Masterpiece

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When a gnat is given the power of a bear, chaos reigns.
Xaero, Quake 3 Arena

The cold morning's wind blew leaves from the balcony down onto the people intently watching Dave from the street. Dave was not on the balcony, which was exactly why he was being watched. He was at a place where people went to die, but Dave was not, by any means, suicidal. In fact, he rather enjoyed his life.

Past the receptionist, up the elevator, beyond a flight of stairs, through an office of confused insurance workers and stunned security, and now finally Dave stood on a thin ledge. There were blinking lights and people's faces below him, some expressionless, some concerned, some crying - soon, for a reason. Dave was not suicidal, but he did jump.

His heart jumped with him, providing that surge of adrenaline which, for Dave at least, was a rare commodity nowadays. Tears welled up in his eyes, but only because of the strong wind that was mercilessly assaulting them. The firemen had not expected this to be over so soon, it appeared, because they had not taken out the net to catch Dave with. They were scrambling to get it out of the truck, but something had become stuck, and he was far too low anyway for anything to have worked now. The great forces beyond the skies must have pressed the pause button on their remote control, and every face froze in anticipation of the impact. The older folk expected blood and disfigurement, while the younger folk expected a fountain of gore - that's the way fatal falls were in videogames, and surely videogames never lied. But Dave would not die today, because he most certainly was not suicidal. He closed his eyes just before he could make out individual rocks on the pavement, his face slackened in an ethereal smile, and there was ever so small of a blue glow somewhere on the left half of his field of vision. He opened his eyes.

Dave was no longer in the air or on the ledge, and both the traffic and the crowd went about their day like a healthy heartbeat. Insurance workers kept working their insurance, and security kept on securing, unaware of Dave's existence. A lovely Asian couple were riding the elevator to get a quote for their new car. The stairs had not been used in days. As Dave opened his eyes, when any normal person would expect to see the bearded face of Saint Peter or the goateed face of a certain red individual, he expected only to see a receptionist of a skyscraper building, and that was exactly what he saw.

The receptionist smiled a polite smile at Dave, expecting him to provide the office name he was going to be visiting today.

"I'm sorry," Dave said, the same look of ethereal enlightenment still on his face. "I believe I have the wrong address. Would you, by any chance, know where I can find Parker & Associates?"

The receptionist told him, but he didn't pay attention to what she said. He nodded, smiled, and left the building. I wonder if Parker & Associates actually exist, he thought.

And in his field of vision, on the left half, there was a light blue glow. On closer inspection, the glow was produced by two little words, each in an oval. SAVE. LOAD. Just like on the screen of what was his Nintendo DS, when he smashed into it face-first during the accident five years ago. No one on the front seats survived, of course, but the words stayed burned in the darkness of closed eyes. Dave didn't believe in magic before this happened, but he had a few bitter laughs after the fact. Just imagine the origin story, were his life a comic book: NintendoMan! He had a game system stapled into his skull! After waking up from the surgery, he found he had the powers of a video game!

On his way home, Dave saw a woman drop her wallet while closing her purse. He picked it up, called her over and gave it back to her.

"Thank you so much," the woman said. Not much of a woman, now that he saw her up close. An attractive girl of twenty or so, beaming at Dave. "I appreciate it."

Glad to be of service, Dave said. So I lost a piece of paper, where your phone number should have been. Now all I have is this blank piece of paper. I helped you with your problem, perhaps you could help me with mine.

"You're welcome," Dave actually said. He nodded to her and continued walking. I should have saved, he thought. But why take the risk of rejection if he could not just reverse time? That was the excuse, anyway. Shame he couldn't go back more than one save.

Dave stopped at a street crossing. There was an art exhibition for him to tend to in a few hours, but he wanted his patrons to see the master at work. He would be painting while they admired his completed pieces. The question was - what to paint? But that question was solved, of course. Dave really enjoyed the view on the way down from that skyscraper.

As he waited for the light to turn green, something caught his eye in the line of cars waiting for the light with him. A guy and a girl chatting in a car, both teenagers. Laughing, simpering. Looking at him sometimes. Dave sighed and closed his eyes, and there was a small glow on the left in the darkness of his field of vision. He opened his eyes; the pair was still at it.

