Last edited by MUCHO on Sun Jun 05, 2011 6:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"This is our decision, to live fast and die young... Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce, find some more models; everything must run its course!
I guess the other 21 people before me are lamewads who can't leave a post. God, that pisses me off when we submit our work and all these people read our stuff but do not reply.
Anyway, your poem was very good to me, except for the fact that it seemed incomplete. I'm feel that you could add more to it and make it more dramatic.
[quote="dregymayfield"]I guess the other 21 people before me are lamewads who can't leave a post. God, that pisses me off when we submit our work and all these people read our stuff but do not reply.quote]
Real nice, Dregy.
Anyway, I agree: this poem is great, but it DOES seem incomplete. Maybe you could add a little more to each stanza -elaborate a little. Although being dramatic is often being short and to the point, you also have to make sure your poem makes sense... Then again, poems aren't written to make sense, so take this anyway you'd like. Good work!
By day we walk the long road ahead, then the sun will set and we'll go to bed.
Seems choppy to me. It could be reworked into something that flows much better. Also I don't like the "we." I don't know, I felt like the poem was trying to speak for me and as I reader I was trying to resist it, which is really distracting for me.
We talk of the things we've left unsaid, then the sun will set and we'll go to bed.
I don't know about the repetition. Honestly it's not that interesting of a line to begin with, I mean going to bed is generally what people do when the sun sets.
We count our steps and with prudence tread, but the trap will spring and we'll rest our heads.
this is the best stanza so far. Counting steps is interesting, springing a trap is interesting. The last phrase though, 'rest our heads,' was anticlimactic, I want more like this.
We speak of the night with fear and dread, but the sun will set and we'll go to bed.
weak ending.
Overall, not badly written, the repetition is just really not working. So, I'd change that. You got into some interesting stuff in the third stanza, but it sort of disappeared. My advice: READ. Other advice: SENSORY DETAILS.
It's not much of a critique, but I really love this. I prefer shorter poems anyways, and this has so much meaning and emotion packed into a few lines. It was very insightful and cynical..
On a technical note, the repetition added great rhythm and power to the poem as well, and I'm not usually a fan of it. Also, I like the long drawn out title..it adds character! Bravo! Happy writing (:
"Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery!" - Jane Austen
Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going. — Christopher Darlington Morley
