Release your pride Fall through the skies And weightless be Your eternity
Your fear shall die And you will cry "Now freedom be My eternity"
Shakespearian tongue-twister:
To sit in solemn silence In a dark, dank dock In a pestilential prison With a lifelong lock; Awaiting the sensation Of a short, sharp shock Of a cheap, chippy chopper On a big black block.
Awkward and tooooo short---definitely expand and clean up, that will leave a much deeper impact on the reader.
Since the poem is soo short, I can't really give a long and detailed review, I propose freewriting here, just rambling on for ages about the subject, and then returning to it later and editing it. Just go on forever about anything relating to this idea of your's; that means feelings, images, and thoughts. Senses and whatnot.
Keep at it---really strong image of falling through the skies and being weightless; take that and run.
FREEWRITE.
P.S.--one question, Is this about bulemia? I don't know, but if this was metaphorical, then "releasing your pride" can stand for sticking your finger in your throat and throwing up (eating too much is glutonous, which is one of the 7 deadly sins along with pride); "falling through the skies" can obviously allude to the feeling after throwing up and the travel of the puke itself; and "weightlessness" can then be taken literally as a carnal feeling.
Maybe I'm just looking too deep, a really strong, imaginative poem (which you have the makings of here), does that to me.
Keep on it!
P.P.S.--I'm not implying that I think you're bulemic, nor am I; I'm just like that.
"This is our decision, to live fast and die young... Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce, find some more models; everything must run its course!
This was very short. Aside from that, there's not much I can say except that it flowed well and the repetition actually worked pretty well, considering how short this piece was.
Like Bolshevik, I suggest expanding this piece a bit more. Right now, there's not much except a rhyme and interestingly inverted words. If you'd like your poem to be a bit more than a nice-sounding blip on your readers' radar, adding more substance for them to mull over is a good idea.