He leisurely walked up to the car, as if he was crossing the street, but stopped at the window. The pair also stopped goosing around, and looked at him. "Nice coat, man," he heard the guy inside say. Dave grinned a little, enjoying the taste of surging rage.

The glass tore his skin as he drove his fist through it, and grabbed the young man by the throat. His strength surged to a superhuman level by the burning pain, and he pulled the kid right out of the driver's seat through the window. This is what happens when you drive without your seat belt, Dave thought.

"What the fuck, what the fuck, stop," the kid choked. His girlfriend screamed.

"Do I look funny to you?" Dave asked. "What the fuck were you little shits laughing at? Do I look funny? Is that it?"

"No man, no, we were just talking, fuck, just let me go, don't do this, man..."

"I want to see what your girlfriend's head looks like, mounted on your spine," Dave said. He breathed heavily, and his words were growls. His body felt light as air now, and there was no pain.

The cars around him honked, though some skipped the honking and drove through the red light. Others had people with shocked faces coming out. Some watched. Some took pictures. Some called 911. No one moved. They never do, Dave thought.

He drove his thumb through the bottom of the squealing kid's chin, his nail piercing the skin. He dragged him by that wound, as if a fish by a fishing hook, to the nearest stop sign a few meters away. The sign was rusted, and had very sharp edges.

Only about ten minutes later, Dave was lying on the ground, blood oozing out of several bullet holes, mixing with the blood of other people.

There was a lot of blood on his clothes, some of it so fresh it still slid about, not quite absorbed by his reddened coat. There was blood on his hands, blood on his nose – a blurred blemish which swam in and out of focus – and there was blood sprayed and dripped all over the asphalt.

His right hand gripped several vertebrae; there was a mess of hair and pulpy matter scattered in a perimeter of gore all around him. His left hand wasn’t functional, as one of the bullets had severed some important internal connection that had allowed movement of the limb.

Dave lay there, broken and almost extinguished, and slow, calm thoughts like after a colossal, explosive orgasm, floated through his dimming mind.

Decapitating people is a lot easier than pulling out their spine, Dave told himself, even when you've got adrenaline-induced super-strength. Those old Predator movies made it look too easy. And the feeling of resisting flesh and sinew covered bone was now forever imprinted on his palms and in his mind. He still had to decide whether he hated or loved that.

At this stage his eyesight was failing rapidly, a gray-and-orange fog spreading gradually from the periphery of his vision to the center. A slow booming combined with a perpetual hiss was also slowly rising to overwhelm his hearing.

He grimaced with pain and deep tired pleasure as his flickering consciousness struggled to hold on with its last strength to the dying, bullet riddled carcass.

A scream or a shout floated by sometimes, increasingly visual, a few crouching figures with extended hands seemed to be edging closer. Cops probably.

Pushing himself with worm-like movements, of whatever part of his body still obeyed his commands, Dave rolled to one side and examined his handiwork. The tufts of hair, the blood, the soft glistening pulps. The horror-pierced deathmask of a teenage girl. The boy’s face was nearby, dislodged eyes leaking fluid and hanging from empty sockets.

What a great day, Dave thought as he saw their expressions, another painting. He closed his eyes.

Now the pair was in their car again, chatting, laughing, throwing him looks. Why, time for one of my own looks, Dave thought. He smiled - it was an "I've-heard-you-squeal-like-a-pig" smile. It was an "I-know-what-your-insides-look-like" smile. It was a "fuck-with-me-again-and-we'll-have-some-more-fun" smile.

It was a smile that told a dark story.

Straightaway the blonde-haired birds looked grave. Tires squealed - not unlike the kid himself minutes prior - and the old Ford sped through the milliseconds-old green light.

His studio was in a middle-upper class area, with large subdivisions on each side. Plenty of kids bored to death, making up problems for themselves out of nothing else to do. Some called themselves "goth", others "emo". All stared wide-eyed at the painfully detailed canvases depicting stomach-turning scenes. The goths mostly liked the graphic ones, while the emos preferred the more abstract ones - to each their own. Dave himself sat in the corner, painting his next piece, answering questions and sometimes signing autographs.

