This isn't the best thing I've ever written. I'll say that right off. The basis for this is a conversation my friend Dane and I had one night when we were drinking in his apartment. The subject of it was our friend Nick's little brother, who is severely handicapped, and how jealous we are of him. I just sort of went on off of that. It's not that great, though.
Rated 18+ for language and drug references
My mama always made me watch my two kid brothers on Friday afternoons, since she had to work and they got out of school a couple hours early. I felt kind of bad for her, honestly, since she was raising them all on her own and all. Watching the kids one day a week was the least I could do.
I picked the boys up from school and stopped at the market on the way to their house, since I had to pick up a couple things for dinner. Fridays were always my nights to make dinner. I lived downtown, in the Yellow Apartments, with a couple of buddies. It was a pretty good deal, I thought, splitting the rent between three guys. I only work part time at Ace, so it’s not like I could’ve ever paid for the whole thing all by myself. I’m still in school, after all, and I really want to make sure I actually graduate, since nobody else in my family really has.
When I was checking out, the cashier lady eyed me a little weirdly. She had fizzy brown hair, pulled back into a greasy ponytail. I always wonder why some chicks just don’t take care of themselves better, especially when they’re getting all old looking like that.
“Your total’s thirty-six dollars and eighty-seven cents,” she said, then paused for a second. “Sorry, but… Are those yours?”
It took me a moment to realize she was talking about the boys. I shook my head real quickly. “Oh, no, no, no. They’re my kid brothers. I’m only seventeen, you see.”
“Oh, alright.” She looked kind of uncomfortable. “Well, you never know…”
I just gave her a friendly, big ole smile and said: “It’s all good, ma’am. Thank yah.” I grabbed my bags and walked out to my truck, the boys following behind. After we were all situated and everything, I moved the rearview window around so I could get a better view of my face. Did I really look that old? Old enough to have a couple of kids?
“Tony!” said one of the boys, the older one. “Let’s get outa here! I don’t wanna spend my whole day in the stupid parkin’ lot!”
I ran my hand across the thin layer of stubble growing across my face one last time. “A’ight, a’ight. Keep your pants on. I’ll have you all home in a second.”
My mama came home at five-fifteen, just like she did every day. I’d cleaned up the house a bit for her, like done the dishes and all. I didn’t really bother vacuuming or anything, since the dirt was practically cemented to the floor anyway.
“How’s it goin’, Baby?” she asked, setting some grocery bags down on the kitchen counter.
“Same old, same old. Just takin’ it easy. You doin’ a’right?”
She shrugged. “Doin’ as good as it gets, I supposed. Saw Nicholas at work today.”
“Really?” Nick was one of the guys I roomed with. He hadn’t been home in a couple days, as far as I knew. My other buddy hadn’t seen him, either. “What’s his deal?”
“I dunno. He just told me that he’d been tryin’ to call my house for a couple days, to get a hold of you or somethin’. Not like I’d ever notice though – you know me, I never answer that damned thing.”
“Is that all? Didn’t say why he been callin’ me?”
“Nah, just said he was at his mom’s. And that he wanted you to stop by for a minute and all.”
“Huh,” I said aloud. “Weird. Guess I’ll stop by there tonight.”
“Sounds like a plan. You stickin’ around for dinner?”
“Nah, Friday’s my dinner night, you know that.” I grabbed my jacket and took a couple steps towards the door.
“I always forget about that one… Well, thanks again, Baby. Take care. I love you.”
“Love you too, Mama.” And then I left the house and sort of jogged out towards my truck. It kind of creeped me out that Nick was pulling that kind of a stunt. Rent was coming up soon, and I’d be dead if Nick decided to woos out at the last minute and not pay his stupid rent. His mom’s house is in the next town over, and I sped the whole way there.
He was sitting right out on the front step smoking a cigarette when I got there.
“What up, Scucci?” he said, smiling. He had sort of a goofy smile with big, goofy teeth.
“Not shit. Heard you been talkin’ to my mama, though.”
“Yuh, was just hopin’ she’d talk you into payin’ me a visit and all. Guess it worked.”
