Belliveau

I'm having trouble getting the story going, I've been writing for 2 years now and I have no idea where it's going its written in parts, so it doesnt flow...this is part one

well here it is...as much constructive criticism as possible

“You know I only want the best for you” he said with a guilty conscience. I didn’t look at him and I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage, ya know the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world. I’m not like that though, I was just furious. “Jasmine, I know how much you hate moving all the time so I thought this would be the best solution…” he remarked. I rolled my eyes, and then suddenly I looked at him and was upset with myself for acting like a selfish brat. It’s only been my father and I since my mother passed away. He raised me well, and how do I repay him? acting like a bitch.

The next day was my flight and I wasn’t in the best mood, I hadn’t gotten sleep all night because planes weren’t exactly my favorite thing. But that wasn’t the only thing keeping me up, it finally hit me, I was going away to boarding school, away from my dad for the first time. My dad stayed with me until it was time to board the plane, I was tense and I felt like crying, “Do I really have to go?” I blurted out, right after they called for first class passengers. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, “Hey, listen” he began softly, “I’ll come see you, I promise.” he said. That didn’t answer my question, it just made me blubber. He sympathized me, he then shooed me onto the plane. He promised not to leave until the plane left for Cali. I had never left Boston before because we had only been there for about 3 weeks.

Once the plane took off I was fine, I was thinking about my dad the entire time. I loved him, even though it didn’t show sometimes, but he’s all I got and he’s the only one I trust. One of the things me and my dad have in common is our eyes, that dark brown with a hint of green, it was pretty hard to be angry with him after you looked into those eyes. I missed his hair, his dark brown hair that use to turn golden in the summer, his hair had to be cut off when he enlisted in the army. Yes, I’m an army brat, can’t you tell?

I smirked a bit when I thought about going to the school, my cousin Ricky was there so I wouldn’t be too lonely. It’s not like I was planning on being an outcast or anything, but sometimes I can be shy, but this was a chance to start fresh since I would be there for a while.

I must of dozed off because I was awoken by the sound of the stewardess “Welcome to California!”. My heart was starting to race, what if this place had a bunch of stuck up losers? I shook the idea out of my head and grabbed my stuff so I could get off the plane.

I immediately say a sign that said “Belliveau Boarding School”, that was obviously for me. “ Good evening, you must be Jasmine” the man was very nice but he had an odor of too much cologne and Chinese food.


to be continued

"...ya know..."

That bothered me... The rest of the story... didn't really have the word YA though... *shrugs*
I have to go to school in an hour so I can't do much because I'm really nitpicky... but on a final note

"the man was very nice but he had an odor of too much cologne and Chinese food."
Try rewording it... it sounded too ... choppy, with the one and two syllable words.
I liked it though... at least YOU can write a story, my attention span is that of a rodent... OOH CHEESE!

Hey;

To start this off, I definately sympathize with you here. I have also had projects that take extended periods of time. But kudos to you for not giving up! Ahhh, I see you did the boarding school bit, that was rather excellent. I am always sending my characters off to boarding school or catholic school because I have a rather obsessive fascination with school uniforms....Moving on from that...I liked especially that you gave Jasmine a cousin, Ricky. The beginning started off a bit fast and I see you need some help with your paragraphing, which is fine. Let me get down to the actual critique, but before I do, I just wanted to tell you I really liked this.
Oh, and one more thing: Welcome to the site! I think you're really going to like it here. My name's Misty (lol, as if you couldn't see that). Nice to meet you!

“You know I only want the best for you” he said with a guilty conscience. I didn’t look at him and I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage, ya know the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world. I’m not like that though, I was just furious. “Jasmine, I know how much you hate moving all the time so I thought this would be the best solution…” he remarked. I rolled my eyes, and then suddenly I looked at him and was upset with myself for acting like a selfish brat. It’s only been my father and I since my mother passed away. He raised me well, and how do I repay him? acting like a bitch.

Okay, I'm not positive but I think the paragraphing should look like this:

"You know I only want the best for you," he said with a guilty consceince.

I didn't look at him and I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage, ya knowthe kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world. I'm not like that though, I was just furious..

"Jasmine, I know how much you hate moving all the time so I thought this would be the best solution," he remarked.

I rolled my eyes, and then suddenly I looked at him and was upset with myself for acting like a selfish brat. It's only been my father and I since my mother passed away. He raised me well, and how do I repay him? acting like a bitch.
------

Okay, so the general idea of paragraphing is like a camera in a movie. When the camera moves, the paragraph changes. So when he's talking, the camera's on him. Then the attention is moved to her, so the paragraph changes. Then he talks, back to him. She thinks, back to her. Got it? Lol. Now, for the critique part:

"You know I only want what's best for you," he said with a guilty conscience.

Ok---but unless she's a mind reader, how will she know that his conscience is guilty? Perhaps a guilty look on his face would be better.

I didn't look at him and I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage, ya knowthe kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world. I'm not like that though, I was just furious..

