Mike

Mike,

I know that you're gone and that you won't ever read this. I also know that I'm not ever going to show it to anyone else. So, why then, am I writing this? I don't know, honestly. There were a lot of messed up things that happened with you and me. There were a lot of things that I wish I could change, and I'm sure you feel the same way.

All of the times you teased my hair and my preference of blueberries and mustard as opposed to peanut butter and jelly don't bother me as much as they used to because you were my older brother and that's what older brothers do. I'm sorry for shutting you out. I'm sorry for all the times I screamed at you. I'm sorry for making you look like you were the guilty one whenever mom caught us doing something bad.

I wish I would have let you teach me how to skateboard. That would have been fun. I wish I would have endured the eight-hour drive to visit you in college more, because you always did. I'm sorry for acting like a sore looser each and every time you would beat me at video games. I should have just enjoyed the fact that we were together.

God has cheated you out of your life, Mike. You had so much promise, talent. Even though I didn't show it, you had no idea how much I aspired to be like you. Even though we never talked about it, I know we both thought to the future, when you'd be an uncle and I'd be an aunt and we'd do things with our families together.

I remember ranting to my friends about how much you annoyed me, how much I wished I was an only child. I wondered why girls flocked to your side. Why was I so selfish? Because, Mike, even though it didn't seem like it, I really loved being with you and just having fun. Like our summer trips to the cabin, when you would always dunk me in the lake. Those were the best. I hated it at the time, but now I wish we could go back there and you could dunk me from sundown to sun up.

I was so nasty to you, and you were so wonderful to me. I wish we would have done more together. I'll miss you. Please, forgive me for everything, because, if I could go back and change it all, I would.

I love you.

Affectionately,
Carrie, your sister

Awww that made me cry that was so magnificently done and I can't wait to read more. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

I noticd you said "from sundown to sun up" you might want to switch the sun words, it'll
make more sense. Other than that, I cried like a baby. Wonderfully written.

Wow. . You nailed this. I loved it. It really started to tug at my emotions in all the right ways as I was nearing the end of it. You made me think about my own brothers. It was one of those kind of pieces that also serves as a reminder to appreciate those who are close to you and to never take the time you have to spend with them for granted, because you never know when it'll end one day.

You weren't trying to be all emotional, it was just simple and from the heart, and that's what made it such a great piece I think. Usually when people are aiming for the particular emotion you evoked here, they take away from their own writing because they're trying too hard. But this, this was just effortlessly amazing. I was really into what you were saying the entire way through.

One sentence I noticed though, this one here:

I wish I would have endured the eight-hour drive to visit you in college more, because you always did.

This seems like you could have explained a little more. Elaborated a little further. You say, the narrator wishes she would have endured the eight hour drive to visit him, because he always did. As in, he always did suffer the eight hour drive to visit them? You should tweak it so it just flows all together at once.

Other than that though, I saw no real flaws with this. It was very nicely written and I enjoyed reading. Really great work.

Hi, Teddy!

So this was adorable. Sad but also adorable. I don't think I could stand losing a brother like Carrie did. It would ache my heart so badly. And I think it was easy to sense how sad Carrie was as she wrote this. I had a few thoughts come up, and there were also a couple glaring grammar marks I want to point out (which I will since this is for a contest).

All of the times you teased my hair and my preference of blueberries and mustard as opposed to peanut butter and jelly don't bother me as much as they used to because you were my older brother and that's what older brothers do. I'm sorry for shutting you out.

That, my friend, is a beautifully written run-on sentence. xD Chop that up a bit, I think! There were a couple other run-ons, but this one's the most glaring. Mainly 'cause it's at the beginning of a paragraph. Even paragraphs need hooks!

I'm sorry for acting like a sore looserloser each and every time you would beat me at video games.

'Cause English is weird.

So with the piece itself, when did she lose her brother? I'm guessing she lost him a long time ago, so she's already cried her little heart out. When I first read this, I felt like there could have been a lot more sobbing, pathetic-yet-understandably-crushed emotion coming through this. Right now, it's just a sad memoir. Which is fine! This is why I ask when she lost her brother. If it was only a week or a month ago, it probably still hurts like a beast. But if it was a year or so ago, the tone here is probably just fine!

