Where the Wind Blows

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3098
Reviews 196
My hands were weathered and the black of my hair had faded to a shining silver over the years. The lines in my face would say that I was perhaps in my sixties, maybe even slightly younger, but a hundred and fifty years had passed since my birth. My connection to the Earth, and the bond that I shared with it had kept me young while those I knew and loved withered before me. I had watched year after year as death had come for them, until all but one was left. The one left was not someone I was eager to see.

But, alas, see him I would.

He was coming, I could feel it as acutely as I could feel the Autumn breeze on my cheek; it was fitting that he came this season. It was the season I left him in, all those seasons past. Over a hundred and thirty years had passed since our last meeting, but despite the time that left us, I always knew he would come.

I owed him something, after all, and Kedar was not one to leave behind debts unclaimed.

I closed my eyes to the wind, allowing it to wash over me, cleansing my skin from the grime of the past. I felt the storm coming before it ever arrived; with its lightening brightening the sky and thunder causing the very foundations of the Earth to rattle. Rain started to trickle down from the sky, the sun hidden behind black-gray clouds.

He had arrived, but I did not stand, nor did I open my eyes. He did not deserve such courtesies.

I heard his roaring voice behind me, desperate for the respect he deemed he deserved.

I stood, feeling the dull ache in my muscles that seemed ever present in my old age. “Kedar,” I nodded.

“Luciliana,” he returned with equal contempt. The years had not been kind to my old mentor; his skin sagged, his eyes looking dark and sullen. I could tell simply by looking at him that he was not alive by any natural means. He was here strictly through magics coursing through his body keeping him alive. Unlike the magics that kept me alive through the years, his were not of the Earth, they were something else... They would make him insane, with time.

“Why have you come?” I asked.

“Why do you think, dear sweet Luci? Did you think I had forgotten?”

“I did not.” I said coldly. “I had merely assumed that with age you had decided to leave promises made by children behind you.”

“You were not so innocent,” he spat.

I closed my eyes, holding my palms up towards the sky; I reached my mind out towards the elements. I felt him there, controlling, forcing, as he always was. I lashed out at him with my mind, hitting him with a blow as powerful as if I had slapped him, and he lost his grip on the storm. I felt the rain, felt the lightening in the sky, and with one wave of my hand I commanded that they cease. When I opened my eyes again, the clouds were fading to a pretty white, and the sun was shining again. I could feel the weight of water on my robes, and I met my eyes with his.

“I see your powers have grown, sweet Luci.” He mocked.

“Aye, and yours have weakened.” My calm voice took him by surprise, and I felt his temper flare as if it had been my own. My belly grew hot, and I felt the sparks igniting beneath the tips of my fingers. I could hear the faint crackle of my own power, my own need as it reared its ugly head inside me. “Do not test me, Kedar. It will be the only bet you’ve ever lost.” I told him.

“You are arrogant, Luciliana, it was always your sin. You’re too confident in your own abilities, and you do not see the value of mine.”

“Perhaps you have nothing of value for me to see.”

I could feel him brewing something, the elements stirred and a slight tremor beneath my feet alerted me to his plan before he could dream of putting it to the test. Even in my old age, I was far swifter than he would give me credit, and I dodged to the side just as water poured from the surface of the Earth and began to freeze. Had I stayed in my place, he would have frozen me in my spot.

“Childs play, Kedar. You should give me more credit than that.” I said mockingly.

I saw his eyes widen slightly, and I was pleased to see I had surprised him.

“Why have you come for me, Kedar? What could you possibly need from me after one hundred and thirty years have passed? Are you after my powers? Perhaps you know that I am now stronger than you were, even in the height of your powers. Is that why you have come now, to steal from me?”

“I’m not here for your magic, child. I am here to have my debt repaid.” I could feel him from here, his temper was on high; he was afraid.

“So tell me. Tell me Kedar! What task shall I do? What favor shall I grant? Tell me!” I heard the temper in my voice and felt the flames as they filled my palms—I held my hands out for him to see.

“Why do you show me what you cannot even use, Luci? We both know you are too terror-stricken to access your true powers!”

“Kedar, old man, you have not been here for a long time. You know not what I can and cannot do. You know nothing of my fears, nor have you ever. Again you underestimate me.” I told him. I held out my palms, creating a circle with them, forming the fire beneath, compressing it until it grew hot and centralized. I held it out before me, as if offering a gift. “Do not make me convince you.” I told him.

He shook his head, stepping back from his once protégé with a look of complete stupor.