I laughed for a second. “So what’s the deal? You staying with your mom now or what?”
“Just for the rest of the weekend. She went with that stupid guy of hers to visit my sister up in fuckin’ Canada. Made me watch the retard while they’s gone.” He looked angry, and took a long drag on his cig.
“Oh yeah? Where’s he?”
“Inside. Watchin’ Mickey Mouse Club or somethin’.”
“I’m’a go check on him, a’ight?”
Nick shrugged. “Whatever, Mayne.”
Nick’s retard brother Don was standing in the middle of the living room floor right in front of the television, watching the ludicrous characters dance across the screen. He was almost trying to dance with them, but he looked like he was having some kind of a seizure or something. I’ve always been strangely drawn to that guy, but I didn’t really know why. He hardly ever talked, except for a few grunts or screams. He took off his clothes in public a lot, too, especially in school. I felt especially sore for Nick, though, since he was stuck at home watching the guy.
I walked back outside. Nick was stamping out the butt of his cigarette in their gravel driveway.
“You leavin’ already?” he asked.
“Yeah. I still gotta make dinner and all.”
“Oh, right. You really keep on those little schedules, huh? But tell that queer roommate of ours I say “hey” and that I’ll be home soon and all.”
I tilted the brim of my cap up and started walking away towards my truck. “Will do.”
“Later, Mayne.”
My other roommate, Dane, was in the shower when I got back to the apartment. I started cooking dinner: a couple of steaks. We liked to eat good, none of that nasty ramen crap.
I set our little card table for the two of us. With little paper towels, two cans of beer, and clean steak knives. I felt like some rich smuggler, eating big kid food in a big kid house. It was almost like I was some little girl playing house, though.
Dane came out of the bathroom in a pair of black boxers. He was one of the skinniest kid’s I’d ever seen. He didn’t eat much of anything except meat, he only drank beer, and he didn’t seem to ever really sleep.
“What’s going on, son?” he said, sitting at the table and starting to slice up his steak.
“Not shit. You do anything today?”
He shook his head. His eyes always sort of bulged out of his head. “Just workin’, you know how I do… What about you? How’re the babies?”
“Just fine.” I took a bite and chewed it a bit. “I seen Nick today.”
“Really?” he looked surprised. “What the hell’s that queer doin’?”
“Stuck at home with the retard.”
I could see Dane sort of tighten his grip on his can. “Kinda pisses me off when you talk about Donny like that, ya know…”
“I get it. Sorry.”
“I think it’d be easier to be like him. I mean, look at the guy! He’s a fucking beast! But he don’t have to do shit. If he was in my family, they’d be puttin’ him in the casino, makin’ him fight… His folks’d make him do that if he wasn’t all brain-funky.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s true.”
We didn’t really talk about Don again until later in the night. Dane doesn’t spend too much of his life sober – the bruises on his arms sort of confirm this – but I hadn’t seen him that drunk in a while. He’d downed a whole eighteen pack, which is pretty difficult for a small skinny guy like him.
“God, I just fuckin’ love Donny,” he said. “I mean everything. Those stupid shows he watches. The dorky shirts he wears. The way he jacks off in public. He’s the biggest bad ass I know! That nig ain’t never gonna grow up!”
“I suppose so.” I didn’t have too much to say. I don’t really drink all that much. I like to keep my mind clear.
“He’s gold forever. You know what? I’m jealous of that fucker. He doesn’t have to worry about rent or the cops or nothin’. He just has to worry about not shittin’ his pants. Hell, if my folks got all happy if I just didn’t shit my pants, I’d be happier ‘n a pea in a pod!”
I didn’t even bother to tell him he’d gotten the expression wrong ‘cause, right then, the guy burst out crying all over the place.
“What the hell, man?” I jumped up from the couch, since it was actually scary seeing a grown man cry and all.
“My folk’s ain’t happy with none of the shit I done… They ain’t gonna be happy with none of it… I’m twenty four and I ain’t graduated high school… I ain’t ever gonna… They gone blown all their money on sendin’ me to Detox… And I fuckin’ relapse. I done wasted all their money. And look at yourself, Tony! What the Hell are you doin’? Kickin’ it with a bunch of fuckin’ tweakers! You’re fuckin’ seventeen! Slow the hell down, man.”
