The Objective of The Game

Spoiler

Hi guys!
Wow, it's been forever since I actually wrote something...That said, I'm a bit rusty...
Well, this came to me in a hit of inspiration out of nowhere so I decided to write it down and post it to see what you guys think.

And I'm just going to have fun with this. =)

Thank you,
-Pink

This Novel will be rated PG-13 for violence and language. Reader discretion is advised.



I heard the chant and cheers of the cheerleaders from the off side of the field. Their red skirts danced around their flawless legs and I found my eyes peeking at them every once in a while. I mean, you can’t blame a guy. . .
“Dan!”
I quickly pulled my gaze from the cheerleader who was just seconds away from lifting her leg and turned to face Weasel who was coming in like a charging rhino. He kicked the soccer ball and it whizzed across the blades of grass. With a twist, I captured the target underneath my heel. Without wasting a second, my foot moved accordingly as I tried to control the ball between my feet.
I closed in on the skinny goalie that stood like a moving brick wall in my path. The timing was just right. All I needed to do was kick. Make a goal. Adrenaline pulled at my veins and I took a quick step back, grit my teeth and then let my foot fly.
With amazement, I watched the checkered ball soar into the blue, up and past the net, over the fence and then watched it bounce on the other side of the field.
Damn it… My hands dug into my scalp.
Mark, the goalie, shook his head with a sigh. “Dan, you call that a kick? What the hell was that?” He watched the soccer ball bounce behind the woods of Saltwood High’s soccer field.
I tried to gulp down my disappointment. “I’m sorry,” I said while ruffling my hair. “I really thought I was gonna make it…”
Defeated, I fell onto the ground and plucked a chunk of grass with my fingers.
Mark rolled his hazel eyes. “Yeah, kicks like that will surely get us the championship this year.” He scratched his blonde hair while taking another look at the lost ball. “I thought you said you practiced all summer?” he said, joining me on the ground. “What happened?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged.
Weasel grabbed my shoulders with his large, hairy arms and shook me back and forth. “He gets nervous every time the cheerleaders are on the ground, that’s what,” he barked a laugh. With a grunt, he lay down on his belly and propped his chin on his palms while gingerly eyeing the girls. Weasel was strangely girlish in a manly way. It honestly took me a while to get used to his personality, especially considering his large physic. “They’re cute this time. I remember last year they had this big girl on the squad…she was funny though. I wonder what happened to her," Weasel asked while flashing one of the girls a grin.
Mark broke out in a laugh. “Oh, her! Did you see the way her fat just…jiggled around when they danced? Ugh, it was gross.” He repressed a shiver.
I pulled out another chunk of grass and began parting the blades individually.
“Hey, man.” Weasel shook my knee. “Don’t get all beat up. I mean it was just one shot, no? You’ll be fine. Besides we still have a few weeks before the first game so don’t sweat.”
I forced a smile at my dark-haired friend. He was right... One goal isn't much. It's not like I can score every time I shoot.
Last year, we were a game away from the semi-finals and we didn’t make it because I missed the pass. So I practiced all summer in hopes that this year, I’d help out a little more, that we’d get just an inch closer to that trophy.
“Naw, it was just those hot girls. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them.” I grinned and joined Weasel in his game of picking out the hot cheerleaders and the not-so-hot ones.
“Heh, I got the hottest girl right here.” Mark pointed towards the bleachers. “I dare you to find one sexier than her.”
My gaze followed his fingers towards the girl who sat on the top of the bleachers facing another direction. Her raven-like hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she wore a black oversized sweater with complimenting dark skinny jeans and converse shoes. She was monotone, one color top to bottom.
Weasel broke into a fit of laughter. “Who the hell is that? She’s ruining the nice day just by sitting there.”
Mark shook his head while trying to hold back his large grin. “No. She’s seriously hot. Check out her purse.”
I looked at the bag that slouched over the bench. It was brown and even though I couldn’t see it well, it looked like it had been drenched in rain. Even the skull on the flap looked as if it was frowning.
Weasel choked a laugh. “Looks like one of those man-purses.”
“Who is she?” I asked, sitting back up.
“Natalie the lesbian,” Mark stated.
“She’s lesbian?” I asked, shocked.
Weasel wasn’t surprised. “I don’t blame her. If I was her, I’d give up on guys as well.”
“You don’t have to be an asshole.” I slapped Weasel’s butt and stood up.
Weasel put a hand over his wound and expressed a hurt face. “Where are you going?”
“I’m gonna change. I have to get home early today since my dad’s home.”
Mark waved. “Then see ya’. Also, I don't want to sound like a jerk but Coach is kind of getting pissed too if you hadn’t noticed. Just do better tomorrow if you're having a bad day or something.”
Weasel added, "Yeah, you played worse in this practice than last year when you first joined."
“Hey!” I hissed at him. “I’m telling you, it was the cheerleaders. They need to find another field to practice on or they’ll distract us.”
Mark pointed at me. “No, just you.”
Weasel grabbed Mark’s heel and twisted it, making Mark roll over onto his face.
“Stop!” he protested.
“Don’t deny the cheerleaders!” Weasel shouted. “I saw you glimpsing at them too!”
“Let me go!” he struggled.
I laughed and turned away from them, making my way to the locker room. I showered and changed out of my soccer uniform. Drying my hair with the bath towel, I thought about my kick during practice. How in the world did I miss it? The goal was just right there and the ball didn't just barely make it. It flew over the goal box completely and landed on the other side of the school yard.
I groaned just thinking about. This isn't how I pictured myself playing like after summer. I began wondering if I was really that distracted by cheerleaders or whether it was something else.
It's just one practice, why the hell are you kicking yourself in the ass for this? I thought. Tomorrow's another day.[i]

