The Family Feud

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Chapter 1: My First Day

“DAD! MOM! I’m leaving for school.”

“You haven’t had breakfast yet.” said my mom.

“So? Ugh. J.C. get off of me, you’re crushing me.” I said looking at him with disgust.

“Aw. I can’t help it, my little sister is off to high school.” he said laughing.

I flicked him off and kissed my mother and said the rest of my goodbyes. It was a little bit before 7 as I walked to Haven High. I got there just before the morning hallway traffic. I peered down the hallway to see my best friend, Toriah Danes. She is my best friend, we’ve been together since we were in diapers. We talked about what we were going to do this weekend.
As we both walked down the hallway, it was hectic and crowded. The walls looked like they were bursting at the seams. People were pushing and rushing to get to class.
When we walked into our homeroom we saw a vibrant, young and lively woman. The projection screen read, Ms. Pearly Gates.

“Hello class. My name is Ms. Pearly Gates or Ms. PG. I will be your Advanced Writing teacher this year. Please sit down in your seats so I can learn names and take roll.”

After a few minutes she called my name.

“Jazmyn Sonjan”

“Here.” I said, raising my hand.

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I had knew I made a huge mistake, everyone gasped. Then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Aren’t you GOD’s daughter?”

Just before I could answer the bell rung, signaling that homeroom was over. Toriah rushed me out of class, before anyone could talk to me.

“We have to get you home before anymore questions.” she rushed out, in one confusing sentence.

“No. My dad told me how he handled this. He just denied having anything to do with my grandfather.” I said matter-of-factly.

“Ok, but if you want to go home, just tell me and I’ll call my mom.”

“Thanks, but no thanks girllie.” I said smiling at her worry.

We got through the day without calling Toriah’s mom. We walked out of the school yard and into the street. We got to the other side and started talking.

“So what are you doing tonight?” Toriah asked.

I shrugged. “Nothing special. I have to wait until my Dad comes home from his once a year visit with Lucifer”

“Maybe he will let you go since you’re now 16.” she said so unassumingly, obvious not knowing the wrath of my father. Which makes me think of the time I snuck out of the house to go to Ravan’s house party and got caught when Ravan’s parents came home when they arrived home earlier than planned. They had called all our parents, and man he was angry.

I laughed sarcastically, rolling my eyes. “Maybe when pigs fly. He doesn’t want me associating with them.”

“Well there’s nothing you can really do.” she said, shrugging.

We turned onto our street and I turned to face her. “I’ll call you when he come home to tell you how the meeting went. You know he always tells us what happens.”

“Alright bye.” She said.
I walked up the hill, up the long, winding path to my house. I got to the door and opened it walking into what seemed like an empty house.

“Mom, I’m home! Mom? Where are you?” I asked to the empty air, eventually getting an answer.
“ In here, help yourself to some cookies, they’re your favorite.”

“Ooo. Chocolate chip. And they are still warm.” I say with a glint of happiness in my eyes.

Taking four cookies into the palm of my hand, I trek up the stairs to my room to start on my homework. After a grueling three hours of mind-numbing algebra homework, my father came creeping out of his study knowing that dinner was ready.

“Jazmyn! Dinner!!” my mother yelled from downstairs, sounding miles away.

“Ok! Coming!” I respond back.

Slipping out of the door and cutting across the hallway, I crept down the stairs and past the throne room. The door was cracked and the light to my dad’s study was on. It is usually off limits to us but my curiosity got the best of me. I stepped up to the door sliently and could hear my father on the phone talking to someone.

“No. She’s not coming. He will be there and I don’t want them associating.”

I tried to consume what I just heard. Shuffling past the door quietly, I saunter into the dinning room. I had my poker face on, trying my hardest not to look guilty. I had decided to ask my dad if I could go with him in front of my mom. I get a better chance of getting what I want from him if I asked in front of her. After a few minutes I went in for the attack.

