Cruel Eyes Ch-2

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I woke up to gentle fingers brushing my hair from my face. I trued to sit up, wincing when pain shot up my body. "Lay down." A male voice said and softly pushed me down into the pillows. I looked meeting his teal eyes. "W-who are you?" I said, stumbling over my words. I didn't really care who he was, what I really wanted to know was how I was alive.
"Your not. You are dead." He said as if reading my mind. I stared at him, noticing how his shoulder length black hair fell in his eyes though he kept brushing it away.
"You didn't answer my question." I stared.
"You didn't want me to." He retorted. I stared at him for for several long minutes. Before he finally said, "Kaleb." He sighed seeing my look of confusion. "That's my name, Kaleb Marks." I nodded.
"I'm Vendela." I said.
"I know." He chuckled. For some reason that really pissed me off. It was like he was laughing at me, at my ignorance to his knowledge.
I crossed my arms and glared at the corner, I knew I was acting childish but I couldn't bring myself to care. "I thought you would be eager to know why your breathing, but i guess not. Saves me a lot of explaining." He muttered under his breath, sparking my interest."Well-" I paused for a moment. "Maybe I a am a little curious. For starters, I'd love to know where I am exactly." I said, looking around the room for the first time. It was large with cream colored walls. It had the basic bedroom items, wooden dresser, mirror, king size bed, night stand, and a desk with a computer. But there was other things in to room that seemed out of place, work-out abutment pushed into a corner, a set of drum sticks on top of the dresser, candy wrappers, loose paper, and CD's littered the floor. I also noticed the the bed sheets, the ones i was laying under, where from Transformers.
"Your in Hell of course." Kaleb said, snickering at my horrified expression. "Kidding, kidding! Gosh, you take things way to serious." He grumbled. "Sorry, but if you haven't noticed, I'm dead! So excuse me for not being in the laughing mood!" I snapped at him. He seemed unfazed by my sudden out-burst and continued to talk. "Actually, your on Earth. San Francisco to be exact." For some reason this surprised me. Okay, I'm a ghost. I thought to myself. "Not a got, but a Witch." He said, and again I wondered if he could read my mind. "When people die they change destinies. Girls become Witches, and boys to Warlocks. Though its not Hell, its pretty damn close, being stuck on Earth for eternity." He paused to take in my expression before continuing.
"Not everyone survives the change of this immortal destiny. In fact most die, their soul going into the place officially named Hell. For those who do survive, their soul is reborn into another body, but that's an entirely different story. We are immortals, soulless animals that are meant to protect humans from evil spirits." He paused again. My head was pounding with a migraine, but i didn't complain. I wanted to hear more about my new life. My immortal life?
"These spirits are call The Removers, because they remove human souls and, for lack of other words, eat the soul. They aren't invisible beings or black orbs, like most people think of when they hear 'evil spirit'.
these creatures look almost human. There eyes are huge and completely white and if you look at them in the right angle you can see almost tribal-like markings." I looked at his eyes, bright teal.
"So let me get this strait. I'm an immortal Witch now, supposed to protect humans from The Removers?" I said, mauling over the facts. Kaleb nodded, black hair falling into his face. For the first time i noticed how beautiful he was, face all sharp angles, perfect chestnut colored skin. In one word, he was gorgeous. Almost other-worldly beauty, witch I guess he was.
"Um, I'll give you time to think this over." He said, and I realized i had been gawking. My cheeks turned bright red and I looked away, now afraid to meet his eyes. "I'll check on you in a few hours. If you need anything, yell." And with that he walked out of the room, leaving me alone. I wanted to asked him to stay with me, to not leave me here alone, but that sounded selfish and I my cheeks were already burning crimson. So, instead, i laid back and stared at the ceiling, which was the same cream color as the walls, thinking about all the wonderful possibilities of immortality. And coming up with none.




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Hey, Teardrop here!

First of all, you should check this article out about punctuation within dialogue. topic44898.html

RissaLately wrote:"Your not. You are dead." He said as if reading my mind. I stared at him, noticing how his shoulder length black hair fell in his eyes though he kept brushing it away.
Your should be "You're" Also, try and avoid run on sentences!

Also, I thought you could have added a lot more depth, emotion and length to this chapter. Make sure you go over your work to make sure you have correct punctuation. Also, be sure to make sure you don't confuse "you're with your" etc. Keep that in mind. : )

Anyway, I enjoyed reading! Keep writing!

~Teardrop
And are the doctors dancing in, while the ambulances sing. Another boy without a sharper knife. The moment, that's where I kill the conversation, wrap this up with a knife that loves to feel. How do you know how deep to go before it's real?
- Yeah Boy And Doll Face ~ Pierce The Veil




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Hey Rissa! I noticed you only have 1 comment, so although I haven't read your first chapter, I'll go ahead and review by what I see :)
Here I go!

RissaLately wrote:I trued to sit up, wincing when pain shot up my body.

