Through Mind's Eye

sunxkissedxme

Gender

Points 797

Reviews 22

Sat Apr 02, 2011 2:23 pm

sunxkissedxme says... · Sat Apr 02, 2011 2:23 pm

Prologue

"Hello?" Her voice quavers, echoing off the walls surrounding her. Tumbled red curls curtain her beautiful yet terrified face in ringlets. Light brown freckles are softly sprinkled across her nose and cheekbones and her naturally full lips are slightly parted. Her stunning Emerald Green eyes are wide and gleaming with unshed tears. I can taste the fear rolling off of her fair body and I breathe it in slowly, savoring it. I wish for a brief instant that I could spare this poor, seemingly innocent girl, for it truly is a shame killing her. But unfortunately, there's no turning back now...

Last edited by sunxkissedxme on Mon May 30, 2011 6:53 pm, edited 6 times in total.

So many people treat you like you’re a kid
so you might as well act like one,
and throw your television
out of a hotel window.
–Gerard Way

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sunxkissedxme

Gender

Points 797

Reviews 22

Sat Apr 02, 2011 2:27 pm

sunxkissedxme says... · Sat Apr 02, 2011 2:27 pm

This is supposed to be a really short prologue, just meant to grab the readers' attention. I'm open to any suggestions but please no mean or rude comments dissing my writing. thanks

So many people treat you like you’re a kid
so you might as well act like one,
and throw your television
out of a hotel window.
–Gerard Way

Quote

AmeliaCogin

Gender

Points 7522

Reviews 229

Sat Apr 02, 2011 6:44 pm

AmeliaCogin says... · Sat Apr 02, 2011 6:44 pm

Hello! First of all welcome to Young writers society! Enjoy yourself, do plenty of reviews, and have fun! I presume this is your first piece so I'll go easy on you! lol - only joking!
I really liked this piece - your writing was simple yet captivating. To be frank, I wanted to read on - is there an actual story, because I'd love to read it if there is?!!! You have found a good balance in your prose. I loved the gentle yet powerful nature of your writing in 'through mind's eye'.
Ok, so here's a nitpick of your work...
My likes and dislikes ect are in the red:

sunxkissedxme wrote:Hello?" - I would suggest a line break here: ie, start a new paragraph with the word "her" - her voice quavers, echoing off the menacing (I'm not sure if 'menecing is the right word to use...) walls surrounding her. Tumbled red curls curtain her beautiful but - I would personally use the word yet instead of but - terrified face in ringlets. Light brown freckles softly sprinkle - I understand what you are saying and your tense is correct, but lose the word "across" - It fractures the sentence. Either that or say: "Light brown freckles are softly sprinkled ect" - across her nose and cheekbones and her naturally full lips are slightly parted. Her stunning emerald green - capitals: Emerald Green - eyes are wide and gleaming with unshed tears. I can taste the fear rolling off of her fair body and I breathe it in slowly, savoring it. - I love this sentence the best -I wish for a brief instant that I could spare this poor, beautiful - use a different descriptive word: you have already refered to her as beautiful once: spice it up a bit -girl, for it truly is a shame killing her. But unfortunately, there's no turning back now...

I hope you find this review helpful! Keep writing, and remeber, If there is a story, please post it. I'd love to read more! AC xxx

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sunxkissedxme

Gender

Points 797

Reviews 22

Mon May 30, 2011 2:26 am

sunxkissedxme says... · Mon May 30, 2011 2:26 am

thank you so much! and there is more story, I'll post it soon!

So many people treat you like you’re a kid
so you might as well act like one,
and throw your television
out of a hotel window.
–Gerard Way

Quote