“Mmmm. Mom these potatoes are fantastic.” I say smiling at my mother.

“Suck up.” J.C. mumbled under his breath.

“What do you want?” my dad said, hesitantly, raising his eyebrow.

I feigned a look of shock and appall. “Why would you think I want something, Daddy?” I stated in a sweet and innocent voice, so syrupy sweet.


Then J.C. jumped in with his two cents.


“It’s because you are acting like a suck up.” he said, sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

“What? I can’t be nice?” I asked looking defiant

“Then just tell him what you want.”

At that I looked to the head of the table where my father sat looking regal and shining. Sometimes I forget he is who he really is, not just my dad.

“Daddy, can I go with you to your meeting?” I asked trying not to look at his face, but I couldn’t help it. Then his face turned purple and then flashed as bright as a tomato.

“NO YOU MAY NOT YOUNG LADY!!! You’re not leaving this house ESPECIALLY on a school night.” he said is voice filled with authority.

“But dad...” I said meekly.

“Don’t ‘but dad’ me. You are not going and that is final.” he said with a stern face, unmoving.

“That’s not even fair! You let J.C. go when he was my age and you won’t let me go?”

“Because I said so, and that all I am going to say on the matter.” he growled, pushing his chair from the table and stomping from the room, making the dishes clatter loudly.
Last edited by Qoh16 on Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:14 am, edited 5 times in total.
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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I'm curious to where this is heading haha. It was rather short and I was kind of wondering if you were going to continue with it. Hopefully you keep writing this because I want to read more. I was a little lost at it, but I'm sure I'll understand once you write more!! From what I read I couldn't find anything wrong but I am solely tired at this point as I haven't slept in weeks I could've just skipped over it but once I am better I shall read it once again and find if there is anything I need to point out. As for now you did amazing and keep writing this. Good luck and Happy writing!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




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Haha. yeah. i just got tired and quit on writing. Maybe when I finish you can suggest a title. And I suggest you go to sleep. :D
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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Its still amazing sister. Hopefully you write chapter 2 soon so I may read XD. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!
Soulkana<3
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Thanks chica! I am gonna start the second one now. :)
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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CHICA.!!!!!!!
QUE BUENA.!! ME GUSTA MAS.!!!!
(Lolz yes im reading this 4rm skoo like I promised..)
But overall Its good so far.. lolz so down to Earth.
However I cant picture how any of the characters look like, I mean when I read I see it playing out in my head, and I cant exactly put a face to Jaz. Plus her father is GOD right.?? Come on, reader wanna know what he looks like. I mean does he look like a dad.? Long hair, short hair, muscular... SOMETHING.!!!!!
STOP LEAVING US HANGING.!!!!! :)
Love you <3 **muahhh**




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And wats with the Title.???????




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And wats with the Title.???????




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It will make sense later in the story. I can't be giving stuff away!!! Even if you are my sister. Haha. You are gonna have to read just like everyone else. :D
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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“Maybe he will let you go since you’re now 16.” she said so unassumingly, obvious not knowing the wrath of my father. Which makes me think of the time I snuck out of the house to go to Ravan’s house party and got caught when Ravan’s parents came home when they arrived home earlier than planned. They had called all our parents, and man he was angry.

Run on sentance

I laughed sarcastically, rolling my eyes. “Maybe when pigs fly. He doesn’t want me associating with them.”

Cliche anybody?

“Ooo. Chocolate chip. And they are still warm.” I say with a glint of happiness in my eyes.

Now we're talking in the third person, are we? :P Rephrasing that should come under consideration.

Slipping out of the door and cutting across the hallway, I crept down the stairs and past the throne room.

Litterally a throne room, or figuratively(I've only read up to this point at the writing of this line)?

It is usually off limits to us but my curiosity got the best of me. I stepped up to the door sliently and could hear my father on the phone talking to someone.


