vengeance (chapter six)

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Chapter six

After we set up our campsite, which had grown considerably since the previous night, (The twins actually had mats to sleep on and cooking utensils, which we used to cook some wild rats) the four of us sat around Sarah's lantern apparatus and talked. My conversations with them were often interrupted by Dean, who told me that George, who was somehow the Chi of both twins, had the opposite problem of Rebecca. Rather than not talk to him, George seemed never to stop talking. For once I found myself glad I couldn't see other people's Chi.


According to Dean, he got the same answer I did about why the twins only had one Chi. All three of them said that they were just born that way, and they shared their Chi, just as they did everything else. I also learned that the two boys were excellent shots, and only used George to spot their targets. For show, they made a three foot high mound of dirt and put twigs poking out of it. They then proceeded to crouch in the bushes about a hundred yards away and shoot each twig out of the pile of dirt. Sarah and I were a safe distance away, but soon realized that this was unnecessary. They hit all twenty twigs between the two of them, and only used twenty arrows in total. They also boasted that they could shoot three times as far with their crossbows. I was dumbfounded.

"How did you do that?" I asked, completely in awe of their prowess at archery, especially due to the fact that it was nighttime.

"we've been competing at archery since we were old enough to pull the bowstring back," said a boy who was probably James.

"We were always trying to beat each other, till we both became damn near perfect. It was only after we ran away that we started working together," said the boy who was probably John.

"And you don't rely on your Chi that much?" asked Sarah, who according to Dean, most likely couldn't cast a single spell without Rebecca.

"No, he almost never gives us boosts, but he does serve as our eyes and ears. Old George has gotten pretty good at sneaking around undetected.


As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about our new companions. I liked the twins, they were cheerful and charismatic, and they seemed to be able to take care of themselves. The only question was whether they gave a damn about my safety and well being. Maybe it was their rogue nature, or the fact that they kill criminals for money, or even how they seemed to whisper amongst themselves, but part of me didn't trust them. Granted, it was a small part, and they seemed nice, but I had to wonder if one of these days on our journey it wouldn't be opportune for them to help me, and I would end up lying in a ditch, bleeding to death. I'll trust them for now, I thought, but we'll see about tomorrow.


I woke the next day to find that I was nervous. We talked over breakfast about the rumors we had heard regarding Blightwood Forest, and none of it was comforting.

"I heard there are ghosts that eat your soul," piped in one of the twins.

"Yeah, and that the trees try to impale you on their branches as you slowly dissolve from their acidic sap," offered the other.

"Nonsense, there are no such things as ghosts," Sarah scoffed.

"Notice she didn't say anything about the tree thing," Dean said unsettlingly.

"there is however, a Spirit of The Beyond."

"Oh wonderful," John said, "so we have to walk right through his territory to get to Kane."

"It won't be that bad, as long as we don't disturb him in any way, he shouldn't harm us. The one who reins here is named Mazama."

"How do you know this stuff?" asked James.

"Medicine lady, remember?"

"Oh right, magic."

"Medicine."

"Whatever."

The next morning brought with it a sense of excitement and anxious jitters that my whole party seemed to share. No one said anything as we walked toward the forest eating dried fruit for breakfast. Instead of the witty banter that oftentimes occurred, we walked into the jungle ahead silently thinking and observing as the grass became knee high and the trees became progressively taller. Moss began to form on the trees as we walked further, and vines hung above us like cables on some gigantic machine. Suddenly, the light around us faded. Although it was morning, the sun's warm beams of light were obscured by the tree canopy, and were replaced with the dim humid surroundings of Blightwood Forest.

Our silence was broken by a blood curdling shriek. All four of us jumped, our hands moving in the direction of our respective weapons. The noise sounded fairly close, and disturbingly inhuman. We all gave each other a glance, as if warning each other to stay attentive. Another shriek sounded, and this time, instead of stopping it continued on, like a boiling kettle. The twins, arrows pulled back on their bows, rushed forward through the forest ahead of us.

"No wait!" I shouted over the noise.

In an instant, the blindingly loud noise ceased. As I moved into a clearing ahead, I found no monster. All that was there was an arrow protruding from a tree. As I examined closer, I found the arrow to be impaling a small orange frog, whose mouth was still open in mid scream.

