Angel in My Pocket

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Points 8691

Reviews 180

Wed Apr 20, 2011 1:24 am

Warrior Princess says... · Wed Apr 20, 2011 1:24 am

I'm hiding in the closet
with an angel in my pocket;
I shut the door and locked it.
Just a feeling, but I can't stop it.

My telescope between my knees,
looking for a star, but all I see
are trees.
Tell me, please,
If my eyes deceive me,
because I doubt you would believe me,
or receive me,
if I told you that it's not a he--
it's she.

She laughs a little, sometimes cries,
and her eyes
are blue as the proverbial sky.
But even I,
the wordsmith, the poet,
I don't know yet
how to show it
to the world,
that I love this girl.

Keep it quiet, keep it hidden,
but for all the reasons I have given,
still the feeling stays,
and there's nothing left to say.

You must be swift as the coursing river,
With all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire,
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

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fireheartedkaratepup

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Points 5081

Reviews 270

Wed Apr 20, 2011 4:06 am

fireheartedkaratepup says... · Wed Apr 20, 2011 4:06 am

I'm hiding in the closet
with an angel in my pocket;
I shut the door and locked it.
Just a feeling, but I can't stop it.

Take out the but.

My telescope between my knees,
looking for a star, but all I see
are trees.

I'd rephrase the second line, "I look for a star, but all I see" because it just seems to fit better, to me.

if I told you that it's not a he--
it's she.

Take out that.

I don't know yet
how to show it
to the world,
that I love this girl.

Maybe take out that.

Keep it quiet, keep it hidden,
but for all the reasons I have given,

Take out but.

Overall, this is beautiful--you just need to remove a few superfluous words here and there, in my opinion. (No comment on the subject matter.)

"Ok, Lolpup. You can be a girl worth fighting for."
--Pengu

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lilymoore

Supporter

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Points 28467

Reviews 675

Wed Apr 20, 2011 4:14 am

lilymoore says... · Wed Apr 20, 2011 4:14 am

Hey there, Warrior!
So, right away, I have to say that I found this, for some reason, oddly catchy but this mostly had to do with a wonderful use of rhyme and rhythm. Actually, I think I need to make sure and save the url for this so I can reference this as a great rhyme and rhythm example. (As long as you don’t mind!)

There were a couple of lines where the rhythm did hiccup a little, most notably probably:

My telescope between my knees,
looking for a star, ball all I see
are trees.

The “are trees” line seems a little too short and sharp. Also, now that I look at it, “telescope” should be “telescope is” or something along that line because without a verb, that chunk up there that I quoted is a fragment.

Another thing that did seem very un-good (that sounds professional, right?) is the transition of that long i noise at the beginning of the third stanza into the et sound at the end of that stanza as well as the AABB pattern in the final stanza. I liked that it all worked so well in the first and second stanzas. That’s one of the most admirable aspects of this poem as far as structure goes, in my opinion because it can be very hard to get so many words to rhyme together. But the effort feels sputtered out towards the end which is terribly sad-making.

All in all, though, this is a really sweet poem and I enjoyed the sentiment in it. Plus, it was a rather original way of putting your idea, setting it up into some rather wonderful imagery, most especially with that line: “I’m hiding in the closet/with an angel in my pocket.”

It’s really awesome, Warrior! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave a wall post or something.

Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.

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KnightlyAngel09

Gender

Points 1802

Reviews 261

Wed Apr 20, 2011 4:31 am

KnightlyAngel09 says... · Wed Apr 20, 2011 4:31 am

Hi! Sorry if this is a short review as I'm reviewing from my phone. Anyway, I often write in rhyme myself and am really partial to it. As Lily said above, you made excellent use of rhyme and rhythm in this poem. The rhythm made me think of a nursery rhyme. That's a good thing though and I found it charmingly apt for this piece.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you.

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Upile

Gender

Points 1040

Reviews 60

Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:25 pm

Upile says... · Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:25 pm

Hey there.
I just wanted to put in my two cents hopefully my opinion will be of some help to you. First I absolutely love the title, it really draws someone in which is already a thumbs up for yah.

. red= error, orange= Im confused, purple= lines I love.

I'm hiding in the closet
with an angel in my pocket;
I shut the door and locked it.
Just a feeling, but I can't stop it.
the first stanza has no rhyming, it is a bit awkward to start rhyming mid-poem. Normally, (not that normality is ever a must in my books) if you want to rhyme you should start from the get-go, it makes the poetry more fluid and mellifluous. Just a thought.

My telescope between my knees,
looking for a star, but all I see
are trees.
Tell me, please,
If my eyes deceive me,
because I doubt you would believe me,
or receive me,
if I told you that it's not a he--
it's she.

She laughs a little, sometimes cries,
and her eyes
are blue as the proverbial sky.
But even I,
the wordsmith, the poet,
I don't know yet
how to show it
to the world,
that I love this girl. - I love these lines. They are so emotional, so well-put. People expect us (writers/poets) have all the words but sometimes Love leaves us speechless. I love this!

Keep it quiet, keep it hidden,
but for all the reasons I have given,
still the feeling stays,
and there's nothing left to say.

Well I love this poem but you do have to fix up the rhyme scheme, make it less awkward for the reader. I love the blank verse though, simply putting thought to paper can be beautiful. Good job. Fix it up a bit and I feel it will shine as one of the best poems on this site.
xx Upile xx

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TamaraGoesRawr

Gender

Points 1040

Reviews 7

Sat Apr 23, 2011 8:58 pm

TamaraGoesRawr says... · Sat Apr 23, 2011 8:58 pm

This was really good, I liked the imaginary feel to it. As far as I'm concerned, you should submit this to a contest or something. I didn't find anything wrong with it, really. But maybe just tweak the flow a bit more, so it's easier for the reader to read.

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Butterfinger

Gender

Points 2830

Reviews 114

Sat Apr 23, 2011 9:32 pm

Butterfinger says... · Sat Apr 23, 2011 9:32 pm

I'm hiding in the closet
with an angel in my pocket;
I shut the door and locked it.
Just a feeling, but I can't stop it. I'm wondering what feeling you can't stop??

My telescope between my knees,
looking for a star, but all I see
are trees. Wait, I thought she was in a closet? and she's looking at trees??
Tell me, please,
If my eyes deceive me,
because I doubt you would believe me,
or receive me,
if I told you that it's not a he--
it's she. I'm a little confused on what you mean here?

She laughs a little, sometimes cries,
and her eyes
are blue as the proverbial sky.
But even I,
the wordsmith, the poet,
I don't know yet
how to show it
to the world,
that I love this girl.

Keep it quiet, keep it hidden,
but for all the reasons I have given,
still the feeling stays,
and there's nothing left to say.

Over all, I love the lay out and word choice of this piece, very unique. I'm a little confused at parts above in red and the ending. As a reader, I'm a little lost. I'm trying to read between the lines, but the gap is pretty huge. Maybe it's just me?! Keep writing!

If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.

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