Chapter 4 - The Rythincolt

If you enjoy reading Okrol's story, please click the link below to see my compositions for him.
http://www.youtube.com/user/MagixMusicM ... EA601F0D75

Okrol didn't spend long in the inn's small bedroom. He waited only five minutes before departing. He slowly opened the light green door. The inn was small as far as he could see; not much bigger than his house. On the top floor, where Okrol was standing, there were four doors including his own. Everything was dusty: the brown outside of the doors, the bare, wooden floor, the walls, even the ceiling was full of it.
Okrol started towards a narrow, uneven staircase directly in-front of where he was standing.
“And where do you think you're going?” Pam said sternly as she quietly shut the door to Mr and Mrs Blunda's room.
“I was just going down for a while. I've been stuck in that room for ages now.” he said, a slight hint of defensiveness in his tone.
“You should be in bed, resting that head of yours.” she insisted. “Come on, back in with you.” she said, putting an arm around Okrol's back, directing him back the way he'd come.
“Ah, Okrol.” It was Arboar, ascending the stairs. “I had hoped you'd be coming down soon. I thought me and you would take a stroll into Lampito; see what we can get from the herbalist, see if they've got anything for that bald patch.” Arboar finished. Pam looked at Okrol.
“Very well. I hope you find all you're looking for in Lampito. Take care, Okrol.” she said, disapprovingly.

Okrol liked Pam, but wanted to get out of the small inn and explore. The only place he had ever been before was his home town of Greygoff and the hills that surrounded it. The farthest he'd been from the pleasant little houses was where the road ascended over the mountain tops, from there, Lampito was just a small mass of black dots.

Okrol descended the staircase gratefully after Arboar, taking care not to fall on the uneven steps that led down to a small 'lobby'. Downstairs there were only two rooms that Okrol could see: the lounge and a small dining room. Okrol couldn't see into the rooms as their doors were shut. The doors were neatly engraved to make labels, discerning what lay behind them. On the wall was a picture of what looked like Pam, but a younger, prettier version; made up and wearing the most luscious jewellery. A sapphire necklace hung around her neck, matching her navy blue dress. She was beautiful and reminded Okrol very much of Herley.

The front door to the inn was wooden. Unlike the inn's usual look, the front door's wood shimmered under its many layers of polish. Its rich brown texture loomed over the whole of the hallway, cancelling out the rancid dust that hung lazily from the top of the door-frames to the other rooms.
“We'll be back before evening.” Arboar called up to Pam, who, to neither of their knowledge, was standing on the landing outside Okrol's room, waiting for them to depart before she made her call to the chief of the Zarphic Desert clans, and earned her prize.
“That's fine.” she called back pleasantly. She heard the front door shut behind them before the sound of the dusty old door she was standing in-front of opened at her touch. The devious dust entered Okrol's room at her heels, gliding over the floor as she did.

The sun burned hot on Okrol's face, yet refreshed him. He was used to the protection from the mountain range that surrounded his home. This new place was different; there was no protection from the friendly mounts and he felt – exposed.

Market salesmen and entertainers performed their crafts as Okrol and Arboar walked past slowly.
“I see you've taken a fancy to that young lady at the inn.” Arboar said, smiling.
Okrol said nothing but returned the smile.
“We have a long journey ahead of us, Okrol. I've brought you out today so that we may talk without the people at the inn listening in.” Arboar said, looking down at Okrol from inside his handsome wear.
“What is it you wish to talk to me about, sir?” asked Okrol, curious.
“About your father and his work.” returned Arboar plainly. “I told you last night about your father's job. It's your choice whether you believe me or not.” he finished, looking down at Okrol, a stern expression spread across his face, almost as if he knew Okrol had not believed him the night before. “But here is one fact for you, we, including your parents are the only survivors of the attack on Greygoff. That is what I talked to Pam about earlier. This means that the Riders' attentions are concentrated on us; we are on the run.”

