Blaze, Cement and Lovers

these are two...not so good poems that are rather short. so i'll save bulletin space.

Cement and Lovers

Rough – here comes the passion’s play.
Breath – I’m gasping life away
Hand in hand we’ll move until our skin can scrape the floor
Try – you still cannot derive
Fulfill the lust, keep you alive
Leg with leg we’ll wrap until we can only beg for seconds more
Come, my lover – cantar y bailar, mi amor

Blaze

Blazing inferno to the bedside
Slapping on today, laughing sweat
Into tomorrow
Catch me if you can radiation
Snatching dream dust from car-blown wind
Sparking tonight

Here comes the fire
And it’s chasing you down
Pounding lust down in bathroom stalls
This is teenage
This is disco
Graffiti window-walls in truth

Snapping back from yesterday
I’ve nothing left to make of this
Macabre ecstatic moon daylight
This is my midnight,
Here comes the blaze,
So catch me in my dance

Ooo. I like them. They're really good. I love the ending of Cement and Lovers. They're erotic, but they're both well written.

Hey xantham,

You'll have to accept this as a partial payment for all your comments on my poems. I hope it buys me some more time. :)


The first piece is excellent. It has form and rhythm behind it. I like it alot. The only comment I have is that I don't like the Spanish at the end. Italian is so much more romantic.


The second piece was good, but not excellent. It lacked the depth and structure the first one boasted. I found myself lost in the jumble of images and while I got the general flow of the piece, I am totally lost when it comes to specifics. I would suggest clarifying some of the things you said in there, or not. It's ultimately up to you. Lately I've been finding I like poems which are clear and ambiguous, instead of micmacs with one meaning.


Best,
Brad

wow, i really like the first one and the ending is really good.

the second one, was good, alot of descritpions although i was slightly confused with the theme.

keep up the good work