A Discovery

I have sent this short story to Bliss magazine, hoping they'll print it off. If you like, then I'll be a happy Easter Bunny.



“What is going on Mum?” I yelled. She and Dad exchanged looks. It was while I was rummaging around in the storage closet when I came across something horrifying. Something that has changed my life forever.
“Or should I even call you Mum?” I added sternly. Mum’s face was pale as the eye could see, and Dad started to well up.
He was always a softy at heart.
Tears rolled down Mum’s cheeks as she began to speak.
“Anya, darling,” She rubbed my arm, but I pulled away. “What you found isn’t as bad as you seem to think it is. We loved you the minute we laid eyes on you. We never wanted you to find out this way.”
Piles of adoption papers sat on the shelf above my head, while I was looking for old family photos to go into my art book. It was the adoption paper that stated my name and my adoptive parents names that gave me the wave of disbelief.
I was two-years-old when I was adopted, my mother died during birth and it was until I was found alone in a house with my dead father beside me that I realised I had no family.
But the lady and man who wanted me, who gave me a chance to have a proper family, were there for me. I didn’t comprehend it until just then, when I bounded onto them, that I still loved them.
I appreciate how Mum and Dad have managed to put up with me for all these years. What a way for a fifteen-year-old girl to discover she is not actually blood related to the people she cares for.

Alright, Walker here with a review.

Hopefully you don't mind critiquing on something already sent? :3

Nit-Picks:

“What is going on Mum?” I yelled.

Starting off a short story or novel could always be a hit or a miss. It really just depends on the 'right' dialogue.

Here we have a good idea, in theory. But you don't want static. Change the 'What is' to 'What's'. You want to make the character sound human. I can't remember the last time, in a fit of rage, I had gone so far as to say 'what is going on'.

Next, you need a comma behind 'on'.

Thirdly, don't use 'yelled'. This character is talking to their parents. Mine would be very very angry if I yelled at them especially without really knowing what was going on. It makes your character sound disrespectful and juvenile. So, change 'yelled' so something like 'asked' or if you want more forceful, use a subtle word like peevishly or something of that general sort.

I was two-years-old when I was adopted, my mother died during birth and it was until I was found alone in a house with my dead father beside me that I realised I had no family.

Spliced comma. It should be either a period or a semicolon.

It was the adoption paper that stated my name and my adoptive parents names that gave me the wave of disbelief.

The reader gets the just of this already, seeing as your character is mad. She wouldn't be mad if the occupants of the house before them had adopted their eldest son Jimmy xD.

Overall:

This is very short and very rushed.

As much as I'm a sucker for stories like this where a girl realizes just how much she loves her parents even though they aren't blood related, it was childishly put forth in a manner whereas everything just kind of happened. There was no real basis or character. It was a snipit into a teenage girls diary.

But thats not all bad. You did try to give this piece structure, which was nice. I would have preferred to see this longer and stronger. So far its pretty much a section of a short story instead of actually being one on its own. Flesh it out. Give it better, more realistic emotions, and maybe stronger character if you can fit that in. For now, you have a very pretty skeleton to this piece, but the fleshing and the things that make a short story whole are missing.

~Walker

It goes pretty quick for a short story. If I read this in a magazine I'd be like....where's the rest? I like the idea you have. Grammar has already been detected so I won't re pick on that.

It's definitely touching in a way I guess.

But, you could add more description, length, and overall topic. It is, very short for a short story, and this is a waste of time to read, if it's this short. If it was very powerful, but this short, I wouldn't mind.

I recommend you take everyone's feedback on this, to make your next story even better!

Good luck!