Alexandra Chapter 1 (Revised!)

Please delete this thread,
for another is needed to be read.

Hello, Kathy!

I like the idea behind this story. Mermaids are so cool. I tried writing a mermaid story once, but it failed miserably. XD Hopefully, you'll have better luck! I'm going to skip the grammar/spellcheck, but if you need me to do one for you, just PM me!

There were a few concepts that I'm concerned about, but before I get to that, there are a couple mechanical things I want to mention. First, the beginning lies so heavily in explaining Joshua's background, it detracts from what's actually going on. I think it would be better to show who he really is through dialogue and action rather than paragraphs about his dead parents. I'm not a cruel person! But at this point, I don't really care about his background. I just want to know who he is, who the main character is, and how each of them act.

Building off that would be characterization, which branches off into dialogue and show-vs-tell. I don't know who all these people are. All the names and places and activities seem so cardboard. It's all not lively enough, so as a reader, I don't really care what's happening. For instance, all the characters are polite, despite the mention of high tempers. They're all smiling, all friends, all get along just fine and dandy. No one appears to have any faults. The narration might mention this, but I don't care about that. I can't believe the narration without evidence. So if the main character has a high temper like her father, then I want to see both of them with high tempers. And they better be high! Otherwise, it's not worth noting.

The dialogue is also very flat. There's no difference in the way each of them speak. They all have to say names and explain things. On a normal day, they probably don't have to say "my sister so-and-so" or explain the history. They don't have to explain dreams or history stories. Just go with it. They're best friends, right? So they're going to be cracking jokes and laughing. That or sharing heartfelt stories about what happened the previous night when they weren't together. Perfect opportunity to talk about a pirate dream the MC had the previous night. That way, it's not such an info-dump when Joshua refers to it. The guards are also an example of dialogue that's not needed. It doesn't matter if they want to get drunk. They're not about to go out of their way to say, "Be careful!" Not after the king himself just said good-bye.

And remember. You don't have to just dump background information to make sense of the story. It confuses the reader a great deal. If you have to start even earlier than this, then so be it. But dumping dreams and facts rather than describing the scene by itself is boring. The reader likes to figure things out by themselves. They don't want the narrator holding them by the hand.

All that aside, I got very confused as to what was happening through the whole thing. The grammar probably got in the way a lot, but I'm still not sure if Joshua's going somewhere awesome. Or if they even made it to that special spot? Is the pirate ship where he was headed? And why would Joshua let the princess split up from him? She's kinda his responsibility now. If anything happens, it's all his fault. And it sounds like he's going to get in trouble for allowing her to the surface. Anyway, there's also a point where she's trapped by a rock. And then the narrator/MC has to explain to the reader, "Oh, by the way. We can't feel anything in our fin." Which just makes us even more confused 'cause we're still info-dumping. xD You don't have to tell us! Just mention that she didn't realize she was stuck. The reader might go, "wtfiddlesticks?" but later, it can be explained through dialogue, "It's ridiculous that we have no sense of touch." That aside, I think she'd notice the extra weight pulling her down an inch? Doesn't have to feel the pain. But the rock tugging her lower would probably be noticed.

So, uh. That all covers everything except the captain. I had a really hard time with him. First of all, he's a 17-year-old captain. xD I don't think captains were typically 17. So, uh... what did he do so impressively that he earned the rank of captain? And it doesn't matter how old he is, he's the captain. So why is the crew throwing him overboard? Or letting him swim by himself in the water? The captain would send someone else down instead, and not just one man. He'll send a team in case anything happens. A captain has to think strategically. That's why he's captain! He can see the advantages and disadvantages more easily than the others manning just one part of the ship. So knowing all that, why is he the only one with a compass? There must be a navigator on the ship. Someone who mans the maps or steering. The telescope/look-out guy must also have a compass or something. As much as Joe would hate to hear, the ship could go along without the captain. That's what a First Mate is for -- in case they lose the captain. They won't be at their best, but the crew is prepared for anything.

Anyway, when Joe and Alex meet up, I got confused when they were above water and under. I was also confused as to why no one on the ship could see Alex. Whyyy are they not watching their captain? And why was the captain suddenly falling under. Why do either of them need help staying about surface? Especially Alex, since she lives to swim. Plus, the romance was way to fast. I know hormones are evil critters, but that was crazy. Especially for a main character with a bad temper. ;D (And wheeere's Joshua?)

----

So there's a few things that need cleaning up. But before any editing is done, I think there are some things content-wise that need to be rethought. You don't have to change anything if you know a good way to explain it to the reader.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Thanks. This really helps. I think my novel just about needs re written. It's supposed to be a peaceful city but I need to change things even if it means re writing th entire novel. There's a sequel too so I will probably have to edit it too after to make it make sense. Thanks and no worries about grammar if I have t ochange it lol. Thanks

n, it seemed good with the problems being mostly mechanical (relating to the interaction of word, sentences, grammar, Ect.)

I try not to do this but I feel I must respectfully disagree with the previous review where it was said

the romance was way to fast. I know hormones are evil critters, but that was crazy.

I do believe that the romance was too fast, it was kind of abrupt (I recommend showing the feelings grow from the beginning when they first encounter each other, Perhaps by having her refer to him as 'handsome' or a similar adjective.) but with the right conditions (mainly hormones, attraction, and some degree of loneliness) perfectly believable.

I noticed that you used normal names for your mermaids/mermen, I would recommend something more exotic, (perhaps archaic names from a different culture (like these http://www.behindthename.com/nmc/ger-anci.php)

Now as to specifics,

Joshua swam up to the hole in my outside bedroom wall; which constituted for a window.

I recommend a change; 'constituted' to 'served'

My father, King Soloman is a wise ruler.

Seems out of place to me.

My bedroom was located on one of the highest corners of the castle.

The room stayed a little colder than most rooms because I only had the one window. There wasn’t much room for water current to keep warm water coming in and out.

Even though he wouldn’t let me pick my own bedroom out of the hundreds of rooms in the castle, it’s the one with the fewest windows. ‘It’s for your own protection! ’ Father would say.

I think these could be combined into one or two sentences, something like; 'My bedroom in one of the highest corners of the castle, stayed a little colder than the other rooms because It only had one window the least in the castle, without much room for water current to keep warm water coming in and out. It had been chosen by my father 'For your own protection. '

Our royal family has dark violet fins and short tempers for the most part. My mother, Rachael, has patience, but she’s only royal by marriage. I inherited my father’s temper as well.

These don't seem to flow well, I think perhaps it would work better if it was reworked so the second sentence came first.

Also I have to say that the temper mentioned doesn't come through in the rest of the text.

“Alex, wake up!” Joshua whispered as his hands leaned on the bottom of the window.

If you changed it to ' “Alex, wake up!” Joshua whispered leaning on the bottom of the window. ' it would be more clear, (at the moment the hands are doing the acting.)

To some extent, at times, it seemed like I could read his mind telepathically.

I know this will sound strange but even for a story with mermaids Ect. The telepathy seems out of place, unless it severs a vital purpose and has an explanation later, I recommend it's removal.

Neither his mom nor dad has dark violet fins. In fact, their fins are red.

This sentence acts as if his parents are still alive, (which we learn in the next paragraph, it not the case)
However I think all the information about his parents could be communicated here, something like 'Before they died his parents both had red fins, but Joshua doesn't like to talk about them. ' (That's pretty bad, but you get the idea)

Joshua’s big smile is irresistible. He’s always happy and somehow stays in a good mood. I know him so well that he still confuses me on things. That is Joshua for you though! He’s very unique.

Again I think this could be condensed to something like; 'Joshua’s big smile is irresistible, and he’s always in a good mood. I know him so well, but he still confuses me sometimes. [Note; I'm not sure the period fits here, something else may be called for] That is Joshua for you though! He’s very unique'

I’m not quite sure what makes him that way.

Recommend this sentence is removed.

I continued to sleep and Joshua continued to whisper to wake me up.

I think this should be reworked so the MC is at least some what conscience while narrating.

It’s your sixteenth birthday today, if you couldn’t guess. I want to give you a special birthday gift.

Recommend an 'And' be added between these sentences. (It may also improve flow to cut 'if you couldn’t guess')

“Joshua, of course you can come in. I’m awake and remember! It’s your birthday too just as much as it is mine!”

