Dear Anna (Poetry Pairs)

This is my poetry pairs contest entry with Elinor Brynn, which she has submitted before, but we've received no reviews. So we've done some editing on our own, and this time I'm trying for some last minute input. Please, reviewing wolves, have at it! And please, whichever you think would be a better title, do tell.
------------------------------------------------
Dear Anna,
I'm fighting for you.
I'm battling amongst this desolation.
Amongst each putrid layer of empty sky,
my stomach a cauldron of vomit about to boil over.
My face, stinging with acid sweat --
Others around me become empty shells in mere moments;
their lives leak out of the bullet wounds,
adorning each with the plastic eyes
of toy soldiers; dead dolls.
This has been life, over a year in the making.
Life in the sense that I'm still breathing,
that blood still flows through my veins.
This isn't truly living.

They told me I could see you, and our Eliza.
But you have been kept from me time and time again
as I am bound to this horrid place,
damned to meet my end thousands of miles from you.

Perhaps I am deserving of living through hell.
But I wonder, still, whether I'll come back home.
Could I even accept happiness for myself?

It comes to me now, after many times before
when answers would whizz by my head.
It catches me dead in the chest,
cutting through my being in the worst way.
I am cut, helpless, and no one comes to my aid.
I fall, a single toy soldier among thousands.
Calmness overcomes me, however.
A realization, a reality, had rushed at me
but I caught it like a bullet.

Anna,
I know that all our lives together,
my troubles had been made yours
despite years of love and loyalty.
For myself, I cannot truthfully claim innocence.
Every bottle I drank, I knew too well in my drunken delirium
that it would end up in pieces over your lovely head.
I would take it all back if I could.

I know you loved me out of fear, but loved me all the same.
My love was harsh and not always loyal.
You were always hurt because of me;
the physical abuse or the girls I'd take into our home.
I had to have you, and I had to have them.
If only I wasn't so selfish, maybe I'd realize
I'd only be happy with you, Anna.

I know you don't regret Eliza
though I regret not being a father to her.
The cherubim face of an angel's daughter
was enough to melt my heart,
though I ceased to show her love
just like I ceased to show it to you.

My dearest Anna...
All I hope you understand is that I really do love you.
Perhaps fate will separate us. I don't believe
that I belong in the same pure world you do.
Before I accept my toy soldier eyes
I would like to say
that I'm sorry.
For everything.

Walker here, with the review I couldn't not do ;D.

Okay, so because this is for the colab contest, I am pulling out all the guns, so hopefully this doesn't come across as harsh!

Dear Anna,
I'm fighting for you.
I'm battling amongst this desolation.
Amongst each putrid layer of empty sky,
my stomach a cauldron of vomit about to boil over. <-- alright so, as much as prose rules usually dont effect poetry, in this case I will point out that you have sentence that leads into something of which never gets explained. That being said, you might want to give reason in the sentence or get rid of it completely.
My face, stinging with acid sweat -- <-- again, a sentence with no real purpose. Change the comma with an 'is'.
Others around me become empty shells in mere moments; <--- try something other than 'shells'. You give lovely imagery below as being toys of plastic but here I still have the image of soliders. Maybe something like 'synthetics'. It may not make sense initially but it will connect and the reader will like the imagery given.
their lives leak out of the bullet wounds,
adorning each with the plastic eyes
of toy soldiers; dead dolls. <-- I adore this imagery! The past four lines are wonderful!
This has been life, over a year in the making.
Life in the sense that I'm still breathing,
that blood still flows through my veins.
This isn't truly living. <--- put 'yet' at the beginning of the sentence and change the period to a comma behind veins.

They told me I could see you, and our Eliza. <-- I dont know why, but I always hated name dropping in poetry. Maybe change this to 'our baby girl' or something cute like that.
But you have been kept from me time and time again
as I am bound to this horrid place,
damned to meet my end thousands of miles from you. <--- love love love this. A little simple though. Try throwing in a bit more imagery here as poetry is the flow of images. Not so much just a story or you'll have merely a letter and not a piece of poetry.

Perhaps I am deserving of living through hell. <--- I would change 'deserving' to 'deserve' and take the of and am out. That gives you more opportunities to add a more imagery intensifying word than hell. Maybe 'flames of guilt' or something rather devastating and putrid like your first stanza.
But I wonder, still, whether I'll come back home.
Could I even accept happiness for myself? <--- too simple. The poem is losing its imagery the further the poem goes in.

It comes to me now, after many times before
when answers would whizz by my head.
It catches me dead in the chest,
cutting through my being in the worst way.
I am cut, helpless, and no one comes to my aid. <-- you repeat the word 'cut' in two sentences. Its a repetition that isn't good in this case so I would change the second cut.
I fall, a single toy soldier among thousands.
Calmness overcomes me, however.
A realization, a reality, had rushed at me <-- you jump tense. Change the 'had' to 'has'.
but I caught it like a bullet. <-- caught what? As much as thats cool imagery, it doesn't make any sense.

Anna,
I know that all our lives together,<---- change 'all' to 'in' and 'lives' to 'life'.
my troubles had been made yours <--- then change 'had been made' to 'would become'.
despite years of love and loyalty.
For myself, I cannot truthfully claim innocence.
Every bottle I drank, I knew too well in my drunken delirium
that it would end up in pieces over your lovely head. <--- drank and drunken give the appearance of redundancy. Change one or the other.
I would take it all back if I could.

I know you loved me out of fear, but loved me all the same.
My love was harsh and not always loyal. <--- love love love. You keep repeating words. Give imagery. Its poetry so don't just tell us. Show us what love is! Show us what pain is! What loss and what growth bring! Thats the beauty of poetry.
You were always hurt because of me;
the physical abuse or the girls I'd take into our home.
I had to have you, and I had to have them. <--- The idea of remorse is interesting and I love it and all, but I think there could be enough of that in the idea of killing alone that this whole section doesn't seem necessary at all. You could easily use this section for imagery that has been lacking for the past little while.
If only I wasn't so selfish, maybe I'd realize
I'd only be happy with you, Anna.

I know you don't regret Eliza
though I regret not being a father to her. <--- he's at war. Give imagery about how he wants desperately but 'can't' be a father.
The cherubim face of an angel's daughter <-- love this imagery.
was enough to melt my heart,
though I ceased to show her love
just like I ceased to show it to you.

My dearest Anna...
All I hope you understand is that I really do love you.
Perhaps fate will separate us. I don't believe <--- I am not a fan of having periods in the middle of a line of poetry. It cuts any chance of flow and it makes it seem like this was a short story just spread apart sporatcally.
that I belong in the same pure world you do.
Before I accept my toy soldier eyes
I would like to say
that I'm sorry.
For everything. <--- I will say I like the ending, though simple! If anything, keep these last four lines the same.

Okay, so that completes my nit-pick section. The Red is immediate changes, the blue my personal opinions on what should change, and the green is what I enjoyed.

Overall:

Is it just me or does this feel rushed?

I'm not trying to be mean, cause I love the topic and everything, just that you both give such a beautifully imaged first stanza that I was a little surprised and a little disappointed that the end wasn't nearly as strong.

Its not that you both don't have the ability to write good poetry. I see that in the first stanza. Just that you lost it during the rest of the poem. Go back. You have a skeleton here and a very strong skeleton if anything, which is good. The best thing you can do for this piece now would be to start thinking of imagery for those lines instead of just leaving them as a telling of events. Show us beauty. Show us grotesque images. None of this 'I had to have you, you were so beautiful' crap. More like 'my hearts desire was the epitamy of your charm, my only hope the glorious radiance of your angelic face'. Its all about the wording and what you want us to see.

Thats why poetry's so hard though! So I definitely will say that this has quite a bit of potential, but seeing as its for a contest, I would definitely say for you to go back and give it a couple one-overs.

Oh and, I would think the best thing would be to name it Dear Anna. You don't want to give away the idea of the poem before people read it! They should discern it for themselves.

~Walker

Wow ! I loved this poem. I liked the description you put inside, how the soldeir feels. The guilt he has which is weighing him down. The way he knows that he will die and is resigned. Beautiful piece, keep up the good work !

Hello there

I really like this.

I really like the format that you used here.

You turned what would have been a average love poem into a really interesting and captavating poem.

I like that you tied in lots of diffrent themes into this. It made this very layered, and you can disect it many diffrent ways.