Deceitful Intent Chapter 1

TAKING THIS DOWN, IF ANYONE WANTS TO READ MY WORK, IT'S ON WATTPAD

I read it. Very well done, Grandison- everything flowed together, but I'm still a little confused.

While these two characters are step-siblings, they like to flirt with each other (which is creepy because I know several kids with step-siblings who aren't this way). Also, she considers him sexy, even though they've been siblings for years. It's just hard for me to understand characters I can't identify with, and there were a few nonchalant racial remarks that sort of caught me off guard. "Peculiar white maid" haha- that's my kind of humor, but not everyone understands this in the same light that I do.

Despite the flirtatious siblings and the "peculiar white maid" remark, though, I totally enjoyed this segment and the rumor-starting naughtiness of the characters. I hope you add to this soon, because their odd behavior and your way of describing them really intrigues me.

Another praise!- I loved the "local color" technique you used throughout the whole thing. "Local color" is when the characters are so well-depicted that their words and actions become authentic to the reader. I can almost tell where they're from because of what they say and do.

Furthermore, I think you have a gift for describing people, because this is genius:

I looked at Evan’s face and studied him. He looked as if he were going to die of tedium. I wasn’t surprised of his opinion of Stacy Williams, one of his many conquests. After Evan was done with a girl his opinion of her was shot to hell. Girls were missions to him: Get. Screw. Ditch. Complete. In other words, if Evan couldn’t screw her, manipulate her or use her any other way, then the girl was useless to him. It wasn’t a wonder why so many girls fell for his lies and charm. Evan Cartier was a very attractive black seventeen-year-old boy. His smooth and sexy chocolate skin was so appealing. His nice luscious lips were often saying sweet and seductive things to his marks. And to make things even sexier about him, Evan liked to dress nice. No saggy, baggy, oversized jeans and t-shirts for him, he often wore crisp suits, sweaters, sweater vests, anything to make him look professional he wore. Evan was also well put together as he worked out everyday at five. It didn’t hurt that he had a face to fight over. Many girls did actually fight over him. To me, he was just Evan, my stepbrother.

The above paragraph imprinted Evan Cartier into my mind forever. What you should do is describe the MC with just as much flavor, because I want to understand and picture Vivian just as well as Evan.

Thank you for your review.

I hope the "peculiar white maid" didn't offend anyone, I was just saying that Alice was strange. Perhaps I should leave out the "white" part?

As far as the flirting, I've heard that it was strange before. I'll try to put somewhere in the story about this came about.

And I'm glad you liked Evan's description, I recently rewrote all that.

This story takes place in two points of views, so we'll get more of Vivian next.

Awe I'm your first review thanx =) and yea this story is pretty out there with the ruthlessness of my two MCs. As far as the flirting goes....haha, I keep getting that. All I can say is wait and see and chapter two is up

Hey Grandison!

So, this is an interesting story you got here. Me, I'm not sure I like the flirting between step-siblings, whihc is kinds creepy, but that's what gives this an unusual twist, so I hope it plays well in the next chapters, which I shall get to in a while.
Little nitpicks:

“Still bored?” Evan Cartier, also known as my better half, turned to me

When you say 'also known as my better half' it sounds awkward. Try rephrasing there.

. “How long do you think before Kurt, our resident dumb basketball star, figures out his ...

So here, you're trying to introduce us to Kurt. But if he's going to play a major role in this story, you'll need a better introduction. Saying he's a basketball star in dialogue seems unnatural and forced because obviously they know him. If you want to introduce him, let them talk about him some more, and discuss him.

To me, he was just Evan, my stepbrother.

See, if she has feelings for him, she shouldn't be saying this. You need to show their relationship gradually.

“Why am I not surprised to find you two at the center of the chaos?”

Question mark here!

So, yeah nice start. Let me head over to the other chapters.

~Lava

@Lava I keep getting the whole 'flirting thing is weird,' don't worry that's not a major part of the story, it's not like they're trying to date one another or anything, it's just that they're aware that they're each attractive and are not afraid to voice it. They're not blood related, so I'm not seeing how it's sooo creepy or whatever, I'm guessing it's the fact that they've known each other for so long.

I'm calling Evan her better half because they're both so equal in that they're so wicked and into ruining people's lives. Apart they're only as good as each other, but together, they're perfect.

Kurt isn't a main character, but I guess I could take out the whole basketball comment. And like I said Vivian doesn't really have feelings for Evan all like that, so to her, he is just her stepbrother Evan. And thanks for the grammar help!

I hope you read more and like it as well.

Grandison

also known as my better half

If Evan Cartier is Vivian's better half then I hope to hell I never cross paths with Vivian. A force to be reckoned with would be an apt description.

I shrugged as I looked on. “Don’t know, don’t care.” That’s what we did for fun these days; start rumors just to sit and watch the destruction. Alienating people had been fun in the beginning, but now neither one of us wanted to admit it, but it was getting old, quickly.

I looked at Evan’s face and studied him. He looked as if he were going to die of tedium. I wasn’t surprised of his opinion of Stacy Williams, one of his many conquests. After Evan was done with a girl his opinion of her was shot to hell. Girls were missions to him: Get. Screw. Ditch. Complete. In other words, if Evan couldn’t screw her, manipulate her or use her any other way, then the girl was useless to him. It wasn’t a wonder why so many girls fell for his lies and charm. Evan Cartier was a very attractive black seventeen-year-old boy. His smooth and sexy chocolate skin was so appealing. His nice luscious lips were often saying sweet and seductive things to his marks. And to make things even sexier about him, Evan liked to dress nice. No saggy, baggy, oversized jeans and t-shirts for him, he often wore crisp suits, sweaters, sweater vests, anything to make him look professional he wore. Evan was also well put together as he worked out everyday at five. It didn’t hurt that he had a face to fight over. Many girls did actually fight over him. To me, he was just Evan, my stepbrother.

A description of Vivian would be nice, maybe how her look compare to her stepbrother's.

minus four kids and the peculiar white maid.

I've never watched the Brady Bunch but I don't think 'peculiar white maid' is offensive. It's an honest opinion.

Friendly flirting between step-siblings could be accepted but serious flirting would creep most out. You should make this clear..

Hope this helps :]

~ Vari