When I got home, the door was still locked. [i]Is he not home yet? I took out my own keys and walked in. The lights were still off and the place looked untouched since this morning. My house wasn’t the greatest places in the world. Because it was just me and my dad, things didn’t always get cleaned or organized every day.
“Aw…” I choked and pinched my nose shut. “It smells like someone died in here.”
Picking up a can, I tossed it into the trash and walked into the living room. “Dad?”
James was lying on the couch with his eyes closed. His striped pants and green T-shirt looked like they had been borrowed from some homeless man. He grumbled when he heard me call him. Scratching his manly place, he opened a single eye.
“Oh…you’re home?” he mumbled, scuffing his unshaved jaw. Then, he closed his eyes again, falling back into his deep slumber.
It was a disgusting sight to look at. It made me feel like trash just standing there and watching him groan and moan like some lazy animal. I turned away, saving myself from words that he’d find meaningless. My hands tugged open the kitchen cabinet and pulled out a box of frosted flakes. I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and went to the fridge.
No milk.
“DAD!”
After a second he replied, “What?”
“I told you yesterday that we were out of milk!”
“Well then go get it,” he growled. “Why the hell are you telling me for?”
I closed my eyes, swallowing the angry words in my throat. Slamming the fridge door, I grabbed the keys from the counter and went outside to the century old Cadillac I called, Dusty. Gunning the engine, I rolled Dusty’s bouncy wheels to Wal-Mart.
The last thing I had to do was depend on my father for anything. The bum couldn’t even put milk in the fridge… let alone food on the table.
Shutting the door and locking it, I stuck my hands in my pocket and entered the crowded supermarket. The thing about Wal-mart was, when we went in to get one thing, you left with more than just one thing. With that, my eyes wandered down the food isles and I picked up some chips and a pack of cookies. I decided I needed some ramen too so I shoved some cups into the shopping cart.
Settling on the fact that I didn’t need to waste my dough on this stuff, I went to get what I came there for. Milk. I reached the dairy section and waited for the girl in front of me to finish. I looked at her as she, with shaky hands, tried to place the gallons into her cart.
Tilting my head, I continued to wait. But she was too slow. Finally, I decided to help this weak woman with her struggles.
“Excuse me; you need some help with those?” I asked politely.
The girl turned around, confused.
It was her, Natalie. A smile twitched at my lips at I watched her green eyes waver.
“I can help you with those if you need.” I said again.
She shook her head and then went back to place her last two gallons into her cart. I couldn’t help but wonder why in the world she’d need six gallons of milk for. Did she live in a house of cats or something?
She didn’t look at me after she closed the cooler door, instead she quickly walked away. I grabbed two gallons of milk and placed them into the cart while watching her small, quick steps make their way towards the other side of the store.
I wondered if she knew me. In fact, I wondered why she was at the soccer field to begin with. I mean, she was just sitting there doodling in her notebook. Didn’t weird kids like her try to stay away from jocks and cheerleaders? Not try to cross their grounds?
“Hey!” I found myself pacing after her. “Hey!” I put my hand on her cart when she didn’t stop for me.
Her eyes widened and I couldn’t tell whether it was because she was surprised or angry but I continued talking anyway.
“Do you know me?” I asked. “We go to the same school. I actually, um, I actually saw you at the soccer field today.”
She took a step back, moving her cart away from me like I was some kind of poisonous reptile. Natalie didn’t even say anything back. She only continued looking at me from the corner of her eyes. Her head tucked low and her body cringed. I suddenly got nervous. I mean, here I was trying to talk to this girl who actually had no interest in talking to me, apparently.
I forced a light smile. “Um, yeah. Sorry if I bothered you. You probably have to like…feed your cats or something.” I laughed while scratching the back of my head.
Her eyes became sharper. Honestly, for a petite girl she looked kind of scary. She was like that creepy girl from "The Ring" movie, just not as freaky but I’d still check under my bed just in case Natalie was there.
I gulped. “Just a joke…” Picking up a smile, I stepped back and allowed her to move. “Sorry about that, I’ll see you around then.”
She sped past me and I swore if she went just a second faster, she would’ve hit me with her milk cart. Watching her speed walk faster than D.J. Thompson made me think who the real creep was. Her, for being the weird outcast that had no social interests or me?

