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Hiya Randomer!

So, first let me say, I really enjoyed this piece. Some of your imagery was beautiful, particularly in the beginning of the piece. It was a great way to start, with a creepy old room, because it increased the tension, and I was waiting in suspense, which kept me reading. The shadows are also something I want to find out more about, I am intrigued. You did a good job characterizing them, without being too obvious about it, very subtle. Your dialouge was also very natural, which is another thing I liked about this piece.

Essentially, you drew me in and kept me there.

I have a few suggestions. The first is your open line: change it. Your opening scene has so much to work with, so much suspense. Start with something powerful, something spooky, something dark. Make the reader feel something, if you can, that one sentence should be poetry.

The other thing I would like to mention is your MC. Essentially, we know nothing about her as a person. What's her point of view? How does she view the world differently than others? What makes her interesting? What are her weaknesses and strengths? Certainly, you shouldn't reveal all this information in the first chapter, but it is definitely something you should develop over time. Right now, your MC could be anyone, and generally, we should have some hints as to who she is as a person by the end of the first chapter.

So that's it. Wish I had something more to give you, but this was well-written. Anyway, I hope it helped! If you have any questions or comments feel free to PM me. Thanks for the great read!

Audrey

Abigail narrowed her sapphire eyes, trying to see if the room ever ended. Shadows danced in the corners of the chamber, rearing and rising to the high ceiling, twirling and churning like monsters in the gloom.This is really picky, but saying that twirling and churning makes it look like a monster seems a little odd to me. Maybe twirling and churning like a ghostly gown, or phantom fog, or whatever, but it just sounds a little weird.

The Shadows had told Abigail to keep the room a secret, but Abi wasn’t supposed to lie… she shrugged her petite shoulders. Another small thing, this seems too simply-put and blunt. I think it could be more along the lines of implied.

Things had gotten worse for everyone when he learned to walk, but he still couldn’t talk nor did he seem to understand what people said to him other than the basics.

“Uncle Joseph said to call him Daine because he doesn’t like his name and being called Uncle makes him feel like an old man.” Unlike Jakob, Alex learned to talk at an early age and his speech was almost perfect though he was only four, almost five. I like how you're developing your characters, my only piece of advice is to tweak this last sentence, because it's a run-on.

I really liked this overall, and if you just message me I'd love to read the next chapters of these (I'll try to find them on my own too). Anyway, I think it could be cleaned up just a little bit, but I like it a ton so far.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey there. I really liked this. It flowed wodnerfully, and I felt compelled to read to the end. You seem to have a very interesting set of characters here.
Your description was beautiful, but not so much that it bogged the reader down with unnecessary details. I'm having a really hard time finding something to critique here. It's hard to give a decent review when there's nothing to critique, you know. It's a shame.

having abandoned the boxes he was bringing in on the porch.

Other than that, it was great. I look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work!

Hi,

I really like this piece. Your imagery is fantastic, but your grammar isn't, in some spots. You forgot commas. I had issues with the dialogue. I could rarely ever tell who was speaking. I really hope you get the commas fixed up, and tell us what the hek is going on. What are Shadows?

Farewell,
A.