Unexpected! Chapter 4

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Chapter 4


The rest of the week went by pretty fast. It was Friday and I was walking to English with Katelyn. I was adjusting to the school pretty well and Katelyn and I became good friends fast, along with the rest of the gang. And Jake and I had been texting all week.

“So what time are we going shopping tomorrow?” Katelyn asked as we sat down in front of Liz.

“Ugh, I don’t know. I guess it depends on what time we wake up.” I replied.

“Hey, do ya’ll think I could go shopping with ya’ll tomorrow?” Liz asked shyly. I hadn’t thought of inviting Liz, but it was a great idea. Liz was really nice and it would be fun.

“Um sure that sounds great. We can pick you up at your house tomorrow.” I told her after looking at Katelyn to see if it was okay.

“Okay cool, this will be fun.” She smiled excitedly.

She was right this weekend was going to be a blast! We listed to Ms. Niemi drone on and on about Shakespeare for the remainder of the class. Five minutes until the bell my phone vibrated.

“Katelyn why is Jake texting me?” I asked her, whispering.

“I don’t know, just because I’m his twin doesn’t mean I can read his mind.” She answered back teasing.

I opened up the message to see what was so important to tell me that he couldn’t wait until lunch.

We need to talk at lunch. But don’t reply my ringer is on

“What he want?” Katelyn asked me curiously.

“Uh, he said he wanted to talk to me at lunch.” I told her confused. What could it be about?

“About what?” she asked the same question I was thinking.
“I don’t know,” I told her as the bell rang “but I guess I’ll find out.” We gathered up our things and made our way to the cafeteria. When we got there I couldn’t find Jake. I told Katelyn to go ahead and eat and I waited for him by the door.

“Hi” I jumped at the sound of his voice. He walked up behind me.

“Oh hi Jake, I was wondering where you were. You scared me, again.” I accused him teasing. When I looked at him he looked so nervous, what on his mind dang it?

“I’m sorry. We need to talk, but let’s go somewhere less crowded.” He took my hand and starting dragging me across the cafeteria. As soon as his hand met mine a rush of warmth spread through me. I followed him willingly and he led me to the farthest end of the cafeteria.

“Okay what’s this all about, Jake?” I asked, my curiosity getting the best of me.

“Well, okay…” he looked down at our still entwined hands and blushed, and then he dropped my hand and looked into my eyes, and continued. “Well um… I guess I’ll just come out and say it.” He stopped to take a deep breath, “I like you April, a lot.”

I looked at him shocked. “Wow… I mean you do?” I was blushing like crazy, and he took my hand again, clearly confident because of my reaction.

He looked at me smiling. “Yes April, I do. I know I haven’t known you very long but I can’t stop thinking about you! Will you please go out with me?” he asked, his eyes seemed to become a brighter blue than usual.

“Um yeah… sure… Absolutely.” I was babbling, still shocked.

“April, just a simple yes would do.” He said teasing me.

I blushed “yes.” I whispered.

That cute smile of his reappeared on his face. “Okay then, let’s go eat.” We walked hand in hand through the lunch line, and I couldn’t get the smile off my face, not that I wanted to. The warmth I felt earlier had heated up even more and sent a tingle all the way from my head to my toes. By the time we made it to our table everyone’s eyes was on us. Jake pulled out my chair for me and of course I blushed which of course everybody got to talking, which made me blush even more.

Katelyn eyed us suspiciously. “Jake?” she asked.

“Yes my dear sister?” he answered her sending a quick smile my way.

“Did you ask April out?” she questioned him further.

“Yes, yes I did.” His smile grew even bigger.

“Yay! Finally!” she exclaimed excitedly and clasped her hand over her mouth and giggled happily.

“Congratulations” Liz told us smiling; she was holding back giggles too. Courtney looked completely ticked off and very jealous.

“Thank you Liz, I’m pretty happy,” I told her smiling.

“I hope so or I’m in trouble.” Jake laughed giving me his adorable smile.

“Well I’m just glad I don’t have to hear Jake talking about asking you out anymore.” Damien told me laughing, and grinning at Jake.

“Yeah me too” Austin chimed in grinning.

Katelyn glared at Damien. “You knew and you didn’t tell me!”

“Hey don’t get mad at me, Jake made me promise not to tell you.” Damien pleaded with her.

She swung her glare to Jake, who just smiled her way. “Well Katelyn, I wanted to keep it a secret, and well your not so good at keeping those.” He informed her.

She pouted and then sighed. “Whatever.”

“I can’t believe this.” Courtney blurted out. She stood and stomped out of the cafeteria.

“What’s her problem?” Jake asked.

I looked at him, how could he not know? “She likes you Jake.” I told him looking for any sign of happiness on his face. She was way prettier than I was. There was none.

“Oh, and she jealous of my beautiful girlfriend right?” he asked smiling at me.

I blushed and nodded. I wasn’t used to being called beautiful.

“Well Courtney doesn’t like April at all, and she said that if you ever asked her out she would hate all of us.” Liz told Jake.

“That’s terrible!” Katelyn gasped.

“Well we can’t all be as nice as you sis.” Jake laughed, but he sounded a little mad that Courtney didn’t like me.

“Ha-ha well she can go screw herself for all I care.” Katelyn said sarcastically.

“Katelyn!” I was shocked to hear her say that. She was always so sweet.