"A frog. A bloody frog. Unbelievable." I said bitterly. The whole party visibly relaxed.

After that, the trip through the forest became less scary. The frogs were no less annoying, and sounded every two minutes or so, but knowing that the terrifying screams were what was scaring people filled us with the confidence to continue calmly through the overgrowth.

We chatted as we walked, and I began to tease Sarah playfully. We laughed and joked as we walked, trying to trip one another, while the twins began to talk amongst themselves.

"You like her don't you?" Dean chimed in declaratively.

"Dean... you're jumping to conclusions."

"You should go for it, she likes you too."

"Stop being ridiculous."

"I'm not I'm just saying that-"

He stopped talking suddenly as something dropped from the trees in front of it. The thing that crouched before stunned all of us in shock. It was humanoid, and naked except for a loincloth made from plants. All over its body was blue and black paint, including it's hair, and in its hand was a jagged white knife made from bone. Its teeth were crooked and sharp, and short dreadlocks fell from its filthy head. the fingernails of the creature had been filed to a point, and stuck out a few centemetres past its rough calloused hands. The thing, whose eyes were an eerie shade of dull red, paused a moment to bellow a war cry in another language, then stabbed me suddenly in the shoulder. I decapitated him moments later, my heart beating rapidly, and with every beat my shoulder felt like it was being stabbed again. I cursed loudly, and Sarah rushed over to look at the wound. The twins kept guard, bows at the ready.

"It's not that bad, just a shallow stab wound, you'll be fine."

"Oh that's good," I said weakly, as my vision began to blur. Sarah said something else, but her words came out like I was underwater. My breathing began to increase to the point where my mouth became cold from the air passing through it, and my heart pounded at my chest like a hammer. I don't remember much after my vision died.

"Duncan, are you okay?" Dean, inquired anxiously. He wore a countenance of terror and shock, and looked terribly shaken. Sarah was kneeling beside me, the twins standing on either sides of her, and they were all looking worriedly at me.

"What happened," I gasped out, realizing that I was laying on my back. James held up the bone knife. A viscous green fluid was mixed with my blood on the knife.

"You were poisoned, you just dropped ten seconds ago. Sarah gave you some drink and you woke up."

"the medicine I gave you will only slow the poison, you probably have only three hours until you'll die."

I began to panic slightly.

"Can't you give me an antidote?"

"It's not that simple, I've never seen this poison before, and it would take me days to figure out what ingredients are needed to make an antidote. I think we have only one option."
We all knew what she was talking about.

"Aren't Spirits from The Beyond dangerous?" I asked worriedly, hoping that the cold creeping terror of the looming threat of death was not written all over my face.

"It's your only option now, we'll have to risk it."

"Oi! More of them!" Shouted John, letting an arrow fly. Five or six more of the blue tribal humanoids were coming at us from all sides now, and I sprang to my feet. Ignoring the throbbing pain in my head as the blood rushed from it, I began to slice and stab the advancing foes. Sarah tossed a handful of dust at one tribal creature, which exploded into firework like sparks, stinging him repeatedly until he fell to the ground, clutching his eyes in pain. Unusually cold sweat ran down my face as I gutted another attacker. The sound it made as it sliced his organs made a sick squelching noise, but I had no time for squeamishness. Three more attackers form behind ran full speed towards me in unison. I stabbed one, but was unable to pull my sword from his chest in time to parry the other two attacks. Closing my eyes, I expected to feel another bone knife cut my throat. Instead , I heard both foes drop to the ground, and when I opened my eyes, arrows stuck through the backs of both of their heads as they laid face down in the dirt. I silently thanked John and James, not having the breath the thank them audibly.

At last the attack had ceased. We huddled in a circle to discuss our next course of action.

"The Spirit is going to be in the center of the forest, probably at the top of a tree," Sarah began to inform us.

"Wait just one moment. Every moment we stay in this place we're at risk. Those things are going to keep coming," asserted John, "We have to get out of here, we can seek medical attention at the nearest village."

"We won't make it in time, it'll be days before we reach the next town. We can't leave this place, we have to get help for Duncan."

