No Name

7 posts
Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
This is not supposed to be clear. The point, the background, the character's true nature are all up for interpretation. This story was meant for you to think, to actually have to figure it all out. What I've done is given a glimpse of the whole puzzle, handed you a couple pieces you get to decipher.

Why did I do this? I ant this to be a story where it an be about so many different things all at once, so I will never tell you what it is really about, that's up to you. Take from it what you may. This way, I can get reviews from so many different angles.

I love this one because it's so different.... Which is why I'm probably going to get a TON of negative comments on it. Whenever I give in and write in something similar to my voice, people don't react well.

But whatever, enjoy!
________________________________

No Name

I don't have a name. Don't need one. Call me Pain, call me Fear, call me Rage. Why should I have a name when all these words fit me so well? Why should I be mentioned? Why should I be known? I don't need no name.

No one knows me. No one ever did (Not here). I intend to keep it that way. I wish to be invisible, to vanish when gazed upon. I don't want no more accusing eyes staring coldly into mine. Don't want no more fingers pointing, no more voices chattering, figures lingering, people staring, food slopped in buckets, torturing. Torture. It's torture! That's what it is! Torture!

Days are nights and nights are days as I pace in my cell, cold air and rain stab my face like needles. Like the needles jabbed into me during the peace-making. Like the needles.....

I'm staring at the sky. How odd. Its calm. Smooth and blue with wispy clouds of snowy white and a bright yellow sun. Happy. It looks happy. Why is it happy? Because THEY'RE happy? Because THEY deserve happiness and not I? I don't get it. Ain't got a clue.

Alone. Now I have a new foe. I fight with it every day. Loneliness.... I know they took him too. What did they do? Did they take him to another cell? Or somewhere else? Or.... or... or did they.... No. I can't think it. I can't, I CAN'T! But now I can't get it out of my head.

(Did they kill him?)

Please...no.....

No.

That's not true.

(But I know it is)

What time is it now? Is there even time at all anymore? It seems like it's all just a dark void. I'm falling. Falling. It's dark and deep and when I hit bottom.... When I hit bottom..... I blink and there they are. Pointing and laughing and accusing and questioning and haunting and lingering and-

I just hit bottom.

It hurts. Don't let anyone tell you it doesn't hurt when you hit. When your mind falls from your body and smashes across the stone. When you break. When insanity lifts you by the neck and all you can see is the pointing and laughing and lingering and... and.... the killing. When they came there was killing. There was war. There was capturing, then peace-making then more capturing and killing and-

"Murderers!" I shout but it's a quiet day and there's only one small child there to hear me.

The child stares at me, blinking its large blue eyes. "I'm not a murderer."

"You are. They all are." I spit, looking away.

"I'm not." It's got my attention now.

"You're not? How so?" I ask skeptically, gruesome images flashing in my mind.

"I never killed anyone. Did you?" It looks at me innocently, eyes bright.

"I did. I killed once but not a murder. Self-defense." It didn't work, though.... I think to myself, pushing haunting memories away from my thoughts.

"Then why are you here?" It asks, a slight tilt to its head.

"You don't get it do you? I shouldn't even be speaking. You're all the same. You all capture and torture and murder." I don't like breaking it to this kid but it should know.

"I could be different. I could free you. I could help you." It walked over, all of ten-years old but it had the keys to the lock. "My dad told me to hold them for him. He works here. I wanted a job. I guess I'm not very good at it." And with that it opened the cage and I stepped out. My first taste of the world outside the bars, the world of freedom and pleasure, a place for wonder, not horror.

At last.

I was free.

I smile wide, my eyes burning bright, observing the day, observing the world, observing-

Observing the screaming human standing not ten meters away, wild red hair blowing in the wind, eyes wide and face pale as death.

How had I not noticed it? How had I not been more careful? How could I have been so blind? How, how, how?

Tears start to form in my eyes as the guards come, strutting over like they own the world. In some ways, I suppose they do.