This seems to get some character devolopment going on up in here! Be careful, if you don't want her to seem the investigative, curious, inquisitive type, you may be passing the wrong signal.
Qoh16, do read the spoiler, please, might I add? I've been rude enough through the review haven't I, the least I could do is say "please," right? :3 This is my prediction, not really a spoiler:
Spoiler
If she dies in the end, then curiosity killed the cat, so it might turn out a little cliche in the end!


“No. She’s not coming. He will be there and I don’t want them associating.”

Wow. He's predictable! I assume that's the message you're trying to send, and this "stereotype" is fairly common in terms of the real world. Don't be afraid to embrace it, really. (In my opinion, but nobody cares about me! :D)

“Mmmm. Mom these potatoes are fantastic.” I say smiling at my mother.


I think there's a comma that wants to be placed here: I say, smiling at my mother.
See look how lonely he is down there! :0 He needs a hug!




,


I feigned a look of shock and appall. “Why would you think I want something, Daddy?” I stated in a sweet and innocent voice, so syrupy sweet.

Now it seems you are swaying to turn the story into what I've mutilated my review to be: A comedy. :P This makes her look cookie-cutterish, and realistically I don't see people acting that way. However, if you persist in such cliche lines, I think everything may turn out right. The entire story must have the light-hearthed feel,(disregaurd the "plot factor," for now), and based on the prior part I've read, it seems that's what you are trying to do. Some great stories and movies have pulled off the serious plot(in the event it's serious), but have littered it with those "sit-comm-ish" lines and puns. Personally I like it.

So far, the story seems pretty good. Unstable, but shows potential.

I read the last parts without comment. Is that a good or a bad thing?

OVERALL:

I found it rather interesting, but the characters seem quite predictable, albeit I won't call them flat or boring. They all seem like stereotypes to me, which is how I start my characters, them work off them. Don't ride on the idea. Build on it. I'll hopefully take a break, as if I attempt to right another review I'll probably create something even more smart-bleepis and rude. But I might read more, still. Just pray I don't review more.

PS: If you felt like I crushed part of you or you are overjoyed, or are made to think from my review, take that as a good thing. It means you are attached to the story and commited.

PPS: I feel really hyper hyperhhypergyroyerpsdfgrpewrjIUHDF right now. I tried to type really fast there, but I kept hitting keys next to things and everything went all badsys on my!

PPPS: Don't you love post whatever-they're-calleds(the appended PPPS')?

PPPPS: Yes, it is PPPP not PSSSS. The P stands for Post, the S stands for...something, that's right, something. I'm sure of it... :D Wow I'm hyper.

PPPPPS: I actually kind of like this review. I hope I made you laugh, and not cry or die at all. Later, I'll probably gouge my eyes out at the thought that I actually wrote this horrid-in-reality review.

Another appendage of an acronym of which I don't know what it represents: After reading the review above, I have to say( I think I said it previously)I can say I clearly "saw" everything. I contest her point, and say that even without descriptions, I find it clear the environment. It's assumable based on each characters actions and such, but, a little description never killed anyone(citation needed).

--Skis
By nature, all language is flawed.

"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding," - Albert Einstein




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“DAD! MOM! I’m leaving for school.” Usually, it’s a good thing to refrain from using caps lock in your story. The only place you see it is in children’s books, so if you’re trying to make a more serious novel it’s best to steer clear from it.

“You haven’t had breakfast yet. should be a comma” said my mom.

“So? Ugh. J.C. get off of me, you’re crushing me. comma here instead” I said looking at him with disgust. Picky comment, but this was a bit confusing. First, because it seems as first that she’s still talking to her mom. Second, because I had imagined her standing on her doorstep, and now this implies she’s still lying down or something. Just a bit jarring.

“Aw. I can’t help it, my little sister is off to high school. comma” he said comma laughing. So does that mean he was hugging her? It’s confusing.