The twins stared at her. I was still trying to process the situation.

"Well we can't just leave him here!" she said, taking their silence as an unsaid suggestion.

They gave each other a look that sent shivers down my spine. For a split second I saw opportunism flourish in both twins, before they looked back at me. I knew it. They were going to leave me here to die, with my only defense from the hoards of blue freaks being a medicine girl and my own dying wits.

"You're right," James said, "Let's get him to the Spirit, we have no time to spare."

John nodded in approval. Words could not express my gratitude. The twins were risking their own lives to save me. I had never been happier to be wrong.
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Hello there! :)

I smiled at the last sentence, because it reminded me of myself sometimes.

I had never been happier to be wrong.


I just loved that. :) And the description of the tribal people was amazing. I could picture them so clearly in my head, and the picture I got scared me! This entire chapter was just beautifully written and I love love love love LOVED it! I could go on and on about which things I liked, like the frogs, how you described their scream so much more than "They screamed."

I can't wait to read more of this! Amazing job, again! :)

~Amfli
GO TEAM TOXIC NUDIBRANCH! :D
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D




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Again, diving right in! :D

My conversations with them were often interrupted by Dean, who told me that George, who was somehow the Chi of both twins, had the opposite problem of Rebecca. Rather than not talk to him, George seemed never to stop talking. For once I found myself glad I couldn't see other people's Chi.

This is a pretty good couple sentences here. I like how you've already given George a personality trait. Solid, I like it so far.

According to Dean, he got the same answer I did about why the twins only had one Chi. All three of them said that they were just born that way, and they shared their Chi, just as they did everything else. I also learned that the two boys were excellent shots, and only used George to spot their targets. For show, they made a three foot high mound of dirt and put twigs poking out of it. They then proceeded to crouch in the bushes about a hundred yards away and shoot each twig out of the pile of dirt. Sarah and I were a safe distance away, but soon realized that this was unnecessary. They hit all twenty twigs between the two of them, and only used twenty arrows in total. They also boasted that they could shoot three times as far with their crossbows. I was dumbfounded.

Sounds like kind of a lazy explanation of why George is their only Chi. I mean, they don't even have a guess as to why it is? At least put in something of an idea. And also I like the archery test. Reminds me of the Odyssey, when Odysseus shoots and arrow through the axe heads, haha.

"How did you do that?" I asked, completely in awe of their prowess at archery, especially due to the fact that it was nighttime.

"we've been competing at archery since we were old enough to pull the bowstring back," said a boy who was probably James.

"We were always trying to beat each other, till we both became damn near perfect. It was only after we ran away that we started working together," said the boy who was probably John.

"And you don't rely on your Chi that much?" asked Sarah, who according to Dean, most likely couldn't cast a single spell without Rebecca.

"No, he almost never gives us boosts, but he does serve as our eyes and ears. Old George has gotten pretty good at sneaking around undetected.

General decent dialogue, but needs more description of what's going on as it's being said.

As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about our new companions. I liked the twins, they were cheerful and charismatic, and they seemed to be able to take care of themselves. The only question was whether they gave a damn about my safety and well being. Maybe it was their rogue nature, or the fact that they kill criminals for money, or even how they seemed to whisper amongst themselves, but part of me didn't trust them. Granted, it was a small part, and they seemed nice, but I had to wonder if one of these days on our journey it wouldn't be opportune for them to help me, and I would end up lying in a ditch, bleeding to death. I'll trust them for now, I thought, but we'll see about tomorrow.

You know, I was wary about adding the twins to the party at first, but now I think it adds character to the group (gee, now I'm starting to sound like Duncan). But I still have an idea on how you could spice up their story and introduction, if you wanna hear it some time (not saying it here in case you add it, cause of spoilers).

"I heard there are ghosts that eat your soul," piped in one of the twins.

"Yeah, and that the trees try to impale you on their branches as you slowly dissolve from their acidic sap," offered the other.

"Nonsense, there are no such things as ghosts," Sarah scoffed.

"Notice she didn't say anything about the tree thing," Dean said unsettlingly.

"there is however, a Spirit of The Beyond."

"Oh wonderful," John said, "so we have to walk right through his territory to get to Kane."

