Meant to Be (part 1 of 3)

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Before I begin, I should probably tell you why this short story is being told in three parts. I am writing this as a project for my English class, but because of the program that my class is enrolled in (Writers in Electronic Residence - has anyone heard of it?), I have to write it in three sections. This is the first section, which will be followed by the next one as soon as I am finished with it (hopefully I will finish it this weekend). Anyway, I would love to hear your thoughts on this part of the story!


Meant to Be (part 1 of 3)

“Pierce, you should eat something. You need to keep up your strength today.” Phoebe said, holding out a plate with an apple and a sandwich. She smiled encouragingly at him in the way that she always did.

“Thanks, but I’m not hungry, Aunt Phoebe.” Pierce replied. “I’ll eat later.”

Pierce sat at the kitchen table, waiting for his uncle. He didn’t understand why his uncle would suddenly need to speak with him, but Pierce had always respected him and trusted that there was good reason for this sudden meeting. After a moment, Pierce could hear footsteps coming down the hall towards the kitchen. Aunt Phoebe smiled at him again, but sadly this time, then went out into the hallway.

His Uncle Nathan came into the room, his long stride allowing him to cross the room in impossibly few steps. Nathan was a tall man with graying hair; his arms tanned from hours spent working in the sun. He was one of those people who always seemed to completely fill a space, no matter how big, thought Pierce. Pierce was getting lost in his own thoughts when his uncle sat down and began to speak, pulling him back to the scene before him.

“Son, I suppose you’re wondering why I wanted to talk to you.” Nathan paused for a moment, and took a deep breath. “Well, I won’t make you wait any longer. Last week, I realized that you have grown up. There just isn’t anything else that I can teach you. Your Aunt Phoebe and I are getting older, and taking care of an extra person is becoming hard on us.”

“What are you saying?” Pierce asked, heart racing. He noticed that he was wringing his hands, something that he only did when he was nervous. But why was he nervous? His Aunt and Uncle had cared for him from the time he was two years old. He had never lacked for food, clothing, or advice. Still, something in the tone of Nathan’s voice was strange, different than he had ever heard it. The worn wood of the chair suddenly felt hard, almost unbearably so. Pierce wanted to run out of the room and never hear the end of what his uncle was about to tell him.

“I’m saying that there is no longer a place for you in this house. Two lions cannot share the same territory,” he said, shrugging. “Goodbye, Pierce.” With that, Nathan stood up, walking out of the room.

For several minutes, Pierce stayed at the table, unmoving. He had no idea what he would do now, or if his uncle was even serious. Pierce’s mind was racing, but somehow he was not thinking. Goodbye Pierce. The words echoed through him, penetrating every part of him. He felt weak, like he was no longer in control of his body, like the table was a prison from which he could not escape.

When he finally extricated himself from the table, he looked over at the doorway. There was a backpack sitting there, his backpack. But he did not remember bringing it down from his room. Strange, Pierce thought.

He walked to where his backpack was, and picked it up. It was full. When Pierce looked inside, he saw that everything inside of it belonged to him - the picture of his parents, a copy of his favorite book, and his wallet. There was also food, sandwiches, cookies and fruit. This was real, he thought, there was no going back from this.

With that thought firmly in his mind, Pierce turned and walked down the hall. He grabbed his coat and went out the front door.
Last edited by Alz on Sun Apr 17, 2011 7:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

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Hi there!
I'm quite the beginner at reviewing but I'll try to do my best.
Here are some suggestions with my edits in red:

Aunt Phoebe smiled at him again, but sadly this time, then went out into the hallway.
Aunt Phoebe smiled at him again, but sadly this time, before walking out into the hallway.

Pierce was getting lost in his own thoughts when his uncle sat down and began to speak, pulling him back to the scene before him.
Pierce was getting lost in his own thoughts when his uncle sat down and began to speak, pulling him back to reality.

“What are you saying?” Pierce asked, heart racing.
“What are you saying?” Pierce asked, his heart racing.


So far I like the story, even though there isn't much background on Pierce's life, such as why he lives with his aunt and uncle, who are his real parents, his location, etcetera. You could try adding some of that in, which would build Pierce's character more.
Another thing is to write a character's thoughts in italics, which helps define the difference.
I'll be looking forward to reading the next part!

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I like to review as I go so hear it is and I'll give a general impression when I'm done

It's so sad that his own uncle would kick him out! He should wait until he's older and ready to go. What a rude way to ask someone to leave


Ok, I'm done, I reaize it was shorter than I anticipated but it is 1 of 3. You left me wondering what he's going to do. Where is he going to go. Does he have a job to be able to pay for himself. I hope when I read the other parts my questions will be answered. At least his aunt and uncle were nice enough to pack him a bag but I don't understand why his aunt and uncle cared if he lived there as long as he payed them rent. But I get it, that's the story, and I'll just have to wait and see what happens. You are a wonderful writer. "Follow"




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Hey there!

As a start to a story, this isn't too bad. It's left me with lots of unanswered questions, which is good I guess, as it makes me want to read on.

You write well and my attention didn't waver, which is always a good thing. I did notice a few mistakes though.

You need to keep up your strength today.” Phoebe said


“Thanks, but I’m not hungry, Aunt Phoebe.” Pierce replied.


In both of the sentences quoted above, the full stops need to be commas. E.g -

'“Thanks, but I’m not hungry, Aunt Phoebe,” Pierce replied.'

There was also food, sandwiches, cookies and fruit.


The comma after 'food' would be better as a semi-colon.

***

So, I think this has potential. Pierce has just been told that he has to move out and I'm wondering what's going to happen next.

I do think this piece is a little bit rushed. For example, the part where his uncle tells him he has to leave is too blunt. Not only is the reader left thinking, 'How harsh was that!', but we're also left confused. If his uncle has been so kind to him since he was young, then I'd expect him to be kind about it. Not just 'You have to move out. Bye.' There isn't even much reasoning behind why he has to go, apart from the fact that he's grown up and can stand on his own two feet so to speak. If I was Pierce, I'd be in total shock. You do touch on some good thoughts and feelings, but you could definitely expand on them. Is he hurt? Angry? Upset? Confused? Show us how he's feeling. Give us some of his thoughts and show us his thought process. Is he scared about what's going to happen next? More detail will help us to relate to him more and it'll make him seem more human. Afterall, emotions are what make us human.

I'm intrigued and am planning on reading on to see where you take this :)

I hope this helps!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.



A person is more than their experiences, stacked up like stones... Our best moments are the foundations we use to reach for the sky.
— Yumi and the Nightmare Painter by Brandon Sanderson