Wishful

I've never really written a poem before, so I have no idea if I put this in the right place, or if it's any good. Constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks!

-Titan




The sun looks down on the earth everyday.
It wishes it could go down to play.
To swim in the sea, and to dance with the wind.
Oh, to leave the sky one day.

Earth looks up to the sun throughout the day.
Wondering what it's like standing proud in the sky.
Hoping to go there sometime in May.
If only to say goodbye.

This was really good for it being your first time. The idea of the poem is really original, I don't know how you thought of it. I think that the sun and earth think that exact way, if they could think. I think that you placed it in the right place, though. I think that you did a great job on the wording and I can't quote my favorite parts, because I think that all of your poem was good. Maybe you should keep posting poems like this... It's just a thought. Anyway, nice job, good job, great job !!!!!!!

K, this was good. Very cute and snappy.

Titan4ever wrote:The sun looks down on the earth everyday.
It wishes it could go down to play.
To swim in the sea, and to dance with the wind. I love this line, BUT it doesn't rhyme!
Oh, to leave the sky one day. I highlighted the 'days' and maybe you could change this one to "Oh to leave the sky some way," or something.

Earth looks up to the sun throughout the day.
Wondering what it's like standing proud in the sky.
Hoping to go there sometime in May.
If only to say goodbye.Why would it be saying goodbye? I don't get it...

OK, your rhyme scheme is a little weird. You have all the same rhyme sounds in the first stanza (except in that one line where you forgot about it) and in the second stanza, you had it every other line with the rhyme sound...Kind of annoyed me. Another thing, is, yes this is obviously meant to rhyme, but I think if you used this idea, without restricting yourself to rhymes, you could make this into an ever BETTER piece. Anyhow, it was easy to read...and quite nice. I liked the content. Good job!

I love the kinda sadness in the poem. It made me want to add it to my favorites. No criticism here!

I am very impressed. Great job!

~Pixie2~

Thank you guys for the reviews! I will take your ideas into consideration. Thanks again!

-Titan