"It won't be that bad, as long as we don't disturb him in any way, he shouldn't harm us. The one who reins here is named Mazama."

"How do you know this stuff?" asked James.

"Medicine lady, remember?"

"Oh right, magic."

"Medicine."

"Whatever."

You know, your dialogue started off pretty fun and charming, but now it's sort of starting to fall into a formula. Intro-Contradiction-Filler-Agreement-Closer. I mean, your words are pretty good, but try and make it a little shinier you know? Arguments, conflicts, jokes, discussion, these are components of real dialogue. Use em! This goes for the whole novel, not just this chapter.

Instead of the witty banter that oftentimes occurred, we walked into the jungle ahead silently thinking and observing as the grass became knee high and the trees became progressively taller. Moss began to form on the trees as we walked further, and vines hung above us like cables on some gigantic machine. Suddenly, the light around us faded. Although it was morning, the sun's warm beams of light were obscured by the tree canopy, and were replaced with the dim humid surroundings of Blightwood Forest.

You always did have a talent for creating environments buddy. But how about describing it with more, oh I don't know, SHOWING! Don't tell me that there are vines hanging from the canopy, describe how John couldn't get a good shot off because there was so much stuff hanging in his view. You know, stuff like that!

"A frog. A bloody frog. Unbelievable." I said bitterly. The whole party visibly relaxed.

Haha, another one of your signature fun moments!

We chatted as we walked, and I began to tease Sarah playfully. We laughed and joked as we walked, trying to trip one another, while the twins began to talk amongst themselves.

"You like her don't you?" Dean chimed in declaratively.

"Dean... you're jumping to conclusions."

"You should go for it, she likes you too."

"Stop being ridiculous."

MORE SHOWING! Haven't I said it enough? Don't tell me Duncan was teasing Sarah, show me what he said, what he did, how she reacted! Come on, substance man!

He stopped talking suddenly as something dropped from the trees in front of it. The thing that crouched before stunned all of us in shock. It was humanoid, and naked except for a loincloth made from plants. All over its body was blue and black paint, including it's hair, and in its hand was a jagged white knife made from bone. Its teeth were crooked and sharp, and short dreadlocks fell from its filthy head. the fingernails of the creature had been filed to a point, and stuck out a few centemetres past its rough calloused hands. The thing, whose eyes were an eerie shade of dull red, paused a moment to bellow a war cry in another language, then stabbed me suddenly in the shoulder. I decapitated him moments later, my heart beating rapidly, and with every beat my shoulder felt like it was being stabbed again. I cursed loudly, and Sarah rushed over to look at the wound. The twins kept guard, bows at the ready.

You've also always had a talent for creating wonderfully terrifying creatures! :D (you've been playing far too much Kingdom Hearts). But once again, use your environment to describe the creature for you! I love the imagination here, but I started to get bored reading the description, especially since you began like three sentences in a row all with 'it.' Play around with sentence structure and don't be uniform!

"It's not that bad, just a shallow stab wound, you'll be fine."

"Oh that's good," I said weakly, as my vision began to blur. Sarah said something else, but her words came out like I was underwater. My breathing began to increase to the point where my mouth became cold from the air passing through it, and my heart pounded at my chest like a hammer. I don't remember much after my vision died.

'Oh that's good'? Come on man, he just got stabbed in the shoulder! You think he'd be a little irritable.

"Duncan, are you okay?" Dean, inquired anxiously. He wore a countenance of terror and shock, and looked terribly shaken. Sarah was kneeling beside me, the twins standing on either sides of her, and they were all looking worriedly at me.

Don't say 'wore a countenance,' it sounds strange. But I do like how you've given Dean something to do/feel! :D

"You were poisoned, you just dropped ten seconds ago. Sarah gave you some drink and you woke up."

"the medicine I gave you will only slow the poison, you probably have only three hours until you'll die."

Whoa! that's a pretty huge game-changer! Oh man, where's this gonna go?

"Can't you give me an antidote?"

"It's not that simple, I've never seen this poison before, and it would take me days to figure out what ingredients are needed to make an antidote. I think we have only one option."
We all knew what she was talking about.

