Runaway - Chapter One

Chapter One - The Girl

Steam pumped out of the train's chimney, coating the surrounding area with thick smoke and heat. The windows fogged up against her hand; the glass was frigid to the touch, almost unbearably so. Snow melted away even as she looked down at the sill; soon there was nothing left but a certain wetness. She licked her lips. It had been five hours since she'd left. Would they try to track her down?

Her heart pounded insistently against her chest. Her left hand went up to touch the place over it; it was beating so fast, she didn't know whether it would ever be capable of slowing down again. She sighed, trying to calm down. She was far, far away. Even though she had only five riels left, they wouldn't be able to find her now. She hoped.

Thunk.

The small haircomb dropped from her grasp, reminding her how alone she was as it made a silent echo reverberate through the empty space. She picked it up and dusted it on her skirt; the sound made her feel lonely, and not for the first time since the last five hours.

Papa...

The conductor stopped near the doors, carrying a bright grin. Too bright, she thought. He took one look at the ticket clenched in her hand, nodded and moved on. These people. She thought, looking out the window. Don't know what it's like to be hunted...

Hunted. She looked down at her her hands; they were sweaty. How long will I be hunted? How desperate will they be to find me? There was a distant shout, and a few moments later, the train began to move...and she looked up as the train left the station in a slow, stable blur.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. Her watch said it was after one o' clock. She considered the frame; it was rusted, with dark brown chips where it used to be gold once upon a time. She ran her finger over the glass; minuscule scratches marred the transparent surface, and she frowned as she felt a jagged one catch at her soft finger. She looked down at it. It wasn't there yesterday.

Click.

The train was pulling through a tunnel; even as she looked up, the darkness had taken over the compartment, stopping her from seeing what made the odd sound. Then she felt the circular, smooth metal press into the side of her head.

She froze with shock. The train emerged from the tunnel; and she could finally see what it was.

"Give me all your money, sweetheart."

Even her throat had collapsed; it refused to make any sound related to what she was about to say just now. She had forgotten; it was apparently something rather witty, but this wasn't the time for witticisms. The man gnashed his brick-yellow teeth together and muttered something harshly, something she wasn't sure.

"What? Are you so eager to die?"

She tried to shake her head, but the gun that was pushing forcefully into the side of her face was making her unable to. She started to pray. Father Vanar, I may have done many wrongs to you, but please, please...

"Have it your way then." There was a tug on the trigger; and she didn't know what suddenly made her get up, as if on autopilot; and then, the shot went off.

Red liquid seeped onto the floor, thick, familiar, crimson-colored liquid. A body thudded onto the floor heavily; a Rune glowing on the back for a moment before fading into non-existence.

And she stood there, the blank shock on her face fading into a calm awareness.

Before.

The ink imprinted itself on yellowed parchment as quill stroked surface, leaving jagged and awkward words standing within half-formed sentences. Her hand moved in a hurry; she didn't have time to be elegant or courteous. In truth, she shouldn't have even started writing this letter. But for some reason, she couldn't help feeling guilty about leaving without a word; explaining, at least, why exactly she was doing what she was.

Running away.

A wilted daffodil fell into her range of vision as she looked up, wondering what to write next. She stared at it, a sort of nostalgic curiosity making her hand shake, just slightly. Ariana, my little daffodil. My little flower. She took a deep breath, trying not to think about Papa's death anymore than she had to. She looked down at the parchment. And the quill slipped from her fingers.

Long shadows covered the stone walkway lined with overgrown grass; her slippers clattered hard on the surface with every footstep, sending wave after wave of...something, coursing through her limbs. Was it fear, perhaps; excitement? Or was it...

The Gate stood ominous, greater than life before her; a seemingly solid, impenetrable line of defense between the Academy and reality itself. It wasn't the pale-blue shade It shared with the Academy's inner walls that bothered her, or the swirling caricatures of humans and fairies that the iron bars depicted; it was the enormity of It. A tall human figure stood near the small door set into It, jangling a set of keys from his hand.

"Amani."

"Lawrence."

They inclined their heads to each other officiously; on principle, she knew that he hated her with an intensity unequaled by her hunters. Not that she blamed him; she knew he was glad he could get his family out from under her authority. He stepped aside, smiling in a half-ironic manner.

"I hope the debt is paid with this, Lawrence. You promised me that much."

"I don't break a promise, Amani. You have paid enough with your...services." There was a hint of distaste in her voice. "See you around...or not."

