A slightly immoral Cynics Rapture

A slightly immoral cynics Rapture

Spoiler

This poem has a form. This form is called a Sestina. Basically I started with six words; end, cynic, faith, red, holy and crumble, and I then have to put those words at the end of each line, based on a predetermined structure, e.g. stanza 1 has the order of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and stanza 2 has the structure of 6, 1, 5, 2, 4, 3 and so on. The final stanza combines 2 words per line, this is called an envoy.

No consolance for those close to the end.
For they were doubters, those like the cynic,
Or even some of pure heart, hindered by misplaced faith.
Between the two, only the foremost embraces the world of red.
An unfamiliar sensation, yet undoubtedly holy
Striking your temple of desire, causing hopes and dreams to crumble.

Leaving his temple of desire allows him to see society crumble.
Without a doubt, he knew this was the end.
How could a thing of such destruction be called holy?
Masses had been left behind to bear witness. Being a cynic,
This was no surprise. Thoughts trapped, lying in a red
Sea, gives him time to see the lies within those proclaiming false faith.

Grieving men, their sorrow compounded as they once had faith,
Only to lose it before their time was up, the irony of it causing many to crumble
On the spot. Breaking down into savages, oozing red
Bloodlust. Why not pillage, rape and murder when the end
Is nigh. One certain cynic
However, has his mind on one thing. Holy.

No, not that kind of holy.
Holly, the only one who had, and will have faith
In me. Yes me, the cynic,
Caring nothing about all else, my heart is yet to crumble.
Though it would if I met my end
Before seeing her, kissing me with her lips of red.

My mind, rarely static, is now settled on meeting my end.
Fuck destiny, fuck the big plan, oh, excuse me your holy.
Or maybe I’m already painting the picture, brilliant hues of red
No longer in anger, but burning faith,
Instead. She would still be there, my resolve shall not crumble.
I pass a man with a sign reading – “There is no hope” - , oh, what a cynic.

I stride past everything, even leaving my cynic –
Al mind-state behind. The dominant sea of red
Sweeps me onto her doorstep. Her house, unlike most, is yet to crumble,
Standing still and serene, it emits something holy.
Inside my beliefs are tested, by a bearded man of faith,
His all knowing eyes, filled with all known emotions, feeling the end.

In those eyes I could see the cynic within the Holy
Raw and ruthless, bleeding red love, still standing strong by his own faith.
And suddenly, everything crumble’s inwards, without enough time to even comprehend the end.

Spoiler

Oh and for anyone who dosent know what the rapture is its basically when god deciedes who goes to heaven and who goes to hell.. google it if you want anything more specific then that..

sestinas are desperately tricky to pull off and it seems like you've got the basics down. This sestina seems a bit different from the form I learned, but that's okay, there's probably a ton of variations. One of the most effective sestinas I ever saw used only one word lines, repeated and rearranged. It was neat. Anyway, it's hard to critique stuff that exists in such a rigid form, but for now my suggestions include:

1. You do not need to capitalize the first word of every line.
unless there is a period on the line before it! It is not different from prose. Capitalize each new sentence.

2. Condense
There is always room to trim. Use active voice, strong verbs and limit adjective and adverbs.

3. Read
you should always be doing this. (yes I am telling you what to do)

hope this helped.

best,

That's kind of cool that you were able to do that with just six words. Perhaps I should try this:)

I think it was a great poem, but I would have to agree with the reviewer before me, you need to condense to make it more of a poem and less of a short story. I personally think capitalizing lines in poems is fine and I do it all the time. I know Word automatically does it for you and I usually just leave it.

Your explanation of the style kind of confused me. Your style seems to be that every line is six lines, but then the last one is three. Is that part of the style you explained? If not then I think you should add three more lines to make the last line even with the others. But if it is part of the style and I just didn't understand what you said, disregard this.

The last thing I would mention is the way you parted your lines and stanzas. I think the six lines each is great but usually poems end their lines in a certain spot (such as the end of a sentence). You seem to keep two separate sentences in the same line. I think it doesn't make it look as nice and in good poetry format.

Great grammar there. I have absolutely nothing to quote:)

You're an amazing poetry writer and I hope to read one of your works again!