They each take one of my arms, yanking me to my feet and I know death is next. I know I will die away from home. Far away on this planet of brutes known as humans. I will die alone but at least I will be away from my cage. Away from the Zoo.

As they drag me away I hear the child calling; "I just wanted to help!" Its face was shiny with tears. "I wanted to set you free!"

"I am free. Or at least I will be soon." I replied as they dragged me further and further away, the tears in my eyes starting to dry up as I ponder this truth. "Thank you." I sighed, my voice but a whisper though I know the child heard me.

Perhaps there is hope for these creatures after all.
Last edited by GoaGreena on Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:42 am, edited 2 times in total.
I dream by day.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 17
I, Personally, did not like this. I liked your other stuff much better. But thats just me. Cant wait to see more from you though.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
Yeah, I assume it's the ranting sentences and random choppy phrases. I don't think I've encountered anyone who understood why I wrote it like that so I don't explain myself any more.

Anyway, this one was more of a vent. I need to get my thoughts out somehow, so I wrote this as a bit of a protest, a rant, something weird, strange, different.

I like weird things.
I dream by day.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
Ooers, actually I liked this quite a lot! The nameless one is strange and seems like a monster...I've been reading a lot of Greek myths, so I was reminded by the DIVINE monsters of Gaia, lol, but I'm sure it can fit in other ways! I like how you didn't specify who or what the caged one is... that makes it seem even stranger and I adore the strangeness of this piece.

At first I was put off by the genderless child, but that makes it even stranger because the child seems very inhuman. Which is completely contrary to the message (maybe the reason why the child is not like the rest because it remains inhuman while others are completely human?) Anyway, it's weird. I love it.

Anyway, there are a couple of things I would probably tweak. Not big tweaks! I love the weirdness of it, so I wouldn't change it much at all! But there are two main parts I would tweak.

I smile wide, my eyes burning bright, observing the day, observing the world, observing-

Observing the screaming human standing not ten meters away.

How had I not noticed her? How had I not been more careful? How could I have been so blind? How, how, how?

Tears start to form in my eyes as the guards come, strutting over like they own the world. In some ways, I suppose they do.


While I generally like the ambiguity in the piece, this part is way too ambiguous so that there is really no image that can be formed with this. I would expand this description some! Not much... but the screaming human should probably be described!

Also, there's one thing that I would get rid of:

Please...no.....

No.

That's not true.

(But I know it is)


I think it's powerful enough not to have this part in it!

Anyway, nice stuff! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
Thanks for the review! I meant to give no humans specified genders, that one line was a mistake. I wanted it to seem like the creature didn't see humans as we see humans, to the creature a human is a monster and that this creature can't tell humans apart except for their age since age is easy to decipher.

Sorry, messed up a bit there. And man, did I ever say "creature" a lot in that sentence. I just didn't want to give anything away. ;)

I kinda like that one part you mentioned but I can see why it's not needed. I think I just like it because it reminds me of Patrick Ness's writing style for the "Chaos Walking" trilogy, my all-time favourite books ever. I think I wrote this about a week after I finished the last book and put that part in without realizing how close it is to something Ness would write.

Anyway, thanks for the review! I really appreciate it!
I dream by day.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1369
Reviews 9
I really loved this peice, it is full of emotion and meaning (in a strange way). I know what you mean about Patrick Ness, after reading his books I found myself writing things like this. The beginning works really well, I think it is when you start to vaguely describe the prison that it becomes slightly confusing, and I don't think it carries the momentum that is created at the start. I think, if you could be bothered, you could turn this into a really good peice of poetry. It may not suit many people's tastes, but I love it.

Nats
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3820
Reviews 90
Well this is...different. Not sure what to make of it. I rather like the way it seems to echo off the page. It feels... (it has a deep emotional thought behind it, even though it is a bit confusing.)

Thinking out side the box...it is inspiring!

~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!



I would be a terrible novel protagonist.
— mellifera