The Family Feud: Chapter 3

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Chapter 3: The Center of the Earth

As we are riding towards the entrance, my stomach starts growling.

“Dad, can we stop to eat somewhere? I’m like so hungry.” I whine.

“No. We can not we are already late.” he says, not taking his eyes off the road.

“Fine.” I say, crossing my arms over my chest in defiance.

The center of the Earth isn’t as bad as it sounds, really. It reminds me of New York. Even though, I’ve never been there. It only has a lot more rocks and lava and well humans would burn in an instant if they step foot in it. The floors and celling is made of rock and everything else is made of lava. After we park the car, we find the conference room in the nick of time. At the reception desk, my father does the worst thing he could ever possibly do.

“Hello. I am GOD the Creator of All. My son, Jesus Christ, died on the cross for all sins.” he says with glowing eyes. I put my hand to my head in exasperation.

“DAAAAAAD!!! Do you have to do this every time we go somewhere? Everyone knows who you are. You’re embarrassing me!” Then, I turned to the lady behind the desk.

“My dad would like the room number for the annual meeting, please.”

“Yes, that is right down the hall, room 666.” she said, pointing.

“Thank you. Dad, can I have ten dollars to go find something to eat?” I asked, hopefully.

He sighed,”Fine. Here. Just remember the rules and stay out of trouble.” and handed me the money.

As an angel, I had to hid my massive 13 foot wings, making them flat against my body, they disappeared into my back and shuffled out the door. I felt so free. Sometimes I feel like my dad smothers me. It sucks. Looking down the street I find this little ice cream place called The 3 Flavors. While I was in line deciding which creamy confection to devour,my father was facing the one person he hated the most, Lucifer.

“Hello Lucifer.” he said with dripping disdain, obliviously annoyed about being there in the same room with him.

“Hello Lucas.” The Devil said with equal resentment. “Come on, let’s get on with this. What the hell do you want?”

“Why the hell would I want something from you?!” my father spoke, his voice ice cold, his eyes flashing as he glared at him.

“ Well you called me here, look my wife will have my head if I am late for dinner. So let’s hurry this up so I can go find my son and get the hell out of here.” he said looking at a crack in the wall thinking he’d rather jam nails into his eyes.

“ So I have been thinking, I want to put one child of our kind in an experiment.”

“What do you mean?” The Devil asked with a questioning look on his face.

“I wanted to see the effects of a child of human, demon, and angel blood inside them. To see whether they will serve any purpose to either of the three races.” my father said, his eyes thoughtful.

“HELL NO. THAT’S SUICIDE!” he roared, his eyes sparking with anger, becoming black in his true demonic nature.

“Fine. Then let’s just start with a demon and an angel and see what happens. Alright?” he said, bummed he got shot down. “And I know just who would love to volunteer, my daughter, Jazmyn.” He thought he was teaching me a lesson.

“Okay. Then I’ll volunteer my son, Zackariah. Can I leave now, you’re presence disgusts me.”

“Whatever.” He said as he got up leaving the room to go find me.

In the line, I was dreaming about a delicious brownie sundae with a heaping drizzle with candied nuts sprinkled on top. Yum. In my own world dream of whipped cream and cherries, I didn’t see him, he bumped into me.

“Hey! Watch where the hell you are going next time! Grrrrr! Just great! That was my favourite!” I said, harshly, watching it tumble onto the floor in a soupy mess. I sigh as I bend down to clean up the mess. Then instantly, I see another pair of hands bent down, helping me. Looking up I saw the most beautiful pair of orange brown eyes staring back at me.

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. I’ll watch where I’m going next time.” he said huskily, flashing a mega-watt smile at me. At that time, the cashier had called my number, I had got back in line to get another brownie sundae.

“NEXT!” the cashier yelled.

“Yes, I would like a brownie sundae with candied nuts and extra whipped cream with sprinkles.” I said, rattling off my usual. As I spoke my order, the girl rang it up.

“That will be $5.99” the cashier said merrily.

Then the guy I bumped into stepped up as I was taking money out of my pocket, covering my hand.

“I got this.” he said, taking out the exact change and handing it to the cashier.

“Wow. You saved me like a whole $6, my hero.” I said, sarcastically, while rolling my eyes.: “What is your name, anyway?”

He laughs, “Zackariah, but everyone calls me Zack. What’s yours?”

“Jazmyn.” I say, saucily and taking my dessert, walking towards a table near the back. I did not really want to be seen with this strange dude. To my disdain he slips beside into the booth.

“So what brings you here? You don’t seem like the type of girl who strays too far from the protection of her daddy.” he said with a grin so cute it made me melt, but I wasn’t going to let him know that. He still was an ass.

“What’s it to you?”I asked. As I ignored him, I concentrated on my sundae and the immense pleasure it was giving me. After a few minutes, I could feel his eyes boring into my being, it was a little unnerving. “What?”

“You never answered my question.” he laughed.

“I am here with my father, actually. He had something to do. I didn’t want to tag along.”

“Same here.”

We sat there in awkward silence for a few minutes, before Zackariah speaks again.

“So what type of music do you listen to?” he asks curious.

“All types, I’m a dancer, well an amateur dancer.” I say, knowing my cheeks are hot from embarrassment. “I don’t tell people this, but my friend Toriah got me into Mandolin music. It’s really soothing.”

“Cool. I play the sax.” he said forming his hands in a mock saxophone. “So I ask everyone I meet this question and I always get the wrong answer. What is life’s therapy?”

“Music.” We said together, smiling.

“Exactly! Really my brother doesn’t understand but I tell him that there is a song for every mood.”

“That’s what I try to tell my sister but she doesn’t get me.”

For what seem like endless minutes, we smile and talk some more. I was really enjoying myself, until I looked at my watch.

My eyes widened in shock, it had been really late, almost ten o’clock.

“Oh my freaking god! My dad is going to kill me, if I am not back at the conference room in two minutes!” I say in a rush. I quickly got up, leaving my bowl on the table, to be picked up by a waiter. Because i didn’t see him behind me, I stopped short and he crashed right into the back of me.

“Ow. That hurt. WHAT THE HELL? Are you following me or something?” I asked hesitant.

“No I was going outside to my motorcycle when you stopped.” he said grinning at my embarrassment.

“Well I need to get to my dad in one minute. So. . .bye.” I say, walking away, but then he grabs my wrist.

“Wait, I can take you. Hop on and I’ll get you there in one.” he said, handing me a helmet.

His motorcycle was sleek all black with two huge wheels that were all black and everything was the exposed. All the machinery that went into creating and making this bike was intimidating. It looked more like something out of Terminator. I couldn’t even figure out where to sit. Seeing that I was having trouble getting onto the bike he picked me up and situated me onto what looked like a little hole into the machinery. Gracefully, Zack swung his leg over the motorcycle while I gripped his waist, we sped off. He was right, he got me there in one second to spare. I see my father by the car, visibly pissed off.

I winced, knowing that I was totally in for it now. I knew no amount of excuses would take away the anger I could feel coming off of him. Swallowing my fear, I put on a brave face and went in for the fight. I turn to Zack.

“Thanks for the ride hope to see you again sometime.” I said, actually meaning it.

“No problem.” he smiled, that impossible smile making my stomach flop.

“Before you ask for it, here’s my number.” I say, pulling out the sharpie I had in my pocket and writing it on his hand.

“Wait. There’s nothing there.” he said confused.

“Shake it.” I said with a cocked eyebrow.

He shook his hand and the numbers appeared one by one.

“Invisible ink, call me.”

My father had gotten into the car during this whole exchange. As soon as I got into the car, he started questioning me.

“Who was that?” he asked with a protective glare, looking out of the car window at him.

“Just a really nice guy who bought me ice cream.” I say smiling to myself. Yeah, today was a good day.
Last edited by Qoh16 on Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:38 am, edited 3 times in total.
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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Giggles* yay totally epic sis and glad I could help you with it! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




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Thanks. I couldnt have done it without you <3
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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As we are riding towards the entrance, my stomach starts growling.

“Dad, can we stop to eat somewhere? I’m like so hungry.” I whine.

“No. We can not we are already late.” he says, not taking his eyes off the road.

“Fine.” I say, crossing my arms over my chest in defiance. XD

The center of the Earth isn’t as bad as it sounds, really. It reminds me of New York. Even though, no comma I’ve never been there. It only has a lot more rocks and lava and comma well comma humans would burn in an instant if they step stepped foot in it. The floors and celling ceiling is made of rock and everything else is made of lava. After we park the car, we find the conference room in the nick of time. At the reception desk, my father does the worst thing he could ever possibly do.

“Hello. I am GOD the Creator of All. My son, Jesus Christ, died on the cross for all sins.” he says with glowing eyes. I put my hand to my head in exasperation.

“DAAAAAAD!!! Do you have to do this every time we go somewhere? Everyone knows who you are. You’re embarrassing me!” Then, I turned to the lady behind the desk. XD rofl!! I was definitely not expecting this, lol. For some reason I’m finding this totally hilarious.

“My dad would like the room number for the annual meeting, please.”

“Yes, that is right down the hall, room 666.” she said, pointing. of course, haha.

“Thank you. Dad, can I have ten dollars to go find something to eat?” I asked, hopefully.

He sighed,”Fine. Here. Just remember the rules and stay out of trouble.” and handed me the money.

As an angel, I had to hid hide my massive 13 thirteen foot wings, making them flat against my body, period they disappeared into my back and I shuffled out the door, finally free. I felt so free. Sometimes I feel like my dad smothers me. It sucks. Looking down the street I find this little ice cream place called The 3 Flavors. While I was in line deciding which creamy confection to devour,my father was facing the one person he hated the most, Lucifer. this paragraph kind of jumps around a bit. You suddenly tell us about your thirteen foot wings, go on to say you feel smothered, then oh! An ice cream shop. It seems like you narrator has a short attention span. Also, how can you hide thirteen feet of wings? They are bigger than you are.

“Hello Lucifer.” he said with dripping disdain, obliviously annoyed about being there in the same room with him.

“Hello Lucas.” The Devil said with equal resentment. “Come on, let’s get on with this. What the hell do you want?”

“Why the hell would I want something from you?! I‘d take out the exclamation point” my father spoke, his voice ice cold, his eyes flashing as he glared at him.

“ Well you called me here, look my wife will have my head if I am late for dinner. So let’s hurry this up so I can go find my son and get the hell out of here.” he said looking at a crack in the wall thinking he’d rather jam nails into his eyes.

“ So I have been thinking, I want to put one child of our kind in an experiment.”

“What do you mean?” The Devil asked with a questioning look on his face.

“I wanted to see the effects of a child of human, demon, and angel blood inside them. To see whether they will serve any purpose to either of the three races.” my father said, his eyes thoughtful.

“HELL NO. THAT’S SUICIDE!” he roared, his eyes sparking with anger, becoming black in his true demonic nature. I don’t really understand what he’s asking.

“Fine. Then let’s just start with a demon and an angel and see what happens. Alright?” he said, bummed he got shot down. “And I know just who would love to volunteer, my daughter, Jazmyn.” He thought he was teaching me a lesson.

“Okay. Then I’ll volunteer my son, Zackariah. Can I leave now, you’re presence disgusts me.”

“Whatever.” He said as he got up leaving the room to go find me.

In the line, I was dreaming about a delicious brownie sundae with a heaping drizzle with candied nuts sprinkled on top. Yum. In my own world dream of whipped cream and cherries, I didn’t see him, he bumped into me. you mean you bumped into him? You were the one that wasn’t looking.

“Hey! Watch where the hell you are going next time! Grrrrr! Just great! That was my favourite!” I said, harshly, watching it tumble onto the floor in a soupy mess. I sigh as I bend down to clean up the mess. Then instantly, I see another pair of hands bent down, helping me. Looking up I saw the most beautiful pair of orange brown eyes staring back at me.

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. I’ll watch where I’m going next time.” he said huskily, flashing a mega-watt smile at me. At that time, the cashier had called my number, I had got back in line to get another brownie sundae.

“NEXT!” the cashier yelled.

“Yes, I would like a brownie sundae with candied nuts and extra whipped cream with sprinkles.” I said, rattling off my usual. As I spoke my order, the girl rang it up.

“That will be $5.99” the cashier said merrily. I’m starting to wonder how they would have anything cold like ice cream in hell.

Then the guy I bumped into stepped up as I was taking money out of my pocket, covering my hand.

“I got this.” he said, taking out the exact change and handing it to the cashier.

“Wow. You saved me like a whole $6, my hero.” I said, sarcastically, while rolling my eyes.: what is the colon doing? “What is your name, anyway?”

He laughs, “Zackariah, but everyone calls me Zack. What’s yours?”

“Jazmyn.” I say, no comma saucily and taking my dessert, walking towards a table near the back. I did not really want to be seen with this strange dude then why were you flirting with him in your saucy voice? . To my disdain he slips beside into the booth.

“So what brings you here? You don’t seem like the type of girl who strays too far from the protection of her daddy.” he said with a grin so cute it made me melt, but I wasn’t going to let him know that. He still was an ass. For buying you ice cream.

“What’s it to you?”I asked. As I ignored him, I concentrated on my sundae and the immense pleasure it was giving me. After a few minutes, I could feel his eyes boring into my being, it was a little unnerving. “What?”

“You never answered my question.” he laughed.

“I am here with my father, actually. He had something to do. I didn’t want to tag along.”

“Same here.”

We sat there in awkward silence for a few minutes, before Zackariah speaks again.

“So what type of music do you listen to?” he asks curious.

“All types, I’m a dancer, well an amateur dancer.” I say, knowing my cheeks are hot from embarrassment. “I don’t tell people this, but my friend Toriah got me into Mandolin music. It’s really soothing.”

“Cool. I play the sax.” he said forming his hands in a mock saxophone. “So I ask everyone I meet this question and I always get the wrong answer. What is life’s therapy?”

“Music.” We said together, smiling.

“Exactly! Really my brother doesn’t understand but I tell him that there is a song for every mood.”

