Figure Skating

Today you look particularly exhausted when I pick you up from the ice rink. You have your bag over your arm and are sipping the orange gatorade that you always have me buy for you because you like it so much after skating.
“How did practice go?” I ask you.
“It was fine,” you say indifferently.
“Is everything all right?” I'm confused. You're not usually like this. You're always so happy because that's how skating makes you feel.
“Yes, mom.” You shove the gatorade in your bag and lean back in your seat, letting out a grunt.
“Stephanie,” I tell you, putting my arm on your shoulder. “You can talk to me if you want.”
“They're not going to let me participate in regionals,” you say bitterly, “for the fourth year in a row. They said I'm not graceful enough when I skate. I'm too clumsy....I don't get it like the others do or something.”
“There are twelve people in your group, right?” I say. “They can only pick two each year. Remember, you're part of twelve of the best at the rink, in the city, no less. That should count for something.”
I know this was the wrong thing to say, because it only makes you more upset. “Mom, I've been skating since I was three. I'm sixteen now. There are girls who are eleven and twelve participating in regionals!”
“You'll get it one day, honey, don't worry.”
“When? Regionals is only the smallest step to take...if I can't even get there, I'm not going to ever make it to the Olympics.”
I nod. You've told me about it many times before. Your dream of wearing a a beautiful dress, and floating across the ice like a swan, as I've watched you do many times. Getting a gold medal as they play our national anthem. I don't know what to tell you, but it hurts for me to see you like this. I know how much you love skating. “There's always next year,” I say, “you're still young. And you're a wonderful skater.”
“Don't you think they would have picked me already, if I was that good? I suck at skating, mom, that's why.”
“I don't think you, Stephanie,” I tell you. “Don't give up. Maybe these girls that are going to regionals this year won't make it as far. They don't have the drive and the passion that you do. You'll get it one day, and when you do I know you'll go far.”
“You're just saying that.”
“I'm not,” I say. “Honey, why don't you skate your brother, father and I some time this weekend? We can have our own regional competition.”
This makes you laugh a little, but you don't say anything else.

When we get home, I make you brownies, which seem to cheer you up somewhat. But I know you're still sad. You won't be able to shake this off for a while, I can tell. I'm sure you tried so hard. It isn't fair.
It takes you some convincing, but we get you out to the rink and we let you wear a dress and do your hair. You see the girls from your group that got picked for regionals, and this distracts you and almost causes you to quit. But you go back on the ice, and you loose yourself.
I'm so amazed when I watch you, but not just because you're my daughter. You look so
graceful, beautiful. Your father and your brother think the same.
We take you out for ice cream afterward. You don't say anything, and I know you're still sad.
“Stephanie,” your brother tells you, “you are talented. Please don't give up.”
You nod your head and wipe away what I see as tears. “Thanks. I wasn't going to.” You open your bag, which is right beside you, and run your palm down the edge of your skate. "Despite everything I really love doing this. It's the only place I really feel at home."
"You'll make it one day," I assure you. In response to this, you lean across the table and pull me in a hug. It feels nice.
"Thanks, mom," you say. "Thanks for being so supportive."

Ohmigoodness. This is so cool. I really liked it because I'm a figure skater and I can totally relate to this (especially about the clumsiness). Are you a skater too? Because you captured the scene perfectly and beautifully and just, wow. It's totally how a lot of skaters feel after practices, how they feel they're just not good enough. Is this going to continue? I'd love to read more. Great work and keep it up!!

I honestly liked it, although I have a few suggestions!

1. I've noticed that you're missing a few words here and there, and your writing gets kind of confusing when I have to guess what your trying to say! :/

2. If I was you, I'd probably state that the MC is talking to their mother in the beginning, because then readers will be less confused at the very beginning!

Other than that, you did really good! =D Good job!

very good story. i guess it sorta shows the struggles that teenagers go to when they get discouraged? sorta? haha whatev. but i know how this girl feels. in band at first i wasn't chosen for marching block and i didn't get in the top half of all-region auditions. but i think the most important thing to remember is that you have supporters and if you don't give up you'll make it to there one day (wherever there is)

I love this sooooo much! I'm a figure skater, and this is exactly how I feel most of the time, because there are several girls way younger than me at our rink that are SO much better than me. I only continue figure skating because I love it. Thanks for giving me inspiration!!

Hi!

I can see what you were trying to go for, but I wouldn't really say that this is second person -- it's very much more written in the first. We have the pronoun 'I' and a clear narrator and it's clear that the 'you' isn't referring to us, the reader, but another character in the story.

I think as are result of this, this reads kinda awkwardly. I think if you read through it again, approaching it more from a first-person perspective rather than a second-, you'll pick up on a lot of what I mean. The pronoun 'you' is everywhere, to the point where things begin to read unnaturally. It's almost a little like naval gazing in a strange way, except instead of focusing so much on the I the emphasis is all on the you. To look at the first paragraph to show what I mean:

Today you look particularly exhausted when I pick you up from the ice rink. You have your bag over your arm and are sipping the orange gatorade that you always have me buy for you because you like it so much after skating.

This reads really strangely, because it's almost like it's both past and present tense at the same time; we don't need to know that it's today because things are happening now, if that makes sense? The bolded part is kinda what I mean, if you weren't actively trying to approach this in the second person, it's kinda clear how stilted it sounds, especially combined with how much you there is in this piece.