A nitpick I have is the way she signed it. "Carry, your sister" sounds so simple and obvious. D: If maybe she inserted "loving sister" or something more unique to her current feelings, then I'd probably be okay with it. But just simply "your sister" seemed like a cop-out to make it clear to the reader that Carrie and Mike are siblings. The piece itself made it clear already that they are siblings, so I'd work on personalizing the signature more.

Um. That's actually all I have to say! My biggest question is when exactly did Mike die and if this should appear to be more sad and emotional. It didn't make me cry or make my heart churn. It made me sad for Carrie when I finished, but it didn't emotionally grab me. I said "aww" a few times. That's about it! But the only way this could be emotionally grabbing for the reader, I think, is if Carrie was completely torn to shreds when she wrote this. So food for thought!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

This is very sad, and very fun to read out loud. I just acted it out to myself. (I wish I could act in front of other people. xD)

Anyways, I can see that you like to do these types of stories, the sad ones that make people cry, and thank goodness you do because I think these kinds of stories compliment your soft and comforting way of writing the best.

Quotes 'N' Comments

There were a lot of messed up things that happened with you and me.

I'd like to hear more about this. I'm sorry, but not appreciating each other really isn't that messed up. Siblings are supposed to bicker and fight and not think about the consequences (you should know that just as well as I). I think maybe you should add another things to this, more than just the lake. There has to be a more particular moment between them that stands out. Things happen every day; think of something very important, something bad. But then also back it up with something good. I see a lot of negative things here, but I'd like to see something that's truly positive. My sister and I bicker all the time, but there are still moments between us that are perfect and that I will never forget.

because you always did.

He always did what? I'm sure you could explain this a little better.

God has cheated you out of your life, Mike.

This surprised me a lot, actually. Usually in these circumstances, your character would say 'God just needed you in heaven more than he needed you on earth.' But you took an entirely different direction by opposing God's decision. I wish you would expand on this more!

Overall

This was good, but it's not great. I feel like I've read this before, with the Annie stuff, and the other stories with death that you write. I enjoy reading all of these things, but I'd like to see you stretch outside of your comfort zone and write something a bit harder, possibly something happy? As an artist, I know the easiest emotion to convey is sadness, and I don't think it's that much different in writing. Try writing something that isn't sad. I think you'd be great at that, too.

As I said before, I think you should try to add some more aspects into this. What was there family life like? Was the mom and dad around? Are they similar, the brother and the sister? Did any drama go on between them? How far apart in age were there? I can see that this is loosely based on your brother, since I know about your life , so why not adding in some factors of your life into it? I know your home life isn't as perfect as we both wish, so use some of the material from your own life and add it in here.

By the way, this inspires me to write something, so away I go to do that!

Love ya, keep writing,

Classy

This was a really good short story. I feel very tied in with the character, Carrie. I often find myself seeking the attention of my older sisters, though I can be very obnoxious to them both. I do love them very much, as Carrie did to Mike. And I often feel sad when I think of loosing either of them.. Seeing this made me remember why in the end, I appreciate every moment I can get with my sisters. Because even if you don't know it then, growing up you only have your siblings are your real best friends. Bickering and fussing aside, they'll always be there for you. I enjoyed the examples you gave, such as her wishing he'd teach her to skateboard, and how he always beat her at video games to show that even if they argued, they still hung around one another. It seemed as though she was almost always around him, but pretending to dread it. I also noticed that when you noted how they together were caught doing bad things, showing they at least did things with each-other. I feel really bad that Mike was, reading this almost made me wish I knew the guy, and he's fictional! Way to go, pulling the reader in is the best thing to do with your writing! Good job!

I'm finally here!

I like this, Ellie. It's short and sweet. Well, not sweet exactly, but hey, you know what I mean. It was pretty short, so I'm not sure if I'll have a lot to say, especially after the reviews you've already got, but I'll give it a shot. I'm a huge fan of depressing things, so this is perfect for me. Your technical stuff is wonderful, far better than mine, so a thumbs up for you on the grammar, spelling and such. I like the idea too because of its simplicity. It's not exactly the most original piece in the world, but nonetheless, it just... works. ^^

I'm not sure if I have anything new to add... >.< I think the main thing that stood out to me here was the amount of detail you have in this. Basically, I want to see more. When it comes down to it, all we know is that Carrie's brother died, and even though she told him he was annoying and stuff, she really looked up to him. We don't know how old he was, how old Carrie is, what their family situation is, we don't know what actually happened to Mike, we don't know when he died e.t.c. I'm not saying you have to chuck a load of information at us, but I would like to see more. The real reason I want you to do this is because, right now, I don't feel much of a connection to Carrie.