I think this sentence has been mis-punctuated. The period should, I think, be after the 'I’m awake' (perhaps with a comma where it is now), I recommend you remove the 'and', and the exclamation point after 'Remember' needs to go.

I pushed his nose with my left pointer finger.

I don't understand why this sentence is here, but in any case you over describe, we don't need to know that it's the 'left pointer finger'.

“Oh yes, I know. I’m also sixteen.”

This seems flat, there's no emotion. Something like; 'Or course I know I'm turning sixteen' would be better.

I failed to mention earlier - Joshua was born on the same day I was, exactly sixteen years ago.

I think this detracts from the immersion, and recommend it be cut and another way be found to communicate the relevant information [Note; I'm not sure the information in this sentence needs to be repeated, you did just say it].

Joshua always forgets then what happened to them.

Recommend refreshing the sentence to show that he never knew what happened to them.

All of our caves have at least two entry and exit ways.

Recommend the removal of this sentence, it distracts from the flow of your story.

[quoteI]t has straps like a human has purses.[/quote]
Perhaps you mean 'like a human purse'.

It is brownish black in color, with one bright brown button on it to keep it securely shut.

I don't think this sentence is necessary.

He’s just taking me out so they can plan for a royal party. What’s this gift he’s talking about?

Recommend you connect the sentences with a 'But'

My father’s parents chose my mom for him to marry. She was from Crystal Waters but they didn’t know each other prior to their arranged engagement. I know a few of the mermen from the city but I know there’s a big population here.
I feel as if all the citizens of Crystal Waterspretend to look up to me; by giving me birthday parties every year. I never do enjoy them. I’m excited to get one, but it’s the same thing every single year. Everyone wants me to be their friend. I can tell they really aren’t my friends. Joshua is the only one who cares and he doesn’t care that I’m of royal blood.

I think this could be condensed.

“Hello princess. There’s just too much to do when you are King of Crystal Waters!”

I don't think this sounds like it's directed at a daughter, it's too formal, and fails to acknowledge the question from the last sentence.

I snickered

Firstly, this looks confusingly like a dialogue tag. Second I recommend a change to 'giggled' as it does not have the negative connotations of 'snickered'

“That’s funny father! You’re always busy on my birthday.” I said sarcastically.

I don't understand how this sentence fits.

I am every other day Alexandra.

Recommend you add 'as well' to the end.

Your mother could have the baby anytime so she cannot be bothered for a while. She needs her rest while she can get it

Recommend this be reworked so it's before 'Joshua will keep you company today, I’m sure. '

“Yes, let’s go Joshua!”

I've noticed a tendency for you to have characters always call each other by full names, it comes across as rather stilted and formal.

I think my mom and I connect mentally, as if I know when something bad happens, because every time I am in pain, she is too. I feel like she is in pain right now. My stomach is growling. Maybe I have a sister now, or will soon? Only time will tell.

You've used the telepathy again, it seems out of place here as well.

“I can’t slow down, Alex! We’re going somewhere special!”

Perhapse a change to 'We can't slow down yet' would be better

He laughed and snickered.

A laugh and a snicker are basically the same (one word is general, and one is specific)

“Joshua, I need to rest. I am out of energy. I do not run out of energy very often. You know that!”

Again this seems too formal.

A big boom noise echoed throughout the mountain walls.

Recommend you replace 'big boom' with some think more evocative, like 'thundering explosion' or something similar.

Small rocks fell toward the cold dark water below us in the shadows.

'In the shadows is redundant, I recommend it be removed.
I think a change to something like; 'small rocks tumbled down into the darkness beneath us. ' would improve the sentence.

Joshua, are there still pirates today on the sea?”

'today' is redundant, It should be cut.

My sister Samantha was talking to her friend Elisha and she said there was a captain of that ship named Joe Mills.

Are the specific names important here? I think they can be cut and leave a better sentence.

Her exact words were, ‘Elisha, did you hear? The Eagle’s Eye has a new Captain. A Joe Mills' they said. ‘He is supposed to be only seventeen years old, or sixteen. That’s the same age as our future queen. ’ That is all that I heard Samantha say.

I think this could be profitably cut, on the grounds of redundancy.

Samantha never gossips. She always tells the truth.”