The mother-daughter relationship hit me a little bit when it's first mentioned, as this doesn't really read like that. I had originally assumed that they were perhaps close friends, but the almost obsessive focus on you, the daughter, is more what I'd expect from an extremely intense romantic relationship, especially at the beginning of one, where one person's thoughts are entirely consumed in the other. In addition, it's like the narrator has few thoughts of her own, we're not told what her opinions are of her daughter not being able to figure skate, the focus is still all attached to the daughter. It's almost like one of those picture perfect television mothers, who always does the thing that her daughter needs, who knows exactly what's going through her mind, and doesn't really seem to have anything else going on in her life. She feels like a very flat character at the moment, more an empty vessel for us to get to know the daughter, rather than her having any personality in her own right.

Also, as an aside, it feels like, at one point, the mother calls her daughter honey in every-other line of her dialogue, which seems a bit like over-kill ;)

I think, as an experiment in the second person, this kinda fails to hit the mark -- it feels like first person trying to be something it's not. Second person is the hardest perspective to pull off, and honestly don't think I've ever seen anyone manage to pull it off convincingly, so it's hardly any reflection on your writing on the whole. I think that's where the weaknesses in this really lie as it stands, if you were to go through when you edit and try and approach this from the first person, I think this would be more readable, realistic, and much easier to engage with.

I hope that I've been of some use to you! If you want me to elaborate on anything I've said or have any questions, just shoot me a PM and whatnot.

-Tinny

Hi Eli! ^-^ Here as requested! (Sorry it took a little longer than I expected. xD)

First of all - I am going to say that I disagree with Tin Fishy - mostly because every piece of second person work that I've ever read has also has a very strong 'first person' perspective. That's part of second person. I say leave it as it is - it has more of an effect this way that it would in first person. In my opinion, anyways.

As for the story as a whole, second-person aside, I enjoyed it. It was simple, and I like how you portrayed the mother-daughter relationship. I don't get to read stories from the mother's point-of-view very often, and usually it's from the teenagers sob-story point of view... which gets annoying. xD This was a nice change.

I did, however, have a bit of a problem with the first paragraph - though Tin Fishy pointed it out already. I don't think that it read awkwardly for the same reason, however:

Today you look particularly exhausted when I pick you up from the ice rink. You have your bag over your arm and are sipping the orange gatorade that you always have me buy for you because you like it so much after skating.

The sentence I bolded is just too wordy - in my opinion, the awkwardness has nothing to do with the first/second person thing. It's a bit run-on-y, and there's just a little too much there. I would consider rephrasing it.

Other than this though, it almost depresses me to say that I can't find much else to nit-pick. Maybe that's because it's still early in the morning here and I'm a bit brain-dead, but I honestly can't think of anything right now.

Thanks for the request! ^^

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Hey Elinor!

I enjoyed reading this, but I do agree with little tin fish. You seem to have captured the story more in first person than in second, which is a shame as I can see that you really tried hard to get an angle on second person. It wasn't awful though - far from it! The story was still nice and it was heart-warming too, for the mum to be encouraging and the girl to finally believe in herself.

I found a few nit-piks -

“I don't think you, Stephanie"

You need 'do' after 'you'

you skate your brother, father

You need 'with' after 'skate'

It takes you some convincing

This would be better without 'you'

"Despite everything I really love doing this.

Comma after 'everything'

***

The ending made me go 'aww'

I definitely think you should have another attempt at writing in second person. It's a hard thing to do well, but if you learn from what people have pointed out, I'm sure that your next attempt will be great!

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

Heya Elinor! This has been on my reading list for a while, but I never got around to reviewing it for whatever reason. Let's see if I can fit it in before Review Day ends!

This is a sweet piece. It's pretty short, so there's not much I can say about it, but I see what you're going for and I think you achieved it. I'm going to disagree with some of your other reviewers and say that I actually liked the second person. It spiced the thing up a little bit--gave it a new perspective. Kept it from getting dull. I also think it served nicely to draw the reader in--not drawing them in towards Stephanie, but towards the mother. You're showing us what the mother sees, which is an interesting stance to read about, especially for young people like ourselves. ^_^ I know I've been in Stephanie's situation before, but her mother's is alien to me. So I thought that was an interesting take.

I am going to agree, though, that all the "honey"ing is a little annoying. Actually, a lot of the dialogue felt over-the-top-saccharine to me. It felt like it was trying a little too hard to be heartwarming. You know when you see a Hallmark card with a cute little "heartfelt" saying on it? I don't like those. I can never keep myself from feeling that those are not really heartfelt at all, because someone just bought it and put my name on it. Well, your dialogue reminds me a little of that. It just feels a bit cliché, like it could have been written for any story and you just wrote the words "skating" and "Stephanie" in to make it fit.

Also watch out for "As you know, Bob" dialogue. Make sure everything that the characters are saying are things they're saying for the sake of the other characters, not for the sake of informing the readers.

All in all, it's short, it's sweet. It's touching. It's personal. It's cute. It made me smile a little. But I don't really feel like there's all that much substance to it. I don't think there was really any hurtle jumped or any goal achieved--it was just kind of sentimental. I think this is probably what you're going for--something subtle. Not in-your-face or preachy. But I'd rather see some change come over the main character--something that would make me feel like there had been some conflict and some resolution to the story. Otherwise it just feels like a sweet, well-written scene rather than a full short story.

I hope this helps! As always, feel free to PM me or write on my wall or whatever.

Happy Review Day!

a