It was later in the evening, when the exhibition was almost empty, that she came. She surely was significant, Dave knew this from the start, because her presence distracted him from his second painting before she even stepped foot into the studio. In such a stark contrast to his normal audience of fake blood, multitudes of chains, and black leather, she was wearing white.

"Hello," she said, moving her long platinum hair behind her ear. She cocked her head as she did that, and closed her eyes. Then she looked at Dave and smiled.

"Hello, I'm Dave," Dave said, standing up quickly. "How are you?" He didn't find anything smarter to say.

"Your art is so interesting," she said, looking around. The art had shocked her, to a degree, but in a good way - such that she forgot to answer his question. She slowly paced by a row of abstract paintings, looking closely at each one. "It reminds me a little bit of Goya. Can you see it? The images, the expressions -- it takes a connoisseur to create works of beauty from the evolving scenes of someone else's nightmare."

"Yes," Dave said. He ate her, he feasted on every inch of her body. Her pure skin, her innocent smile. Her perfectly sized and perfectly round breasts, coquettishly hidden by the veil-like white dress. His heart sped up, and he had some difficulty breathing. "You're... familiar with Goya, then?"

"Oh, yes," she said, now looking at the grotesque paintings, some of which implied dismemberment. "I read a lot. Lovecraft mentioned Goya as the old master, the one painter who could capture distilled horror on canvas, faces distorted in true anguish. This here--" she pointed to a painting near the floor, and bent over to pick it up-- "this one practically screams 'Saturn Devouring His Son'."

Dave was listening, but he couldn't hear. She wore those close-fitting black pants that gymnasts wear. They outlined perfectly the curves-- and the creases. Thanks to the soft light of the studio, there was but a subtle hint of a mound between her legs. Dave sat down, as he felt a tightness in his crotch. To try and calm his raging heart, he took a deep sigh, closed his eyes, and wiped his face with his palm. No-- impossible. It was impossible to quench this thirst. There came a pale blue light on the left side of his vision.

"Oh-- sorry-- do you not want me touching the paintings?" the girl said, recoiling from the picture.

"No, it's okay," Dave said. "I didn't catch your name?"

"My name's Joy," she said. She had a beautiful smile.

"That's a pretty name," Dave said, standing up. "Look at that one there, I just finished it," he said, pointing to a curious image. The central part of it was a rock, highly detailed, from the top down. Everything else was radially blurred, but one could kind of make out policemen, people, cars, buildings. "That is the view of a person jumping to their death." He took a paint can that stood nearby. "The suicidal sees nothing but the way ahead of him." He walked to her in a funny way to hide his erection, but her back was turned to him. "He cares nothing for the people he will traumatize, whether they are the onlookers or friends and relatives." He was close to her now - she did not turn because she must have thought that he came up to her in order to explain the painting better. "Thus, suicide is ultimately a selfish action, in every way and form."

The can dented as he cracked it against the back of her head, and seconds later, the lights in the studio turned off.

She was a virgin, too.

She came to about thirty seconds later, her perfect face and her torn clothing illuminated by the cold strips of street lamp light passing through shuttered windows. Dave's hand was wrapped around her throat, but it was not clenched. Just enough to hold her in place. His other hand fondled her breasts. She gasped, her eyes widened, and her hands clung to his arm in panic. But then her muscles relaxed, and her hands slid down his arm with each thrust - not gently, and not in resignation. She did not cry, and she did not scream. She stared blankly into the ceiling, through Dave. Not something Dave had seen before, but then again, all people were different.

It did not take long. He was finished after another thirty seconds, perhaps owing to how beautiful she was. But it still didn't quite feel right - that catatonic look was more than a bit of a turn-off. He liked it when they screamed. He liked it when they would try to resist and he'd choke them, just to put them in their place. But this was different, and not in a good way.

He took a deep sigh, pulled out, and went back to his easel. The scene was perfect. Torn clothes, ravaged beauty. Resignation, maybe. All on a prolonged marble counter, as if a sacrificial altar. He looked a long time at the scene, and she did not move once - the good girl. This scene was absolutely, absolutely perfect. It will be his next masterpiece.

Once he had the image strongly in his mind, he kicked back in his chair, his body still shivering with after-orgasm. In this ecstasy, he closed his eyes. Blue glow.

"No, it's okay," Dave said. His breath was back to normal, his heart pumping pleasure through his body. Before him was no longer an idol of beauty, but just a regular human being. No... something else changed. "I didn't catch your name?"

"My name's Sorrow," she said. She no longer had a beautiful smile, and a hint of silver appeared behind her palm. Dave tensed.

She had a smile that was about to create a dark story.


Thanks to Jherek for his help and contributions to this story. Thanks, dude!
Last edited by carbonCore on Fri May 06, 2011 4:19 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Okay. Because you kissed my ass so nicely, I'll review this. :) But it's going to be tough love. Also, I'm going to assume you gave me permission to rip apart this story entirely, which is something I usually feel guilty about doing. So this should be fun.

To be honest, I didn't like it at first, but by the second read-through I was in love with it. I thought it was a great idea... well, it was sort of a great idea. Get rid of this:
carbonCore wrote:Just like on the screen of what was his Nintendo DS, when he smashed into it face-first during the accident five years ago. No one on the front seats survived, of course, but the words stayed burned in the darkness of closed eyes. Dave didn't believe in magic before this happened, but he had a few bitter laughs after the fact. Just imagine the origin story, were his life a comic book: NintendoMan! He had a game system stapled into his skull! After waking up from the surgery, he found he had the powers of a video game!

It's obvious that he's in some kind of video game. All that explanation just seems... tacky? You get the point, right? I think it would be better if left a little ambiguous.

There were a few sentences, phrases etc. that made me grit my teeth. Please edit these. For me? They're detracting from the dark, twisted, bloodthirsty, gorey, grotesque, gruesome orgy of awesomeness that is this story.

carbonCore wrote:only God knew how they got there,
Um, the wind? I think the point of this is that the balcony is to high for the wind to push the leaves too. In that case, there just shouldn't be leaves there. But if you don't point it out, I doubt we'd notice. Cut out that line.

carbonCore wrote:He was at a place where people went to die, but make no mistake: Dave was not suicidal.
It's like you're talking directly to the audience here, which is sometimes alright, but it doesn't really fit with this story. Maybe just put: "He was at a place where people went to die, but Dave was not suicidal." Much neater.

carbonCore wrote:providing that surge of adrenaline which his life now made sure he really worked for.
This line was... confusing. Idontgeddit.

carbonCore wrote:The great forces beyond the skies must have pressed the pause button on their remote control, and every face froze in anticipation of the impact.
I can't quite explain why I don't like this. Just believe me when I say it would sound better if you took out the 'great forces beyond the skies' and 'their remote control'. Maybe get rid of the first half, and say: "Every face froze in anticipation of the impact". Or if you really like the pause button metaphor, say "Someone must have pressed the pause button", except, you know, better than that.

carbonCore wrote:unaware of Dave's existence, and security kept on securing.
Swap those two phrases around.

carbonCore wrote:and his words were growls.
Okay, now I'm really nitpicking. But get rid of the 'and'.

carbonCore wrote:Straightaway the blonde-haired birds looked grave.
That's a really stupid adjective. It sounds... Gandalf-ish? I don't know, I just don't like it.

Now stop the self-pity. This is a great story. It's just not quite brilliant, is all. (Yet)
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb




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Seeing as I'm supposed to love you and all that jazz, I will go out of my comfort zones and review this xD. (yeah, thats right. You better appreciate ;D). Doesn't mean I'll be nice, but I will review this. *cough*that and you just recieved my 200th review, so appreciate ;D*cough*

Spoiler
Nit-Picks:

The cold morning's wind blew leaves from the balcony, only God knew how they got there, down onto the people intently watching Dave from the street.


Change the commas to dashes. Its more of an inner, narrator add in so it should be put into those contexts.

He was at a place where people went to die, but make no mistake: Dave was not suicidal. In fact, he rather enjoyed his life.


Cut this into two sentence. It'll give more impact if the first comma is a period. Also, you have a full colon instead of a semicolon. Replace.

Past the receptionist, up the elevator, beyond a flight of stairs, through an office of confused insurance workers and stunned security, and now finally on a thin ledge, standing way above blinking lights and people's faces, some expressionless, some concerned, some crying - soon, for a reason.


You start off with an interesting effect and then you take it too far. This line is wayyyy run-on.

Dave was not suicidal, but he did jump.

His heart jumped with him, providing that surge of adrenaline which his life now made sure he really worked for.


You did bipass my 'no repeating nouns, verbs, or adjectives in the same paragraph' rule by spacing them, but the word 'jump' and 'jumped' are much to close together. Split them apart, please!

The firemen had not expected this to be over so soon, it appeared, because they had not taken out the net to catch Dave with.


You say the name 'Dave' a lot. Like, you rarely use words such as 'he' and what not. Maybe try thinking of how you can word lines so that its not "Dave jumped. Dave is sad. Dave is happy.' (though not this... listless).

In this line, you already specified 'fireman' so you can say 'he'.

The older folk expected blood and disfigurement, the younger folk expected a fountain of gore -


Comma is spliced here. Make it a period, semicolon, or in this case what I would have chosen, put in a connective word such as 'whilst'.

Dave was no longer in the air or on the ledge, and both the traffic and the crowd went about their day like a healthy heartbeat. Insurance workers kept working their insurance, unaware of Dave's existence, and security kept on securing. A lovely Asian couple were riding the elevator to get a quote for their new car. The stairs had not been used in days. As Dave opened his eyes, when any normal person would expect to see the bearded face of Saint Peter or the goateed face of a certain red individual, he expected only to see a receptionist of a skyscraper building, and that was exactly what he saw.


This is really confusing. You jump from one extreme to the next, but as a reader, we don't know if it was just a 'day dream' or if it actually happened. Or, more even, where the hell he is. I got a little bit confused by this.

The receptionist told him, but he didn't pay attention to what she said. He nodded, smiled, and left the building. He wasn't sure what Parker & Associates actually did, if anything. He wasn't sure whether they existed.


This bits kind of redundant. The 'He did this. He felt that. He did this.' kind of feeling. Its lacking a component.

SAVE. LOAD. Just like on the screen of what was his Nintendo DS, when he smashed into it face-first during the accident five years ago. No one on the front seats survived, of course, but the words stayed burned in the darkness of closed eyes. Dave didn't believe in magic before this happened, but he had a few bitter laughs after the fact. Just imagine the origin story, were his life a comic book: NintendoMan! He had a game system stapled into his skull! After waking up from the surgery, he found he had the powers of a video game!


I don't know if you were trying to make your narrator sound naive, like a child, but thats the impression I got from this part. You make him sound very young, yet in earlier parts, you give the impression that he'd older; wiser. Its what makes him so cynical.

On his way home, Dave saw a woman drop her wallet while closing her purse. He picked it up, called her over and gave it back to her.


This sounds thrown in, like you decided to skip the theatrics and go straight for the jugular. You might want to do a bit more explaining before you jump the gun.

"Thank you so much," the woman said. Not much of a woman, now that he saw her up close. An attractive girl of twenty or so. "I appreciate it," she said with a smile.


I'm not much of a fan when a writer adds in more description of the dialogue afterwards. It seems like you're just throwing it in to take up space. I would cut the second dialogue description out completely.

A guy and a girl chatting in a car, two teenagers.


Spliced comma.

His strength throttled to a superhuman level by the burning pain, he pulled the kid right out of the driver's seat through the window.


Spliced comma. Make it a period.

"No man, no, we were just talking, fuck, just let me go, don't do this, man..."


Even in dialogue should one remember proper grammar. Period after the second 'no'. Period after 'talking'. Period after 'go'.

The cars around him honked, some drove through the red light.


