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A Scoundrel's Heart: Chapter Two



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Sat Jul 17, 2010 3:16 am
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OverEasy says...



Chapter One

I felt my stomach rumble again as we staggered down yet another dirt road in search of yet another new home where no one would know us. Like all of my people, I had always had tough feet—no shoes, quieter footsteps. But after our ten day march on frozen earth, with few breaks to stop and rest, even the soles of a Halfling’s foot will start to crack and bleed. I’d have asked ma’ to stop for a bit, but she had barely spoken two words for me since we left our last home, and I wasn’t about to push my luck.

The sound of rushing water at a distance and another rumble of my stomach was enough to squash any such fears.

“Ma’, I hear water!” I kicked the dirt a little; knowing that I was risking the wrath of her anger more than was probably good for me. The slump of her shoulders let me know that she’d been suffering as much as I had, but still she only glared at me.

“Ma’, when’re you gonna stop bein’ mad at me? I’m real sorry I got caught, but I still gotta eat, and so do you.”
She grumbled, pressing forward along the dirt path. For a moment I thought she was going to ignore me, but finally, with a sigh she threw up her hands and stalked in the direction of the noise. I knew then that my words had hardly been needed to convince her, but I felt the small victory anyways. Keeping my mouth shut was harder than eating a bowl full of ma’s “special stew”.

We reached the small river by midday, and I immediately busied myself putting together a makeshift fishing pole while ma’ started setting up a bedding area for us to sleep. I dug around in my pocket for a moment before retrieving a hand full of useless baubles: a bit of string, the buckle of a man’s shoe, an old quill that’s tip had broken years ago, a few pieces of old dried bread, some bits of fools gold, and a small and dirty fishing hook. The treasures of my life, since ma’ had taken the rubies and monies away. I scurried around for a while, picking up branches and testing them in my hands before tossing them aside, until I found one that would suit my needs. It was a thin but sturdy oak branch, bended in a slight arch. It’d be perfect.

I fastened the string and the hook to the branch, and strung a piece of old bread to the end, and I threw it into the water. With dinner waiting to be caught, I finally relaxed, laying back on the river’s edge and gingerly placing my sore feet into the icy depths. The rush of cold water numbed my feet quickly and after a while all of the dried blood and dirt had washed away. My head lulled to the ground, my eyes drooping as the sun started to set into the sky. Only the tugs on my line were enough to rouse me from my all too comfortable position. I pulled my pole hard, biting my lip eagerly as plump trout flopped around on the shore. I removed the hook, added another piece of bread to it, and tossed it back into the water.

“Cora, Cora, Cora, can’t you at least put the thing out of its misery?” I jumped, looking around for my mom, or any clue as to who was talking. “Come on; don’t tell me you don’t remember your dear sister?”

I gasped, searching the area around me wildly. Then something rough hit my temple and I reared backwards, staring up into the trees, trying to find my tormenter.

I spotted her about half way up, tossing a pine cone up and down and smiling widely. “Maple?” I asked dumbly.

“The one and only.” She grinned and, to my horror, hopped down from the tree, landing with a tiny little thud.

“What’re you doing here?” I glared.

“What are you doing here? This is my forest.” She glared back, putting her hands on her hips and staring at me intently.

“Well, if you must know, we’re getting dinner and stopping to get some rest before we head to a city. Where civilized creatures live,” I said through gritted teeth.

Her eyes turned to slits as they continued to bore into me. “Yeah, civilized, I’m so sure. Still making your living by plundering the goods of hard workers?”

“Still making your living by chatting away with all the little birdies?”

“Yes, actually I am.” She puffed out her chest proudly, and for once I was almost proud with her. She looked good, I could tell she’d been eating well lately, and by the look of her clothing and hair she probably took the time to bathe often too. In her right hand was a staff that I had never seen before, a winding wooden thing with a pink gemstone adorning the top. I had never seen a staff like that before, and a surge of jealousy went through me.

Her features softened as she looked at me, and I was sure that I looked a wreck. Jealousy was clouded with embarrassment and I turned away from her.

“What do you want, anyways?” I asked.

“I heard you two were in the area, and I wanted to see how you were doing, is all.” She kicked the ground, and for a moment I thought she might have cared.

“Yeah, well you’d know how we’ve been doin’ if you hadn’t taken off like ya’ did.” I grumbled.

She scoffed at me, her lower lip trembling and her eyes shooting daggers my direction, I glared right back. Unwilling to look away from the one that had hurt me so much. Unable to admit that she might have been right to leave...