Haha I actually liked the "ya know," it puts her voice in a bit. You need a space between knowthe so it's know the. The beginning of the sentence is a bit run-on, so maybe you should go, "I didn't look at him, I just crossed my arms and pouted like a teenager." I like how she clarified her feelings in the last sentence.

"Jasmine, I know how much you hate moving all the time so I thought this would be the best solution," he remarked.[/quote]

I wouldn't use the word "remarked" here. Perhaps, "said." Lol. Jasmine is a lovely name, I quite like it.

I rolled my eyes, and then suddenly I looked at him and was upset with myself for acting like a selfish brat. It's only been my father and I since my mother passed away. He raised me well, and how do I repay him? acting like a bitch.

This is a bit cliche. The first sentence, I would say, should be more like this, "I rolled my eyes, then finally looked at him. I was upset with myself for acting like a selfish brat." Otherwise it's a bit run-on. Next sentence you slip into present tense. Gotta be careful not to do that. The last sentence is exceptionally cliche, I really would change it.

The next day was my flight and I wasn’t in the best mood, I hadn’t gotten sleep all night because planes weren’t exactly my favorite thing. But that wasn’t the only thing keeping me up, it finally hit me, I was going away to boarding school, away from my dad for the first time. My dad stayed with me until it was time to board the plane, I was tense and I felt like crying, “Do I really have to go?” I blurted out, right after they called for first class passengers. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, “Hey, listen” he began softly, “I’ll come see you, I promise.” he said. That didn’t answer my question, it just made me blubber. He sympathized me, he then shooed me onto the plane. He promised not to leave until the plane left for Cali. I had never left Boston before because we had only been there for about 3 weeks.

The first sentence is a bit of a run on, just try to reshape it. The second sentence is okay, still needs a bit of reshaping. Paragraph before her first phrase. Then after when he starts talking. Paragraph again after "he said." The last sentence is also a bit run-on-ish. I like how you added in bits of her personality like "planes weren't exactly my favorite thing." That showed her personality really clearly and there was just a touch of refreshing sarcasm.

Once the plane took off I was fine, I was thinking about my dad the entire time. I loved him, even though it didn’t show sometimes, but he’s all I got and he’s the only one I trust. One of the things me and my dad have in common is our eyes, that dark brown with a hint of green, it was pretty hard to be angry with him after you looked into those eyes. I missed his hair, his dark brown hair that use to turn golden in the summer, his hair had to be cut off when he enlisted in the army. Yes, I’m an army brat, can’t you tell?

Lovely description, especially of the eyes. Glad you add the bit about the army, although it does sound a bit like The Little Princess. That's okay, The Little Princess is a great story.

I smirked a bit when I thought about going to the school, my cousin Ricky was there so I wouldn’t be too lonely. It’s not like I was planning on being an outcast or anything, but sometimes I can be shy, but this was a chance to start fresh since I would be there for a while.

Again a bit of a run-on. You seen to have this problem. Also again, I like the bit about her cousin, that was a nice touch. It's what separates this from most boarding school stories and you already have a new character set up. Ricky is a lovely name. It almost feels like you're setting up your characters for us beforehand just a bit, aka:

Jasmine: Princessly, sweet, kind and somewhat girly. Shy and feminine.

Ricky: Crazy, pretty, a bit rebellious, really popular with the boys (oh please let there be boys here, please please please). Ricky is the type of person who would teach Jasmine to be outgoing and fun and really happy with herself, yes? haha. And Jasmine could even shorten her name to Jazz or Jas.

I must of dozed off because I was awoken by the sound of the stewardess “Welcome to California!”. My heart was starting to race, what if this place had a bunch of stuck up losers? I shook the idea out of my head and grabbed my stuff so I could get off the plane.

Stuck up losers? Perhaps a bit too cliche.

I immediately say a sign that said “Belliveau Boarding School”, that was obviously for me. “ Good evening, you must be Jasmine” the man was very nice but he had an odor of too much cologne and Chinese food.

Ok, the first sentence is okay. Paragraph afterwards. First describe the man before explaining that he was nice (because unless she's psychic, how would she know?). Explain the odor after you explain his face.

Okay so overall this was nice. Nothing incredibly exceptional, but a decent read. To be honest, it's hard for me to be too terribly critical of this, because I see a lot of my writing style mirrored in this. Your problems are similar to mine, so let me list them.

1. You rush. This all happened in a space of four or five (rather badly plotted) paragraphs.
2. You underdescribe. We don't know what Boston was like for Jasmine in the first three weeks of living there. And personally, I would begin this story in those first weeks. We don't know what her room looks like, or what color of hair she has, or what clothes taste she has. All we got were a few cliche phrases and the fact that she hates planes.
3. You bring the reader into it. This is a serious no-no in writing. (lol). And yet i do it frequently.

The only other thing i noticed is that you slipped into present sense once. My main tip would be to slow this down a bit, start slower, have more "filler" stuff so it doesn't rush quite so much. Good luck, and if you post more, I'll crit more. By the way, my current "catholic school" piece is called Roping Dolls, and it's in other fiction if you want to have a look. No obligations. Post more soon!

hearts and hugs
~Misty

BTW, you said you are having trouble knowing where this story is going? let me direct you to some GREAT links:

http://hollylistle.com/fm/Arcticles/wc2-1.html

http://hollylistle.com/fm/Workshops/plot-outline.html.