Like Jabber said, I did feel a bit bad for her and go 'awww' a few times, but there was no heartbreaking emotion or anything like that for me. The main reason for that, I think, is because I don't know her well enough, or know enough about the situation. I guess you could say that parts of this feel empty right now. I don't know, maybe you want there to be a lack of details or something, but I'd personally prefer it if there was at least a little bit more... you know? I'd at least like to know how he died. I'd also like to know when he died for the sake of my next critique.

Right now, partly because of the lack of detail, this feels a bit, well, emotionless. Like I said above, I don't know if the lack of detail and emotion is done on purpose, so this is a bit of an awkward one. For example, if he died years and years ago, I don't expect this to be full of heartbreaking emotion, but if he died a year ago (or sooner), then I do think you need more emotion. I have a feeling someone (Jabber?) has actually already mentioned this to you... but yeah, I agree. It would mean you having to make it longer, but it would definitely be worth it, methinks.

I think that's about it! Well done, Ellie. I really do like this, and congrats on it being featured. It deserves it.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey Ellie! Sorry for the delay. I have to warn you (and I think I've said this before) that I really don't like letter-style stories, so I'm already biased, but I'll try to look at this objectively, but I can't promise.

I wish I would have endured the eight-hour drive to visit you in college more, because you always did.

I agree with everyone else here: he always did what? Endured the trip? I know what you mean, but if sounds a little off-- he isn't driving to visit himself in college, so it doesn't quite fit.

God has cheated you out of your life, Mike.

Classy's super-right, here-- this has a ton of potential for exploration. That tone of bitterness. Everywhere else you're said and guilty, but here maybe she tries to pin the blame on God, showing a different side of grief.

I agree with Jabs that the "Your Sister" part of the signature isn't needed; you already make it abundantly clear, so it just seems obvious.

My main thing is that this could be anyone. Any sister/brother combination, anywhere in the world, any two characters, under any situation. Maybe you have a word limit for the contest, but the sadness here is so vague that I can't feel it. You begin to start delving deeper when you talk about the blueberry and mustard combination (eww, by the way!) and some more specific things, like how she wished she let him teach her to skateboard, but it still feels so distant.

The main thing I feel like I'm missing is how he died. My first short story on YWS is called Dusting Off Angels, and it's similar to this-- a brother mourning his sister, though. One of the main critiques on that was that I needed to mention how she died to make it more real. I think that applies here too-- just a sentence, a passing lament about how she hopes the car impact didn't hurt him, how she wished she went on that lake trip so someone could've pulled him out of the water, how she wishes she had believed the doctors when they said the cancer was terminal. Otherwise he could be anyone. The age bit didn't bother me, since you mentioned he was in college.

Basically, I'd like to see this individualized even more. Cut out all the vague, noncommittal-sisterly responses ("there were a lot of messed up things that happened between you and me" and "I loved being with you and just having fun".) Good job, and good luck! It's very well-written, and super-sweet.

~Evi

This sounds like it would make a decent eulogy. It kinda highlights that people don't understand the good that they've been given until it's gone. Very touching.
About the only problems I saw grammatically was that looser should lose an o. Aside from that and stuff everyone else has already mentioned, this looks good and very sad. Keep it up.

I like this a lot. It's truthful and since it's in letter form, it feels right for it to be written the way that it is. So simple and truthful. It made me really sad actually... its something that a lot of people can relate to, with hating but loving their siblings just because they're their siblings. My sister for instance, we fight a lot, but I don't know what I would do with out her. It's a really great piece.

Wow, i found this letter beautiful. The way you wrote it, it just made me so emotional. the point of the letter, writing it to her dead brother I presume? I thought this was a peice of art. Beautiful job!

Keep Writing!

Nike