“No! That is not possible! You are afraid!”

“Kedar, when I left you I was a child, I was afraid. You forget that years have passed, and I have faced foes much greater than yourself. My time on Earth is fleeting, and I have little left keeping me grounded here. You have come here for something, this I know. You are not a man that makes such a trip for no reason. So tell me, what task do you request of me?” I asked again, knowing it was the final time.

“Sweet Luci, you’re not playing the game.” He told me, shaking his head. “You’re not playing the game.”

His eyes met mine—those dark sullen eyes, full of pain and fear. “So it must be this way.” His tone was desperate, and it took me a moment to find his meaning.

And then, with a suddenness that startled me, realization dawned. He’d come here to die. It was not something I had expected, and I had not been prepared for it. I let the fire within my hands diminish, feeling as the flames went from raging to a mere flicker. He needed me to kill him, because he was too afraid, too weak to ever allow himself to go. The magics in his blood were powerful; perhaps more so than I would ever know, and he was going mad. I closed my mind to the man I once knew, the man that had taught me all that I had used my entire existence.

He was not my friend, nor was he lover, parent, or anything I had ever cared for… but he was there. In every battle I had ever fought, in every foe I had ever faced, he was there. The magic he had taught me raged through me in every aspect of my life, and even though I had never loved him, he was always there.

I felt a tear prickle behind my eye, but I blinked it away.

“Aye, it must be this way.” I told him.

I closed my eyes, allowing the fire to burn within me once more, allowing it to rage. I found my anger, held it before me, created power with it, and then with eyes closed, I pushed it all towards him with all of my might. I opened my eyes as he uttered one last scream. The ball of flame hit him with a force that knocked him off his feat, engulfing him quickly. He was gone before he could truly feel it, and I fell to the ground in a heap.

My chest heaved, my breathing coming out in ragged gasps.

Of all of the people I had ever lost, all the people I had ever ended, perhaps I loved and hated him the most. I put the flames to rest as quickly as I had ended his life, and I stared at the place where his body should have been, but ashes was all that left. I held out my arms, seeking the wind and pulling it towards me until I felt it blow my robes about. I watched as his ashes were caught on the breeze, and carried I know not where.

I would forever wonder if he always knew; if the day I made that promise he knew what debt he would need paid.

I would forever wonder where the wind had brought him.
Life is for living.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4822
Reviews 220
Nice, I realized it was about your lost kingdom character. Really a great way to tell us more about your character. On it's own it was an excellent story, I really felt the emotion and the language was quite lyrical. Since i know next to nothing about grammar and spelling I won't comment on that but really great work!
Stay gold, Ponyboy - S.E. Hinton




User avatar
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
Hai!
From Jennya’s comment, I’m assuming this is a previous character that you’ve worked with before? Storybook? It doesn’t really matter much, as I got a pretty good sense of character and all from just this little bit, which was good. ^_^ I can see how it will work well if your reader has a previous knowledge of your character, so good on that, you managed to cater to both your audiences.

I liked this, it was well written and there was a lot of emotion in the narrative and dialogue and you showed the character well, even in such a short story.

The nitpicks I’m giving here are mostly either style or grammar. Red is for errors, purple is for suggestions.


He was coming, I could feel it as acutely as I could feel the Autumn breeze on my cheek; it was fitting that he came this season. It was the season I left him in, all those seasons past. Over a hundred and thirty years had passed since our last meeting, but despite the time that left us, I always knew he would come.


I think this might work better if you changed the semi-colon to a full stop. You’ve got the fact that he’s coming and the fact that it’s Autumn and both these are important so you can keep them together, but then you expand on the fitting-ness of the season. Your next two sentences are all about how fitting it is, so it might work better if you have the first statement that it’s fitting in a sentence by itself so it stands out.


“I did not.” I said coldly. “I had merely assumed that with age you had decided to leave promises made by children behind you.”

“I see your powers have grown, sweet Luci.He mocked.

“Do not test me, Kedar. It will be the only bet you’ve ever lost.” I told him.

“Do not make me convince you.” I told him.

“Aye, it must be this way.” I told him.

“Sweet Luci, you’re not playing the game.He told me, shaking his head. “You’re not playing the game.”


You do this a few times. End dialogue with a comma and begin the tag with a small letter. And thanks. I just lost the game. >_<

I didn’t notice it while reading, but grouping bits of your dialogue together, I noticed that you use the tag “I told him” or “he told me” rather a lot. As I said, I didn’t notice it on a first reading, so maybe it doesn’t matter much, but maybe change a few?


When I opened my eyes again, the clouds were fading to a pretty white, and the sun was shining again. I could feel the weight of water on my robes, and I met my eyes with his.


“Pretty” sounds rather... well, not flippant exactly, but so far the language has been very grave and serious and archaic and all, and suddenly have “pretty” in there threw me a little. Doesn’t really fit with the rest of the tone.


I could hear the faint crackle of my own power, my own need as it reared its ugly head inside me.


I got the impression that she liked her power, at least, she didn’t dislike it. “Reared its ugly head” makes it sound like she hates her power. Very negative word choice.


Childs play, Kedar. You should give me more credit than that.” I said mockingly.


Comma thing again, and I’m not sure—is it childs play or child’s play?


“I’m not here for your magic, child. I am here to have my debt repaid.” I could feel him from here, his temper was on high; he was afraid.


From where? I’d split this sentence up because right now it’s like a list—I could feel him, he’s cross, he’s afraid—and it’s rather jarring to read.


“Kedar, old man, you have not been here for a long time. You know not what I can and cannot do. You know nothing of my fears, nor have you ever. Again you underestimate me.I told him.


Again with the comma thing and a similar tag. Also “old man” seems very British. I assume you meant it as in, he’s an old guy, but having it like this brings to mind Basil Rathbone and the rest of the story’s been pretty ambiguous about time and place.


He shook his head, stepping back from his once protégé with a look of complete stupor.


This sounds like a third-person sentence. She is his once protégé, but having it in a first person narrative sounds like the author trying to make a point, or like the character’s not fully in their own head.


“Kedar, when I left you I was a child, I was afraid. You forget that years have passed, and I have faced foes much greater than yourself. My time on Earth is fleeting, and I have little left keeping me grounded here. You have come here for something, this I know. You are not a man that makes such a trip for no reason. So tell me, what task do you request of me?” I asked again, knowing it was the final time.


I’d take out the bolded tag because it feels unnecessary and having it there pulls my attention away from the dialogue.


So! I did like the writing, though I wasn’t a fan of the archaic dialogue. It is a pet peeve, so you could keep it and only annoy me, lol.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8890
Reviews 191
Very good, I like this story. *like*

Though it isn't a story as such but more of a character sketch / scene, it still does get some feelings across. Can't say I sat at the screen and wept bitter tears at my keyboard, but this would still make for a good scene in a longer work. So we've got a situation with a good wizard / bad wizard mentor? Or is there a less definite line separating the two? I like ambiguity in works of good vs evil, shades of gray are always good to get your reader thinking.

One line that has confused me a little bit is this:

the man that had taught me all that I had used my entire existence.


Doesn't make much sense. Did you mean "...used in my entire existence"? "During", maybe? Not sure if it's just me, but this part bugs me a little bit. Other than that, the grammar and spelling are all good.

If there was one suggestion I could give for the text -- it was too okay. I read this, I liked it, I probably won't remember it tomorrow. I'd advise you to twist your sentence structure a little bit, find snappy metaphors and startling similes, employ emotional language, describe lush imagery -- but never going over the top, just giving the reader a little bread-crumb to find in the text, lest we risk sounding too purple. Consider this line from I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream, said by a torture-obsessed computer:

HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE.


Of course, that short story won the Hugo award, but we're shooting for the stars here, right? :) Just make it a little bit more exciting. Pretty it up so it's more pleasure to read. Even if it's just for a character sketch, I think all writing deserves to be pretty and memorable.

Your wind-spirit,
cC
_




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
Tiff, this was beautiful. I loved it.

Your characters were quite alive as I read, and I felt myself being pulled into the story.

My only question is, why did he come to her, if he hadn't realised how powerful she'd gotten. If he didn't trust he abilities, then why come to her? Did he hope she'd wack him over the head with a baseball bat, if all else failed?

And that was it for the nitpicks. It was the first time I've read something of yours, other than your blogs, and I was pleasantly surprised at the blend of detail, description and dialogue.

Keep up the great work!

Tanya




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3098
Reviews 196
Twit I will for sure work on some of the grammar issues, for some reason dialogue grammar always manages to screw me up. Thanks for the nit picks!

Tanya You Lie! Muahahahaha. You have reviewed me before. It took me forever to remember which piece, but you have reviewed me before.
Life is for living.



The shame of being a man - is there any better reason to write?
— Gilles Deleuze