I can’t say how long we glared at each other, each of us too stubborn to break the silence. Finally ma’ came back from gathering fire wood, she shrieked when she saw Maple, but I remained stoic. They embraced and began talking at once, while I stalked my way over to the river’s edge, determined to catch more fish and ignore the unexpected appearance of my sister.

I couldn’t help but think that seeing her couldn’t bring me or my mom good things.
Life is for living.
  





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Sat Jul 17, 2010 9:57 am
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borntobeawriter says...



Well hey there OverEasy,

I'm Tanya, here for a review.

I must admit that I am slightly confused. The title said chapter 2 but the beginning of the paragraph is chapter 1...Hmm, which one is it?

I really don't have much to say. I loved the imagery of what Cora was pulling out of her pockets but I would love to know more. If they are walking on the frozen ground, why wasn't the water frozen? And why were they forced away from their home? Where were they headed?

As you can see, I am intrigued. I love the way you've described the characters and you have a beautiful writing style. Would you pm me for the next chapter?

Tanya :D
  





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Sat Jul 17, 2010 1:09 pm
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OverEasy says...



That wasn't a title at the top, if you look, it's a link to chapter one. I think that reading chapter one will probably clear up some questions for you, as they're all answered there :)
Life is for living.
  





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Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:38 pm
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Firestarter says...



Hey Tiff,

How're you doing?

First things up, I have to say using an apostrophe with "ma" gets on my nerves! I'm not sure of your feelings on this, but from what I've seen in general usage before, the apostrophe after it isn't required. It would usually be indicated a contraction, but since "ma" is not a shortening of Mother technically, I don't think you need it. Of course it's up to you, but it breaks up the flow somewhat needlessly, I feel. It was also a bit weird how the MC called her ma but referred to her as mom in her thoughts. Didn't really get that. "Mom" seems too informal, American, to be in a fantasy novel.

I felt my stomach rumble again as we staggered down yet another dirt road in search of yet another new home where no one would know us. Like all of my people, I had always had tough feet—no shoes, quieter footsteps. But after our ten day march on frozen earth, with few breaks to stop and rest, even the soles of a Halfling’s foot will start to crack and bleed. I’d have asked ma’ to stop for a bit, but she had barely spoken two words for me since we left our last home, and I wasn’t about to push my luck.


First line has two yets in it. That's clunky. Rephrase. I guess maybe you wanted both to sort of emphasise the repetition of their journey, but yet is a horrible word. I think you could possibly drop both. I think "no shoes, quieter footsteps" could do with a verb in between rather than a comma, maybe "equals" or "means" or something. Does Halfling really need to be capitalised? After all, we don't capitalise human.

The sound of rushing water at a distance and another rumble of my stomach was enough to squash any such fears.


Should be "in the distance."

“Ma’, I hear water!” I kicked the dirt a little; knowing that I was risking the wrath of her anger more than was probably good for me. The slump of her shoulders let me know that she’d been suffering as much as I had, but still she only glared at me.


Change the clause after the semi-colon to "I knew I was risking..." That makes it more active.

Keeping my mouth shut was harder than eating a bowl full of ma’s “special stew”.


I liked this. Made their relationship/back story/world come alive. Small details like that are real gems.

Overall: this is pretty good writing. It's not spectacular, but it's not in any way bad. You know how to portray a character, construct a scene, and there's conflict throughout, which is good. But (and this is a pretty large but), since this is the BEGINNING of a novel, I'm surprised by how little is really going on. This is the part of your narrative where you really want to grab the reader and send them tumbling down the rabbit-hole. What we have here is a fairly inactive scene, involving some walking, fishing, and a short conversation. While there's conflict, it's fairly lowkey and it's not that interesting yet. I just wanted more, really. Maybe her sister should tackle her from behind or something? Have an unknown assailant attacking the MC might jolt the reader. They could fight for a bit (which seems to fit their characters, lower class and dirty and all), before the revelation is that it's her sister. The sister she has such strong emotions (good and bad) for. I know you have her throwing a pine cone at her head, but I think an actual fight would be stronger. This is the sort of action/surprise that needs to be injected into this currently quite mundane piece.

It needs to be longer too, chapter-wise. On the printed page this would only be a few pages, and I hate books with chapters that short. After scanning the first chapter, I'm fairly sure you could merge both of them into one.

One more thing: watch out for a cliche fantasy story. Halfling thieves/rogues are very common and I hope this isn't like the majority of those type stories.

Anyway, I'll be following this! Good luck with it, Tiff. Tell me when you post more.

Cheers,

Jack.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  








"You're wrong about humanity. They are your greatest creation because they're better than you are. Sure, they're weak, and they cheat and steal and destroy and disappoint, but they also give and create, and they sing and dance and love. Above all, they never give up."
— Metatron