A Dream...

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The convicted rapist and murderer had escaped from police custody. The 16 year old was charged with raping and killing another girl around his age. He has long shaggy blonde hair, pale skin, dark eyes, a height of around 5ft8 and medium build. If you come in contact with the man descried, alert authorities immediately. Young women are warned not to walk alone in quiet places; this is where he is most likely to look for victims…

It shook us all; knowing that he was out there. No one felt safe…

You know that feeling you get when you’re being watched? Dread fills you and you get a sinking feeling in the bottom of your stomach. Well that’s what I was feeling. Katie and I were walking down the path leading to school. It was silent, only the wind rustling through the trees could be heard and sweeping across the large yellow corn fields beyond the thin brush fencing the path.

We were being watched. We tried to keep our heads down, praying that if we didn’t see whoever was watching, they would go away – leave us be. But I made the worse mistake of my life. I gazed out across the corn fields, making eye contact – eye contact with him.

His long shaggy hair shone in the sun, dark eyes penetrating through my skin like little daggers; an evil smile plastered on his pale yet handsome face. The type of smile that filled you with dread; make you sick. The smile that told me I was next.

I broke eye contact, cowering into Katie.

“It’s him.”

Two simple words, yet she understood perfectly. A sob escaped my chest, tears pouring down my face. Katie cried her own tears, both of us as silently as possible. He played off the fear.

A rustling in the nearby brush frightened the life out of me; making me jump so much, I thought I might throw up.

“Run girls, run.”

It was a message from him. Was he near? No; looking back out across the yellow fields, he was still there, slightly closer than before, but not close enough to be in the brush.

He has help…

Our pace increased, vice grips on each other’s hands, my tears never slowed. Katie’s did. She was always stronger than me.
As we ran, it was as if in slow motion, the brush passing by slowly, whispered floated through the air, taunting us as we tried to get away. After each taunt, I would check to make sure that he was still in the field. Each time he was closer than he was before; his perverted smile still plastered on his face.

I was paralysed by fear.

We reached school; our dorm block to be exact. Katie stood talking with a teacher, while I wrung my hands nervously. It wasn’t long before we turned and headed to our room.

And there he was. Dressed in our school uniform and a smile on his face. How did her get in here? Why didn’t anyone notice him?

He was too close. I ditched Katie; she would be safer without me. I ran through the crowded halls, everyone oblivious to the monster striding calmly behind me. I came to the quieter side of the school unknowingly. He appeared right behind me.

“What do you want?” I cried out in desperation.

“You called her a fucker. My mother was fucked!” He said robotically, closing in on me.

“I’m sorry. Please, I’m sorry.”

I had done nothing wrong, too frightened to do anything but beg.

The understanding dawned upon me. His mother was raped, it all made sense but it was already too late.

It all happened so fast, yet in slow motion. I was raped on the harsh carpeting of the school floor and killed. Don’t ask me how, for I could not tell you.

As I lay there, eyes wide open, the hallways packed with students going about their business. No one noticed me, laying, growing cold, lifeless behind the glass double doors. But I saw them; from my dead body.




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I REALLY Liked this a lot. It is very descriptive and bone chilling.

There were a couple spelling mistakes, and the same imagery used a couple times, but overall this was really good.

lzielkalollypop wrote: He has long shaggy blonde hair, pale skin, dark eyes, a height of around 5ft8 and medium build. If you come in contact with the man described,

His long shaggy hair shone in the sun, dark eyes penetrating through my skin like little daggers; an evil smile plastered on his pale yet handsome face.

I was paralyzed by fear..



I hope this helps! But i cant leave without saying what I Loved about it!

lzielkalollypop wrote:As I lay there, eyes wide open, the hallways packed with students going about their business. No one noticed me, laying, growing cold, lifeless behind the glass double doors. But I saw them; from my dead body.

I Love the ending to this honestly. You kept me on my seat the entire time.

Grade: A
Impression: Intense and interesting
Like, Love, Hate: Like/Love
Want to read more: YES
Good Job? OF Course!

~Cassidy~
And they say that a hero can save us.
I'm not gonna stand here and wait.
I'll hold onto the wings ofthe eagles.
Watch as we all fly away.
<3




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The convicted rapist and murderer had escaped from police custody. The 16 year old was charged with raping and killing another girl around his age. He has long shaggy blonde hair, pale skin, dark eyes, a height of around 5' 8" and medium build. If you come in contact with the man described, alert authorities immediately. Young women are warned not to walk alone in quiet places; this is where he is most likely to look for victims…
Corrections are in bold. I've also bolded some of the verbs so that you can see the tense shift; my suggestion would be to change it all into present tense.

That aside, you need to set this off from the rest of the story somehow. As it stands, it took me a couple of rereads to understand that it was a news report. I suggest using italics. If you had italics in the original, you'll have to add them back in by using BBC code since the text editor here does not preserve formatting. You can do so by hitting Edit (located in the upper right corner of each of your posts), highlighting the text you want to be italicized, and then hitting the [ i ] button on the menu above the text editor; it will add in the formatting code for you.

The understanding dawned upon me. His mother was raped, it all made sense but it was already too late.

No it doesn't? This may be a dream, but there needs to be some connection shown your readers about how his mother being raped = he is a rapist.

Overall though, this didn't feel very dreamlike, at least not until the very end, and there were a number of typos. Every typo you have in a work, especially one as brief as this, is a major detractor. I suggest proofreading more carefully and adding more abstract, more-obviously dreamlike elements to this, starting from near the beginning.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR



The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
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