They carried on walking, Arboar letting Okrol take in what he had just said. Okrol was saddened by Arboar's words; all his friends from his childhood, his neighbours, the wonderful, little houses. They were all gone now.

“This is why you must join me, Okrol.” continued Arboar. “So these monstrous people can be stopped and we can put an end to this war once and for all.” he finished.

Something clicked inside Okrol's mind; he realized something. “You're a magician aren't you; you can read minds?” exclaimed Okrol. A broad smile ran across Arboar's face.
“Yes.” he answered.
“That's how you knew I didn't believe you last night about what you said about my father.” said Okrol, the words rolling off his tongue, it all made sense now. Arboar beamed, he was happy Okrol had worked it out on his own, to Arboar, this meant he was ready.
“And you knew I'd taken a fancy to...” Okrol cut himself short, now embarrassed. Arboar carried on smiling cheerfully, beckoning Okrol to go on.
“That's how you knew how I felt about Greygoff.” Okrol finished.
“Yes, Okrol. I can read minds. Unfortunately for you, yours was particularly easy to master. You've never had to repel against anyone, and you don't know how to read the signs when someone has penetrated your mind. So to me, and anyone else learned in the art, you are an easy target.” finished Arboar, sympathetically smiling down at Okrol as they walked the busy streets of the town.

There were more stalls than shops in the marketing town of Lampito. Traders waved their goods willingly at any wealthy looking travellers that walked past. Arboar was stopped many times by different tradesmen on the way to the herbalist's shop which lay right at the back of town. On the way, Okrol looked in awe at the many different weapons the men behind the stalls waved at him. Most men competed with each other to get his attention with a larger, yet lighter model of sword or bow. However there were many weapons in Lampito that Okrol hadn't seen before.
“You don't want to be faffing about with weapons here, Okrol. I'll buy you some decent kit once we arrive at one of the major cities.” said Arboar, growling at a tradesman, who scurried off like a rat, returning to his stall, sneering at Arboar from behind his back.

Pam stood at the browning window in Okrol's room, scouring the town for signs of Okrol and Arboar. She had played her part now; her message had left. It was only a matter of time before she would claim what she deserved.

Okrol and Arboar stopped at a large stall, a white gazebo sheltering it from the intense heat of the preying sun.
“Hello, there.” called an elderly lady from the back of the tent as the two walked in. She wore a heavy dull, dirty blue coat over a stained beige shirt. Her hair had thinned and greyed and curled around her skull, causing a messy labyrinth of old cobweb looking strands to form in clumps. Her eyes matched the ashen fibres on her head, almost all grey; all colour seemed to have wiped away from her iris and a greying, yellow colour dominated the outside.

The old woman was working with her back towards Okrol and Arboar, her puffed, red hands just managing the job. Okrol and Arboar walked around the stall. On the two tables that took up most of the space under the gazebo, were many scrolls which hardly had a crease on their smooth surface.

Though, on their surfaces were beautiful, hand-drawn pictures of different animals that Okrol had only heard of in the fairy tales his mother used to read to him in his small bedroom before kissing him lightly on the head, blowing the bedside candle out and closing the door quietly behind her.
“Would you like to buy one, dear?” the woman asked kindly, finishing her work.
“I was just looking, really.” returned Okrol, politely.
“Oh, well. They're free to look at.” said the woman cheerfully, giving Okrol a kind smile, which he returned before looking back at the beautifully crafted images. The most beautiful of which was on a very large canvas. It was a picture of a Rythincolt, one of Okrol's favourite creatures from the stories. Its light brown, muscular body, in the shape of a big cat. Its feathery angel wings, delicate chocolate coloured imprints, flowing over the front of them in a waxing crescent, spread out from its shoulder blades, making it glide over fluffy clouds on its painted, deep blue background.

Okrol marvelled at the sight. The picture was motionless, but it may as well have been bustling with life. Okrol heard the swift whoosh of the wings as they broke the blue heavens, he felt the fresh, crisp air fill his lungs. He felt the softness of its beautiful fur and its delicate, feathery wings. He was at home with this animal, though he could never touch it, he could never hear its grand roar.

Yet he was at peace.

Hello there! I'm sorry for the delay, but like I told you, I'm a little busy these days. I'm feeling down and absolutely in lack of concentration, so I do hope I'd be helpful this time.

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Okrol didn't spend long in the inn's small bedroom. He waited only five minutes before departing. He slowly opened the light green door.

Those are three very short sentences back to back. Try to merge at least two of them together, like: ((It was only a few more minutes, before he slowly opened the green door and left his dusty green room))
Yet again, why did he open the door slowly? Because he was tired? Or because he didn't want anyone to see him? Think about that and how much you need the word "slow".

...the brown outside of the doors, the bare, wooden floor, the walls, even the ceiling was full of it.

Remove the comma between the words "bare" and "wooden". Because you have many contents that you're listing in the sentence, there are already many commas and putting a comma in the middle of one content, like the bare wooden floor, might confuse the reader. It might make him think you're listing something new after that comma.

Okrol started towards a narrow, uneven staircase directly in-front of where he was standing.

Here, we have a green remark and a red remark:
-I loved the simple, yet simply imaginable description. As always, you push me in the scene perfectly with only a few words.
How is the staircase uneven? I loved the idea that word gave- I loved it very much- but you need to tell me the reason of such unevenness. Was it the steps that were uneven? Was it the very width of the staircase? How was the staircase uneven.

“And where do you think you're going?” Pam said sternly as she quietly shut the door to Mr and Mrs Blunda's room.

-"asked" instead of "said".
-I think it's "of the room" instead of "to the room" here, but I can't say that I'm sure.

for ages now.” he said, a slight hint

Put a comma instead of the period in the end of the quotation.
Remember, when you say "he said/he exclaimed" and any other describing words to explain the former quotation, use a comma to end the quotation, not the period.

that head of yours.” she insisted

Remember the comma and the period rule here ^ And take care of that in the rest of the piece, because the mistake is done repeatedly throughout the chapter.

around Okrol's back, directing him back the way he'd come

You've used "back" twice in that sentence. Even though they mean two different things, it's still prefered to use a word more than once in one sentence. So, you could say: "directing him to his room again" or anything else you prefer. Uh oh! I used "prefer" twice in the same paragraph. ;D

I thought me and you would take a stroll into Lampito; see what we can get

-Remember the subject and object thing I told you about? It should me "I and you would...or...You and I would..." because "I" here is a subject, not an object.
-Also, the semicolon isn't necessary. You could make a new sentence, or even use a comma.

Pam looked at Okrol.

New paragraph here. The paragraph was dedicated to Arboar, so you need a new paragraph if you'll talk about another person.

Okrol liked Pam, but wanted to get out of the small inn and explore. The only place he had ever been before was his home town of Greygoff and the hills that surrounded it. The farthest he'd been from the pleasant little houses was where the road ascended over the mountain tops, from there, Lampito was just a small mass of black dots.

Very very nice. -.- How do you do such a beautiful and brief description. You should teach me.

Okrol descended the staircase gratefully after Arboar

That didn't make much sense to me. Why grateful? How would he descend gratefully? Now, I do understand that he was grateful for going out and exploring, but the reader would wish to know what Okrol was grateful for. I mean, the reader might want to read it in actual words, not only hints.
Maybe you could mention his gratitude in the previous paragraph, like: "And he would be very grateful/happy for the very thought of seeing the town" <-- That was awful, but do you see what I mean?

On the wall was a picture...

New paragraph here.

prettier version; made up and wearing...

The words "made up" confused me. I felt as though they could be removed because they didn't fit in the sentence. Think about it.

cancelling out the rancid dust

"Canceling" instead of "cancelling".

Arboar called up to Pam, who, to neither of their knowledge, was standing on the landing outside Okrol's room, waiting for them to depart before she made her call to the chief of the Zarphic Desert clans, and earned her prize.

I liked that paragraph a lot. It made me interested to read more. But have you noticed that the whole paragraph contains of only one sentence? Break down the sentence to at least two or whatever you see suitable.

