The Secret of Experiment Block 20D

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12987
Reviews 162
Spoiler
Okay, so I wrote this as a challenge for the writers' group I'm in with my mom and a bunch of very nice old people. We were supposed to find a random picture and write a story about it. I did mine on a nazi-scientist-looking man holding a couple of bunnies that positively SCREAMED 'lab animals'. This is probably the shortest short story I've ever written without having to cut it down, and... I used a lot of italics. XD I feel that it gives off almost a children's book kind of vibe, except I use a lot of big words. But I can't help imagining it with pictures. XD So, yeah... Here it is.


Dr. Ivor Del Treston had a secret. One that he would never tell anyone, if he could help it. Not that he did much speaking in any case, mind you. Being one of the most insidious, maniacal, fanatical scientists in the populated world didn’t do much to spark any pleasant conversation. Also, he had bad breath. Like lettuce left out in the sun for too long.
All attempts to speak sociably with someone generally devolved into screams of terror and running away.
Usually this was done by the person Ivor was talking to.
But not always.
Dr. Ivor Del Treston did not have good social skills.
But even had he been able to speak to hundreds at a time… Even had he been able to construct a symphony in his heart and let it flow forth in the form of words
Ivor would never have told this secret.
He did not mention it in passing to the underlings who cleaned his used beakers and test tubes.
He did not let it slip while monologue-ing to his human test subjects (Monologue-ing was the only form of communication he was good at. He practiced in front of the mirror every night before bed).
He did not flaunt his secret in front of the evil souls who came to the lab looking for nefarious gadgetry.
Some people didn’t even know that he had a secret. Others feared that he had millions; he did come across as a very secretive man. But in truth, he only had the one.
The closest he ever came to talking about the secret was when he warned everyone that ever came into the lab—
“YOU ARE NOT TO GO NEAR THE RABBIT CAGES IN EXPERIMENT BLOCK 20D.” He had bellowed the words, sending waves of lettuce-breath over the all the underlings, and the test subjects, and the evil souls. Fearfully, they obeyed.
“It must be an awful experiment for him to speak so firmly,” they whispered to each other. “Something dangerous. Or something delicate, and he would become dangerous if we disturbed it!”
The latter was closer to the truth, but still not entirely accurate.
Every day, Ivor went to Experiment Block 20D and shut the doors behind him. Later on, when he emerged, he would have this awful expression on his face that was almost a smile… But it was too terrifying to really be called that.
“It must be an awful experiment,” his underlings shuddered. “And he seems to take pleasure in it! He truly is the most insidious scientist in the populated world.”
And he was. But that fact had absolutely nothing to do with the rabbits in Experiment Block 20D.
“The truth is,” Ivor mused to himself one day, petting the back of one of the rabbits, “rabbits are not bad creatures. They don’t scream when you speak to them, they don’t often run away, and they seem to love lettuce. Although why that should matter, I truly don’t know.”
As he performed a thorough examination of the softness of the rabbits’ fur, that expression slowly began to creep across his face. The expression that was almost like a smile.
Done for the day, Ivor put the rabbits back into their cage. He left Experiment Block 20D, feeling ready to dirty a hundred test tubes! Ready to build a hundred nefarious gadgets! And ready to give a thousand monologues.
And that is the closest you will ever come to learning Dr. Ivor Del Treston’s secret.

***
My question is, did you understand what the secret was? Because when I read it at the writers' group*, I got mixed reactions. About half and half. Some understood what I was going for, and others (including my mom) did not. So, did I make it clear enough, or is it confusing?

*see spoiler at the top of the page. It doesn't really spoil anything. It's just me rambling.
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1167
Reviews 14
Dr. Ivor Del Treston had a secret. One that he would never tell anyone, if he could help it. Not that he did much speaking in any case, mind you. Being one of the most insidious, maniacal, fanatical scientists in the populated world didn't do much to spark any pleasant conversation. Also, he had bad breath. Like lettuce left out in the sun for too long.
This is a very good intrduction to Dr. Treston. Already I want to know more about this character. The last two sentences of the paragraph is also a nice touch of humor.

Usually this was done by the person Ivor was talking to.
But not always.
Personally, I feel you should leave this out. It doesn't bring anything to the table. I might be wrong.

Some people didn't even know that he had a secret. Others feared that he had millions; he did come across as a very secretive man. But in truth, he only had the one.
I quoted these two sentences because I admire the simplicity of your word choice and yet it came out with good results.

Everything else seems Okay to me.

I don't know what the secret is. I guess he eats rabbi




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30278
Reviews 482
Hey silent! Here for a review!

Okay, so I think you've got a great little story here. It definitely read like some kind of dark, humorous children's books; you're just missing the pictures. XD

Your beginning felt a little slow. You seemed to re-emphasize the point that he wasn't a social bug, and it started feeling a little tedious. Once you moved on to the secret, it picked up the pace and held it to the end. I'd agree that you used a lot of italics throughout the story, but they all felt necessary, so I guess I'm just saying that you don't have to change them.

As for the end, my interpretation of it is that he secretly likes the rabbits and feels accepted by them, for the reasons cited. He likes to "socialize" with the rabbits instead of people. Was that it? XD

Well, not much for me to review here; you did a great job! Sorry I couldn't be more help. Keep up the good work! Cheers. (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle



The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.