Lol, I think you meant tried*

RissaLately wrote:I looked meeting his teal eyes.

Looked where? Up, down, left,right?

RissaLately wrote:"Your not. You are dead."

*You're

RissaLately wrote:"You didn't want me to." He retorted.

I also suggest you take a look at Teardrop's link for dialogue punctuation. 'Cause in this example, there would a comma instead of a dot and "He" would not be capitalized. I'm not very good at explaining these things, so I'll just let you check out the link ;)

RissaLately wrote:I stared at him for for several long minutes, Bbefore he finally said, "Kaleb." He sighed seeing my look of confusion. "That's my name:, Kaleb Marks." I nodded.


RissaLately wrote:I crossed my arms and glared at the corner, I knew I was acting childish but I couldn't bring myself to care.

I don't understand what you mean when you say "at the corner". Also, I suggest you replace your comma with a dot to separate this sentence in two; your sentence reflets different ideas/info and so shouldn't be in the same sentence.

RissaLately wrote:"I thought you would be eager to know why your breathing, but i guess not. Saves me a lot of explaining."

*you're

RissaLately wrote:But there waswere other things in tothe room that seemed out of place, work-out abutment pushed into a corner, a set of drum sticks on top of the dresser, candy wrappers, loose paper, and CD's littered the floor.

*CDs

RissaLately wrote:I also noticed the the bed sheets, the ones i was laying under, where from Transformers.

Don't forget to capitalize "I"

RissaLately wrote:I crossed my arms and glared at the corner, I knew I was acting childish but I couldn't bring myself to care."I thought you would be eager to know why your breathing, but i guess not. Saves me a lot of explaining." He muttered under his breath, sparking my interest."Well-" I paused for a moment. "Maybe I a am a little curious. For starters, I'd love to know where I am exactly." I said, looking around the room for the first time. It was large with cream colored walls. It had the basic bedroom items, wooden dresser, mirror, king size bed, night stand, and a desk with a computer. But there was other things in to room that seemed out of place, work-out abutment pushed into a corner, a set of drum sticks on top of the dresser, candy wrappers, loose paper, and CD's littered the floor. I also noticed the the bed sheets, the ones i was laying under, where from Transformers.

Okay, the parts that are in pink are from your main character (MC) and the ones in blue from Kaleb. These parts need to be separated because they can seriously confuse the reader. (They confused me) When one character is talking and then the other starts talking, they need to be in a different paragraph. It's the same when they are doing an action. So the first pink part is one paragraph, the blue part is another and the second pink part is another paragraph. If you don't separate them, it makes it seem like your MC is the one talking the entire time, and not Kaleb as well.

RissaLately wrote:"Your in Hell of course."

*You're

RissaLately wrote:"Actually, your on Earth. San Francisco to be exact." For some reason, this surprised me.

*you're (I think you'll really need to watch your "your/you're"

RissaLately wrote:"Not a got, but a Witch."

*ghost

RissaLately wrote:"These spirits are called The Removers, because they remove human souls and, for lack of other words, eat the soul. They aren't invisible beings or black orbs, like most people think of when they hear 'evil spirit'.
tThese creatures look almost human. ThereTheir eyes are huge and completely white and if you look at them in the right angle, you can see almost tribal-like markings." I looked at his eyes, bright teal.


RissaLately wrote:"So let me get this strait. I'm an immortal Witch now, supposed to protect humans from The Removers?" I said, mauling over the facts. Kaleb nodded, black hair falling into his face. For the first time i noticed how beautiful he was, face all sharp angles, perfect chestnut colored skin. In one word, he was gorgeous. Almost other-worldly beauty, witch I guess he was.

*straight
**which

RissaLately wrote:I wanted to asked him to stay with me, to not leave me here alone, but that sounded selfish and I my cheeks were already burning crimson.


RissaLately wrote:So, instead, i laid back and stared at the ceiling, which was the same cream color as the walls, thinking about all the wonderful possibilities of immortality. And coming up with none.

Nothing wrong, I just liked this part :)

All right. Sorry for all the nit-picks, but hey, it's only to help you ;)
So I don't know what happened before, so I'm basing myself on this chapter alone.
First thing I noticed; your MC is wayyy too trusting. Even if she did have an accident or whatever and thinks she's dead, she's awfully trusting to this complete stranger. I believe, if I were in her shoes, I'd be seriously freaking out. I mean, #1: she's dead (or so he says), #2: she doesn't know this dude and #3: she doesn't really know where she is. I'd be way more panicky that she seems to be. Even if she doesn't physically show it, at least let us see it in her thougths.

And that's basically all I have to say. Your story plot seems rather interesting; I like hell/heaven things, so pretty cool :D
With enough work, this could be pretty darn good :D
Keep writing!
Spitfire
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".



You flare, you flicker, you fade... And in the end, all your tomorrows become yesterdays.
— Megatron (Lost Light, by Roberts, Lawrence, Lafuente)