The devious dust entered Okrol's room at her heels, gliding over the floor as she did.

-That made me feel as though I missed something. I think you should mention she came up the stairs to his room, because it made me say, "wasn't his room upstairs?"
-I liked the expression "glided over the floor" though.

“About your father and his work.” returned Arboar plainly. “I told you last night about your father's job. It's your choice whether you believe me or not.” he finished, looking down at Okrol, a stern expression spread across his face, almost as if he knew Okrol had not believed him the night before.

Great! Now, that's humane! It's very normal and believable now that Okrol didn't believe Arboar. You're getting better at this. Just don't forget to throw hints of his disbelief in the previous chapter, just to let the reader know.

“Yes, Okrol. I can read minds. Unfortunately for you, yours was particularly easy to master. You've never had to repel against anyone, and you don't know how to read the signs when someone has penetrated your mind. So to me, and anyone else learned in the art, you are an easy target.” finished Arboar, sympathetically smiling down at Okrol as they walked the busy streets of the town.

Very interesting. A weakness point, a not so perfect character. I like that.

looking travellers that walked past

"travelers" instead of "travellers".

Though, on their surfaces were beautiful, hand-drawn pictures of different animals that Okrol had only heard of in the fairy tales his mother used to read to him in his small bedroom before kissing him lightly on the head, blowing the bedside candle out and closing the door quietly behind her.

The whole paragraph contains of only one sentence. Try breaking it up.

The most beautiful of which was...

New paragraph here.

Its feathery angel wings, delicate chocolate coloured imprints, flowing over the front of them in a waxing crescent, spread out from its shoulder blades, making it glide over fluffy clouds on its painted, deep blue background.

That's one magnificent description, but you should break it into two sentences or so. Can't put this beautifully written phrases in one sentence.

Okrol marvelled at the sight. The picture was motionless, but it may as well have been bustling with life.

-Lovely! Don't remove this sentence, ever!
-"Marveled" instead of "marvelled".

Okrol heard the swift whoosh of the wings as they broke the blue heavens, he felt the fresh, crisp air fill his lungs. He felt the softness of its beautiful fur and its delicate, feathery wings. He was at home with this animal, though he could never touch it, he could never hear its grand roar.

Hang on now. Even though your words are amazingly put here, but I didn't understand if the animal was truly flying in the sky or it was Okrol's imagination. Was it the vividness of the pictures that caused that? If it's imagination, you need to make that clear.
For instance, instead of "Okrol heard the swift whoosh" make it something like "he could almost hear the swift whoosh of its wings, even though he knew it was still a motionless picture."
Pardon me for my uncreative examples, but like I said, I lack concentration.

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Is the chapter already over? That's a shame because I wish to read more! I loved it, even though I say that about every other chapter. It's true how I truly believe in the flowing talent you're granted. Practice more and you'll do even better.

Yet again, I have two remarks:
1-The reward Pam thought about and waited for was something that was both interesting and foggy. I think you should explain tiny things about that reward: Who promised it for example? A hint of why they promised it. Little details that won't ruin the mystery, but won't leave us ignorant. I did like the strange and sudden twist in Pam's character here. You played with our minds and I always like that, as long as the author takes my mind seriously.

2-I couldn't help but wonder about that war and fights going around between people in your novel. The two town that are fighting here, we don't know many things about them. I know you threw basics in the first chapter, but we need to know why the wars really began or details about those fights. Reading this novel is like I do participate in the fight, but you wouldn't get in a fight unless you know why it's happening. Such details are essential things that you need to show from the first chapter and throughout your novel. It isn't the sort of detail that should be left to keep a mystery going, but it's a reason for Okrol being your protagonist. We need to understand why people are fighting.

Think about that. But remember you could always rewrite later, so just pay attention to this point from now on and rearrange the previous chapters later.

As always, I need to thank you for letting me read this. I can't remember when did I last care to read each chapter of a novel posted online. Thank you. It was lovely and it was talented.