She stepped through the door, ignoring the glare he directed at her. The iron gate slammed behind her with a resounding clang, and a mixture of loneliness, fear and excitement assaulted her; she stopped, almost hesitant. It was at that moment that Cadoan Amani called out at her.

"Don't get caught, Lawrence. I don't want to have to fish you out of trouble again."

She looked back; but he was already walking away, whistling lightly as if this was an everyday thing for him. She looked down at her dress; the edges of her skirt were already showing signs of wear. A bitter smile lifted the edges of her mouth as she looked ahead on the road before her.

This was going to be a long walk.


After.

The blood started to fade away; even as she dipped her finger in the thick red substance, it melted away into thin air. So was the body, she noticed, disappearing. That was what the Rune must have stood for, she thought almost nonchalantly: 'disappearance'. She wondered what had disappeared to make him fall over like that. Maybe his heart had disappeared at first. Maybe it was his brain. Maybe it was simply his life.

The train started to slow down; she felt the jerk of the change in speed; it was too sudden. She looked out; the scenery had change from green plains to towering highlands peppered with hills and mountains. She had to get off. She had to get off, before something else happened.

The clock's tick suddenly seemed a little slower to her eyes.

Hello there!
This is most likely just going to turn into a "fluff review," but oh well! You deserve it!

Or in other words I loved this! While I was reading it I could visualize everything and got toally sucked into the story, it was amazing! I could see the characters and feel their emotions so you've done a marvelous job with this story so far!

I apologize for not having any helpful critisims or suggestions, so just keep writing!

Could you also lemme know when the next chapter is up?
Thanks!

Here goes nothing.

Repitition?
Repitition is something you always have to beware of, in any form of it. All though this you have used repeated punctuation, which even though it is easier to ignore than a repeated word, it doesn't go unnoticed. Mainly I refer to the ';' and ':' which, if you read through and tap yourself on the nose each time you encounter one, you will realise just how many there are, and what it's like for your reader.

It's a cool little piece of punctuation, but unless it's a comma or full stop, you shouldn't use it so much.

Careful with the '...' too.


Fear curled:
I like this personification of fear being an entity, but I think you carry it too far when describing it as a small animal inside her. That brings about too much imagery, and reminds me a little of the movie aliens. Unless you want your reader to imagine some kind of small animal curling up on top of her intestines, keep it simple.

Big words:
Again on the subject of repitition, the bigger the word, the more noticable it is when it is repeated. Compartment (third and fourth paragraph down) is a three syllable word, so when you say it twice in consequetive paragraphs, it sticks out.
There is also a minor repitition of the word 'head' just after the guy speaks for the second time.

Disabling?
This word seems strange. To disable something tends to indicate a more permenant state, it's not the kind of word you would use when simply going through a tunnel.
On the same subject, imagine actually 'tugging' on a trigger. It's an action that implies an amount of effort, rather than simply 'pressing,' which would be a better word.

Commas:
They can be used for effect, but not in excess. There are times here when it seems you've used them to slow the pace, but all they've done is put hiccups in the sentence. When in doubt, if the sentence still makes sense without it then you don't need to put it in there.

And then something happened.
Basic grammar 101 - 'and' is a connecting word, it connects to clauses together. You can't start a sentence with 'and.' It just doesn't make sense. However, you can get away with finishing a clause with '-' so then-
-it would go like this. Only do this though if there is a reason for the old line and the new line to be joined together.

Ariana:
As a character, she is kind of interesting, but I think you've been too comfortable with her considering this is a first chapter. Rememeber you need to give your reader a sense of her identity before going into how quickly it can change. The first impressions of her should be of the most dominant parts of her personality- for example, if she is timid or loud, gentle or careless.
This is one of the dangers about starting your story in a crisis, you still need to find a way to establish what is normal for your character. Mainly, is she a frightened runaway, or is she a killer. By nature, she can't be both.

Positives:
I know I've been really critical here, but this is a great piece none the less. As an opening chapter it definately caught my attention and I would like to read more.
I also liked the switching of the time frame, you've put it together really well, and it does a lot for the piece.

Nice work!

{Edit: My apologies for getting her Ariana's name wrong the first time round.}

Thanks Ten! Your review was mui appreciated. xD

Hey there Celtica!

I'm Tanya, and I'm one of the judges in the First Chapter contest you've entered. Thanks for your participation, by the way!

Steam pumped out of the train's chimney, coating the surrounding area with thick smoke and heat. The windows fogged up against her hand; the glass was frigid to the touch, almost unbearably so

I was so happy to read this first paragraph and see how detailed you are with your descriptions. It was so beautiful, so vivid!

Even though she had only five riels left, they wouldn't be able to find her now. She hoped.

Thunk.

The small haircomb dropped from her grasp, reminding her how alone she was as it made a silent echo reverberate through the empty space

At first, I thought that she heard the thunk and subsequently dropped the haircomb. But as I read further, I came to understand that the thunk was the noise the comb made as it fell. Am I wrong? I'm pretty sure that such a light object would not make a 'thunk', a sound we've come to associate to heavier noises. And, also, I've never been on a train, but I was always under the impression that the floors were carpeted. So, really, if they are, the comb wouldn't have made much noise at all.

The conductor stopped near the doors, carrying a bright grin. Too bright, she thought.

The way she formulates this thought, I was under the impression that he was a creepy old dude preying on her. But I don't believe so. Maybe she thinks it's too bright because she is mourning her father and she feels the whole world should be mourning also? Maybe that should be implied, because right now, I'm only under the impression that she's started a thought but hasn't finished it.

These people. She thought, looking out the window. Don't know what it's like to be hunted...

I read Tenyo's review, and I understand about being careful with punctuation, but you can use commas, they are good to you if you treat them right. This sentence should read: These people, she thought, looking out the window, don't know what it's like to be hunted . ..
Your own sentence sounded choppy because you put a period after 'these people' but then continue her thought later on.

The train was pulling through a tunnel; even as she looked up, the darkness had taken over the compartment, stopping her from seeing what made the odd sound. Then she felt the circular, smooth metal press into the side of her head.

Although I love your detailing and imagery, I also find them lacking in certain instances. I am not a huge fan of detailed descriptions. If a character walks into a house, I don't want him describing it to me unless it's important to the story. I just want the basics so I can find my way around.
That being said, I was under the impression that your MC was in a compartment. Don't ask me why, I just did. So, I was shocked when she suddenly had a barrel pressed against her head and that it came as a shock to her, because wouldn't she have heard the door sliding open? I reread and realised you make no mention whatsoever of where she is situated.
This needs to be adressed. It's quite easy. Mention passerbys. Maybe they are staring at her, maybe they are curious. Maybe she feels ignored, and maybe she's quite fine with that. Just adding a little more detail to show her surroundings will definitely help improve your story, although it's already quite good

She tried to shake her head, but the gun that was pushing forcefully into the side of her face was making her unable to. She started to pray

There was a tug on the trigger; and she didn't know what suddenly made her get up, as if on autopilot; and then, the shot went off.

And she stood there, the blank shock on her face fading into a calm awareness

I've reread this several times and I still don't understand what happened. At first, she says that the barrel is pressed so hard that she can't move.
Then, suddenly, she gets up without a problem, a shot goes off and a body falls to the floor and she's quite calm about it.

Maybe you meant for some mystery, which is great, but this reader isn't feeling the tension of a good mystery, she's utterly confused. How could the man have missed his shot, when his gun was inches from your MC? I understand that she probably has some kind of ability, but this isn't the way to show it, it really makes no sense, the way it's explained, shown.

It was at that moment that Cadoan Amani called out at her.

"Don't get caught, Lawrence. I don't want to have to fish you out of trouble again

Um, what? Isn't she Amani? She called out to herself, but she called out to Lawrence? Is it something important to the story that I will understand later on?

She looked down at her dress; the edges of her skirt were already showing signs of wear.

Just be careful not to fall in the trap of more telling that showing. I would like to know what she considers signs of wear. How long is her skirt? Is it dragging, which is why it's wearing? These little details are good to help your reader really get into the story.

The clock's tick suddenly seemed a little slower to her eyes.

In a way, I like this last sentence. It was a good way to show your MC's in a hurry, on the run. It was when I reread that it bothered me, because she makes no mention of looking at a clock. She does, of course, before the man dies, but not right now. So that last sentence doesn't work, unless you mention her looking at the time again, maybe to confirm they are on time, right on schedule.

Ok Celtica, done with this review! Wow! I said a lot more than I intended to. But you can't let it get to you, I actually truly enjoyed this.

The detailing you do put in is subtle, but enough to get right into the story. Working on the other points I mentioned will keep your reader immersed. I'm intrigued about the before and after, who this Amani is to 'her people and her hunters'. I want to know more about the Ruins and why she's being hunted.

Tanya

Thanks Tanya. I'll keep all that in mind!