Hey there! Thought I'd give you a review for once.

First off, the title drew me in, so a plus for that. Even though the story didn't turn out how I imagined, based off the name, it still got me reading. That's what a good title should do.

Now, for a little line-by-line.

I closed in on the skinny goalie that stood like a moving brick wall in my path.

"Skinny" and "brick wall" don't really go together well in my mind. When you describe someone as being a brick wall, I imagine a large, stocky man, not a skinny goalie. I'd use something else, something that describes his skill or soccer style maybe, instead.

let my foot fly.

With amazement, I watched the checkered ball soar into the blue, up and past the net,

The way you wrote the kick, I imagined something that send it flashing along the ground, not something with enough force to soar over the net. I'd suggest either changing the way you describe the kick, or changing where the ball goes, maybe cutting to the side, missing the goal and flying out of bounds.

“I really thought I was gonna make it…” I laughed to lighten the mood. “Seriously.”

The way you have it now, his words and tone and such remind me of a situation like, say, a guy tells his friend this girl likes him to mess with him, and after watching the girl reject him this is what he says. Like, making fun of him, playing innocent. Bad example, probably, but this doesn't really match up with how you have him act in a moment, "defeated."

“Heh, I got the hottest girl right here.” Mark pointed towards the bleachers.

When I first read this, I thought that the girl was his girlfriend and he was bragging about her. Then, when you described her and said she was a lesbian, well, I'm not sure if he was joking about her being hot or not. I'm thinking not but... I'm not entirely sure. And I'd kinda like to know.

My reflection showed an eighteen year old kid. I was totally normal. Brown eyes, a few moles and honey colored eyes.

Really? Using a "MC looks in the mirror and describes how he/she looks"? That's pretty cliched, and pretty annoying. Exposition is your friend; there are much simpler, much better ways of describing how he looks; after all, just because he isn't staring into a mirror, it doesn't mean he forgot the exact shade of his hair. And as for the girls only liking his sports position, well, I'm sure you can work that in too. It may be a bit trickier, but your story will thank you and will flow much better.

“It smells like someone died in here.”

Most of the time, people say something died, not someone. Because something says it's probably an animal. "Someone" is just a lot more ominous, and not giving out the tone you're setting our for.

First general thing: because of how you introduced the cheerleaders (I didn't get that they were just practicing), I thought that this was a real game at first. So 1) I wondered why he wasn't paying attention, 2) I wondered why there was no huge go-against when he missed the goal, and 3) I wondered why the goalie responded like that. Just adding in a line to clarify at the beginning can save your reader a lot of confusion (a pretty general tip, if people ever get lost).

Okay, so here's what I thought of his home situation; pretty good, but not exactly unique. How many times haven't we seen this: a kid, independent, with a drunk (or at least fairly hopeless) father, no mother, that has to run their household? Where the father either doesn't want to care, or is incapable of it. It's not bad, but what's there to set it apart? Why should we care particularly about this person, his parental struggles, over anyone else's? It's good as it is, but I think it could get a lot better.

My last critique; Natalie. I get that you're trying to portray a timid girl, but you're going a little overboard. The way she's acting, you'd think she was a mute who was, unbeknownst to those around her, was being threatened (or her family, depending) to buy all that milk. Quiet, nervous, almost paranoid. Doesn't have time for niceties, for politeness, doesn't want to drag anyone into this or have them get in the way. I'd say, have her relax a little bit, especially since we don't know why she's like this. Is she like this all the time, or is it a special situation? Even quiet, paranoid people aren't complete timid deer in the face of a hungry lion.

Oh, and one more thing about her - the milk. That has potential to be a very good hook; something to make us wonder, "what's up with that?" and to really want to keep reading to find out. But I don't think enough lure out of it. He sort of dismisses it with a joke about cats; I'd dwell on it a little more. Create more scenarios. Make him genuinely curious. Because if that were me, I would be, and I imagine there are a lot of other people that would be too.

Okay, so those are the bad things. They're done with. Now onto the good (which should probably come at the start, but that's not really how I roll).

This got me interested. Like, really interested. I want to keep reading. I want to know more about Natalie. Dan has a good voice with nice descriptions, and his worries seemed real. The way he and his friends interacted was also life-like (at least it seemed that way to me - being a teenage girl, I wouldn't really know how they act around each other with no one else really around or listening, but it wasn't stilted or fake off the bat, so that's good). The way you describe actions and setting is generally good, easy to picture and follow.

And like I said, I want to keep reading. With all works, that's the main goal. If you can accomplish that, then you may just have something.

Sorry if I sounded harsh Pinkers (I tend to point out a lot of specific bad things with only being general in my good). But I like this, almost as much as I like you.

