Coming Home CH 1

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First off, I know I write a lot of stores. I just love writing even though I know I'm not that great.... Thanks so much for reading & reviewing my stories. ~Amanda~

So now that I've said that, this story is about a girl (Why are all my characters girls! Next time my main character will be a boy.) Whose mom and dad split up when she was six, now she’s thirteen and needs her mom.

Here it is!

Mom,
I miss you, so does Dad.

"Ug," I ripped the paper off the note pad and crumpled it up. It was thrown on top of the other papers in the already full trash can,

Mom,
I can remember the day you left. I cowered in my room and listened as you and Dad battled in the kitchen. I heard screaming and yelling of all sorts until I heard the sound of flesh hitting flesh. You ran past my door and I slunk down, knowing if you saw I'd been watching, you'd hit me. I watched as you packed your bag. You struggled to zip the suit case, but when you succeeded, you walked past my room again. I hung on your shirt and begged you to stay. You ignored me and didn't say a word. When you got to the door, tears were streaming down both of our faces. You put on your shoes and opened the door. "Good bye." That was the last word you said to me as you pried me off your shirt and pushed me to the side. I stood by the window and watched the car travel for as long as I could see the head lights in the dark. It was a full moon that night. I didn't know where you were going, nor did you.

The next day you called, I heard Dad yelling into the phone. He walked up to me and gave me the white, cordless phone, his face was red and his eyebrows were pushed together with anger. "Here!" He walked away angrily and I pushed the phone to my ear, to afraid to say hello. Your voice broke the science; you announced you weren’t coming home. My eyes welled with tears. You said good bye once more and hung up before I could get one word in.

I cried for hours after that. I kept pressing the redial button, but you'd used a payphone and the call wouldn't go through.

Mom,
I'm 13 now, and I need a mom. About a year ago I was watching my favorite show; I had always thought you would sit beside me and watch it too. All of the sudden a new character walked in the scene. That character was you Mom; you were on my favorite show! I never missed an episode; they were all a chance to see your shining eyes and rosy cheeks on your flawless face. I hope you come back for me someday Mom, I miss you so bad and I want to come with you back to Hollywood. Dad doesn't know I'm writing this letter to you, if he did, he would take the paper and stop me from putting it in the post box.

Miss you much Mom, Please write back,
Your daughter,
~Misty~

I sealed the envelope and signed it with a little flourish. I wrote the return address and made sure to put my name on big and clear so mom would be sure to open it. Then I wrote the address to which the note should be sent with my purple pen.

I stood from my desk and stretched. "Let's go Henery!" I called to the sleeping golden retriever. He leaped up from his spot beside the bed and bolted after me out the door. I put on my tennis shoes and ran outside with Henery following me. We ran along the side walk, my letter to mom in my hand. Henery's fur waved in the wind, he barked loudly with a smile on his face. ''Here we are.'' I pushed the letter though the slot in the post box.

"Misty, What are you doing here?" Dad emerged from the post office looking quite surprised to see me here.

"I was mailing Mom a letter.'' I looked at me feet, knowing Dad would tell me off and go get Charles to unlock the post box and I'd have to dig through all the letters to find Moms.

"I thought you knew better than that Misty, she won't respond, she's famous now and probably doesn't even remember you!"

"You don't know that! I bet she remembers me, I'm her daughter!" I snapped back and glared at Dad. Henery sensed my anger and growled.

"Charles, bring the key!" Dad called inside the post office and walked away.

"Misty, trying to send your Mum a letter again," Charles asked in his English accent. I nodded disappointedly at him. "Don't fret, I'll let you mail it.''

"Really," I asked excitedly as my mouth turned into a smile. He nodded back and went into the building. I raced towards town, running as fast as I could to keep up with Henery who had traveled the route so many times he knew where we were going. ''Sit Henery," I snapped the leash onto his collar before leading him inside the pet store.

"Hey Misty," I turned my head to see Lila at the cash register again.

"Hey," I called back, "Have another bone for Henery?" I asked patting him on the shoulder. He looked up with me, his eyes wide and his tough sticking out.

"Yep," She put the bone on the counter and I walked over to her and slapped my five dollar bill down. She gave me the change and smiled. I pulled the bone down and put it in Henery's mouth, which lay down and began to chew the rawhide. "Have you gotten any new letters from your Mom yet?"

"No, I actually sent my first letter to her today, Dad never let any of my letters get to her before.''

"Huh," She nodded and whipped her hand at me, sending me out the door and on my way. Henery picked up his bone of the ground and trotted after me. I yanked the heavy door open and walked into the warm air. The sun shone down on my head and made my long blonde hair sparkle.

Suddenly the noon bell chimed, that meant all the shops closed for an hour and the workers could go home and get some lunch.

A bicycle bell sounded as David rode by, "Hey Mi!" He called.

"Come on," I said to Henery and we ran after David on his bike. When we reached David's house, I leaned over and put my hands on my knees.