Okay I think that's what it is. hope that works out for you

First paragraph:

“You know I only want the best for you” he said with a guilty conscience.

There should be a comma after "you", before the end of the quotation marks.

Also, "guilty conscience"? I assume you mean "guiltily", partly because this sounds awkward here and partly because since this a first person narrative, there is no way she would immediately know it had anything to do with a guilty conscience. And in the off-chance that (being his daughter and all) she did know it had something to do with a guilty conscience, there is absolutely no setup.

So, replace "with a guilty conscience" with "guiltily", or some synonym of it. Otherwise, it doesn't work.

I didn’t look at him and I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage, ya know the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world.

No real segue from "look at him" to "I crossed my arms." It does relate to the same thing — her reaction to him, but they're two separate actions and should be treated accordingly (again, unless there's some kind of segue between "I didn't look at him," and "I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenager." I'd suggest cutting the first sentence off simply at "I didn't look at him," and then tweak the second sentence so it doesn't follow the exact same structure as the preceding sentence (i.e. "I did this. I did that. I blah blah, you get the idea.") Even something small, like throwing "instead" before "I crossed my arms, etc." would work:

I didn’t look at him. Instead, I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage, ya know the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world.

There's still a couple of things to fix. First of all, I pouted like a teenager, and the comma after it should be a semi-colon or em dash. I agree with The Black Rose — the "ya know," sounds discordant in this sentence, especially since you never use it again. Also, there should be a comma after it ("ya know," that is), so:

I didn’t look at him. Instead, I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage — ya know, the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world.

(Again, the em dash can be interchanged with a semi-colon, depending on your preference.)

I’m not like that though, I was just furious.

The comma is improperly used, here. If it's imperative that you have this as one sentence, the comma should be an em dash or a semi-colon — otherwise, I'd suggest using a period. Also, there should be a comma after "that", and for more effect, I'd suggest placing this into a sentence of its own.

So you'd have:

I didn’t look at him. Instead, I crossed my arms and pouted like a teenage — ya know, the kind that holds grudges against everyone and hates the world.

I’m not like that though. I was just furious.

Okay. Moving on.

“Jasmine, I know how much you hate moving all the time so I thought this would be the best solution…” he remarked.

"Remark" isn't exactly the best verb choice here, since it suggests an off-hand comment. There are dozens of better words you can use here; find one and use it.

I rolled my eyes, and then suddenly I looked at him and was upset with myself for acting like a selfish brat.

Run-on sentence; split it up. I'd suggest cutting the first sentence off at, "eyes," snipping out "and", and starting the new sentence at "then". You might also think about commas after "then" and "suddenly":

I rolled my eyes. Then, suddenly, I looked at him and was upset with myself for acting like a selfish brat.

They're not completely necessary, but they might help.

It’s only been my father and I since my mother passed away.

It could just be me, but I think "my father and I" is needlessly awkward, especially when it could just be replaced with "us". So:

It’s only been us since my mother passed away.

* * *


The emotion in this story is kinda lacking, and by "kinda" I mean "very". You've got some very intense scenes here — where the father's trying to justify his actions to her (the opening paragraph), when she leaves for her flight, and all of the internal monologues before and after that. Yet there's little to no emotion conveyed in these passages. Spice up the drama. Use more powerful verbs. Vary the sentence structure, use single-line paragraphs. Her father uses a lot of clichés when he's talking to her — instead, convey his emotion through the dialogue.

And, again, you use a lot of really weak phrases which could be improved upon to let the emotion of the story shine through. For example, this sentence:

He raised me well, and how do I repay him? acting like a bitch.

I like the second part of the sentence ("and how do I repay him? acting like a bitch.") — I don't know of the non-capitalization of "acting" was done on purpose, but it really works here. It brings life to the story.

But.

The first part of the sentence is wooden. "He raised me well"? Is there honestly no better way to describe the way he raised her than "well"? Heck, I think it'd be more effective to simply cut out the "well" (maybe italicize the "raised" for emphasis), but as it stands now, this is a very poor description. It lacks power and emotion, let alone vitality.

The other thing that really bothered me about the story was grammar — especially punctuation, and especially punctuating the dialogue. Honestly, it isn't that hard. There are books and more books and essays and tutorials written on punctuation — spend a few minutes on Google (even less, maybe) and you should find some great material on proper dialogue format/punctuation. Heck, there are some amazing tutorials here on YWS, in the Writing Tips section. The very first sentence made me cringe, because the dialogue wasn't punctuated properly. It's shoddy work on the writer's part. I wouldn't be so annoying about it (I think, anyway ) if this wasn't such a fundamental part of story-writing. Grammar is a tool. Know it so you can use it. At the very very basic level, if you don't want to learn grammar (your writing will suffer for it), know how to do the basics. More people will (theoretically) be willing to stomach your writing if they know you can at the very least punctuate your dialogue properly.

Catchy title, though.

Good luck.