"Aren't Spirits from The Beyond dangerous?" I asked worriedly, hoping that the cold creeping terror of the looming threat of death was not written all over my face.

"It's your only option now, we'll have to risk it."

. . . okay, just a few little notes.
- If she's never seen the poison before, how does she know it's lethal? Seems a little inconsistent
- Just what the heck are the spirits from the beyond? I mean, you mentioned them once before, but then never again, so I assumed it wasn't very important, but apparently it is! Kind of seems a little rough to just drop it in like that. Since the reader doesn't know, but they all seem to.
- Just how DO they know that this is what they need to do anyway?
A couple of things you might want to think about going over.

"Oi! More of them!" Shouted John, letting an arrow fly. Five or six more of the blue tribal humanoids were coming at us from all sides now, and I sprang to my feet. Ignoring the throbbing pain in my head as the blood rushed from it, I began to slice and stab the advancing foes. Sarah tossed a handful of dust at one tribal creature, which exploded into firework like sparks, stinging him repeatedly until he fell to the ground, clutching his eyes in pain. Unusually cold sweat ran down my face as I gutted another attacker. The sound it made as it sliced his organs made a sick squelching noise, but I had no time for squeamishness. Three more attackers form behind ran full speed towards me in unison. I stabbed one, but was unable to pull my sword from his chest in time to parry the other two attacks. Closing my eyes, I expected to feel another bone knife cut my throat. Instead , I heard both foes drop to the ground, and when I opened my eyes, arrows stuck through the backs of both of their heads as they laid face down in the dirt. I silently thanked John and James, not having the breath the thank them audibly.

Good battle sequence, but seems like you could maybe add a little more to it. Ooh, a Call of Duty moment, like in Modern Warfare in the nuclear explosion when they go to get the helicopter pilot and you have to get her back to the transport plane! Or a last stand moment, where Duncan goes unconscious!

The twins stared at her. I was still trying to process the situation.

"Well we can't just leave him here!" she said, taking their silence as an unsaid suggestion.

They gave each other a look that sent shivers down my spine. For a split second I saw opportunism flourish in both twins, before they looked back at me. I knew it. They were going to leave me here to die, with my only defense from the hoards of blue freaks being a medicine girl and my own dying wits.

"You're right," James said, "Let's get him to the Spirit, we have no time to spare."

Ooooh, one of the best dialogue moments you've had yet! I love the doubt, and then the flash of possibility, all finished with the 'no, we must go on!' You know I feel like this is used a lot, but this is really awesome! Use this as your standard!

Well, I've said a lot, and I'm about to go on and say even more! :D
- SOCKS
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Continuing on!

We chatted as we walked, and I began to tease Sarah playfully. We laughed and joked as we walked, trying to trip one another, while the twins began to talk amongst themselves.

Wha? Duncan? Teasing? This seems so out of character for him, based on what we've seen of him so far. So far it's been all "Grrrr, must kill Kane" and really nothing else. We haven't gotten to see a lighter side of him at all. What made him change his tune? What about Sarah would make him lighten up and mellow out enough to tease her? And don't just tell me that he was teasing her, show me! Let me actually see this lighter side of Duncan!

I've never seen this poison before

So how does she know what medicine to give him or that it will even help to slow the poison? Is it like some catch-all poison slower? How does she know it would work here if she's never seen the poison before?

We all knew what she was talking about.

What? What is she talking about? How do they all know about it? Also, why wouldn't just periodically giving him the medicine work to help slow it longer and give them more time? Is skipping to this obviously most dangerous option really the only option?

The sound it made as it sliced his organs made a sick squelching noise, but I had no time for squeamishness.

Why is he noticing this now? It might just be the addition of more description in the writing style since you began, but when reading all the way through in one shot, it jumps out because Duncan has really never shown any hint of any kind of squeamishness at all, or really anything beyond the single-minded act of fighting when he kills. He doesn't seem to notice anything like this. Why is he noticing now?

The twins were risking their own lives to save me.

Why? Because they like him? Out of the goodness of their hearts? How do they feel about him? They've barely interacted. I want to see their opinions of each other.

Mmm, things are getting serious. Moving on to the next chapter am I!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly