See life is beautiful?

Life is Beautiful

Open your eyes

Can you see the animals running?

Can you see the stars shining?

Open your eyes

Can you see that life is beautiful

Can you smell the mint in the air?

Can you feel the wind in the sky?

Open your eyes

Do you see that life is beautiful?

Will you open your eyes?

Can you taste the chocolate?

Can you hear the laughter of the children?

Do you believe that life is beautiful?

Open your blinded eyes

Can you hear the sound of a heart breaking?

Can you see the love she gives you?

Open your eyes

And see her

See the life in her eyes

Can you see what you've lost?

Can you save her before she breaks?

Open you eyes

Can you see that life is beautiful?

Really nice, kind of similar to a poem I wrote, so I get your main point.

I have a problem with :

Open your eyes.

Can you smell the mint in the air?
Can you feel the wind in the sky?
See that life is beautiful?
Can you taste the chocolate?
Can you hear the laughter of the children?

See that life is beautiful? #FF0000 "> Not really in question form, just add another "Can"

Can you hear the sound of a heart breaking?

These are most of the lines that I don't really fit because you keep repeating-Open your eyes, and then you list senses like taste and hear that don't have anything to do with seeing.

I propose not repeating "Open your eyes" so much and inserting "Open your mouth, or Open your ears or Tune Your ears" or somthing along those lines (even though I suggestions are very awkward).


What I REALLY liked was---"Can you smell the mint in the air?" and "Can you taste the chocolate?"

I liked these lines because they are so specific and personal, rather than generic and general like ---

"Can you hear the laughter of the children?"

the mint and the chocolate imply personal experiences and are very intimate, whereass everyone talks about the laughter of children for thousands of thousands of years---I get it, they're adorable. Though many are snotty brats.

I kind of got lost in the end with:

Can you see what you've lost?

Can you save him before he breaks? #FF0000 ">Why is the person you're addressing no longer the subject? SUPERFLUOUS.


Anyway.

All in all, you have a very simple, compassionate and POWERFUL emotional poem here.

More of the mints and the chocolate and less of the children and dramatics at the end.

Read Earnest Hemingway's OLD MAN AND THE SEA and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about and exactly where the potential greatness of this poem lies.

3 very promising stars out of 5!

Funny you should mention OLD MAN AND THE SEA i just finished reading that for english class yesterday....didn't like it cause I lost my spot to much that I actually cried in frustration, my eyes aren't that good and half the time i couldn't understand a dang word that was on the page....I'm not good at reading comprehension perioud..><

That's really, really nice. The only thing is maybe....

"And see THE life in her eyes"???

It's really beautiful though.

Thanks for the reviews guys ^^ hopefully the changes i made have made it better if only a little XD Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

This was a really nice poem. I really liked how in the beginning, it focused on pleasant things. And they weren't just pleasant things in general, but little specifics. Maybe things that you yourself prefer. But then I LOVED how it tapered off into some less pleasant things, such as, "Can you hear the sound of a heart breaking?" It gives a good balance to the poem, because in reality, there can't be pleasantries if there are not also unpleasantries.

One small little correction I'd like to point out (and I'm sorry if I'm repeating what others have already said), but the second to last line says, "Open you eyes." It should be, "Open your eyes." You're missing the "R" there.

Over all, a very sweet poem. I liked it a lot! Keep up the good work.

Life is Beautiful (comma)

Open your eyes (period) I'm just going to leave it at 'remember punctuation' to speak for the rest of the poem.

Can you see the animals running?

Can you see the stars shining?

Open your eyes

Can you see that life is beautiful I dislike the repitition

Can you smell the mint in the air?

Can you feel the wind in the sky? Try making this imagery stronger

Open your eyes

Do you see that life is beautiful?

Will you open your eyes?

Can you taste the chocolate? This seems weird, not everyone is eating chocolate, you know? I don't like stopping and conjuring up the taste.

Can you hear the laughter of the children?

Do you believe that life is beautiful?

Open your blinded eyes

Can you hear the sound of a heart breaking?

Can you see the love she gives you? Who is 'she'? Mother Nature? A love interest?

Open your eyes

And see her

See the life in her eyes again, her?

Can you see what you've lost?

Can you save her before she breaks? This whole dilemma with the broken hearts seems totally unrelated to nature Reoccurring themes in your poems make the readers believe there's a connection

Open you eyes

Can you see that life is beautiful?

While reading this it was just like a fresh breath of air. Good job.
-KatTrain