The Forbidden Sea

Enchanting whispers luring you near,
each perfect note filling your core with fear.
A song so beautiful, yet deadly cruel,
you resist temptation, it's against every rule.

Every nightmare is filled with a slender clawing hand,
viciously cutting your leg, as you try to escape the sand.
It's wrong, they say, to go where they so dangerously dwell,
you'd be sacrificed if you were marked by a creature of Hell.

You hear stories of the captured, tortured to the point of insanity,
and rumours of those who survive, carrying a disease that could kill all humanity.

And now they're getting closer, the whispers louder, more intricate,
their hungry land eating away at the sand, Man thinks soon it will become infinite.


Yet you can't help but wonder,
as you sit with bare toes, touching the sea,
why must Merkind, be so deadly?

Enchanting whispers luring you near,
each perfect note filling your core with fear.
A song so beautiful, yet deadly cruel,
you resist temptation, it's against every rule.

Every nightmare is filled with a slender clawing hand,
viciously cutting your leg, as you try to escape the sand.
It's wrong, they say, to go where they so dangerously dwell,
you'd be sacrificed if you were marked by a creature of Hell.

You hear stories of the captured, tortured to the point of insanity,
and rumours of those who survive, carrying a disease that could kill all humanity.

And now they're getting closer, the whispers louder, more intricate,
their hungry land eating away at the sand, Man thinks soon it will become infinite.


Yet you can't help but wonder,
as you sit with bare toes, touching the sea,
why must Merkind, be so deadly?

Very thrilling this piece...truly loved it, it gives a darker version of Merkind instead of the happy kind versions you always hear...I truly loved it and hope you keep working ^^ Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

Ohh! I get it now! This poem is about mermaids and stuff! Well, you've certainly put things inn perspective! When I read this, I definitely don't imagine Ariel! Truly amazing! Great work!

tinkembell wrote:Enchanting whispers luring you near,
each perfect note filling your core with fear.
A song so beautiful, yet deadly cruel,
you resist temptation, it's against every rule.

Every nightmare is filled with a slender clawing hand,
viciously cutting your leg, as you try to escape the sand.
It's wrong, they say, to go where they so dangerously dwell,
you'd be sacrificed if you were marked by a creature of Hell.

I believe these are my two favorite stanzas in the whole poem!

Hello fellow Bamboozler! I don't usually do much poetry reviewage, but occasionally I try my hand at it. Please pardon me if I say anything extremely newbish or just plain wrong. Feel free to ignore anything/everything I say, aye? Aye.

Every nightmare is filled with a slender clawing hand,
viciously cutting your leg, as you try to escape the sand.
It's wrong, they say, to go where they so dangerously dwell,
you'd be sacrificed if you were marked by a creature of Hell.

This stanza feels a little awkward. For one thing, you have a different rhythm here than you did in the first stanza, don't you? I'm guessing that was intentional, but I still find it a little off-putting. Anyhow, since you probably meant to do it, I'm not going to dwell on that. But I would like to say that a lot of lines in this stanza feel like they have too many syllables in them--the whole stanza isn't rhythmically consistent with itself. I'm not exactly sure what you're going for, so I'm not going to give specific suggestions, but I've underlined the parts that seemed the most awkward to me. I'm actually even a little bit confused by what you're trying to say in that stanza, but I'll get to that later.

why must Merkind, be so deadly?

You don't need the comma there.

All in all, I think this is a nice poem. I like that the whole thing could be interpreted as just a poem about merpeople, or it could be interpreted as a metaphor for... lots of other things. I really like that you didn't reveal until the end that you were talking about merpeople. I also think you had some great imagery and sentiment, and I really like the overall feel of the piece.

But the one drawback here for me is the rhyme. Don't get me wrong, I love rhymed poems as a rule, and I think your first stanza worked beautifully, but when you start doing different rhythms I'm a little confused. It makes it seem like you're trying to make a point, but I'm not really sure what that point would be. Are you trying to create some division between the stanzas? Are you trying to portray some sudden emotional transition? I'm not sure.

I also think you're being a little bit held back by the rhyme, especially in that stanza that I quoted above. It's making it harder for you to say what you want to say. I don't think you should get rid of the rhyme, but I do think you should try and work with it a little more. Let me know if I can help you with this!

I hope this review helps a little bit. :/ It's a lovely poem, I just think it could use a bit more refining.

a

This is really cool. It gave me a completely new perspective on "Merkind." I wish I had something more constructive to say, but I really didn't find any mistakes, so all I can say is keep writing!

Haha I had to read this again I really liked it a second time as well!!! Normally I can't stand to read things twice since I already know what happens...least I forget due to something else like homework! Either way nice dark and mysterious which makes me happy LOL. Didn't get the whole Ariel image whatsoever which is what you were aiming for? XD If it was then I say you succeeded haha. Good job and Keep up the good work!!!! Best of wishes and Happy Writing!!!! May you receive many helpful reviews!!!!
Soulkana<3