about my self, nuh-uh, nothing" and then he's all like "ciao! gonna go do vampire stuff, watch my pad, kthxbai". Why does he trust James to keep an eye on his house? How does he know James isn't going to, like, bring back a posse of vampire hunters or something? Why is he even bothering to let James into his house or tell him any of this stuff? I am so confused as to what their relationship is supposed to be. Antagonistic? Reluctantly respectful? *so confuzzled*

He went to the door, but stopped after his right hand grasped the doorknob. He turned his head to James. "Yes? You want something from me?"

How does he know James wants something? James didn't say anything and there was no indication that James made any sort of movement. Is he just psychic like that? Judging by how Dana totally talks in James' head later, I'm guessing yes, but some sort of indication that he knew this without James saying anything would show that a bit more clearly, rather than just having it look like you forgot part of their conversation.

James decided to wait for Dana to show up.

This is all the indication we are given that he waited. How long did he wait for? Because of the way Dana's return comes right after that, it seems like he was waiting for all of five seconds. What did he do while Dana was gone? Did he snoop at all? Why did he decide to wait? Why does he care about Dana in the first place?

with a perfectly round face

So, she looks like a smiley? ;) People don't have round faces. They can have rounded faces, but not round, circular faces.



"This is Diana, my companion and equal. She's my latest child and only surviving one. I'm proud enough to have her, but ashamed of the wroungs I've done to her in the past two decades."

Again with the just random information-giving on Dana's part. Why is he telling James this? Why does he care about telling James anything? What does he hope to gain from any of it? Also, "Diana" and "Dana" are incredibly similar names. Not that there aren't people out there that know other people with similar names, but in a story, a reader can be very easily tripped up by similar-looking names. Perhaps consider changing one or the other to something less eye-tripping?

Slow down a little. Give the characters time to get to know each other before they go talking about deep histories with each other or trusting each other or anything like that. I mean, these two characters have interacted for all of five minutes and then Dana is totally leaving James in his house, then telling him all this stuff about Diana and James seems perfectly fine with these revelations about vampires and Dana being one and all this. What exactly are you shooting for here? Take the time to develop these relationships and your characters will be that much stronger for it.

Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



Poetry is my cheap means of transportation. By the end of the poem the reader should be in a different place from where he started. I would like him to be slightly disoriented at the end, like I drove him outside of town at night and dropped him off in a cornfield.
— Billy Collins