Comma splice.

Some called the phone.


Called what phone?

He dragged him by that wound, as if a fish by a fishing hook, to the nearest stop sign a few meters away.


How'd he get him out of the car? xP

Straightaway the blonde-haired birds looked grave.


Comma after 'straighaway'.

All stared wide-eyed at the painfully detailed canvases depicting scenes of stomach-turning grotesque.


Grotesque...ness? xD, you don't specify.

Lovecraft mentioned Goya as the old master, the one painter who could capture distilled horror on canvas, faces distorted in true anguish.


Ah, Goya. A little much for me, but if you want a master, Caravaggio is your man. Not only did he paint realism, but his baroque stylizations were horrificly beautiful. Lots of beheading and what not. He looks to be a little more your style xD.

She wore those close-fitting black pants that gymnasts wear


Leggings? xD

The brush broke in half as he cracked it against the back of her head, and seconds later, the lights turned off.


Try a can of paint, or something a little more lethal xD. All I picture is a dainty little brush like he ones I use.


Overall:

You give an interesting concept and an interesting twist in the end that was wonderful in theory.

But subtle.

Firstly, I would like to touch up on your structure. There are areas that you describe well and, beautifully, quite frankly, but there are also areas that are a bit sketchy to say the least. Such as how he jumps kind of to and from a situation. You don't really say anything about 'he left' or 'he arrived' or anything like that. You just kind of expect the reader to know where he is because you explain your situations so interestingly.

But, you must remember to connect everything in a manner whereas not only can you, yourself understand whats being pushed out of your brain, but so can the reader. Its not easy to follow along thought tracks so yours, in themselves, were a bit jumpy.

Secondly, I would like to note upon your punctuation. Mostly you were meticulous, but nearing the middle you seemed to become a bit sloppy. Lots of spliced commas and such things that shouldn't be where the are. You want to give the image of someone who knows what they are doing, so make all the sections equally strong.

Thirdly, I would prefer it if you tried to put a spotlight on the age of your character. You give the impression that hes young with all this 'videogame' stuff, but then you make him seem older. An Anne Rice protagonist, more or less, that is usually in their mid-forties to early fifties. I love an older protagonist, but I was confused as to what you were trying to show us.

Other than that, I thought this was a cool piece. There were some really nice sections and an awesome plotline. That and you are very good in both description and character. So, all in all, I have not much to complain about ;D. Also, any mentioning of the masters makes me one happy reviewer! But, if you haven't looked up Caravaggio much, I would suggest it. He looks to be your style indeed ;D.

~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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I thought this was pretty good overall. I skimmed through it the first time and it haunted me until I read the whole thing, after which everything made a ton more sense.
Dave is a really good antagonistic protagonist. I really wanted him dead by the end and I hope Sorrow succeeds in offing him.
So now this story is imprinted in my brain for a good long while, which is interesting because the whole premise initially sounds kinda cheesy. You made a really good story out of it though, good job.
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O.o

Wow.

You describe things so well.

It was very, very confusing at first, because I didn't know what was going on, but once you explained the video game surgery, everything became clear.



The goths mostly liked the graphical ones

I believe this should be "graphic" instead of "graphical." Graphical might be used to describe something that was at least partially done on the internet, but I don't think that's what you're talking about here. I think you're talking about ...well, gore and things like that, so the correct term would be graphic.



Shame he couldn't go back more than one save.

What does this part mean? I didn't understand it. A save? .....isn't what he doing a reboot? (I don't play many video games, I just have gamer friends.) And didn't he go back more than one save, later? Does he mean that he can't do it so soon after his last crime?



"Look at that one there, I just finished it,"

It should be this one, to agree in tense. (You could feasibly get away with it, since it's dialogue, but that seems strange to me.)



Why did the girl's name change? Is he able to change the name her mother gave her at the day of birth, just by raping her that one time?

Overall, this was darkly beautiful. Not something I'd normally read (and I almost turned away when I saw it was a story--I'm better with poems--but your imagery pulled me in) but I wanted to give you a review.

...is this part of a larger story?
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