“What April? You didn’t know my sister wasn’t as innocently as she looked?” he laughed. “But she’s right you know. If Courtney doesn’t like you there’s obviously something wrong with her.” He continued.

I blushed; all these compliments were making me uncomfortable. But it really touched me that everyone took offense to Courtney on my behalf.

“I have to go to math, come on Katelyn. I’ll see you in gym.” I smiled at him and got up to leave. He stood too and gave me a quick hug. Then Katelyn and I hurried off to class.

At the end of gym class Jake walked me to my car. “How about dinner and a movie Sunday? He asked me.

“Sounds good.” I said smiling. We made it to my car where Katelyn was waiting patiently.

“Great, I’ll pick you up at seven o’ clock sharp. Bye girls.” He walked away to his truck as we called bye.
“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
E. L. Doctorow




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I've never read any of your chapters before this but I'll go ahead and review this anyway because I caught on to what was going on pretty fast.

The main problem I saw was your dialogue.
“Ugh, I don’t know. I guess it depends on what time we wake up.” I replied.

When the person is just talking normally (in other words not asking a question or saying something that requires a exclamation point) you wouldn't use a period at the end of what they're saying, rather a comma and then close the quote and end with the tag. So your sentence should read like this:
“Ugh, I don’t know. I guess it depends on what time we wake up,” I replied.

I found this problem with a lot of your dialogue, although I did find a couple that you did right.

The other problem with your dialogue was your dialogue tags.
“Okay cool, this will be fun.” She smiled excitedly.

You seem to put an adjective at the end of everything they say. That can get rather annoying after a while and it really brings the fluency of the story down. It's okay to do every once in a while because sometimes it's needed, but you overdid it a little bit. Also if you are going to do that you need a comma before the adjective. It just makes the sentence easier to read and understand.

The last problem with your dialogue was the tags as a whole were overdone. It's not necessary to put "he said" "she said" every time someone says something. That also brings the fluency down. Dialogue tags are only necessary when the reader needs to know who's speaking. You should trust that your reader can figure out who's talking when it's just between two people and you already mentioned who was talking earlier. But with that you also need to add a new tags every few lines so the reader doesn't get lost. I think every three to four lines is a good rule to go by. But make it sound natural and not like you on purposely put it in there because you had to.

Spoiler
Okay time for the grammar nitpicks (They're what I do best:))
“Um, sure that sounds great.

“Okay cool; this will be fun.” She smiled excitedly.

We listened to Ms. Niemi drone on and on about Shakespeare for the remainder of the class.

“Katelyn why is Jake texting me?” I asked her, whispering.

Remember to add a comma after the name of someone when they're speaking to that person. It makes it easier to understand she's not talking about Katelyn, rather to Katelyn.
But don’t reply my ringer is on.

“What didhe want?” Katelyn asked me curiously.

“I don’t know,” I told her as the bell rang, “but I guess I’ll find out.”

When I looked at him he looked so nervous, what on his mind dang it?

Those two should be complete different sentences rather than separated with a comma. I also suggest you change the last bit to italic so the reader knows it's what she's thinking.
“Well, okay…” he looked down at our still entwined hands and blushed, and then he dropped my hand and looked into my eyes, and continued. “Well um… I guess I’ll just come out and say it.” He stopped to take a deep breath, “I like you April, a lot.”

I looked at him shocked. “Wow… I mean you do?” I was blushing like crazy, and he took my hand again, clearly confident because of my reaction.

He looked at me smiling. “Yes April, I do. I know I haven’t known you very long but I can’t stop thinking about you! Will you please go out with me?” he asked, his eyes seemed to become a brighter blue than usual.

It takes a lot for a guy to come up to a girl and admits that he likes her (guys never do that at my school). I thought this could have a been done a bit better. Your first line kind of gives a hint of a little bit of nervousness but unless this guy thought he was all that I think he would be a bit more nervous. Sweating perhaps. Use your imagination:)
I blushed.Yes.” I whispered.

That cute smile of his reappeared on his face. “Okay then, let’s go eat.” We walked hand in hand through the lunch line, and I couldn’t get the smile off my face, not that I wanted to. The warmth I felt earlier had heated up even more and sent a tingle all the way from my head to my toes. By the time we made it to our table everyone’s eyes was on us. Jake pulled out my chair for me and of course I blushed which of course everybody got to talking, which made me blush even more.

He just asked her out and that's his reaction to her saying yes? I'm sorry, but I've having a hard time picturing this. It just doesn't seem real to me.
“Well Katelyn, I wanted to keep it a secret, and well... your not so good at keeping those.” He informed her.

I thought that would add more emotion to the sentence.
I looked at him, how could he not know?

Those also need to be two separate sentences.
“Well we can’t all be as nice as you, sis.” Jake laughed, but he sounded a little mad that Courtney didn’t like me.

“I have to go to math, come on, Katelyn.

Either a semi-colon or a new sentence needs to be there.
“How about dinner and a movie Sunday?" He asked me.


I think overall it's a good story and definitely one ever teenager can relate to. Although after reading it I wondered if it belonged in Romantic Novels rather than General Novels. But then again this is the only chapter I read so as far as I know the main plot could have nothing to do with love. But if this is the main plot then Romantic Novels would be perfect.

It also was a cute story. I enjoyed reading it.

Great job and keep writing!
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D



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if you're going to commit food crimes be civilized
— Moonlily