Last edited by kjr5horses on Thu May 19, 2011 3:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Me I'm dishonest but a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly its the honest ones you have to watch out for because you can never tell when they are going to do something incredibly...stupid." ~Capt. Jack Sparrow
Really amazing job once again!!!! I can't wait for more!! Good job with your descriptions and of your different characters they all seem to have different personalities. Which is good. I hope to read more soon. This is becoming more and more intriguing as I continue to read this. Hope to see more from you soon!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!! Keep up the amazing works. Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.
I must say, the start of this chapter was getting somewhere! And then we got into the description of the horses which, considering how brief this scene is, distracted from the characters. It's kind of a strange balance of description? You don't want to distract the reader from what's going on with a long, useless description about the pet or steed. The point of the scene is them leaving, so focus on that moreso than how the horse looks like. This kinda goes back to what I mentioned about description in chapter 1. BUT I really did like how part started. So just watch out for that description flood.
Something I forgot to mention last time! There was a brief info-dump or two on the character's background. That's no fun. D: That's just telling the reader secrets that they should try to figure out themselves. Keep it complicated if you want complicated! Don't give a whole paragraph about how this character was raised. If they were orphaned, they're probably very lonely people. Show their lonesome rather than just telling us their an orphan. (Just an example!) So basically, the show vs. tell needs some work.
That aside, I have noticed there's a little more clarity in what exactly is happening so far. Not sure why that is. Maybe it's just the way I'm reading it now. xD I kinda adjusted my brain to hopefully better understand what's happening. Granted, I'm still confused. But I follow better. Maybe it's just because it's part 3 now, and things show be falling into place by now anyway! The rings are a reeeally cool idea, so I'm still interested in how the story itself turns out. It's just not pleasant to read just yet, style-wise. That's easy to fix though! Really easy.
There was a point where a character mounted his horse and then the horse laid down. Did the character jump off in time, or is he now stuck under the horse? xD That part wasn't clear and can affect the outcome of the situation. ...Asta! That's his name. Which, by the way, seems to be the most interesting to read so far for me. Can still use improvement, but he does seem to get just a tad more attention than the other characters. So he seems most interesting!
Even the dialogue seemed much more friendly in this chapter. I guess that bigger chunk with Asta and Lavan and Than was just more interesting. There was more character development in this section, and I'm more interested. Try to do more of this!
And before I close up, I wanted to add that I've noticed your use of horses so far. It's so cool. xD I definitely encourage you using your love of horses in writing. It makes things so much more fun and it's easier for you to understand what you're doing. So this just a remark at how proud I am. <3
