Untitled- Prolouge

Sirens blared. People screamed. Soldiers marched and called out battle crys in the distance. These were the sounds of the world ending and I was very confused. Wasn't the world ending susposed to mean land splitting and Volcanos erupting hot molten lava that would burn you to ashes? Anna-Riley didn't know which she preferred. The most confusing part was I, along with my brother Josiah and two sisters was standing holding each others hands right in the middle of it. We seemed to be rooted to the spot, not being able to speak or move as we watched the shadowy figures of soldiers get closer to the land and people we loved. Of course, there was a Legend to the world ending and it basically ended with everyone dieing and the land being taken over by evil soldiers who were trying to take over the land that minute. Yep, that's right! No matter how many soldiers we brought out to defend the land they would all be destroyed. Happy ending, huh?

Everyone in her family had heard the Legend accept her six year old little sister, Lailia who was turning alittle green as she looked at the soldiers. Poor Lailia. I was even thinking of giving her a hug despite the fact I'd have to reach over Josiah to do it and my only rule was I couldn't touch anyone, let alone hug anyone unless they wanted to be punched or something to the equivalent that was just as painful. I knew my sixteen year old sister, Zafrina had the comforting thing covered so I thought against it. Besides, if I hugged her it wouldn't be comforting to know I might punch her in the face. Usually, I didn't punch anyone in my family unless it was absolutely nessecary but, when Lailia started Kindergarden she saw exactly how hard I could punch. Not exactly the best thing to be afraid of when you were already afraid of the world ending. Because of my "Don't let anyone touch me" personality I got plenty of Detentions. Even more then Josiah, wich I was proud of. Since their father went to war alot he wasn't usually home and their mom was usually to busy taking care of Josiah and Lailia to realize how many Detentions I had. Plus, my mom kind of knew how I wasn't going to become good so she didn't really care anymore.

At that moment I realized my mom was inside the house. Since she hadn't called for them yet my guess was she was sleeping because even Bobby Hensworth was poking his head outside his door every minute or so with his older sister at tow. Bobby Hensworth was a tall, skinny boy about Josiah's age with curly bright red hair that you could see visibly anywhere. I didn't know where his hair came from because his mom and dad both had jet black hair. Bobby chose never to listen to anyone and that was why he had as many Detentions as I did. Bobby flunked the fourth grade last year so now he was the only eleven year old in Josiah's class. "I'm going to go find mom" I called over to Zafrina. The wind was now picking up, surely a bad sign. I could see the pain on Zafrina's face. I knew how she would hate for them to split up and at first I thought she was going to say no. I bit my lip and gave her the biggest pleading look I could manage.

Sirens blared. People screamed. Soldiers marched and called out battle crys in the distance. These were the sounds of the world ending and I was very confused. Wasn't the world ending susposed to mean land splitting and Volcanos erupting hot molten lava that would burn you to ashes? Anna-Riley didn't know which she preferred. The most confusing part was I, along with my brother Josiah and two sisters was standing holding each others hands right in the middle of it. We seemed to be rooted to the spot, not being able to speak or move as we watched the shadowy figures of soldiers get closer to the land and people we loved. Of course, there was a Legend to the world ending and it basically ended with everyone dieing and the land being taken over by evil soldiers who were trying to take over the land that minute. Yep, that's right! No matter how many soldiers we brought out to defend the land they would all be destroyed. Happy ending, huh?

Everyone in her family had heard the Legend accept her six year old little sister, Lailia who was turning alittle green as she looked at the soldiers. Poor Lailia. I was even thinking of giving her a hug despite the fact I'd have to reach over Josiah to do it and my only rule was I couldn't touch anyone, let alone hug anyone unless they wanted to be punched or something to the equivalent that was just as painful. I knew my sixteen year old sister, Zafrina had the comforting thing covered so I thought against it. Besides, if I hugged her it wouldn't be comforting to know I might punch her in the face. Usually, I didn't punch anyone in my family unless it was absolutely nessecary but, when Lailia started Kindergarden she saw exactly how hard I could punch. Not exactly the best thing to be afraid of when you were already afraid of the world ending. Because of my "Don't let anyone touch me" personality I got plenty of Detentions. Even more then Josiah, wich I was proud of. Since their father went to war alot he wasn't usually home and their mom was usually to busy taking care of Josiah and Lailia to realize how many Detentions I had. Plus, my mom kind of knew how I wasn't going to become good so she didn't really care anymore.