I flicked him off and kissed my mother and said the rest of my goodbyes. It was a little bit before 7 technically, you should write out all numbers. Seven o’clock. as I walked to Haven High. I got there just before the morning hallway traffic. So did she drive herself? You make it seem like this was her first year in high school, or at least that’s what I got from it. A ninth grader shouldn’t be able to drive. I peered down the hallway to see my best friend, Toriah Danes. She is my best friend you‘ve just said this; never repeat any information , we’ve been together since we were in diapers. We talked about what we were going to do this weekend. I think you can make Toriah’s introduction much more exciting. Include some dialogue, or a bit of description thrown in. Even if you wanted to give us a quick intro, you should include at least a few details. Did she bound up towards you as soon as you walked through the school doors? Does she wear excessive jewelry or lots of black? Is she the kind of person who hates or loves school? Is she popular or more of an oddball? Give us a small impression to start with.
As we both walked down the hallway, it was hectic and crowded. The walls looked like they were bursting at the seams. People were pushing and rushing to get to class. I like how you’re giving more description here. If you’re trying to amp this story up sa much as possible, give us more insight on your character. Was she getting a bit more excited and giddy from the hectic crowd, or was she feeling about to wet herself because it seemed to her the senior boys towered several feet over her.
When we walked into our homeroom we saw a vibrant, young comma and lively woman. The projection screen read, no comma Ms. Pearly Gates.

“Hello class. My name is Ms. Pearly Gates or Ms. PG. I will be your Advanced Writing teacher this year. Please sit down in your seats so I can learn names and take roll.” Can you describe her voice or appearance?

After a few minutes she called my name.

“Jazmyn Sonjan”

“Here. comma” I said, raising my hand.

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I had knew I made a huge mistake, period or semicolon; you are separating two separate sentences that are related. everyone gasped. Then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Aren’t you GOD’s to avoid of using caps, italicize this to show it’s emphasized daughter?”

Just before I could answer the bell rung, signaling that homeroom was over. Huh? But class just started; you were just taking roll! If classes today were unusually short, you should’ve told us this before. Toriah rushed me out of class, no comma before anyone could talk to me.

“We have to get you home before anymore any more questions.” she rushed out to me, rushed out sounds a little weird. I imagine her rushing out of the building. Would blurted out sound better? , in one confusing sentence.

“No. My dad told me how he handled this. He just denied having anything to do with my grandfather.” I said matter-of-factly.

“Ok, but if you want to go home, just tell me and I’ll call my mom.”

“Thanks, but no thanks girllie.” I said smiling at her worry. This is believable dialogue, good job! It feels like the way friends in real life talk, not forced or anything.

We got through the day without calling Toriah’s mom. We walked out of the school yard and into the street. We got to the other side and started talking. You should make this sound a bit more interesting. Right now it sounds like ‘We never had to resort to calling Toriah’s mom. We walked out of school and into the street. We crossed the street and started talking.’ It’s a very ‘we did this, then we did that’ way of writing. Try to add some kind of description or phrasing that makes it more enjoyable.

“So what are you doing tonight?” Toriah asked.

I shrugged. “Nothing special. I have to wait until my Dad comes home from his once a year visit with Lucifer forgot a period

“Maybe he will let you go since you’re now 16 sixteen.” she said so unassumingly, obvious not knowing the wrath of my father. This sounds like it can be rephrased. “Maybe he will let you go somewhere, now that you’re sixteen,“ she suggested, always ignorant of my father’s wrath. Which makes me think of the time I snuck out of the house to go to Ravan’s house party and got caught when Ravan’s parents came home when they arrived home earlier than planned. They had called all our parents, and man he was angry.

I laughed sarcastically, rolling my eyes. “Maybe when pigs fly. He doesn’t want me associating with them.”

“Well there’s nothing you can really do.” she said, shrugging.

We turned onto our street and I turned to face her. “I’ll call you when he come home to tell you how the meeting went. You know he always tells us what happens.”

