Devil Swan

I hope it's alright. It's a different sort of style I'm used to writing and I'd love to have all the help I can get to improve it

Stareing into your eyes,
What beauty in their size.
The way that they entice,
Once trapped, you play the price

Innocent yet casual,
The next intreguing man you'll
Make him glance to fall
Till your mercy he'll implore

You'e a ruthless devil swan
From which no man can run,
Only fight untill they burn
Till their lives become upturned

yet you have an evil twin
Whome you hate beneath the skin
You both battle in order to win
The release of your pitful sin

And so it bounces between the two
The sin only one man can undo
Yet, but he never comes through
And has been forever watching you

He's seen you do your wicked deeds
Watched each helpless man just plead
For their souls to be freed
Oh, how they looked so vunerable, in need

Some day he'll disappear
Oh, your freedom had been so near
All he'd lived in was fear
Of his death wich had seemed so clear

And so he watches you from affar
A once beautiful twin star
Hidden behind a bar
Concealed for evermore

Hi!

This was an interesting piece to read; did you base it off of Black Swan, by any chance? Love that movie. Anyway, you seem to have pretty solid ideas here and you know how to tell a story. This is good for a first attempt, and I salute you for taking the courage and going outside of your comfort zone - something that I really need to do.

That being said, this poem was really hard to follow, and I had to read it through multiple times to try and understand fully what you were saying here. One of the big things that contributes to this is your rhyme scheme -- it's inconsistent, and it really jumbles things around. You may find it easier to be more expressive and rich in detail if you write in free verse, but if you want to challenge yourself by making it rhyme, that's fine, just make sure you have a consistent idea of how you want it to rhyme. Would it be ABAB (every other line rhymed) AABB (every lined rhymed) or something like a sonnet where you have ABAB for the first four stanzas and then AA for the last?

Once you've decided what you want to do, I would focus on the basic image that you want to portray. Is the idea of a swan literal, or a metaphor? I also wasn't quite sure if the twin-thing was based in two sides of one person or in two people. If it is the former, how does each persona balance itself out?

I don't really have much more to say -- when revising, I suggest that you take a look at this board. There are a lot of helpful tips/articles on how to write poetry and really make it polish and shine.

Please keep writing, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions. ^^

~ Elinor

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT
i can sense the flow. i can't see there is a need to fix anything.!
Keep up and update us with more!

Thanx guys. I just came up with it when i was out on a holiday. It's not based on the movie at all, though I have seen it too...found it very disturbing haha. I guess i made it about two twins that are cursed and the only thing to break the spell is one man...one they can't find. He's seen what they've done whilst trying to find him and what has become of the other men, so he's steering clear of them both. I do agree it is a very random poem, one of many random ones. I'll see if i can improve on it thanx again guys