David laughed for a moment and invited me inside, "Sorry Henery, mom doesn't like dogs, you'll have to stay outside.'' I tied Henery to the porch railing and followed David inside.

"Hey David, Misty," David's mom called from the kitchen and handed us each a glass of lemonade. "Are you to ready for summer vacation next week." We nodded and sipped our lemonade.

"WOO!" Henery howled to us. He didn't like being left outside.

David's mom looked irritated, but didn't say a word. I watched her face, waiting for her to say something.

"Ah-Woo," Henery howled again.

"Uh-Ug," David's mom groaned and headed for the living room, "Henery, quiet up!" She called out the window.

"Sorry," I whispered to David, he looked at me and nodded.

"She just gets impatient easily. She likes her house to be perfect with no annoying noises." I looked around the house with all its perfectly painted walls and perfectly mounted pictures. Nothing was out of place and nothing was lying on the ground.

I heard Henery whining outside, "Misty can you go take care of you dog?" She sounded very annoyed and when she appeared in the room her face was full of distress, "GO!" She wasn't afraid to yell at a child which wasn't hers. I got up and ran out of the house to go calm Henery. He wagged his tail happily as I unclipped his leash and stuffed it in my pocket.

I started running home and Henery followed, nipping playfully at my heels every now and then.

"Did you get rid of that letter?" Dad asked as the door swung open. I nodded at him.

"Yep, Charles threw it out." Henery ran in the door towards my room.

"Good," Dad left to a different room. I couldn't forget about Mom, I knew if it'd been dad who'd left, things would be much different and there wouldn't be so many rules. Mom was always so laid back. Man I missed her.
Last edited by MandaPanda1031 on Sat Apr 23, 2011 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello! My name's Christina and I'll be reviewing your story this fine Saturday.

Things to Improve Upon:
-In the second letter that she starts writing to her mom, the longer one, wouldn't her mom already know what happened when she left? Perhaps you could change that part into a narrative from the character to the reader, as I think it might make more sense.

--The first part is a little confusing. Why'd she leave? And she's famous, for what? Maybe a little background information would help me as a reader sort things out.

--In some parts, such as
"Yep," She put the bone on the counter and I walked over to her and slapped my five dollar bill down. She gave me the change and smiled. I pulled the bone down and put it in Henery's mouth, which lay down and began to chew the rawhide. "Have you gotten any new letters from your Mom yet?"
I feel like you might be giving too much detail and not enough explanation of characters or giving enough background info.

--
I heard Henery whining outside, "Misty can you go take care of you dog?" She sounded very annoyed and when she appeared in the room her face was full of distress, "GO!" She wasn't afraid to yell at a child which wasn't hers. I got up and ran out of the house to go calm Henery. He wagged his tail happily as I unclipped his leash and stuffed it in my pocket.
In an instance like that, you wouldn't really need to say that she sounded annoyed, because readers can already gather that through her dialogue.

--Also, there are a few spelling mistakes, so I think if you run it through spell check it'll clear them up.

Things I Liked:
--The plot idea is very interesting, and something I'd want to read if I found it at the library. It has enough drama to be interesting, and I as a reader care about what happens to Misty, which is always a good thing.

Overall, it needs a few things changed, but I liked it just the same. Maybe you could PM me when you've written more? Thanks!

Happy writing. :D
"I’m usually that guy who violently kicks off his shoes at the front door because there’s something about fake wooden kitchen linoleum that appears inviting to the feverish socked footsies." - Adam Young/Owl City




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Hey there, lets get right down to reviewing this
Positives
-I really like your descriptions of certain scenes and people such as:
I cowered in my room and listened as you and Dad battled in the kitchen. I heard screaming and yelling of all sorts until I heard the sound of flesh hitting flesh. You ran past my door and I slunk down, knowing if you saw I'd been watching, you'd hit me. I watched as you packed your bag. You struggled to zip the suit case, but when you succeeded, you walked past my room again. I hung on your shirt and begged you to stay. You ignored me and didn't say a word. When you got to the door, tears were streaming down both of our faces. You put on your shoes and opened the door. "Good bye." That was the last word you said to me as you pried me off your shirt and pushed me to the side. I stood by the window and watched the car travel for as long as I could see the head lights in the dark. It was a full moon that night. I didn't know where you were going, nor did you.

-I like the relationship between Henry and Misty. Even though they can't communicate, Henry can sense what Misty's feeling
I snapped back and glared at Dad. Henery sensed my anger and growled.

-I like how you made Misty friendly to everyone, except her dad. That really emphasizes there's bad blood between the two
Negatives
-Though I like your story, the idea has been used many times before. Girl is upset because one parent leaves, parent who stays still resents the other parent blah blah blah
-A few spelling mistakes, nothing too major
-I would have liked you to expand on a few characters. Is Lila a friend, of just someone Misty knows? And what about Charles?
Overall, it was pretty good, but could use some more elaboration on characters and the idea has been used many a time
In these bodies we live, in these bodies we die. Where we invest our love, we invest our life.-Mumford and Sons



Lily you are my fig father
— Elliebanana