At that moment I realized my mom was inside the house. Since she hadn't called for them yet my guess was she was sleeping because even Bobby Hensworth was poking his head outside his door every minute or so with his older sister at tow. Bobby Hensworth was a tall, skinny boy about Josiah's age with curly bright red hair that you could see visibly anywhere. I didn't know where his hair came from because his mom and dad both had jet black hair. Bobby chose never to listen to anyone and that was why he had as many Detentions as I did. Bobby flunked the fourth grade last year so now he was the only eleven year old in Josiah's class. "I'm going to go find mom" I called over to Zafrina. The wind was now picking up, surely a bad sign. I could see the pain on Zafrina's face. I knew how she would hate for them to split up and at first I thought she was going to say no. I bit my lip and gave her the biggest pleading look I could manage.

This is a very interesting piece...and very different! I liked how you started this story! And I am very interested in where you go with this story, the one thing I would say is try not to give the whole back story at once keep only giving bits and pieces at once to keep the reader wanting to read more.

Over all good job!
Keep Writing!
KJR

Hi!

I really liked this, and I want to know what happens next! Although I found one grammatical error in the second paragraph: You were talking in 1st person, and you say "Their father and mother." I don't know if you meant the siblings father and mother, but I found it a little confusing.

But other than that, it was really good! I really liked it, nice job!

Hello! Nitpicks first!

Soldiers marched and called out battle crys in the distance.

"Crys" should be "cries".

Wasn't the world ending susposed to mean land splitting and Volcanos erupting hot molten lava that would burn you to ashes?

"Volcanoes" shouldn't be capitalized. In general, this sentence is a little word; you should try splitting it up.

The most confusing part was I, along with my brother Josiah and two sisters was standing holding each others hands right in the middle of it.

"Was" should be "were".

Of course, there was a Legend to the world ending and it basically ended with everyone dieing and the land being taken over by evil soldiers who were trying to take over the land that minute.

Again, this sentence is very wordy. You seem to repeat yourself too. You say that there's a prophesy of the world coming to an end and then you say that soldiers were trying to take over the land. You don't have to have the last part, since we can infer that the evil soldiers are the ones who are doing the taking over. The "to" should be replaced with an "of" and "dieing" should be "dying".

Everyone in her family had heard the Legend accept her six year old little sister, Lailia who was turning alittle green

Space in between "a" and "little".

I was even thinking of giving her a hug despite the fact I'd have to reach over Josiah to do it and my only rule was I couldn't touch anyone, let alone hug anyone unless they wanted to be punched or something to the equivalent that was just as painful

Another long sentence that needs to be broken up.

Since their father went to war alot he wasn't usually home and their mom was usually to busy taking care of Josiah and Lailia to realize how many Detentions I had.

Space between "a" and "lot".

Alright, I thought the idea behind this was interesting, but you really need to work on a few things.

1) Grammar and Spelling. I think I caught most of the errors, but you might want to go through it again, just to make sure.

2) Point of View. You change from first person to third person. A lot. I think Amfliflier already mentioned this.

3) Pacing. I know this is just a prologue, but you jump around a lot. First, you talk about the world ending and a Legend, then you skip to some background information on the family, and then you suddenly jump to your character realizing that her mother is still in the house. My suggestion would be to slow down and take time to explain things.

Other than that, I think this piece has some great potential. The story itself interests me and I hope you decide to continue this.

Hope this helped!

- Jelly