“Alright bye.” She said.
I walked up the hill, up the long, winding path to my house. I got to the door and opened it walking into what seemed like an empty house. Again, the sentence structure is a bit bland. ‘I walked up the hill on the winding path. I got to the door and opened it.’ I like how you described the house being on a hill, and a long winding path the leads up to it. It makes me picture it as some kind of mansion, but you never say for sure. So if you could describe the house, or if the path was made out of stone or brick or dirt, or if the sky was clear and blue or gray… you get the idea. Just a few more details sprinkled in here and there can really help to bring us into your world.

“Mom, I’m home! Mom? Where are you?” I asked to the empty air, eventually getting an answer.
“ In here, help yourself to some cookies, they’re your favorite.”

“Ooo. Chocolate chip. And they are still warm.” I say with a glint of happiness in my eyes.

Taking four cookies into the palm of my hand, I trek up the stairs to my room to start on my homework. After a grueling three hours of mind-numbing algebra homework, my father came creeping out of his study knowing that dinner was ready. Great descriptive sentence!

“Jazmyn! Dinner!!” my mother yelled from downstairs, sounding miles away.

“Ok! Coming!” I respond back.

Slipping out of the door and cutting across the hallway, I crept down the stairs and past the throne room. The door was cracked and the light to my dad’s study was on. It is usually off limits to us but my curiosity got the best of me. I stepped up to the door sliently and could hear my father on the phone talking to someone. To me, it just seems strange that you’d suddenly grow curious of a door that’s always been there.

“No. She’s not coming. He will be there and I don’t want them associating.”

I tried to consume what I just heard. Shuffling past the door quietly, I saunter into the dinning room Wait, so you just leave after hearing that? It‘s more realistic to stay and hear more so that you can put what he said in context. . I had my poker face on, trying my hardest not to look guilty. I had decided to ask my dad if I could go with him in front of my mom. huh? What does this mean? I get a better chance of getting what I want from him if I asked in front of her. After a few minutes I went in for the attack.

“Mmmm. Mom these potatoes are fantastic.” I say complimented might be a more descriptive word smiling at my mother.

“Suck up.” J.C. mumbled under his breath.

“What do you want?” my dad said asked, no comma hesitantly, raising his eyebrow.

I feigned a look of shock and appall. “Why would you think I want something, Daddy?” I stated in a sweet and innocent voice, so syrupy sweet.


Then J.C. jumped in with his two cents.


“It’s because you are acting like a suck up.” he said, no comma sarcastically, rolling his eyes. I get the impression that this is her younger brother because he seems much less mature than her.

“What? I can’t be nice?” I asked looking defiant period

“Then just tell him what you want.”

At that I looked to the head of the table where my father sat looking regal and shining. Shining literally? It’s hard to picture. Sometimes I forget he is who he really is, not just my dad.

“Daddy, can I go with you to your meeting?” I asked trying not to look at his face, but I couldn’t help it. Then his face turned purple and then flashed as bright as a tomato.

“NO YOU MAY NOT YOUNG LADY!!! You’re not leaving this house ESPECIALLY on a school night.” he said you should try switching up your dialogue tags every once in a while, especially when ’said’ doesn’t really fit anymore. He didn’t say it, he bellowed it! Roared, screamed; furious. Also, lay off the caps and excess exclamation points. is voice filled with authority.

“But dad...” I said meekly.

“Don’t ‘but dad’ me. You are not going and that is final.” he said with a stern face, unmoving.

“That’s not even fair! You let J.C. go when he was my age and you won’t let me go?”

“Because I said so, and that all I am going to say on the matter.” he growled, pushing his chair from the table and stomping from the room, making the dishes clatter loudly. Maybe it would be best to leave this chapter off with a last reaction from your main character. Was she on the verge of tears, or frustrated and angry herself at his blatant refusal? We never know!


