To Drew

I used to hate you for the words you said
that night, in that confusing mix of flesh and sweat
and alcohol they call El Divino
(and no, that is not a false cognate).

You pushed me away,
and when I dared to return,
you spoke for the world and said
loud and clear above the music

“Nobody wants to be with you.”

My worst fear, brought to life
by the acid words of a boy
who seemed attractive until
he opened his mouth.

I took your words as truth,
crying as I remembered all the times
that the world had sent me
exactly the same message.

But now I see that you are not
a spokesman for all humanity,
for my friends are few but loyal,
sticking by me through the hardest times.

And you?
One day you will fall down during
your unfunny drunken antics
and your friends will walk right over you.

No one will notice you or stop to help,
because it is not you they love,
but the bottles in their hands.
And when the beer goggles come off,
they will see you and run,
for nobody wants to be with you.

Hey niteowl.

I really liked this. I think you captured the fear of many teenagers of not belonging and feeling alone while at the same time packaging it differently so as not to become cliche. I think you summarized an entire phase of teenage life here. There's so much to read from this poem. Although you say it was written based on your own experience, it doesn't limit itself to that. You made it easy to relate to this poem. The way you wrote it makes every metaphor have a different meaning for a different reader.

I took your words as truth,
crying as I remembered all the times
that the world had sent me
exactly the same message.

But now I see that you are not
a spokesman for all humanity,
for my friends are few but loyal,
sticking by me through the hardest times.

This is the part of the poem which I think can be improved upon. I guess it's because I thought it was weaker than the rest of your poem and that's unfortunate because this is where the persona finds her strength. There's less vivid imagery here than in the rest of your poem. Lines like "I took your words as truth, crying as I remembered all the times" and "my friends are few but loyal, sticking by me through the hardest times" are also overused and so I think took a lot away from this part of your piece. I also liked how you used alcohol almost as a sort of anchor throughout this poem. You used it in the beginning and in the ending as well, very effectively. I guess I wish you use alcohol again as a metaphor in these lines to keep consistent with the rest of the poem.

Although, quite honestly. I already love this. It's a great poem. Thank you for a really good read.

--Nixie

This is relatable to many teens I think, and it captures alot of feelings that people probably share. I like how you simply stated the facts and the truth. There's really nothing wrong with this, I don't think.

I used to hate you for the words you said
that night, in that confusing mix of flesh and sweat
and alcohol they call El Divino
(and no, that is not a false cognate).

You pushed me away,
and when I dared to return,
you spoke for the world and said
loud and clear above the music

“Nobody wants to be with you.”

My worst fear, brought to life
by the acid words of a boy
who seemed attractive until
he opened his mouth. relatableee

I took your words as truth,
crying as I remembered all the times
that the world had sent me
exactly the same message. This stanza is sooo great

But now I see that you are not
a spokesman for all humanity,
for my friends are few but loyal, your friends don't really matter to this poem so much
sticking by me through the hardest times.

And you?
One day you will fall down during
your unfunny drunken antics
and your friends will walk right over you.

No one will notice you or stop to help,
because it is not you they love,
but the bottles in their hands. Unless he's supplying the beer, this doesn't really make sense
And when the beer goggles come off,
they will see you and run,
for nobody truely wants to be with you.

Hey! I actually really liked this. Kinda a kick in the face to that drunken Drew guy- who was obviously a douc... er, not nice person.

This was simple, but good. A clear message, well conveyed. It was easy to read, and had a good flow. My only problem was the word "unfunny." C'mon, you're obviously clever. Think of something a little better.

I don't really see anything in desperate need of fixing- good job! Keep writing awesome stuff like this.

-Tori

Ugh! I got so mad when I was reading this! Boys like Drew are the problem with society! They get called "playas" and girls get called sluts.
Okay, rant over. That said, the fact that I felt emotion while reading your poem is good. I liked the last verse especially. Justice! Good job.
Keep writing! Maybe about happier things next time!

I like this. I can just feel the anger in it. Good job.

I like this. I can just feel the anger in it. Good job.

I like this. I can just feel the anger in it. Good job.

This is an AMAZING poem, and I can't think of anything to critique. I loved the topic and I also loved the vibe. Anger. Confidence (Towards the end). Although there wasn't a lot of imagery, I was still painting a picture in my head. Please keep writing!