“That’s what I try to tell my sister but she doesn’t get me.”

For what seem like endless minutes, we smile and talk some more. I was really enjoying myself, until I looked at my watch.

My eyes widened in shock, it had been really late, almost ten o’clock.

“Oh my freaking god! My dad is going to kill me, if I am not back at the conference room in two minutes!” I say in a rush. I quickly got up, leaving my bowl on the table, to be picked up by a waiter. Because i didn’t see him behind me, I stopped short and he crashed right into the back of me.

“Ow. That hurt. WHAT THE HELL? Are you following me or something?” I asked hesitant.

“No I was going outside to my motorcycle when you stopped.” he said grinning at my embarrassment.

“Well I need to get to my dad in one minute. So. . .bye.” I say, walking away, but then he grabs my wrist.

“Wait, I can take you. Hop on and I’ll get you there in one.” he said, handing me a helmet.

His motorcycle was sleek all black with two huge wheels that were all black and everything was the exposed. All the machinery that went into creating and making this bike was intimidating. It looked more like something out of Terminator. I couldn’t even figure out where to sit. Seeing that I was having trouble getting onto the bike he picked me up and situated me onto what looked like a little hole into the machinery. Gracefully, Zack swung his leg over the motorcycle while I gripped his waist, we sped off. He was right, he got me there in one second to spare. I see my father by the car, visibly pissed off.

I winced, knowing that I was totally in for it now. I knew no amount of excuses would take away the anger I could feel coming off of him. Swallowing my fear, I put on a brave face and went in for the fight. I turn to Zack.

“Thanks for the ride hope to see you again sometime.” I said, actually meaning it.

“No problem.” he smiled, that impossible smile making my stomach flop.

“Before you ask for it, here’s my number.” I say, pulling out the sharpie I had in my pocket and writing it on his hand. And she’s doing all this in front of her father?

“Wait. There’s nothing there.” he said confused.

“Shake it.” I said with a cocked eyebrow.

He shook his hand and the numbers appeared one by one.

“Invisible ink, call me.”

My father had gotten into the car during this whole exchange. As soon as I got into the car, he started questioning me.

“Who was that?” he asked with a protective glare, looking out of the car window at him.

“Just a really nice guy who bought me ice cream.” I say smiling to myself. Yeah, today was a good day.


Alright, so I don’t know how seriously I should take this x) I think it’s hilarious, but as a novel, I’m not sure how solid it would be. It’s great to read for fun, really. But there’s still a lot of confusion. It seems like Heaven and Hell don’t have any real differences besides Hell has lava and fire and cute boys and motorcycles, and Heaven seems to be completely like Earth. Also, there are ice cream shops in the center of the earth and the girl can haul around thirteen foot wings on her back with no problems. How would you even fit those in a car, I wonder?
As for the experiment her dad wants to try out, what is it? I’m very confused to what he was proposing. And why did he need Lucifer’s approval for it? They obviously don’t like each other. And so why would Lucifer agree and give up his son? It doesn’t make any sense.
So you definitely have some explaining to do if you want this to run smoothly and make sense, but other than that it’s an enjoyable story. Also, if you’re serious, you need to work on your grammar. Try looking up the Writing Resource section on YWS and find some basic articles. I always refer Soulkana there, so maybe she can tell you which ones she’s found useful x) Personally, I’d recommend all of them.
Any questions, let me know! Keep writing :D
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Okay.

In your dialogue, you need to word things in a more natural way.

For example:
"No. We can not we are already late.”

Who talks like this? I'm not trying to be mean--think about it. The only people who talk like this are very stiff and formal, and/or they don't know much English. Is this how you want the girl's dad to sound? If not, you should rephrase this. Something like this: "No, we can't. We're already late."

Do you see now? It's the same thing you wrote, but it sounds more natural.

Actually, you should probably read your dialogue aloud--this is what the pros do. They read things aloud to their friends, and if it doesn't sound natural, they reword it.

This even happened to one writer of the Batman comics: He had a friend come to him (after the comic had been published, I believe) and say that Batman didn't sound realistic at all. The writer realized his friend was right, so he changed his tune (at least for the rest of the story.)

Again, this is something that you'll become better at with practice. Have fun with slang, too! Figure out how to write things in a way that conveys a person has an accent.

F'r instance, kin ya tell ahm tawlkin' with a Teyxan drawl, here? (The tawlkin' and Teyxan were a bit much, but you get the picture.) Again, it's all about showing the reader what's going on through word choice.

I can see you're having fun with this story, and that's something that draws people in. Keep writing! Most importantly of all, don't let anything anyone (including me) says discourage you. You can do better, I just think you need more experience.

That's all for now! Have fun with this.
"Ok, Lolpup. You can be a girl worth fighting for."
--Pengu



Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening