Reflection of the Past

I stood in front of my old home, slightly hesitant to go inside. To remember the good times mingled in with the bad. To happiness and the slowly increasing lose of sanity that still plagued my family called the Shadow Red. This sentence can sound smoother, without as the ‘as‘s. My fingers began to play nervously with my thin blue sweater sleeve as my teeth gnawed at my light brown hair. I was looking up at my house; it had been ten years seen I was last here. I swore never to come back to it, yet here I was, withheld by a promise I held to my brother and leader, Shadow.

I could remember the horror we faced on that day, the day that started it all. I could literally feel the pain in my chest and hear the haunting screams of overwhelming sadness that darkened our very world as we lay to rest our brother and trusted friend, Unleashed Hollow.

I stared at my hands, half expecting to see the ruby blood that still stained my hands as we had buried him. I felt floods of memories searing my mind. One truly showed how close my mind had completely broke apart.

It had started out as a rather normal day for our gang. Shadow had woken Flames, Nightfull and I for school.

I was rummaging through the cereal as Flames sat on the counter, swinging her legs back and forth, absently singing as she smiled at me. I smiled back and fixed our typical breakfast of cereal and orange juice.

Nightfull walked in, rubbing his eyes, "Morn' sis. Waz for breakfast?" he asked sleepily.

I smiled at him, my twin, as I said laughingly, "The usual, Mr. Sleepyhead."

He grinned at me and said, "Should've known."

We stood grinning at each and turned when Unleashed Hollow walked in the saying quietly, "Tonight at 8:00 we are having a meeting."

None of us asked why. It just was. If anyone said there was a meeting there was, no questions asked.

Shadow nodded as my older brother, Raven, came into the kitchen wearing his doctor's coat, a chart in his hand. He got a glass of water and glanced at the chart that told what medicine he took each day.

As he finished, he kissed me on the forehead and wished us luck on our biology test he had helped Nightfull and I study for. He was out the door and off to the hospital as we headed to our rooms to get ready.

At 7:46 Flames and I came out. I had pulled on a blue T-shirt I had customized with red writing saying, "Protect and Love those you care and be kind to everyone." I had on dark pants and a dark blue jacket. My brown hair was let loose so it reached my back and I held several textbooks.

Flames was wearing a light pink skirt with a red shirt covered with white swirls. I held her in front of the large mirror outside my room and carefully tied her red hair in a braid.

"Em, Free do you think Mrs. Apple will like my poem?" Flames asked me as she squirmed wanting to run off.

I smiled at her and said, "Of course she will. Besides I loved it because my little sister created such a beautiful masterpiece."

She grinned as Nightful joined us, and said with childlike admiration, "There's no way I can be better than you Free, you're amazing at writing."

Nightfull smirked saying, "Of course she is; she is our little wanderer."

I whacked him in the head as we boarded the bus, laughing at his glare. As we all sat together I pulled free my phone, seeing that Darkness had sent me a message that thing would be ok and to not panic.

I smiled at her concern, once again making me feel as if she was more my mother than my older sister.

Nightfull wrapped his arms around me as we talked quietly about old memories. We were talking of his orphanage when I noticed the tell tale signs of the dark side of him surfacing.

I smiled at him saying softly, "Nightfull do you remember how we met?"

He grinned at me cheerfully, "You had happened to come across me in the corn fields outside our town. You had been worried about the bullies in school."

I smiled and nodded as the bus parked in front of the school. As we piled off we took Flames' hands and walked her to her third grade class.

As we headed to class we were stopped by the cool kids a.k.a. Kyle and Mark. They grinned in that way you just knew things wouldn't end pleasant. I glanced around for a teacher but of course we were all alone, go figure.

As they advanced Nightfull moved in front of me, his dark side persona had broken free. Gone was his laid back and cheery self and was replaced by an angry and dangerous side that which he could never remember what happened once it was out.

They grinned like wolves stalking their prey as they lunged. Nightfull quickly caught them and pushed them away and motioned for me to go ahead.

I scowled wanting to help but knew that neither of Nightfull's personas would allow me to get hurt.

I moved on to Algebra, worrying about him. Classes dragged on and still he hadn't returned. As I walked into Biology, almost frantic with worry, I saw him sitting in our table grinning cheerfully.

I smiled at him, secretly analyzing every inch of him as I looked for injuries. Seeing he was okay, the teacher began to speak, "Spread out and clear everything off your lab tables except for a writing utensil. No talking until the test has been completed by everyone."

We began to work silently with only a few kinds messing around. I finished my test and handed it in. As I reached my seat and pulled out my journal the announcement beeped and Mrs. Sander's voice rang out over the school, "Will Maya and Malik please come to the office."

Nightfull and I looked at each other, confused before leaving, our minds running through all the possible reason we were being called in. We knocked on the door and saw Darkness standing by the counter, her hands fidgeting nervously.

She looked at us, the tension and I knew something happened. She thanked the principal and told us, "Get your stuff and find Flames. We need your help at home."

I nodded and went in search of Flames, finding her in the playground, swinging by herself. As she saw me she ran up to me, her braid bouncing as she did.

"Free, is something wrong?" She asked, staring at me with eyes too understanding of the dark side of our worlds.

I picked her up and headed back saying, "Darkness says we are needed. So we are going home early, little butterfly."

She fell silent as we reached Darkness. Flames wrapped her arms around Darkness' neck and I allowed Darkness to hold her, but feeling jealous and protective in doing so. Guilt ate at me as I reminded myself that Darkness wasn't a threat, as Flames looked over Darkness' shoulder her face showing her confusion.

The drive home was quiet, with Flames explaining how her day went, trying to ease the silence that rang between us. She asked what was going on, trying to find out, but Darkness just replied that Shadow had asked to get them. As we entered our house and Shadow glanced up relieved as he gave a nod to Darkness. She allowed me to take Flames, who was still talking, wanting to know what was going on.

As I put her our room, trying to get her to calm down, she finally went silent when I saw Unleashed Hollow walking to the shed. A sudden movement to my right and he fell to the ground.

Fear slammed into me as I ran out of the door, into the cold, just in time to see the other gang's second in command running off, having dropped the gun in his haste to get away. I knelt down beside him, trying to stop the bleeding from his chest as Shadow and Darkness rushed to us.

As we struggled to keep him with us he whispered, "Don't bother. It won't work. It won't stop."

Shadow glanced at him, his voice cracking, "Don't say that, brother."

Hollow gripped Shadow's arm tightly saying, "Watch over them, Shadow. Promise me you will keep them alive."

Shadow went stiff as he said firmly, "I will Hollow would never let you down."

Hollow glanced at Darkness and said, "Love them Darkness. They will need your help through this."

She nodded tears filling her eyes. Hollow turned to me and gently stroked my cheek whispering lovingly, "Don't blame yourself, Free. It will destroy you. I want you to live life to the fullest. Nankurinisa nee-chan."

Tears fell to the ground as I promised, my emotional barrier cracking as Hollow struggled to say one last thing, "Shadow…if you add someone…protect them with everything….don't let anyone know s/he is of us."

Shadow managed to swear our oath that he would do so before Hollow passed on. Shadow stood up saying, his voice shaking, "We must tell the others of our brother's passing."

I pushed the rest away as Shadow opened the back door saying softly, "Come on, kiddo. We have been waiting for your return."

Tears spilled down my face as guilt crushed me. That I had ran away, leaving behind my family and the only place I belonged. I struggled to say something to make up for all the things I did but all that came out was a cry of despair.

Shadow swiftly hugged me, stroking my hair whispering, "Oh lil Free don't cry. Shush its ok. We love you lil Free and so happy you're back."

Shaking I pulled at his sleeve, motioning to my own. He needed to know how badly I fell when I left. Gently he cradled me and walked back into the house, safe from the gossiping eyes of the people that lived here.

I sat on the couch, curled in his lap as Darkness gently stroked my hair. I shakily pulled up my sleeves, revealing the thin almost unseeable scars. Only way to see them was if light hit them in the right angle.

Shadow sighed softly and said, chidingly, "How many times will we have this talk before you finally take it to heart, Broken Free?!"

I winced and whispered feeling very much like a guilty child, "I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't handle it, Shadow."

Darkness gently said, "Free its ok. We love you, you don't have to hide anymore."

Crying I began to tell them everything that happened since I vanished.

I paused to see the door open and saw Nightfull walk in. He stopped and gave me an icy look of hurt, "Welcome back, Free."

Great story opening. Interesting character names, which gave a good mood to the story. The dialogue was realistic and effective. Keep it up!

The names are to protect my friends....we wanted to write down our lives so here it is XD

Hopefuly you will read the next chapter and like it just as much if not more haha good luck and happy writing

Hey Soul! I spent some time last night reviewing nearly all your work on this site I hope my comments are helpful! I apologize for any grumpiness that comes across, it was pretty late x)

I stood in front of my old home, slightly hesitant to go inside. To remember the good times mingled in with the bad. To happiness and the slowly increasing lost of sanity that still plagued my family, the Shadow Red this sentence confuses me. What are you trying to say by it? To happiness and loss of sanity, the Shadow Red… the Shadow Red what? Is the family name Shadow Red? It took me a while to get it. . My fingers began to play with my thin blue sweater sleeve as I chewed on my light brown hair as I glanced at the white house This sentence can sound smoother, without as the ‘as‘s. My fingers began to play nervously with my thin blue sweater sleeve as my teeth gnawed at my light brown hair. I was looking up at my house; it had been ten years seen I was last here. I swore never to come back to it, yet here I was, withheld by a promise I held to my brother and leader, Shadow. (all just a suggestion). Ten years since I was last here. At that time I had sworn never to return, but here I was on the promise I owed to my brother and leader, Shadow.

I could remember freshly that horrible day. To me, this line sounds a bit cliché. Make it a bit more chilling. ‘The horrors of that one day were still fresh in my memory; even after so much time, the haunting images have not faded. My ears still ached with the endless screaming, and my heart constricted painfully, unbearably, as I recalled laying to rest our brother and friend, Unleashed Hollow. (Really, it’s not bad, just a few suggestions) I could literally feel the pain in my chest and hear the haunting screams of overwhelming sadness that darkened our very world as we lay to rest our brother and trusted friend, Unleashed Hollow.

I stared at my hands, half expecting to see the ruby blood that still stained my hands as we had buried him. I felt floods of memories searing my mind. One truly showed how close my mind had completely broke apart.

It had started out as a rather normal day for our gang. Shadow had woken Flames, Nightfull and I for school.

I was rummaging through the cereal as Flames sat on the counter, swinging her legs back and forth, absently singing as she smiled at me. I smiled back and fixed our typical breakfast of cereal and orange juice. I think you’re setting up the flashback very well here.

Nightfull walked in, rubbing his eyes, "Morn' sis. Waz for breakfast?" he asked sleepily.

I smiled at him, my twin, as I said laughingly, "The usual, Mr. Sleepyhead."

He grinned at me and said, "Should've known."

We stood grinning at each and turned when Unleashed Hollow walked in the saying quietly, "Tonight at 8:00 we are having a meeting."

None of us asked why. It just was. If anyone said there was a meeting there was, no questions asked.

Shadow nodded as my older brother, Raven, came into the kitchen wearing his doctor's coat, a chart in his hand. He got a glass of water and glanced at the chart that told what medicine he took each day.

As he finished, he kissed me on the forehead and wished us luck on our biology test he had helped Nightfull and I study for. He was out the door and off to the hospital as we headed to our rooms to get ready.

At 7:46 Flames and I came out. I had pulled on a blue T-shirt with red writing saying, "Protect and Love those you care and be kind to everyone." For some reason, I find it hard to believe any store would sell a shirt with that saying on it. It just seems too nice. I had on dark pants and a dark blue jacket. My brown hair was let loose so it reached my back and I held several textbooks.

Flames was wearing a light pink skirt with a red shirt covered with white swirls. I held her in front of the large mirror outside my room and carefully tied her red hair in a braid.

"Em, Free do you think Mrs. Apple will like my poem?" Flames asked me as she squirmed wanting to run off.

I smiled at her and said so filled with love again, this seems a little too nice, especially since you‘re talking about yourself. Simply letting us know you were smiling at her tells us that you were being very nice and caring towards her. , "Of course she will. Besides I loved it because my little sister created such a beautiful masterpiece."

She grinned as Nightfull joined us, as she said, filled with child filled admiration, This is worded awkwardly. Should be: She grinned as Nightful joined us, and said with childlike admiration, "There's no way I can be better than you Free, you're amazing at writing."

Nightfull smirked saying, "Of course she is semicolon she is our little wanderer."

I whacked him in the head as we went on (boarded might be a more interesting word) the bus, laughing at his glare. As we all sat together I pulled free my phone, seeing that Darkness had sent me a message that thing things would be ok and to not panic.

I smiled at her concern, once again making me feel as if she was more my mother than my older sister.

Nightfull wrapped his arms around me as we talked quietly about old memories. We were talking of his orphanage when I noticed the tell tale signs of the dark side of him surfacing.

I smiled at him saying softly, "Nightfull do you remember how we met?"

He grinned at me cheerfully, "You had happened to chance upon me (I don’t really what ‘chancing upon him’ means in this sentence) in the corn fields outside our town. You had been worried about the bullies in school."

I smiled and nodded as the bus parked in front of the school. As we piled off we took Flames' hands and walked her to her third grade class.

As we headed to class we were stopped by the cool kids a.k.a. Kyle and Mark. They grinned in that way you just knew things wouldn't end pleasant. I glanced around for a teacher but of course we were all alone, go figure.

As they advanced Nightfull moved in front of me, his dark side persona had broken free. Gone was his laid back and cheery self and was replaced by an angry and dangerous side that which he could never remember what happened once it was out.

They grinned like wolves stalking their prey as they lunged. Nightfull quickly caught them and pushed them away and motioned for me to go ahead.

I scowled wanting to help but knew that neither of Nightfull's personas would allow me to get hurt.

I moved on to Algebra, worried worrying about him. Classes dragged on and still he hadn't returned. As I walked into Biology, almost frantic with worry, I saw him sitting in our table comma grinning, no comma cheerfully.

I smiled at him, (secretly) analyzing every inch of him (as I looked for injuries) , looking for injuries. Seeing he was okay(comma) the teacher began to speak, "Spread out and clear everything off your lab tables except for a writing utensil. No talking until the test has been completed by everyone."

We began to work silently with only a few kinds messing around. I finished my test and handed it in. As I reached my seat and pulled out my journal the announcement beeped and Mrs. Sander's voice rang out over the school, "Will Maya and Malik please come to the office."

Nightfull and I looked at each other, confused before leaving, our minds running through all the possible reason we were being called in. We knocked on the door and saw Darkness standing by the counter, her hands fidgeting nervously.

She looked at us and I knew something happened How did you know? What kind of look was it? Describe! . She thanked the principal and told us, "Get your stuff and find Flames period we need your help at home."

I nodded and went in search of Flames, finding her in the playground, swinging, no comma by herself. As she saw me she ran up to me, her braid bouncing as she did.

"Free comma is something wrong?" She asked, as she staredstaring at me with eyes too understanding of the dark side of our worlds.

I picked her up and headed back saying, "Darkness says we are needed. So we are going home early, little butterfly."

She fell silent as we reached Darkness. She wrapped her arms around her neck and I allowed Darkness to hold her, but feeling jealous and protective in doing so . Guilt ate at me as I reminded myself that Darkness wasn't a threat. This paragraph was really confusing to me because of all your pronouns. Did Flames wrap around Darkness, or the other way around? You can’t tell. And you don’t tell us that it was the narrator feeling jealous, you make it seem like Flames felt it. Be careful with your wording here.

We entered our house and Shadow glanced up relieved as he gave a nod to Darkness They were just at school, all of a sudden we are at the house. I‘m feeling a huge time gap here. At least explain the trip. If it was uneventful, full of awkward silence and nervous smiles, tell us. You can‘t just skip scenes. . She allowed me to take Flames, who was asleep. Minor detail, but it seems odd that a riled up third grader would simply fall asleep at such a time. They aren’t like babies that just pass out whenever; she must’ve felt the tension and was probably asking a ton of questions on the way over here. Third graders are curious people, and I bet she would’ve wanted to stay awake for this.

As I put her to bed I saw Unleashed Hollow walking to the shed. A sudden movement to my right and he fell to the ground. This is also confusing. First, how did she know he was walking to the shed? Was she watching him through a window? And a sudden movement? Like a flinch? I’m having a hard time picturing this, and it’s more confusing when you add the part about him falling down.

Fear slammed into me as I ran out of the door, into the cold, just in time to see the other gang's second in command running off. I knelt down beside him behind Hollow, I‘m assuming, because you never tell us, trying to stop the bleeding bleeding? What? Where? How? as Shadow and Darkness rushed to us.

As we struggled to keep him with us he whispered, "Don't bother. It won't work. It won't stop."

Shadow glanced at him saying ‘saying‘ is much too bland a word. If I was in her position, I might‘ve even been a bit hysterical. I bet her voice was cracking, or she was trying to keep it steady, or maybe she was talking unusually fast, or crying. Just ‘saying‘ makes it seem like the situation doesn‘t effect her at all, which is unrealistic, "Don't say that comma brother."

Hollow gripped Shadow's arm tightly saying, "Watch over them comma Shadow. Promise me you will keep them alive."

Shadow went stiff as he said firmly, "I will comma Hollow . I would never let you down."

Hollow glanced at Darkness and said, "Love them comms Darkness period they will need your help through this." Don’t forget proper punctuation! It’s very important to proof-read your work before posting! You have a lot of run-on sentences.

She nodded comma tears filling her eyes. Hollow turned to me and gently stroked my cheek whispering lovingly, "Don't blame yourself, Free. It will destroy you. I want you to live life to the fullest. Nankurinisa nee-chan." To me, the Japanese title threw me off. You made no reference beforehand that they were Japanese, or lived in Japan.

Tears fell to the ground as I promised, my emotional barrier cracking as Hollow struggled to say one last thing, "Shadow…if you add someone…protect them with everything….don't let anyone know s/he is of us."

Shadow managed to swear our oath that he would do so before Hollow passed on. Shadow stood up saying, his voice shaking, "We must tell the others of our brother's passing."

I pushed the rest away as Shadow opened the back door saying softly, "Come on comma kiddo. We have been waiting for your return."

Tears spilled down my face as guilt crushed me, period that I had ran away, leaving behind my family and the only place I belonged. I struggled to say something to make up for all the things I did but all that came out was a cry of despair.

Shadow swiftly hugged me, stocking I think you mean stroking my hair whispering, "Oh lil Free don't cry. Shush its ok. We love you lil Free and so happy you're back."

Shaking I pulled at his sleeve, motioning to my own. He needed to know how badly I fell when I left. Gently he cradled me and walked back into the house, safe from the gossiping eyes of the people that lived here.

I sat on the couch, curled in his lap as Darkness gently stroked my hair. I shakily pulled up my sleeves, revealing the thin almost unseeable scars. Only way to see them was if light hit them in the right angle.

Shadow sighed softly and said, chidingly, "How many times will we have this talk before you finally take it to heart, Broken Free?!"

I winced and whispered feeling very much like a guilty child, "I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't handle it, Shadow."

Darkness gently said, "Free its ok. We love you, you don't have to hide anymore."

Crying I began to tell them everything that happened since I vanished. After this line would be the best place to end the chapter, in my opinion.

"I first went to Cedar Raids. I stayed there long enough to earn enough money to get farther away and a few months of rent of an apartment."

I paused to see the door open and saw Nightfull walk in. He stopped and gave me an icy look of hurt, "Welcome back, Free."

I really like your names. I like how they add a sort of mystery and personality to your characters, and they feel very unique! I’m curious to know how they got them, seeing that they also must have real names, too.

I thought the pace and dialogue was very well done at the beginning of the flashback (the kitchen scene). Your characters felt very laid-back and relaxed, and I was on the edge of my seat, because I was just waiting to find out what horrors could possibly happen. So the set-up into that scene was nicely done, I thought.

Now I have to say that the beginning should be much stronger. The first few paragraphs just didn’t have much emotion to me, which is really too bad because I get the feeling that it’s supposed to be this great scene of her staring back at her old house of memories, returning after years of enduring the same horrid nightmare. I would like it if you gave more of the house. Was the paint chipped and the shutters drawn? Bullet holes in the attic window? Wind whistling through the doorframe? Bats nesting underneath the roof? Ok, so I’m making it sound like a haunted house, but that’s exactly what it is to her, isn’t it? A house, more of a symbol of her memories that haunt her. So my advice is to just go back to that opening scene, and pour more into it. You want your readers to start reading this, and never want to stop.

Alright, so onto your characters, main character first. Honestly, she seems distant. Emotionless. Almost nonexistent. Sure, she shows that she loves her family, and gives a playful slap on the back to her friend, but I don’t get a sense of who she is. What she stands for. What her style is. What kind of things does she like? What sort of things annoy the heck out of her? Does she find school to be boring, or a war zone full of bullies that are always out to get her? I don’t know her.

Your others character give off a bit more of their personalities. The older brother seems very put together and smart. Flames seems like she can be feisty, but at heart she is just the sweetest little thing ever. Besides that though, not much else stands out.

Grammar next. I get the feeling that you didn’t proofread this. There are a lot of mistakes, mostly with comma placement. Many sentences sound like run-ons. I feel like if you read through this slowly, you would catch some of the mistakes on your own. But I pointed them out. I will give you some links for some tips on grammar, because they are still very useful to me.

I can’t wait to read more. I know my review sounds a bit harsh, but I can see so much potential in this so I thought I’d try and give you as much help as I could! Please let me know if you have any questions/comments about this!

~blacksheep