Overall, I think this is interesting! I like the idea of her dad being God, though I don’t really know what that means in your world or your society. Do people think of him as a holy and just god, or someone to be feared? What kind of treatment does your main character usually get because of being his kid? You never give us specifics, only that it was annoying enough to maybe leave school because of it. So there is still much explaining for you to do, but for now, this is a good start. Just keep adding details to make this more engaging and clear, and you’ll be on the right track.

I always tell people to take a good look at their characters, and make sure you make them unique and full of life. I don’t really know who any of these people are yet. So far, I’d say you’re leaning a bit into the stereotypes; the mean, stubborn father; the immature, sarcastic older brother; the loving mother; the best friend, who only seems to exist to give the main character someone to talk to. Work to develop these people and make them memorable, and not forgettable.

Your grammar for the most part is good, but I highly encourage you to look up comma rules. Also, tips on description and dialogue would definitely not hurt, either.

So that’s all I’ll say for this chapter, hope I helped!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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This is a fairly simplistic style of writing. Honestly, it just shows that you're young. (Sorry if that's offensive.) Be descriptive--use pretty words that mean the same thing as the common word you'd normally use. The dictionary and the thesaurus are your friends.

Play around with words, and always be thinking about the choices you've made in a piece. Is this the best word to describe this? Should I phrase this differently? Does this sound strange? How can I make this better?

Really, the only way you can improve yourself is to keep writing. Provided, of course, that you listen to teachers and critiquers, and that you are really interested and work at becoming better in your writing, you'll eventually improve.

Overall, this is ok, but it's not something I'd normally read. (Sorry.)
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Okay. I see that you have some extremely thorough reviews here, so some of (or all of) what I'm about to say may be a bit redundant. Overall, I really liked this story. It's a very interesting idea and it caught my interest right away. There are only a few not-picky things that I'm going to point out.

We got through the day without calling Toriah’s mom. We walked out of the school yard and into the street. We got to the other side and started talking.


You started every one of these sentences with "We" which makes it sound more like a choppy list. You should add more detail here and start the sentences differently so it doesn't sound as choppy and makes it flow together more.

Throughout most of this, you didn't use as much detail as you probably could, or should have. Some parts were like the example above, and were just short sentences stuck in and didn't really add anything to it. It seemed almost as if you were saying the things that were absolutely necessary, and didn't add anything to liven it up.

“So? Ugh. J.C. get off of me, you’re crushing me.” I said looking at him with disgust.

“Aw. I can’t help it, my little sister is off to high school.” he said laughing.


The first line makes it seem like he's a little boy who jumped on her, or he's sitting on her and she can't get up. Either way, you should probably say beforehand that he's on her (or hugging her?) instead of just working it into the conversation like that, because I was a bit confused. The way you opened the story made it seem like she was walking out the door, but then you said "get off of me" and then I pictured her on the floor with a seven year old on top of her? It was just confusing. And then you said "little sister" which changed my view, AGAIN. So all in all, that part was slightly confusing.

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I had knew I made a huge mistake, everyone gasped. Then someone in the back of the room yelled, “Aren’t you GOD’s daughter?”


Okay. This one was also a little weird. Is this some sort of special high school for important people? Or does everyone on the face of the planet know that God is a person, and that he has a daughter? Yeah, just a little thing you should have mentioned in the beginning. And one more thing, I would refrain from using caps lock in a novel. You should italicize "God" instead, because it's more professional. (The same with the "Mom! Dad!" in the beginning, as well as the sentence God yells at the end. You should describe how loud it is, instead of using caps lock.)

I think that's about all for now... Oh! Right, and avoid using excessive punctuation. The sentence God yells, "No you may not, young lady!" had about four exclamation points at the end, and when authors do things like that, it makes them seem a little childish and unprofessional.

But other than those nit-picky things, I think it's a very good start :P
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pretty short but it was good ! (: Does Jazmyn fall in love with Lucifer? Omg you need to tell me.



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