This sounds naive, if that is not one of the character traits I recommend it's removal.

“Why don’t we go find out? How did the elders or anyone know pirates are around. We’re not allowed to the surface.”

I think this sentence need work as they don't flow well (each being totally independent of the rest and it's effect on the whole)

I asked him immediately.

I don't think 'immediately' works here, as we have an intervening paragraph of her thoughts, I think it should be removed.

“Why do you want to find out Alex? I don’t know, I think the elders go or maybe the guards?”

Again,
Again, I think this sentence need work as they don't flow well (each being totally independent of the rest and it's effect on the whole)
Note; on noticing this problem is very frequent in the dialogue, I won't be pointing out again (in hopes of keeping this a sane length)

“I knew that! Just making a joke!” Joshua replied

I don't think the second sentence is necessary.

Father does not know that I have talked to the magician because he believes all creatures who tell the future of any sort is bad and so are the creatures who communicate with them.

Recommend this be changed to something like; 'Father does not know that I've talked with the magician because he doesn't like creatures who tell the future and the creatures who communicate with them'
The original is rather unwieldy

I swam closer and touched the boat lightly with one finger.

This is a good sentence, but I think it could be better, more evocative; 'I approached the ship and brushed my fingers across the hull. '
You see? All I've done is move the focus off approaching the ship, repaced 'touched lightly' with a more evocative construction, and changed 'bottom' to 'hull' and 'boat' to 'ship' (those being the correct nautical terms for the objects described)

The surface or outside coat of the ship was hard, pointed, and very tough.

I think 'or outside coat' can be removed as it is unnecessary, I also wish to point out that a sailing ship would have barnacles Ect. Living on it's hull (or a metallic plating to keep them off), and recommend you change 'hard, pointed, and very tough' to more evoctive words (like 'scared' or 'textured' or 'firm and unyielding')

“Joe, you’re not the captain yet, and you’ll do what I say. Just because your parents are not here to tell ye what to do, does not mean that I cannot. Now do what I tell you, hear?”

For full pirate flavor a recommend a 'lower class English' accent. (Here's the best resource I can find on it http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BritishAccents warning link contains some swearing. I recommend finding some British movies or audio books to anyone really attempting to fake English accents in their story)
[Historical note; this is more accurate historically because most English speaking pirate were for Britten and the lower class]

He was not very good at swimming

Recommend a change to 'He wasn't a very good swimmer'

“Joe, where’d you run off to? Ha. Ha. Ha. I mean swim to? Joe?”

Recommend you remove the onomonopia and replace it with something like “Joe, where you run off to? I mean swim to?" He laughed at his feeble joke "Joe?” Or better yet add some description to how he laughs (gafwed, chuckled, giggled maniacally, Ect.)

I didn’t think I’d be in the arms of a human, or a pirate for that manner.

Recommend a change 'didn’t think' to 'never thought'

Ok finel thoughts,
The dialogue needs work, but with minor fixes it should be quite good. I recommend a technique where you envision your self as the character and ask yourself what you would say in that situation, It works well dealing with the problems your dialogue has.
I noticed that you did a good job of not using 'said' but recommend you further use dialogue tags to show the emotion behind each statement, (using words like growled, giggled, screamed, A good list of which is here http://www.bukisa.com/articles/252839_550-alternative-words-for-said)
Also you over all word choice was kind of bland, I recommend making an effort to use more evocative words ( I find this site helps http://thesaurus.com/ Just type in the word you wish to replace and you'll get a whole list on replacements)
I also recommend you look at the flow and how each sentence and paragraph interacts with the others as it is quite choppy now
The story basically makes sense except for the 'captain' thing, they don't treat him like a captain, but it would work if he was a futcher captain resented and disliked by the crew (hopefully not with reason). And again I recommend the telepathy be removed.

I think my novel just about needs rewritten.

I recommend that for this chapter you stay with what you have, and focus on revising and editing. I Do Not think you should throw it out and rewrite as it has lots of potential, with a little work it could be great.

I'm happy to answer any questions about the review of clarifying any where I failed to make clear.

[Final note; I've covered all the most prominent examples of the problems in this piece, but not them all, as I believe it is more helpful to show you how to find your own mistakes, the to just point them out]