He sniffled a bit before throwing his half empty beer against the nearest wall. I didn’t really move, ‘cause I was terrified and all. I didn’t know what he’d do next. I mean, he could easily go from sitting on the couch crying to holding me up against the wall, a knife at my neck…
“Just needa stay gold, Tony… Fuckin’ stay gold.” He reached a skinny, bruised arm out towards me, and then collapsed on the couch.
It took a couple minutes for my breathing to slow down back to normal again. “Dane? Dane? You alright, man?” I sort of patted his temple with the palm of my hand, but he didn’t move at all. “Dane?” I leapt across the couch, straight-up shaking him. “Wake the fuck up! Wake up! Wake up! I don’t wanna be alone in this god damn house!” I felt his pulse, and it was quicker than it should be, I knew. “What the fuck’s wrong with you?” I asked him, slapping him across the face again. Then I jumped up, running into the kitchenette, scrambling around for the box of prescription medications.
“Where the fucks the OD packet?” I yelled across the room at him as I dumped the box out all over the floor. “Where the fuck did you put it, you fuckin’ tweaker?” I found the most random pill bottles – Adderall, morphine, everything you’d think of. But those damned tweakers didn’t have anything for OD’s.
We didn’t have a phone in our apartment, and neither of us had a cellular, so I had to run across the way to the apartment next door. The lady who owned it wasn’t big on all of us living next door, so I wasn’t surprised when she kept the chain lock clasped on the door, so when she opened it I could only see a thin line of her face.
“It’s eight oh clock. Time to calm down. Get the fuck back in your own apartment or I’ll call the police,” she said.
“Please, ma’am! Stop!” I through my hand in between the crack of the door and she slammed it on my hand, but at least it kept it open. “Lemme in! My buddy… My buddy… He’s OD’d! He needs an ambulance, or somethin’!”
“Get the fuck back!”
“Please… “ I could feel the tears running down my cheeks. I must’ve looked pretty pitiful, ‘cause she shoved a phone through the crack.
“If you run off with the thing it won’t even work. And I’ll call the cops.”
“Don’t worry… Don’t worry… I just gotta call the hospital…”
The ambulance came only about fifteen minutes later. By then, Dane was puking and seizuring all over the floor. I was scared shitless, hiding in the bathroom. The people said he’d be all right, but his brain was going to be rattled a little bit. I doubt I’d ever be able to tell the difference, though, since it was pretty rattled to begin with.
I just sat on the couch, watching one of the only channels we actually got on the television, crying and shaking. It wasn’t the way I thought it’d be. I’d only been out on my own a couple months… And one of my buddies was already half dead. Who knew if he’d even chip in to pay the rent that month. Probably wouldn’t be able to afford it, what with all the medical bills he’d be getting.
There was a knock at the door at some point. I didn’t even bother to go up and open it – it was unlocked anyway – but I was pretty surprised to see my mom and Nick walk into the room.
“Y’all heard, I’m assumin’?” I asked them, not moving from where I was sitting on the couch.
“He’ll be alright,” said Nick, sitting next to me. “He’s awake now. He called me. I called your mama and had her drive me down here. It’s scary as fuck though. Really makes you think.”
“Yeah, I know. I been doin’ a lot of thinkin’. How the hell are we gonna pay rent.”
He looked pretty uncomfortable. “I’m thinkin’ ‘bout just kickin’ it at my mom’s for a while. It’s in a better position, you know? For dealin’ and all.”
I didn’t even try to hide how pissed I was. “Fuck it.”
And that’s the last thing I ever said to that guy. I just got into my goddamned truck and drove back down to my mom’s house. I been there for a couple weeks now, and I’m happier’n I been for a few months. I’m a kid again, caring about writing some stupid essay instead of worrying about how I’m going to make my rent. I’m crazy for ever trying to make it on my own, for trying to cover up the splendor of youth. But now I'm gold again. Almost as gold as good ole Donny.