If you want another review (God knows why you would... >.>), you know where to reach me. =)

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Thanks for the review Ultra! You actually did point out a few good specks about this. I was actually thinking that the whole drunk father thing was going to be a bit cliche but I have my reasons for making him the way he is and it's going to play a part in the story so I need him that way. But...maybe he'll change. Who knows.

Also, as for the mirror scenes. I just didn't know how else to word that. I just stuck it in there. xD
I'll probably just take that out...Yeah, I think I will. ^__^

I'm glad you liked the title, I was debating about that for a while too. This still needs some more work though but as I mentioned, I'm going to just have fun with this instead of being paranoid over little things and write with my inspiration. The little details can wait until I'm done with this. xD

I'm really glad you reviewed this. I'll be making tweaks and stuff as I go.
As for Natalie, I wanted her to come over a bit strong at first so readers get curious over her and her overly timid personality. However, she's not going to be like that. The situation will be explained further so don't worry about her character too much.

Thanks again for the review!
-Pink

Oh! Oh! Oh! Yay!

*Saves herself a review spot*

I'll be back.

You posted it and didn't tell? *sobs* Anyways, I'll review it by Tuesday!

Hey! It's Gheala. Remember me??
Before I read this, I want to say that I'm so excited! I made myself a cup of tea and hope your writings would make the headache go away.
Let's start!

Obviously you have some interest in soccer and that's noticeable by reading the description of your player's moves. Your words were simple when you showed how determined and hopeful he was before he kicked the ball in the first few paragraphs, but they surely made me see the moves clearly.

With amazement, I watched the checkered ball soar into the blue, up and past the net, over the fence and then watched it bounce on the other side of the field.

I think the 'amazement' shouldn't be in the beginning of the line. I mean, he'll probably be watching the ball with anticipation, then he's amazed or disappointed that it wasn't a goal after all. What do you think?

Defeated, I fell onto the ground and plucked a chunk of grass with my fingers.

Oh! I love this line. You see how simple you show feelings? It's amazing. Again, it makes it easy to imagine the scene.

Last year, we were two games away from the semi-finals and we didn’t make it because I missed the pass. So I practiced all summer in hopes that this year, I’d help out a little more, that we’d get just an inch closer to that trophy.

I liked that. It was a short update, but told me why he was so upset about missing a goal. Nice. (I can't do short updates, I'm too talkative while I write )

It flew over the goal box completely and landed on the other side of the school yard.

I had a feeling that phrase wasn't necessary, because you've described before how he missed the goal.

I groaned just thinking about.

"... thinking about it"

My house wasn’t the greatest places in the world.

"... greatest place."

“Hey!” I found myself pacing after her. “Hey!” I put my hand on her cart when she didn’t stop for me.

Whoa! I'm interested! What's going to happen?

***********************
It was so funny! I was going to start by telling you how good the writing style is, but as I went through the strange encounter with Natalie, now I just want to tell you how I'm very interested in her. She reminds me of Aurora, lol. I think every petite girl reminds me of her, but anyway! With the real review, now...

You have voices. For each character, you have a different voice and attitude, to the extent that I might in fact know who's talking if you don't tell us who said what. Somehow, you managed to capture an important quality in each and every character. For instance, I think we all can see how strange Natalie is. How she looked at him from the corner of her eyes and how her stares grew angry and repulsed when he caught her cart to stop her. Very good, I like that in main characters.

Unlike most romantic novels, you gave a character to your narrator. Remember how Bella in Twilight almost had no personality? She liked the sun and she had divorced parents, so what? No, your MC likes soccer, which means he likes challenges. He isn't really cold or rude like most romance novels, even though he obviously has problems with his father. I say, in the future, emphasize on your narrator's personality like you did here.
This is actually very good for a first chapter. I mean, wow! I usually don't like first chapters in novels.

Now, I have just one remark about that goal he missed. I understand he practiced a lot to get better in the game, but after he missed it, he gave me hints that made my imagination grow wild. For instance, he thought that there was something else other than cheerleaders that distracted him from playing well. I think if it was a problem or something bothering him, he would have known that it was the source of distraction. What I mean to say is: If the actual reason is something important to your novel in the future and something that he didn't already knew it caused him distraction (like someone casting a spell on him or something) then keep his thoughts that way. But if it's a problem he already has or something that already bothers him, then he should give us a hint about what he's thinking about. Because surely, he would be self-aware enough to know what problem that distracted him.

So, is it an old problem? Or is it something mysterious that disturbed him, which we'll know about later? ... Sorry, if I confused you, but that's my first impression about his thoughts.

I loved it and I want to read more, okay? So post more and tell me once you do. Guess what? The headache is gone and it probably isn't the tea that forced it away.
I know I wasn't helpful and I'm sorry about that, Cutie

사랑해요 <3

Wifey, tis me! Sorry about the delay!

First off, I have to agree with Violet about the scene at the beginning. I was so confused that he just went and sat down in the middle of the game. I was really, really confused. So I reread, thinking maybe I'd skipped the part where he was benched. THEN I realised it was a practice. So...Um, maybe thinking that one over?

I closed in on the skinny goalie that stood like a moving brick wall in my path.

Unlike Violet, I think you should keep this. I thought it was a nice way of saying that the goalie was good at what he did. I thought it was a very showy way of saying it.

I also almost rolled my eyes at the whole drunken father bit. I've read too much of those (Stop and Stare is the first one that comes to mind right now) but your Thorns and Roses is a good example of another father/child relationship gone wrong. But I trust you'll give us a good reason for it.

I actually like Natalie. I didn't think it was too much. I might have reacted something like it when I was in high school, in the early years, if one of the popular kids had approached me. So, I felt for her and I understand her.

Can't wait to read more. It's interesting, so far, as are you characters.

Bring it on!

Tanya

ohhaithere. I was just going to edit the post I already made, but then I realised you won't get this notification informing you that I have returned. You must know of my presence. You simply must.

Anyways, yay! You've finally posted something! You should turn into me and flood the forums with your writing. It would be cool. I've gotten here early(ish)... kinda... so I might actually be able to help you (famous last words there). If you have any questions or want to give me feedback on this review once I'm done, you know where to find me. In the zoo eating penguins On my wall or whatever. ^^

I also almost rolled my eyes at the whole drunken father bit. I've read too much of those (Stop and Stare is the first one that comes to mind right now)

Iseh cuz im cool, ye?

You can't beat a good cliché, eh? Nah, I have full faith in you on that, Punk. I know you'll make the father's character more complex than the drunken dad. You better had, anyway, otherwise I'm coming to hunt you down. Because I'm a perverted stalker, I noticed you saying on Tanya's wall that you had some things planned for Dan and his relationship with the old man, so it's good to know you do, in fact, have plans for him. I'm too impatient to plan things, which probably explains the amount of rewrites I do, so I admire you. But yeah, as for the father/son relationship, just be careful with it. I know you'll do a good job of it though.

Before I begin on the critiques, is it worrying that I really want Natalie to actually be a lesbian...? It would be rather amusing. I'm assuming she's not, but hey, I can pretend.

Okay, so I'm going to be a sheep and agree with what Tanya and ultra-v said. I was a weeny bit confused about the football game scene. I also assumed it was a game Dan was playing in rather than practising, so I was surprised when I found out the cheerleaders were practising beside them instead of, like, cheering them on in a game. Your descriptions of Dan's actions were really great though, by the way. Vivid and clear. As for the fact that he was practising, not playing in a proper game though, I was a bit confused about the whole situation. I won't drag this on though because you've already gotten critiques about this.

I'm not actually sure what this next point is... I wouldn't say it's a critique, maybe more of a passing comment...? This is the first chapter, so I don't want to make assumptions about Natalie, but she kinda, sorta reminded me of Luke in the first chapter or two of Taboo. It's the whole silent, but kind of creepy vibe she gives off, methinks. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, and chances are that she's completely different to Luke, so I won't get all detailed with this. It has made me interested in her though, so there's a thumbs up there, I guess. You're probably reading this and thinking, "WHA IS U TALKIN BOUT, FREAK?!!?! SHE IS NUFFIN LIKE LUKE!" and you are probably right, but hey, I have a screwed up mind.

Hmmmm... *is struggling to find critiques* I hate reviewing your stuff. It's too good. Errr... H'okay, this isn't exactly a critique either, but I want to bring up Dan's relationship with his buddies. This is going to sound really weird, but I found that they were kind of acting too, err, guyish at times. It kind of feels like you're trying to make Dan sound guyish so people don't mistake him for a girl or something, and complain about that. Even though I did like their banter, it seemed kind of like what's stereotyped as "man-talk". You know, talking about girls a lot, trying to act all hard around each other and making fun of each other. Guys do obviously talk about that, but they talk about other junk too. In fact, just the other day, a group of guys in my school were talking about how one of their cats had gotten stuck on their shed.

You're probably verbally abusing me (or technically your computer screen) right now because I'm saying this, so I am sorry for getting all annoying and overly paranoid. This is more of a personal thing for me, I think, so it's totally cool if you want to disagree with me.

“Naw, it was just those hot girls. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them.” I grinned and joined Weasel in his game of picking out the hot cheerleaders and the not-so-hot ones.

It's just that comments like these kind of, I don't know... I'm not keen on them. Okay, the cheerleaders are hot, Dan... you have mentioned that a few times. I don't expect them to talk about manicures or something, but they seem to be having the kind of conversations that you see in all of those American jock films (movies), you know? Like I said before, there's nothing wrong with that, I guess, but I'm a paranoid banshee, so I did notice it. A number of Dan's thoughts can also be a bit like he's showing off that he's a dude too, but overall, they're cool.

I've rambled way too much again. This is turning into the last review I gave Shubhi... It's stupid because I've technically give you one critique and that was the same as Tanya and ultra-v's too. I guess you could take note of the other things though...? Right? Maybe... No... Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. I've been so useless. >.<

Overall, I really like this. I adore football (or soccer in America land), so this is definitely right up my street. You have good characterisation skills, you can describe actions so well, I'm extremely jealous 'cause I suck at that, and you describe your surroundings well too. I think this could end up being a really cool novel! With some tweaking here and there, this chapter could be totally even more awesomer.

Keep writing, and sorry for the useless rambling!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Spoiler

My God, I have blabbered, haven't I? This is way too long. Err, sorry...

Hey Pink,

I'm reviewing this pretty much entirely because there's football involved, and you seem to use a lot of strange language. I'm going to assume "make a goal" is an Americanism, because we'd describe that as "score a goal." You also seem to use kick in lieu of shoot quite a lot. Is that normal, too?

Also, it seems pretty harsh to judge somebody on one shot. I can understand people being frustrated with him, but it's a huge stretch of logic to assume he's not practiced all summer just off one shot.

Anyway, that over with, I'll talk about some general writing stuff as I'm here.

I heard the chant and cheers of the cheerleaders from the off side of the field.

I found this quite strange just because "offside" describes something entirely different in football (as I'm sure you know. I'm not trying to be patronising, sorry), so it was jarring. I'm not even sure what "the off side of the field" is. Do you just mean on the sideline?

I aimed to cut the distance between me and the goalie as much as possible.

I think you got this wrong. A striker wouldn't want to cut down the distance between themselves and the goalie, because that would make it more difficult to score, as the shot would be easier to save, there would be less choices, the angles have been closed down, etc. So it was an odd description.

With a grunt, he lay down on his belly and propped his chin on his palms while gingerly eyeing the girls.

He lay down on his belly? Haha, I laughed out loud here. Not in a bad way ... just imagining a guy grabbing and shaking another guy and then suddenly lying down on the field and eyeing up girls that way. It strikes me as quite anti-manly in every way.

“You don’t have to be an asshole.” I slapped Weasel’s butt and stood up.

Haha, I laughed again. Is slapping butts banterous behaviour in America?

My house wasn’t the greatest places in the world.

*place. Also it would seem more logical to describe it as "Our house" as this point.

On a general note, the whole thing reminded me of football books I used to read as a kid -- always with a no-hoper player who turned into the greatest footballer ever later on and got the girl as well. No bad thing, but it did seem slightly juvenile in its language and style. I'm guessing intentionally so. I agree with other reviewers that the characters have the potential to be stock stereotypes, but I won't judge before I give you more of a chance to develop them.

But good stuff, mostly, you have a nice, easy style and I found myself willing to read something I normally wouldn't, so thanks.

Hi!
I really enjoyed reading this!
I wouldn't change a thing, the writing was creative, fun, and overall amazing!
I cannot wait to read the rest, please tell me when you post the continuation!
Good job and thank you for posting it!

Hey Pink! Your title has intrigued me, so I'm here for a review (oh, and I lost... if you don't understand, I promise you don't want to...).

He kicked the soccer ball and it whizzed across the blades of grass. With a twist, I captured the target underneath my heel. Without wasting a second, my foot moved accordingly as I tried to control the ball between my feet.

Sounds like an awful lot of words to say "he passed the ball and I kicked it up the field". Well, you want to be more eloquent than that, but there comes to a point where eloquence becomes wordiness. This, here, is needlessly wordy. Trim it down a bit and get to the point, your reader will appreciate it.

He watched the soccer ball bounce behind the woods of Saltwood High’s soccer field.

I think there are a few words missing here. Maybe you mean "He watched the soccer ball bounce into the woods behind Saltwood High's soccer field."

I pulled out another chunk of grass and began parting the blades individually.

Aren't they at soccer practice? Why are they just chilling out in the grass now, when they should be practicing? Isn't their coach going to do something about that?

“Don’t deny the cheerleaders!” Weasel shouted. “I saw you glimpsing at them too!”

This is kind of a strange word for a high school guy to be saying. It just doesn't seem to fit.

The only other thing I really want to comment on is character. I'm not feeling like I'm getting very much from the characters in this chapter. It's only the first chapter, of course, but there is a certain level of character development needed in that chapter. Right now, I could place Dan into any "typical high school boy" archetype. He's sporty, but not too sporty, has a pretty crappy home life, but has some good friends to even it out. What sets him apart? What makes him so special that we want to follow his story? That is what you want to put across to the reader in a first chapter.

Also, Natalie's character is...I don't know how to describe it. Over the top maybe? I know you're trying to convey a certain personality, but its coming over really, really strong. How she acts and comes across at the end of the chapter, I almost feel like she ought to be locked up or something. I'm intrigued by her character, but it just needs to be toned down a tad. If she's more subtly strange, but Dan still takes a notice of it, then the reader will be interested in knowing more about her without her having to act so outrageous.

Other than that, lovely job. I'm interested to read more. Feel free to shoot a PM my way when/if you post more and I'd be glad to review again!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Hey Dad a.k.a Pink! Since you had provided me with a beautiful review on my novel, thanking you, I'd like to return the favour.

Spoiler

I quickly pulled my gaze from the cheerleader who was just seconds away from lifting her leg, and turned to face Weasel who was coming in like a charging rhino.

This whole sentence seems a bit long for my liking, and on top of that I had to read it twice to follow it. So, maybe you could shorten it up a bit or maybe smooth it down(divide into smaller sentences).

“I don’t know,” I shrugged.

“Natalie, the lesbian,” Mark stated.

Because it was just me and my dad, things didn’t always get cleaned or organized every day.

Umm, somebody told me, and I even know that you shouldn't be starting sentences with a conjunction.

The thing about Wal-mart was, when we went in to get one thing, you left with more than just one thing.

You used 'thing' more than once.

“I can help you with those if you need,” I said again.

Firstly, to begin with, I just found myself thinking that why would the MC sit down on the grass so soon? I mean, whent he ball went outside the limits, why did he just plopped down on the grass? I don't know but shouldn't he have gone there to check the ball or maybe wouldn't you show his friends coming to meet him, or pass any comment? I don't know if I'm even making sense but I'd like you to take a look at this scene again. Also, it felt like only these three of them were practicing for the match. Maybe they're warming up, or just practicing like that, so maybe you should be clearing up that. You mentioned the Coach being pissed off, so was he supposed to be there, or was the guy just reminding him of some earlier confrontation? Whatever it was, the whole scene showed that there were only three of them practicing, and I am not sure if that was what you had wanted.

I remember that it happened even in Taboo with Leliah so I would like to again tell that it is not the best thing for this guy to call his father 'James'. I mean it's not usual that children call their parents with their first name, until of course their parents have been separated and they've barely seen of them. But since this guy lives with his father, then he would or maybe I said 'should' have some enough respect or bonding with his father to call him 'dad'. But, yeah, if there is some other reason you kept it this way, then I won't argue.

I need to tell that how much I enjoyed reading this chapter. I mean, it was totally the kind of book I have been wanting to read these days but I, myself didn't know about it. So thanks for posting it. I really liked the backdrop. It's generally in movies that we see such kind of stories, but it is maybe high-time someone got to write it. At least, I don't see such books here in India, and if I would, I am going to immediately buy it. Anyhow, I can see how much your writing has improved since you last posted. Not as in a big improvement, since you were already a great writer, but still I felt it was a nice and even interesting beginning. One thing that I'd have to appreciate you for is that you didn't lag behind in writing the football practice scene. The words you used for his actions did show me how he was playing. I could picture that.

But coming to the soccer practice, I didn't really get if he, Mark and Weasel were the only ones there. I mean, if it is not an official practice then it's fine. But if it is, and you did have other guys at the ground then you should show it to us. Don't make us know every player, but maybe show how Dan looks around and finds people all around him. It's a small thing, but it would help making your character realistic.

Coming to your writing, your grammar had some minor mosquitoes again. Firstly, your commas were a bit out of place for a writer like you, and secondly your dialog tags were a bit weak. I mean, once you helped me with them in one of your reviews, but then I spotted the same error for you. I have quoted some of those, but I might have missed them out. So I'll just explain what I actually mean.

"Don't give me that crap," Claudia huffed.
"Don't give me that crap." Claudia huffed and spun on her heels as she blew past the mud into mini sandstorms.
Now what I mean by these examples is maybe clear to you by now, but I'd still like to explain it. In the first one, I had a comma after the dialog ended because of the reason that there was just one verb and nothing else. But in the second one, there's another individual sentence which stands out on its own. So for that I have put a fullstop rather than a comma.

One small thing that I would like to tell is that your MC's name is taken just once in the entire story. I am not sure if it was on purpose but by the time the story ended I had literally forgotten the name of the MC, and I had to skim through the page to try and look if he had been called by his name anywhere. It was just once you used his name, so I was confused. But I wouldn't ask you to change that, but maybe you should consider it since normally when people are talking to you, they're ought to address you by your name at least once in the entire conversation. That seems like a realistic dialog. But don't go on calling his name twice thrice. That would again be unrealistic.

I would have to disagree with Violet(sorry, Violet ) that Natalie's timid character has been taken overboard. I think, she is kind of more interesting to read than whatever was in the whole story. I like personalities in writing like that and if sometimes people thing that you'd overdoing it, then maybe that's a different kind of hidden appreciation because projecting a character is the toughest thing and if people notice a certain thing about the character, then half the job of your writing is already done. So, don't change any of Natalie's paranoid behaviour. Also, you did leave us with a cliffhanger saying that maybe it was Dan who was the reason. So maybe we would come to see a specific reason for all this.

All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and even though it still needs some tweaking, I think it would be excellent. There are some small things like descriptions you need to put more effort on, but you've still made it pretty good. Now coming to descriptions, let me warn you that I am the worst person to tell you this for I include so much of descriptions. But I don't ask you to overload your story with them, but most certainly this piece could do with more of them. Like, in the beginning let some crazy or distractive thoughts about how the cheerleaders caught Dan's attention come-lewd things only guys can think and rather than telling us that they distracted her, maybe show more. Also, I might add that the part where Dan goes to Wal-mart seems a tiny little bit rushed but I think you can ignore that for now.

Also, you said that his dad was to be home today or would be coming back today(I don't remember). It's too early to say anything but what is it that keeps him home for only sometime? Is he on a night-shift job? I look a bit silly asking this but I just had this question in my mind so don't take it as a problem area, but just a question from an inquisitive reader.

Anyways, a good start to something I hope you won't abandon, and I would love to see more of this in future.

~Shrubbery

Ahoy, Pinky! I said I would come, and I have. Sorry it's so late. :/ I'm not sure what I can say after all these fantastic reviews that you've gotten, but I'll try my best. Just a warning: I've only skimmed the other reviews (did I mention I don't have a ton of time right now?) so please pardon me if I repeat anything.

First off, I'm intrigued! I think you've got a lot of good things going here. Of course, I don't really know what you have in mind (except, since it's a Romance, that Dan and Natalie might get together at some point?) but I think you have a good set-up so far. And your characters are interesting. Not so sure about your minor characters, but Dan seems good (hard on himself, a little timid but also outgoing, easy to relate to) and Natalie is definitely intriguingly eccentric. I want to know more about her. I'm not going to ramble on about this, but nice job. It doesn't seem like my kind of novel (sports? Romance? Nuh-huh) but I'm still interested in where you take it.

That said, I am quite confused by the soccer scene (and I'm also confused to see all those Brits calling it football in their reviews >.<). I don't know much anything at all about playing soccer, so I'm going to take this from an emotional standpoint, rather than a technical one. One second, he's oggling at cheerleaders, then he's sitting there chatting with a bunch of his friends and oggling at the cheerleaders some more... only now he's disappointed in himself for one little mistake he made? I know you probably don't want to bore us with gameplay details (and believe me, I appreciate that!), but I'd like to see more leadup to his disappointment. He honestly doesn't really seem to care much--he seems like he thinks he should care, so he tries to make himself care. Maybe if you introduced the feeling like he has to prove himself a little earlier on? Have more of a "I better show them how much I improved" thing going on before the kickything or whatever it is he does?

Also, it might just be me and the fact that I was reading this rather quickly in a public space, but I was a little confused by the conversation in the beginning. It took me a while to realize that he was talking to more than one person. =_= Maybe add in some overall descriptive sections to help me know what's going on a little better? Some definitive visual character descriptions would be nice, too, since you've really just given us little hints about what people look like and I thought that was a little hard to follow.

I agree with what someone (ultraviolet?) said about the milk--I'd like to see a stronger response to that. Actually, I'd like to see stronger responses from Dan in general. It's a little hard to know what he's thinking sometimes. And it's hard to tell if he's genuine or not. For example, all the stuff with oggling at the cheerleaders feels a little put-on to me. Now, you're a girl, so I'm guessing that it is awkward to write that stuff... but I think you still need to work on it a bit. I feel like right now it's "I looked at the cheerleaders because they were hot," which is kind of flat. I'd rather more descriptions, more detail--not necessarily detail about how hot the cheerleaders are, but more detail about his emotions in general.

The whole interaction with his father seemed surprisingly immature, to me. I assume he's like eighteen, and when he was complaining about the milk he seemed like he was twelve. That might be intentional, I'm not sure. It just felt really petty--once again, I'd like to see more reasons behind his emotions so I can understand them better. I'd like to know about all the things that have building up to make him so frustrated with his father. And then he just gets in the car and goes off to buy milk, apparently forgetting about his little tantrum at home. That mood-change was a bit sudden for my liking--I don't really understand it.

Anyhow, sorry if this doesn't help at all. >.> At least I wrote it, eh? I think my biggest critique so far would be to really show the reasons behind emotions because your character is coming across as a bit flat even though I know he isn't really. Bah, my review pales in comparison to all the other ones you've gotten. =_= Oh well. That should teach me to be so late.

If you wanna talk about any of this, you know where to find me: In the zoo with Skins on my wall or whatever.

a

Okay, I really liked this story first off. It was definitely interesting but I wish it was longer! It leaves you hanging, which is good but it sucks sometimes when you get people into it. The one thing that I didn't like is when you said manly space? I think. With that line I think that it should be changed because it seems very... elementary. I think I read that you're... nineteen. My little brother says manly spot, he's six. Don't take it badly, but I just think that word choice could be a little better. Over all its a really good story and I hope to goodness you write more. I like how truthful it is, even if it might offend some people. But thats totally cool. Good luck.

Wow. So first of all, i loved the title of the story...and the way you started it. It kept me reading till the end...honestly i was sad when it endend -__- I CANT WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!! =) 'Cause your story is awesome ! Keep it up