My Messiah

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
They say that he will come again,
He'll save the Earth from all it's sin,
And he will love and care for all,
Always there for those who call.

Helping with burdens, light for one
Who, having done what he has done,
Carries scars and cuts from times
Of ancient people, runes, and rhymes.

You left, too, leaving me
To make my way alone, blindly.
But you'll come back, be there again,
And just like Him you'll be my friend.
Last edited by Sassykat on Sun Apr 24, 2011 1:02 am, edited 2 times in total.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6338
Reviews 140
Hello! I'm Jojo and i shall be you reveiwer today!
Grammar is in red.
Structure is in blue.
Epic wins are in bold.

Sassykat wrote:They say he will come again,
And save the Earth from all it's sin,
And he will love and care for all,
Always there for those who call.

Carrying burdens, light for one
Who, having done what he has done,
Carries scars and cuts from times
Of ancient people, runes, and rhymes.

You are what I just described,
I only wish you were alive
Like Him, then you would be,
Be the one who set me free.


Only edits..
They (that) say he will come again,
*And save the Earth from all it's sin,
*And he will love and care for all,

Always there for those who call.

Lovely part, but maybe you don't need to start two of the five lines with "And"?

You are what I just described,
I only wish you were alive
Like Him, then you would be,
*Be the one who set me free. The one who set this human free

* Repeating "be' over again ruins the flow. Maybe you could try my suggestion to avoid this and make it a little more sentimental.

Overall:
I am serious about this. I love this poem, love the story behind it. Love it all.
and no, I am not partial to it because I am Christ-believer. Even without the spiritual element that it obviously has, it's a truly beautiful piece. With only a few minor issues, too!
And that is rare and refreshing.
Something hopeful and positive for once.

REALLY nice!
Keep writing!
--------------------------
-Jojo
Solvalery/GeeLyria Fans
Link




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
I changed the entire third stanza, don't be confused by jo's post!
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.



The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451